Looking Through The Lens

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/ryansylander/www/

Chapter 5: Misty Mountain Hop

Back Home

The next morning I was surprised to be feeling better.  Perhaps in some subconscious dream I had worked out some demons, or maybe I was just tired the night before, but when Julie came over, I was genuinely happy to see her. 

She had breakfast with us, and we even had time for a short beach walk while my parents finished packing.  Lara was holed up in her room getting her stuff together, since she hadn’t packed the night before.  The few times I’d looked at her, she just looked at me blankly.  I felt badly for having shut her out the night before, but there was no time to reconcile with her, at the moment.

Julie and I promised to write often, and to try to see each other during the year, however difficult and unlikely.  She shed a few tears, and thanked me for the great summer with a tender kiss, as we stood by the gentle waves of a low tide.

The ride back to our house was long and quiet.  Lara was distant, but there was nothing I could do about it with our parents sitting in the front seats.  I thought about writing instead of talking, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted that information preserved on paper.  Besides, Lara couldn’t read in the car without feeling sick.

Returning to the mountains was bittersweet.  The majestic beauty of the Catskills served both as inspiration for life, and as a reminder that vacation (and Julie time) was over.

Evening was spreading across the sky as Sarah turned the car down our long driveway.  After a few hundred yards, our large, rustic cabin came into view.  The house was buried in the middle of eighty acres of quiet forest, disturbed only by the animal life and a small pond-fed creek that bubbled actively near the house.   

After we had unpacked the car, I asked Lara to come to the creek with me.  She shrugged wordlessly, and followed me out the back door.  We walked to the bank in silence, while I tried to swallow my pride and apologize to her.  I sat on a low boulder by the water.

“So, I’m sorry about last night,” I finally said, throwing a pebble into the creek.  The ripples were quickly distorted by the current.

“Why?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, somewhat confused by her answer.  “I blew you off when you asked about Julie.”

“So, you don’t have to tell me anything.  I don’t care.” 

Her tone, however, betrayed her true feelings.

There was an uncomfortable wall between us.  I sat still, wondering how to proceed.  I had a sudden flashback to innocent winters long ago, when Lara and I would throw big rocks into the creek to break the ice sheets, and watch the water flowing underneath.  Life was so easy back then. 

“Look, I wanted to tell you, but I was having a bad moment.” 

For a long time Lara said nothing. 

Finally I turned around to make sure she was still there.  “Last night didn’t go so well with Julie,” I added.

Lara looked at me contemplatively, and then her expression softened some.

“What happened?” she asked, tossing a pebble of her own into the pool.

“I don’t know.  We found a dark spot over in the trees, and then we...  well, we did it,” I said. 

 “So?  That sounds okay,” said Lara cautiously. 

Did I really want to tell her this?  And have her think her brother was weird, or bad at sex? 

 “It just wasn’t what I expected.”

“Why?” she asked.

“What was your first time like?”

“I told you, remember? James and I were at the tennis courts.”

“I know, but, what did you – how did you feel?  Like during, and after?”

Lara thought for a moment.  She came nearer and nudged me, and I moved over so we could share the boulder.  I felt some relief at her gesture of closeness.

“Well, it felt good after the first minute or two.  I don’t know, it was pretty good all in all,” she said. 

I murmured, but didn’t say anything, still thinking about my situation.

“Was Julie in pain?” Lara asked, although her tone showed that she doubted this possibility.

“No, she liked it, or so she said.”  I was being evasive, partly because I didn’t know myself what I was trying to say.

“Were you in pain?” she asked, with a frown.

“No, nothing like that!  I was just wondering how you felt… uh… I don’t know, inside, I guess.  Basically, I felt rushed, and awkward, and stupid.  I don’t even know anymore, it seems really retarded now that I’m saying it out loud.” 

It did.  Why couldn’t I just have enjoyed the night?

“What was up with her and Becky on the beach?” Lara asked suddenly.

“Oh, that.  I guess they had some problem with liking the same guy, and Becky was trying to get back at Julie by going for me.  I’m not sure, really.”

“Stud...” said Lara with a slight grin.

“Pfft.  Whatever.  It wasn’t cool.  At least Becky went away, though.  Maybe that whole thing was part of the problem.”

“Well, what did Julie say last night, after you were done?” Lara asked, after some thought.

“She said that it was great, and we laid there for a while.  I guess I was just nervous, though.  When we were at Becky’s, I felt really comfortable with everything. But last night it seemed like I was trying to put on wrong size clothes, and backwards, too.” 

I threw another pebble in, out of frustration.

“Sometimes things aren’t just right, Matt,” she said.  “I don’t know, maybe you put too much pressure on yourself?”

“Maybe,” I said, almost dismissively.  But then I thought about that for a moment, and it made some sense.  All of the chaos from the situation from Becky had focused our sexual tension into that one evening.  The added pressure of my morning departure had likely stressed me out by the time we had reached the moment of truth.

“I guess I kind of had this vision of a perfect evening,” I continued, feeling that my thoughts were finally finding the root of the problem.  “You know, where Julie and I just had a great night.  I guess my vision was different than what actually happened.  I don’t know.  I wish I had given Julie a better time.”

Lara sat silent.  We both watched the river, and then she spoke, her voice lighthearted.

“Well, I never thought I was going to do it by a tennis court, for my first time, either.  Not exactly my dream, but so what?  And Julie did seem happy this morning, right?”

“True.”  I gave a small laugh, letting out a sigh of relief.  “Thanks, Lara.”

“For what?”

“For talking.  I feel better about it now, although I have some things to think about.”

“No problem, Matt,” she said, giving me a hug with her arm.

“So, how was your night?” I asked.

“Not telling.”

“What?”  I turned to her and gave her a “what-the-fuck?” look.

“Chill, I was just kidding,” Lara said.  “It was good.  I mean, do you want to hear the details?”

“Um… I guess not.  Glad it was good, though,” I said.  After a pause, I did have to ask one thing, though.  “How many times did you do it?”

“Just twice.”

Just twice, I thought?

“Did James last longer this time?” I asked.

“I thought you didn’t want to hear the details!”

“Well, I don’t know.  Whatever you want.”

“He did, especially the second time.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just threw another pebble in.

“Look at us,” Lara said, with a small laugh.  “A few years ago we used to play kid games right here on these rocks.  Now we’re sitting here talking about sex.”

“Yeah, it’s weird,” was all I could answer.

“Do you miss Julie?” asked Lara.

“Yeah, I do.  You?”

“I miss her, too,” she agreed.

I looked at her distant expression for a moment.

“I meant James,” I said with a furrowed brow.

Lara looked back at me, with a small smile.

“Yeah, I know.  Come on, let’s go eat dinner.”

The next couple of weeks were quiet.  I wrote to Julie every few days, and letters from her came about as often.  I apologized for being “tired” on our last night, and left it at that.  I didn’t have much to say, besides that I missed her and wished I was still in Montauk.  Nice sentiments, but not enough to fill a decent letter after the first few times I wrote it. 

The optimism we felt at parting was lessening, as it became clear that letters were no substitute for being together.  Still, I made an effort to tell her about what was going on, which was mostly preparing for high school, playing my guitar, and hiking in the woods.  She and Becky were not on speaking terms, apparently, which suited me fine.

Lara appeared to get over being apart from James much quicker than I did.  After a few days, she seemed perfectly normal, while I stayed withdrawn. 

One afternoon, after struggling for an hour to produce half a page of pathetic writing, I got up and wandered into Lara’s room across the hall.  She was drawing and playing music in her room, and when she spotted me she turned down the volume.

I plopped down on her bed. 

“What’s up?” she asked.

“Eh…  Trying to write Julie.  Don’t know what to say.”

“How often are you writing her?  Didn’t you just send her a letter?”

“A few days ago.”

“Well, not much has really happened since.”

I nodded, having come to that realization already.  “Are you writing to James?”

Lara shook her head.  “Nah.  We decided not to.”

I sniffed.  “That makes it easy.”

“Well, we weren’t serious, like you and Julie are.”

I wondered what the difference was, since on the surface our summer relationships had been fairly parallel.

“I guess,” I said vaguely.  “Still don’t know what to write.”

“So don’t.  Wait a bit.”

“Then she’ll think I’m losing interest, or something,” I said.

Lara rolled her eyes.  “She’ll be fine.”

I sat in silence for a moment, and then stood.  “I guess you’re right.”

“Of course I am.”

“Are you ready for school?” I asked her.  “Three days left of break.”

“Can’t wait.”  Lara was serious.

I laughed.  “Figures.”

Lara breezed through school, and she actually enjoyed her classes.  On the other hand, I tended to daydream about being outside in the woods, and got by on last second cramming and late night paper writing with a flashlight under my covers.  The pressure of procrastination was powerful, and deadlines, rather than subject matter, tended to get me to work.

“Are you ready?” she asked.

“No.”

She smiled.  “Rather be back on the beach with Julie?”

“Yeah,” I said wistfully.  “It’s going to be a long year.  Anyway…”

Lara scrunched up her face suddenly.  “Oh, Carl called earlier.  Again.  Forgot to tell you.”

“Shit, I haven’t called any of the guys back.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know.  Not ready to make the effort yet.”

Lara laughed.  “You’re some friend…  Well, you’ll see them in a few days.”

“True.  All right, I’m going to go for a walk.  See you.”

Lara smiled, and then turned her music up again as I walked out the side door of the house and headed into the woods. 

School was weighing on me.  I never enjoyed starting back to classes, even though eventually I would get into gear and let go of the summer’s laziness.  I disliked having to deal with classmates I had not seen in months.  Moving to a new building and being in the youngest grade this year only added to the stress. 

Even though it had lessened as we got older, there were still occasional comments or questions about my parental situation to deal with, too.  Lara seemed to take it in stride, but I generally felt self-conscious about what it meant to have two mothers.  And now, as my classmates and I were growing into an age when relationships included thoughts of sexuality, I wondered what the new school year would bring.  Teasing from seniors?  Worse?  I put the thoughts out of my head, and thought about Julie again.

The long distance relationship was not what I expected, even at this early stage.  How could we last until we saw each other again?  It would be at least three months, and more likely almost a year until I’d get to hold Julie and kiss her again.  It was an immeasurably long time, with little to hold on to, save some letters. 

To be honest, more than once in the past few days I wished that Julie and I had come to the same arrangement that Lara and James had.  But every time I had received a sweet letter from her, I was able to relive the feeling of being with Julie, and it was worth it.

After a short hike, I emerged from the trees and looked out over the pond that was hidden in the woods uphill from our house.  We rarely swam in the pond, preferring the fresh moving water of the creek instead.  It was a nice place to go and listen to the trees swaying in the wind.  A frog jumped away from my approaching steps and dropped out of sight under the surface.

There are many beautiful places on this earth, but the Catskill Mountains will always hold a special place for me.  No matter where I’ve been or what I’ve seen, whenever I come back to these majestic mountains and their seductive woods and sparkling streams, I feel more alive than ever.  I am fortunate to have grown up here.

As I breathed in the fresh air and forgot about school, and my letter writing troubles, I felt a little more liberated. 

The first day of school, Lara was sick, so I walked out to the end of the drive and waited for the bus.  High school started earlier than middle school, much to my dismay.  I wondered if the bus would be full of rowdy seniors throwing things at the new kids.

When I got on board, nothing had really changed though.  The same few kids from our area were on the bus, including three of my friends who were hanging out in the back seats.  Some other new faces peppered the seats, but as I walked down the aisle to the rear, it felt just like my last bus ride the previous spring.

“Matt!  What’s up?  Where the fuck have you been, man?” asked Carl as I approached.  “Didn’t you get back like three weeks ago?”

“Two.  I was busy…  You know,” I said nonchalantly.

They had saved me my usual seat.  I dropped my bag and settled back against the side of the bus after some handshakes.  The four of us looked around and grinned, each perched over our seats like hawks.

“Is this the middle school bus?” I asked, looking around.

“Yeah, we all got left back,” Peter quipped.

“The older kids drive,” Brian said.  “Like my brother.”

I nodded, glad we still had control of some domain.

“I called you a bunch of times.  Your sister said she’d tell you,” said Carl.

I winced slightly.  “Yeah, I know.  She told me,” I said vaguely.  “I was just busy with shit.” 

“Like what?” Carl pressed on.

“Hey, give the man a break!” Peter chimed in.  “How was Montauk?”

I gave them a brief rundown of my trip, including some vague mentions of hanging out with a girl called Julie.

“So did you hook up with her?” Brian asked.

“Yeah, actually.”

“Whoa!  Nice!” exclaimed Carl.  “Bri hooked up with Carmen while you were gone.”

“Really?  That’s cool,” I said. 

I pretended to act surprised, but I wasn’t.  Brian was substantially outgoing, and already a ladies’ man.  In sixth grade, he had “dated” an eighth grader briefly, which at the time was a godlike act to the rest of us.   

“How did that happen?” I asked.

Brian started to speak, but Peter shushed him.

“Speaking of…” Peter said quietly, with a nod towards the front of the bus.

Carmen had just boarded the bus, and she bounced to the back.

“Hi, Brian!  Can I sit here?” she asked, pointing to his empty seat.

“No,” Brian replied immediately.

“Why are you such an ass?” she whined.

“That’s just the way he was born,” Pete offered.

Brian glared at him.  “Shut up, Pete.  All right, fine, sit,” he said exaggeratedly.

“Oh, thanks a lot,” she said sarcastically.

She put down her bag anyway, and leaned back against the seat.

“Hi, Matt,” she greeted, with a little wave.

“Hey, Carmen.”

Carl looked at her for a moment.  “What’s wrong with me and Pete?”

“I just saw you guys yesterday,” Carmen said, as if it was obvious why she hadn’t greeted them.

Carl laughed, shook his head incredulously, and said, “Okay, then.  Fuck you, too.”

“What?”  Carmen said defensively, “Matt was on vacation.  We’ve been hanging out all month.”

Carmen was a little funny that way.  She was cute, but somewhat self-absorbed.

“How was your trip, Matt?” she asked.

“Matt hooked up with a gir-rl,” Carl chanted.

I rolled my eyes.  “My trip was good.  Hit the beach a lot, took it easy.  And yes, I hung out a lot with a girl.”

“That’s cool.  How’s Lara?”

I noticed Peter perk up.  “She’s sick today, but otherwise she’s good.”  I paused, and then added, “She hooked up with someone, too.” 

Peter visibly slumped down a little.  I grinned to myself.  Peter had a big crush on my sister.  She really didn’t know, since he was pretty shy when it came to his own affairs of the heart.

“Ooh, I’ll have to ask her about that!” gushed Carmen.  In my attempt to tease Peter, I had forgotten that Carmen liked to gossip.  Ten bucks said that everyone would know about Lara and my summer relationships by the end of the day, before Lara had even set foot in the school.  I made a note to apologize to Lara in advance.

It wasn’t until I returned from Montauk that I realized how habitual drinking had become towards the end of the trip.  A bottle seemed to accompany Lara, James, Julie, and me whenever we went out at night.  In the heady haze of my relationship with Julie, I didn’t think twice about it.

Back at home, though, I decided to cut it off, or at least cut back a lot.  Having a beer or two at an occasional gathering was one thing; getting drunk every night was another.  I also knew that any chance of visiting Julie would not fly with my parents if I did poorly in school, or somehow got into trouble by drinking.  So I went to class diligently, took notes, and did my homework. 

Before I had gone to Montauk, some of my friends and I had formed a band.  Carl played drums, Peter played the guitar, and another friend, Bruno, played bass and sang.  I played guitar.  We had gotten together to jam a few times before I left.  It was enough to realize that it was going to take work to actually be a band.  We all knew parts of different songs that we had learned, or sort of learned, but getting through anything was usually pretty rough.  Still, it was a start, and it was fun to play music with someone other than my tape player. 

Brian didn’t play any instruments, and when we asked him if he wanted to sing, he declined.  He was the only one of us who played sports at school, so soccer was his hobby.  But he would hang out and listen, when we got together to practice. 

The first weekend after school started, the band got together at my house to play again.   We practiced in our guest house, a two-bedroom cabin that sat a few dozen yards behind the main house.  The main room had a small kitchen and plenty of space for equipment, and it was a comfortable place to be away from my parents in the main house.

Carl was busy setting up his kit, and Peter and I were tuning our guitars, when Bruno knocked on the door of our guest house.

“Yo, I need a hand,” he said, his face smiling like a kid on Christmas morning.

“With what?” I asked, eyeing the bass case in his hand.

“Bass cabinet.”

I narrowed my eyes.  “Sweet!  You got one?”

The four of us walked down the gentle slope and around the front of the house, where Bruno’s dad was pulling a giant cabinet out of the back of his truck.

“Hey, Mr. De Rosa,” we greeted, and then set about admiring the black speaker cabinet and amplifier head.

We carried the equipment up to the cabin, and soon Bruno was plugged in.  He cracked the volume knob open slightly, and played the bass line from Zep’s Dazed and Confused.

We all looked at each other, grinning.  Given that Bruno had been playing through a small guitar amp that Peter had, the difference was astounding to us.  It sounded like a real bass.

“Man, now that’s a birthday present,” Carl said.

“How loud can it get?”

Bruno looked at the controls, almost fearfully.  “I’m only on one right now.”

“Turn it up a little more,” I said.

He did, and the whole room shook.  The windows rattled with each note.  Carl’s snare drum sizzled in response to the vibrations.

The sound energized us, and amid much grinning and laughing, we started our first jam for the new school year.  I wondered why I hadn’t called the guys sooner, because I had missed my friends, after all.

As a result of school and spending time with my friends, my writing to Julie slipped to once a week.  There was a similar decline from her, and we both acknowledged that we were pretty busy with school.  But it actually made for better letters; we had more to say each time. 

One afternoon, after reading Julie’s latest correspondence, I decided to become proactive about seeing her.  In her letter, she had said, “Please try and come visit.  I so want to do things to you…”  After reading that phrase over and over, each time imagining a different “thing” she was doing to me, I ventured out into the kitchen, where Sarah was paying some bills at the kitchen table.

“Mom?”

“Yes, sweetie?” she replied.

“What are the chances that we can go visit Aunt Beth and Uncle Hans this Christmas, instead of them coming here?”

I expected that she would call me on my motive since it was obvious, but she did not.  Still, her initial reaction was not encouraging.

“Well, that’s always peak time at the restaurant for Mommy…”

I nodded, immediately regretting having asked without thinking about the side effects of such a trip.  Melissa, the chef at a nearby resort, always was busiest during both summer and winter.  Wealthy skiers from northeastern cities filled the hotels and flocked to her restaurant, which was rated highly.  As a ski instructor, Sarah also worked primarily in the winter, making the last week in December a poor choice to go to Montauk.

“But,” she continued, smiling, “you and Lara have a week off from school in February.  We might be able to go then.”

“Really?”  I was surprised; it sounded like they had already been considering it.

“Mm hm.  It would only be a week, instead of three.”

I grinned, indifferent to the length of our trip.  Even an hour would be worth it.  “Okay,” I said happily.

“Let’s see how things go this winter.  If the ski season is good, I don’t see any reason why we can’t take that week off and go visit them.”

“All right, that sounds good.”

My mom looked at me.  “It would mean missing a week of skiing.”

That was true.  Winter break was usually nine straight days of hitting the slopes, always a highlight of each year.

“That’s all right,” I said evenly.  “I’ll get enough in the rest of the season.”

My mom smiled, and then I turned and went to my room, immediately hoping for early snow and cold weather.  I penned a reply to Julie, telling her of the visit.  As I read my words, I wondered if I would jinx it by telling her this early.  My mom had said “Let’s see how things go this winter…” 

I crumpled up the paper, and started a fresh letter, leaving out the news.  No, once it became more definite, I’d spring the surprise on her.

September came to an end, and as October days were crossed off of our calendar, the air began to cool off as winter started tentatively descending from the mountain tops. 

Everything looked promising for an early skiing season, and school was going unusually well.  I aced my first wave of exams, and found myself tolerating my classes more than I expected.  There was only one thing weighing on me…

“Have you told Julie about us maybe going down there?” Lara asked me one morning as we waited for the bus.

I stirred out of my thoughts, and paused before answering.  “No, not yet.”

“Why not?”

“I… It’s a long way off, still.  I just want to make sure we’re actually going.”

“Why wouldn’t we?” she asked, looking at me with a frown.

Both of my parents had mentioned the trip a couple of times since our first discussion of it, and it seemed definite.  Melissa had even penciled it in on the calendar.  But for some reason, I still hadn’t told Julie about it.

“What’s up?” Lara asked, when I didn’t continue.

I shrugged.  “Her last few letters have been… I don’t know, kind of different.”

“How?”

“She’s like, uh, not writing much.  Just saying she’s busy.”

“She probably is.”

“I know.  But it’s more than that.  It’s like she’s not writing about us anymore, like she used to.  Last month her letters were all about what she wanted to do when we saw each other.”

Lara’s eyes brightened and a mischievous smile crossed her lips.  “What she wanted to do?  To you?  Do you still have them?  I want to see…”

I gave her a look, and then continued.  “Her last few letters are different.  Like she’s tired of writing to me.”

“Do you still miss her?” she asked after some time.

It was my turn to be silent.  The obvious answer was “Yes,” but it suddenly didn’t jump to my lips, for some reason.

“I do miss her…  But so much time has gone by, and so much more still to come.  Winter break is still like four months away.  It’s cool that I won’t have to wait until next summer, but it’s still forever long.”

“It has to be hard,” Lara agreed.

“Yeah.  I mean, we were together for what, like a week, and now we’re apart for months…”

“Not enough to hold on to?”

I shrugged.  “It’s not that.  I had an amazing time with her.  I’m not going to ever forget that.  But I just wish I could be with her.  Hang out in person, you know?  This letter thing is so…  I don’t know…”

“I know,” Lara said.  “Julie and me used to write, but it was kind of dumb, so we stopped.”  Her face brightened.  “But hey, every time we go back, it’s just like old times between us.  I’m sure it’ll be the same with you.”

“But you’ve been friends with her forever.  And besides, you’re not… you know, going out with her, or whatever you call what me and her are doing.”

Lara’s expression suddenly became serious, and she was silent.

The rumbling of a big engine faded in, and soon the bus rounded the bend and slowed.

Lara looked at me, and I couldn’t read her face.  “You should tell her we’re coming.  Maybe it will get her excited again.”

She stepped onto the bus, and I followed, nodding to myself.  I needed to do something.

My excited letter to Julie announcing our probable visit for the winter went out the next day.  Even though I knew there would be no reply until the following week, I still checked the mail expectantly every day after school.

A week passed, and another.  I called Julie twice, and left messages.  Halloween went by, uncelebrated, and not just because it was unusually cold. 

Nothing.

The skiing season started in early November with a week of cold temperatures and a few inches of snow.  My friends and I were all avid skiers, and once the slopes opened, we usually went every weekend.  One benefit of having a parent who was an instructor at the nearby resort was a big discount on season passes, and I took full advantage of the unlimited lift access.  Skiing, like fishing, is one of my favorite activities. 

As restaurant reservations began to fill up for Melissa and Sarah took to the slopes to teach, parental supervision after school diminished.  I was hanging out increasingly with my friends, hiking or playing music.  We started making progress as a band, working up mostly classic rock covers, and having a good time.  It definitely cut into my studying, but suddenly I was not feeling as motivated to study. 

As the initial discomfort of being freshmen dissipated, my friends began to get into the high school party scene through Brian’s older brother, Craig.  I had resisted the first few invitations, remembering my vow to stay relatively clean.  However, a few days before Thanksgiving, Brian mentioned that he had convinced his brother to take him up to one of the parties held in the woods.  When he asked if we wanted to go, I joined Carl in saying yes.

Going out at night was easy for Lara and me.  Ever since I could remember, our mothers let us, even encouraged us to sleep over at friends’ houses a few times a month.  They, meanwhile, would have their friends over for dinner and movies, if they were not working. 

After stepping off the bus, happy to be finished with school for the short holiday week, Lara checked the mail, and then came bounding towards me.  I had stopped looking in the mailbox out of frustration.  She held an envelope in her mitten.

“She wrote!”

My stomach lurched, and then I took the letter from her.  I turned the envelope excitedly in my hand, looking at the set of small drawings on the outside: flowers, a tree, a sunset…  Fewer than usual, but they still made me smile.

“Well, open it!” Lara pressed.

I did, and pulled out the note.  It was short, I noticed with some regret, and then read it once, and twice.

“What does it say?” Lara asked when I looked up.

I was silent for a long moment, trying to reconcile the cute drawings on the envelope with the words in her letter.  “Um…  Says she’s sorry she hasn’t written.  She’s got a lot of work at school…  That’s pretty much it.”

“That’s it?” Lara frowned.  “What about this winter?  Didn’t you tell her?”

“She just said it’ll be good to see me.”

“Let me see it,” she said, disbelief in her voice.  She scanned the letter, and then handed it back to me slowly.

Lara was silent as we started the walk down our long driveway to the house.

“Weird,” she finally said.

My heart sank a little at her tone.  She knew Julie much better than I did.  “What does that mean?”

Lara shrugged.  “I don’t know…” 

After a minute, she turned and smiled at me, and said, “I’m sure she’s just busy.  I wouldn’t read too much into it.”

As we trudged up the front steps of the house, I stuffed the letter into my pants pocket, disappointed, and not feeling particularly hopeful.

The night of the party arrived, and not without some apprehension.  Stories of those parties held in the woods filtered down through the grade levels, and by the time they reached middle school ears, they seemed legendary.  Even though we had an in with Brian’s brother, I wasn’t sure how welcome a group of freshmen would be.

I went to Brian’s house in the early evening, where I was going to stay over for the night.  Carl was there, as was Carmen.  I was surprised to see her, since she and Brian had been having a rough time lately.  Brian had said he was fed up with her selfish attitude.  From watching them, though, I thought Brian was rather harsh to her.  But I didn’t butt in.

 After dinner, Brian, Carl, Carmen, and I jumped into his brother’s pickup bed, and we drove a couple of miles to Craig’s friend’s house, where we parked.  Craig jumped out of the cab, handed us guys each two six-packs of beer, and then shouldered a backpack and grabbed a few more six-packs himself.

“Remember, three of those are mine, guys,” he said. 

I looked at Brian questioningly, but he made no answer.  Presumably Brian had secured us a six-pack each.

“How far is this place?” asked Brian as we started walking into the woods.

“Not far,” Craig replied.  “There’s a few different hangouts in the woods.  This one’s called the Ledges.”

“How do you stand the cold?” I asked.  Despite the walking, the chill in the air was penetrating my thick coat already.  Patches of snow held onto the ground, looking like ghostly fungus in the speckled moonlight.

“Drink,” he said.  “Usually we hang out at someone’s house if we can.  But sometimes the only place to party is the woods.”

After walking for about ten minutes, we started hearing voices up ahead, and we came into a little clearing where the bedrock was arranged like long, large steps.  A three-quarter moon lit up the grey stone with a faint glow.  Here and there, people were standing or sitting on the ledges in loose groups, most of them holding beer cans.  I couldn’t recognize anyone in the low light, and felt somewhat out of place. 

Craig apparently saw who he was looking for, and headed for a group of people near the edge of the clearing.  They were happy to see the beer.  Craig put his beers down on the rock and started passing them around to a few people who didn’t have any.  Brian put down one of his six-packs, and motioned for me to do the same.  I still wasn’t sure what the beer situation was, but I just followed Brian’s lead.

A girl in a knit ski hat leaned in and peered at my face. 

“Who are you?” she asked.

“Matt,” I said.

“I don’t think I know you.  Are you a sophomore?”

“Nah, freshman.”

“Oh.  That’s probably why.  Who are you here with?” she asked.  Her tone wasn’t unfriendly, merely curious.

“Uh, Craig, I guess.  I’m his brother’s friend.”

“That’s cool.  My name is Julie.”

I felt a pang in my heart at that name.

“Nice to meet you.”

Just then, a rather large arm locked around my neck.

“Why are you hitting on my girlfriend, again?” roared a voice.

“Brad, stop!” said Julie, slapping his arm.

“I wasn’t, man, just talking,” I let out.  He didn’t have a real tight hold on me, but suddenly I was panicked.  My heart was beating inside my head.

The arm let go as quickly as it had appeared.  A large guy came into my view, giving Julie a tight squeeze.  He was one of those seniors who could give freshmen nightmares.

“Just shitting you, Joey, chill…”  He got a look at me.  “Oh, shit, I thought you were someone else!” he exclaimed when he saw me.

“You’re a retard, Brad!” said Julie.

“I thought it was Joey,” he said, laughing hard.  “You look just like him.  From the back.”

“It’s cool.  Don’t worry about it,” I said, trying to keep my voice steadier than I felt. 

“I’m not worried,” he said.

“All right,” I said, and ventured a hand out.  “I’m Matt.”

“Brad,” he said, with a death grip on my hand.  I was pretty sure he was on the football team.  “You’re not drinking,” he added, as he took a long chug of his beer, and threw the can away.

“Um, I just got here.”

“Well, get to it, man!”

“Brad, give him a break,” said Julie.  “He’s just a freshman.”

“Oh, really?”  Brad looked at me with a devilish grin.  Before he had a chance to do anything, I pulled a beer out, and offered it to him. 

“Need another beer?” I asked. 

He seemed surprised for a second, and then took it.

“I like this guy already,” he said with a laugh.

I pulled another out and opened it for myself.  My heart had finally stopped beating a thousand times a second.  I took a long drink, trying to impress the seniors.  The beer was ice cold, and went down easier than usual.  I felt some warmth, not only from the beer, but also from the small smile Julie gave me when I looked at her.

An hour later I was fairly buzzed, as were Brian and Carl.  Carmen was outright drunk.

“You know, Craig was right.  I’m really not that cold,” I said.  Was I slurring my words?  It was hard to tell if I was talking weird, or hearing weird.  Or both…

“Me neither,” said Carl, though he pulled his coat a little tighter around him as he spoke. 

“Well, I’m freezing,” stated Carmen.  Brian had reluctantly given her his coat, and he was obviously a bit cold. 

“I’m not giving you my sweater,” he said.

“I have to pee,” she whined.  “I hate peeing in the woods.”

“Better than peeing in your pants,” said Brian.

Carl and I thought it was pretty funny.  Brian didn’t score any points with Carmen though, as she stomped off into the woods to relieve herself.

We stood silently for a moment.  We didn’t really know anyone else there.  It seemed to be all juniors and seniors.  I still had a beer left, which I opened for lack of anything else to do.

“So what’s up with your woman?” asked Carl.

Brian didn’t say anything.  Then I realized Carl had asked me the question.

“What?” I said.

“I said, ‘So what’s up with your woman?’ ” Carl repeated slowly and deliberately.  Brian laughed.

“Oh, I thought you were talking to Bri.  Um... nothing much.”

“Haven’t heard from her?” Brian asked.

“She just wrote, actually.”

“Was she pissed off at you?” asked Carl.

I bristled at the unexpected comment, but kept it to myself.  “No.  Just busy.”

“Are you still going down there for winter break?”

I hesitated.  “I’m not sure,” I admitted.

“So she is pissed,” Carl observed.  “Sucks.  At least you get to ski with us, though.”

I took a long drink from my beer, wondering how to answer.  “I never said it was cancelled, I just said I didn’t know.  My parents might have to work after all,” I said, lying easily.

Carl just shrugged. 

“I don’t know how you do it, man,” said Brian.

“Do what?” I said.

“That long-distance thing.  If you can’t see her, what’s the use?”

“Well, I don’t know.  I really like her,” I said. 

“There’s a lot of cute girls around, though.”

“True,” said Carl.

“Yeah, but… I mean, they don’t always want to go out,” I said.

“True,” said Carl again.

“No, but if you’re not going to see Julie for most of the year, then you’re not going out with anyone, for sure,” said Brian.  “At least if you try to hook up here, you have a chance.”

“So you’re saying I should just stay local?” I said. 

“Well, I’m just saying, is she worth it?  You might be waiting a whole year to see her again.  And then what?  She might be changed, or not want to wait for you.”

“I guess I see it different, man.  I think she’s worth it.  We had a connection this summer.”  The words came easy, helped by the beer, but I wasn’t sure I understood their meaning anymore.

“Maybe,” said Brian.  “I’m not knocking you.  I’m just amazed that you can hang on to that.”

“Until I hear otherwise, I’m gonna stick with her,” I said, trying to sound determined.  I took another long chug of beer, but suddenly I felt cold.

Carmen came back from her pee break, walking unsteadily.

“Damn, it’s cold,” she said. 

Brian just shook his head and huffed.

The clearing became unexpectedly quiet, and then there was a hushed murmur among the others near us.  We looked over in the direction of the road.  A couple of flashlights were bobbing up and down, getting nearer.

Muffled shouts of “Cops! Cops!” suddenly echoed through the clearing, as people scrambled to grab beers.  Craig came up to us and thrust a six-pack each at Brian and me.  I grabbed it in the confusion, wondering why he was giving it to me. 

“Meet back at the truck,” was all he said.  When we just stood there dumbly, he pushed his brother forward in front of him.  “Run, man!”

All hell broke loose.  Brian ran into the woods, and Carl, Carmen and I followed.  Then there was a shout of “Wait!  Stop!” from behind.  No one stopped, so I kept running.  I could hear other people around us trampling through the underbrush.  Twigs scratched our faces as we dashed madly through the trees. 

I looked back and saw a flashlight following us.  In a panic, I tossed away my six-pack of beer into a passing bush.  Better than getting caught with it, I thought.  I turned off to my right.  Someone followed, but not the flashlight.

After a few frantic minutes of running, we were alone.  I stopped to catch my breath.  I was surprised to see Carmen stopped next to me.

“Damn, what the fuck was that?” I asked.

“Looks like the cops busted us,” answered Carmen.

“Where’s Bri and Carl?”

“I don’t know.  I thought you were Brian,” she admitted.  “Where are we?”

We looked around.  We were in the middle of the woods, with only some faint moonlight filtering down through the canopy.  There was no sign of the others, nor of the clearing.  I stood for a minute more, still breathing hard.  I had a vague idea which way we had run from, but how far and where we had turned off were not very clear to me. 

The sudden possibility of getting lost descended on me.  These woods went on for miles; wandering in a single direction did not guarantee exit to a road.  Being lost at night in the woods in November was bad.  Very bad.

“Where’s Pete when we need him?”

It was true.  This was where Peter would do something like use the moon and stars to pinpoint our direction back.  Then he’d probably even build a flashlight out of a beer can to boot.  But he wasn’t here with us.

“Should we call out?” asked Carmen.  I could tell by the way she was looking around that she was frightened.

“Bri!  Carl!” I yelled, but not too loud.  Silence.  I yelled again, louder.  There was no answer.  They could still be running, for all I knew.

 “All right, let’s just try and go back the way we came,” I said.  “Maybe we can find the clearing again.  Craig said to meet at his car, so let’s go.”

“What about the cops?” asked Carmen, fear touching her voice now.

“We’ll just have to chance it,” I said, trying to sound confident.  “I don’t really know anything else we can do.  I’d rather get arrested than be lost out here in this cold.”

I faced towards where I thought we had come from.  I looked up.  The moon was up high and over my left shoulder.  We started out, trying to keep a steady direction.  Carmen fell behind pretty soon.  I stopped and waited for her to catch up. 

“Are you all right?” I asked.

“I don’t know.  I feel weird.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m cold, and shaky.”

Suddenly she knelt down and threw up onto the ground.  I moved away and narrowly avoided having it splash all over my shoes.  I knelt down next to her, and steadied her. 

“Shit, are you all right?”

She didn’t answer.  Her breathing was uneven.  The night was suddenly much more serious than I had imagined it would be when we first set out from Brian’s house earlier that evening.

Panic rose up in me as I watched Carmen kneeling in the pine needles.  I forced myself to think.  Cold, shaky… I took off my coat and wrapped it around her shoulders.  The chill of the night air rushed under my shirt.  Every time I moved, a frozen part of the shirt touched a different area of my flesh like a hot knife.

“Carmen.  Carmen!” 

I shook her gently.  She stood up, and fell towards me.  I braced myself and held her upright.

“Oh my God, I feel so shitty!” she said, with a sudden laugh. 

I didn’t see anything funny about the situation.

“Can you walk if I hold you?” I asked urgently. 

We took a dozen tentative steps.

“I just want to lie down,” she said, letting her body slide down mine. 

She lay awkwardly on the forest floor, at my feet.

“Carmen, get up!  You can’t sleep here.” 

Carmen just groaned.

I stood for a full minute, unable to move.  Part of me wanted to run away, but Carmen would certainly freeze to death.  I had no idea what to do.  The pounding in my heart was threatening to overwhelm me.  Everything was going into overdrive in my mind.  My breathing was uneven, too.  I was still feeling the beer, and lucid thought was eluding me.  I yelled for Brian and Carl again, but there was no answer.  The cold was making me ache.

I knelt down and shook Carmen.

“I don’t want to get up, Mom.” 

“I’m not your mom!  You’re lying in the woods and it’s freezing.  Get up!”

Suddenly she raised her head up, and laughed out loud.  Then she threw up again.  I grabbed her head right before she laid it down in her own puke.  Disgust filled me.  This was Brian’s girlfriend.  Why was I doing this?

I pushed her over onto her back, and then stood up again.  The reality of being lost was seeping into my thoughts, as my memory of the run receded.  Carmen was shaking on the ground.  If I didn’t start moving soon, I was going to freeze, too.

I bent down and lifted Carmen into my arms.  She wasn’t as heavy as I thought she would be.  Luckily she was a petite girl.  I started walking again, trying to keep from banging her head into any branches.  My path meandered through the larger gaps in the trees.  I hoped I was staying straight.  Carmen was no help; she was completely limp. 

After a minute, I thought maybe I had come about as far as where I had veered off.  Was it left or right though?  Everything about the run was hazy now.  I remembered ghostly black trunks flying by like grisly slalom gates, and then throwing the beer off to my left, and… and turning away from it.  Yes, it was to the right.  So I should turn left.  But how much?

I looked up.  The moon looked like it was on my right now.  Was I turned around?  I turned to my left some.  The moon still looked like it was on my right.  I realized it was almost straight overhead.  The one thing I thought would help was now useless.

My arms were burning from holding Carmen.  I put her down, and decided to scout ahead and then come back and get her.  As soon as I started off, I realized that it was a bad idea, since I probably would never find her again. 

I walked back to her, and picked her up again.  At this point I wasn’t even sure which direction to go.  Had I already turned enough?  I committed to going a bit left of the direction I was last going, and started off again.

The progress was slow.  I had to stop a few times to put Carmen down, and rest for a few minutes, as my arms were threatening to dislodge from my shoulders. 

But then the sweat started freezing and I felt tight, so it was up and forward again.  After what seemed like an hour, the ground started sloping up to my left.  This was promising, as we had started by running downhill some.  I turned to walk up the slope.

Suddenly I heard a muffled voice laughing ahead.  I stopped and listened.  I wasn’t sure if I had imagined hearing it, but then I heard it again.  I didn’t know why someone would be laughing in the woods right now, but I didn’t care. 

Hope surged through me as I increased my pace up the hill.  A root caught my foot, and I stumbled, somehow managing not to completely drop Carmen.  She let out a cry as we hit the ground.  The pine needles were deep, and it wasn’t a bad fall, but enough to shake her out of her stupor.

“What’s happening?” asked Carmen, stirring awake.

“Sorry, I tripped.”

“What?  Matt?  What’s going on?”  Carmen propped herself up on one unsteady arm, and looked around groggily.

“We’re in the woods?  Remember?  The cops came?”

“Oh, my head is spinning.”

“Can you stand?  I think the clearing is up ahead.”

“I don’t know.”

“Try.” 

I stood up, and pulled her up a bit roughly.  She leaned against me.

“Whoa, shit, I don’t know.”

“Come on, try and walk,” I urged.  “I don’t think I can carry you any farther.”

“Carry me?  What are you talking about?”

“Come on,” I repeated, ignoring her question. 

I draped her arm over my shoulder, and we started up the hill again.  I was determined to get to the people ahead before they moved.

“What happened?  I remember running,” she said. 

I was glad she sounded a little more coherent. 

“I was following Brian,” she continued, her words heavily slurred, “and then, oh, gross, did I throw up?”

“Yeah, a couple of times,” I said, shivering off the memory.

“No wonder my mouth tastes like crap.”

I tried to put the imagined taste out of my head.  I forged on, almost dragging Carmen’s feet sometimes.  A huge wave of relief washed over me, as up ahead I saw the Ledges.  Oddly, there were people standing around just like when we had gotten there the first time that evening.

“Okay, stop for a sec,” said Carmen, breathing hard.

“All right, but the clearing is right up there, see?” I said eagerly, speaking as much for my benefit as hers.

“Are those cops?” she asked, looking hard at the people.

“I don’t know.  It looks like a party again.  Come on,” I said, pulling her forward again.

We walked slowly, and entered the clearing. 

It was surreal.  It was as if nothing had happened.  People were standing around, drinking beers and talking in the silvery moonlight. 

Had we been dreaming?  Was it a prank the seniors had pulled on us freshmen?  Carmen needed to sit on a ledge, so I went up to a group of guys. 

“Hey, anyone seen Craig?” I asked.

“Yeah, he left a while ago,” one of the guys said.

“Left?”

“Yeah, he and his brother, and I think maybe another kid: they left.  They were looking for his brother’s girlfriend.  Did you run?  Is that her?” he said, pointing to Carmen.

“Yeah.  What the fuck happened?  I thought the cops showed up.”

“It was just Jack and Roman with flashlights.”

“What?  Someone said it was the cops!”

“False alarm.  Why did you run?”

“I don’t know, people were yelling ‘Run’, and ‘Cops’, and shit.”  I let out a sigh of frustration.

“Are you a freshman?” he asked with a chuckle.

“Yeah,” I admitted.

He nodded knowingly.

“Did Craig say if he was coming back?” I asked.

“I don’t know, man.”

“All right, thanks.”  I turned away.

“Yo, you look like you need a beer,” he called out, holding out a can as if it was the answer to everything.

I looked at it.  He had no idea what I had just been through.

“Thanks, but no.”

I walked back to where Carmen was sitting, holding her head.  I sat down next to her.

“Seems like they left us behind.”

“Oh, crap.  What time is it?” she asked.

“Almost midnight.”

“Damn.  I need to get home!”

“Well, I have no idea what to do.  I guess we can go back to the truck and see if they are there.”

Carmen let out a disheartened moan.

For a moment I felt a pang of pity.  “I’ll help you walk.  Come on, I’m freezing.”

I offered her a hand. 

“Where’s your coat?” she asked, oblivious. 

I just looked at her for a moment.  “I guess I lost it in the woods,” I said, disgusted. 

“That sucks…”

We started off down the path, with Carmen leaning on me for support.  It was at least a little warmer if we pressed against each other.

When we got to the road, the truck was still there, idling noisily.  I could see Craig, Brian and Carl sitting in the cab, drinking beer.  I felt a wave of resentment pass through me.

As we approached, Carl and Brian saw us and got out.

“Shit, where’ve you been?” they asked.

“Where have you been?” I retorted.  “I’ve been freezing my ass off in the woods for an hour!”

“I’m cold,” said Carmen, despite the fact that she was wearing most of our coats. 

Brian took Carmen and put her in the cab to warm up.  The three of us jumped into the pickup bed, as Craig pulled out.

“We said to meet back at the truck,” said Brian, yelling over the wind and the truck motor. 

“I know that, dumb ass!  The problem was finding my way back after we stopped running,” I said hotly.

“How far did you run?” asked Carl.  “It was just some dudes with flashlights.” 

I gave him an evil stare, which he unfortunately missed in the darkness.

“Not that far,” I said, defensively.  “I would have been fine, if your girlfriend didn’t pass out on me, Bri.”

“Carmen passed out?”  He exclaimed, laughing richly.

“Dude, it’s not funny!  I had to carry her ass through the woods.  If my arms weren’t so sore I’d beat the crap out of you right now.”

“It’s a little funny.”

“Well, fuck you, dickhead.”

“All right, I’m sorry, but what do you want me to do?” he asked, still chuckling.  “Wander the woods looking for you all night?  I thought you were with us, but when we stopped, you were gone.  So when you weren’t in the clearing, we figured you went to the truck already.”

I let out a huff, unheard over the noise.  “Whatever.  Give me your coat,” I said to Carl. 

Luckily he didn’t protest.  I was about ready to throw them both over the side of the truck.  It wasn’t really their fault, but seeing them drinking beers in the warm cab while I had been dodging puke had not led to a favorable disposition, regardless of where the blame lay.

We dropped Carmen off at her house, first.  She said nothing to me, or anyone else, as she went inside. 

I got in the cab, since the wind in the back of the pickup was threatening to turn me into a block of ice.  I didn’t give Carl his coat back.  Carmen had left our coats on the seat of the cab.  I felt some sense of malicious satisfaction at having all of the coats with me, in the warmth of the cab, while Carl and Brian sat in the open pickup bed without them.

“Well, that sucked,” Craig said, driving more slowly along the moonlit road.  Presumably Carmen had complained about the time the whole way to her house, and he had driven fast, eager to drop her off.

“Fucking Roman, Jack.  Idiots…” he muttered.  “They forgot to turn off their flashlights.”

“Do the cops ever really bust these parties?”  I had trouble imagining the police walking ten minutes into the woods in freezing temperatures just to catch a few drinking kids.

“Yeah, a few times they have.  You never know.  I jumped the gun tonight, but I can’t take the chance.  I got caught last year.  The cops let me off, but I don’t think I’d get that lucky again.”

I wondered if driving after drinking a few beers was such a good idea given his relationship with the police, but it didn’t seem like the coolest thing to bring up.  “How far did you run?” I asked, after a moment.

“Not far.  I yelled out stop, but you guys kept running.”

“I thought it was the cops yelling stop,” I admitted.

Craig sniffed.  “Sorry.”

He pulled into his driveway, and I reluctantly got out.  Luckily Carl and Brian were silent as they grabbed their coats from the cab, and we went inside.  Wordlessly, I set out my sleeping bag on the couch. 

As I lay there that night, I had time to warm up, and collect my thoughts.  All that, I thought, just to drink a few stupid beers!  I wondered why we went to the lengths we did, to make something difficult work out.  Was it worth it?  Or at the end of the day, were you just left out in the cold?

Forward to Chapter 6

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