Looking Through The Lens

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Chapter 22

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When Lara and I got home that night after the fishing trip, Sarah was awake, reading on the porch.  It was after midnight.

“Hi Mom.  You didn’t have to wait for us,” I said.

“I know, I just wanted to see how it went.”

Lara and I recounted the fishing trip.  I had never seen Lara so excited about fishing before, so it was a pleasure to watch her eyes flashing as she told the tale of catching her prizewinner.

“Well, I’m really happy things went well.  Frej seems like a good man,” Sarah said. 

“He is,” I agreed.

“I’m off to bed, then.  I’m glad you are home safe.”  She gave us each a hug and a kiss.  “Oh, Matt, there’s something for you on your bed.”  Sarah seemed somewhat tentative.

“What is it?”

“Julie stopped by.”

“Oh.  What did she say?”

“She just left you a letter.”

My stomach lurched a little.  Lara and I looked at each other.

“All right, thanks, I’ll check it out.”

After Sarah went to bed, Lara and I went to my room.  There was an envelope with my name on it.  It sat on the bedspread like a neon sign.

“What do you think she wants?” Lara asked.

“Only one way to find out,” I said, tearing at the envelope.

“Do you want me to go?”

“No, stay.  I’d appreciate your opinion on whatever it is she has to say.”

Lara nodded and gave me a little hug of appreciation at including her.

As I pulled out the letter, I was thrown back to that winter evening when I had opened her other letter.  How far away that seemed!  Despite still being able to hear an echo of those terrible feelings from that night, I almost couldn’t understand how I had reacted that way. 

Now I was miles away from those feelings.  Everything that had been wrong about being with Julie was right with Heather.  The only thing that weighed on me was that we were leaving in a few days.

But even that carried promise.  Yes, I had changed since last year.

The letter was short:

I read it twice, but couldn’t really tell what it was that she wanted to say.  Except for the part about missing me, I thought the letter was pretty vague about her feelings.

“You don’t think she wants to get back together with me?” I asked.

Lara shrugged.  “She has to know you are with Heather.”

“Yeah, but maybe she thinks...  I don’t know.”

“Are you going to go?”

“I don’t know.  Maybe I should, at least see what she wants to say.  Maybe she just wants to be friends.”

“Would you do that?” Lara asked.

“Well, sure I would.  I don’t like seeing her unhappy or having her be angry at me, if we can work it out.”

“Just don’t get mesmerized by her sirens,” Lara said.

“I won’t.  Believe me, I’ve learned something from my Julie experience.”

“Good,” Lara said, “because I haven’t seen you this happy in a long time.”

I smiled at Lara, and gave her a hug.  “Thanks for coming out tonight.  I was really glad you were on the boat with us.”

“It was fun.  I can’t believe I won!  I mean, you two fish every morning.”

“That’s the way the luck goes sometimes.”

“I’m going to bed,” Lara said.  She yawned into my shoulder.

“All right, me too,” I agreed.  “Goodnight.”

Lara didn’t want to leave our embrace, so we stood a while longer in the center of the room, before she finally pulled away.

“Goodnight,” she said.

Surprisingly, curiosity about what Julie wanted wasn’t enough to keep me awake, and I soon fell asleep.

The next morning at the pier, I wasn’t as excited about calling Julie anymore.  I took one look at Heather smiling at me, and decided I shouldn’t call Julie.  I was happy; why revisit that old wound?

Heather could tell something was on my mind.  After I goosed her a little about catching a bigger bass than she had (to which she merely made a face), we got to fishing.  The pan fish were much less exciting after the previous night’s expedition.

“You seem preoccupied,” Heather said.

“I guess.”

“What’s up?”

“I’m leaving in three days,” I blurted out.

“Yeah, that sucks.  Sure you can’t transfer schools?  Live with your Aunt and Uncle?”

For a moment I considered it, but it was just a dream.  “I wish, Heather, I wish.”

There was some silence.  Nothing moved save the waves.

“Julie came by the house last night,” I said at last.

“While we were on the boat?”

“Yeah.  She left a note.”

“What did she want?”

“To talk.  She wants to get together and talk.”

“Do you want to?”

“I don’t know.  She said something about being here tonight.”

“I think you should,” Heather said.

I looked at her with a frown.  “Really?”

“Yes.”

“But we only have a few days together.  I’d rather be with you.”

“You should work this out.”

I sighed heavily.  I had somewhat pushed thoughts of Julie aside since I had gotten together with Heather, but after seeing her note I had to admit some regrets were making me feel uneasy about how I had left things with her.  And her father had left town, and...

None of which was really my fault, I thought.  But still...

“You really think I should talk to her?” I asked Heather.

“Yes, I do.”

“What if she wants to get back together?  Aren’t you worried about that?”

Heather smiled at me warmly.  “Should I be?”

Relief flooded over me as I knew that she knew the answer to that question.  I pulled her in for a hug, made a little awkward by the fishing rods we still held.

“No, of course that will never happen.  I want to be with you,” I said.

“I know.  Then go and fix things with her.  You’ll both feel better, I hope.”

I hoped so too.

Seven o’clock felt like next week all day long.  Heather was working, Lara was reading, and I was restless.  I had no idea what Julie wanted.  For some reason I kept imagining scenarios and making up speeches for each one, only to cringe a half-hour later at my words.  I didn’t know why I was so nervous about meeting Julie.  She just wanted to talk, maybe apologize, I told myself.

Around six I called Heather at the market.  She could tell I was anxious.

“Listen, go down there now, take your fishing pole and relax,” she advised.

That proved to be helpful, since the peace that came with the repetitive sound of the waves and the whirring of the reel helped me feel grounded again.

By the time I saw Julie walking down the pier, I was only mildly nervous.

I stashed my fishing gear away and made my way towards the gazebo halfway between us.  The sun was just beginning to turn the sky red, and I lamented the fact that I had to share this sunset with Julie, and not with Heather. 

Julie waited for me to approach, standing by the post of the gazebo. 

“Hey,” I offered, as I set my gear down on the grey planks.

“Thanks for coming.  I wasn’t sure if you would.”

I shrugged, for lack of a good answer.  We entered the gazebo, and sat on the bench seat somewhat apart from each other.  There was some silence as we looked at the water, the shore, the floor.  I was suddenly aware of the fact that this was the site of our first kiss.  And our last fight.

“Nice night,” I said.  That was dumb, I thought.

“Yeah.”

More silence.

“What did you want to talk about?” I asked, not wanting to feel awkward any longer.

Julie finally looked at me.  “I just wanted to see how you were doing.”

I nodded slowly, though I didn’t really know why she wanted to know that.  I thought we were here to talk about her.

“I’m doing alright,” I said.  “You?”

“Um, me too.”

“Cool.”

I started regretting the decision to come talk to her.  There were so many things between us now, that it was daunting to even consider bringing them up again.  And unnecessary!

I looked at Julie.  Her face was different than I remembered.  There was no light in her brown eyes, no mirth in her cheeks.  A heaviness sat there now, which hadn’t been there before. 

Suddenly I could see the pain she hid.  As if the wall between us suddenly opened, I could see her crying late at night.  She was wondering what I was doing with Heather, why I had broken up with her, why her father had left again...

For a long time I couldn’t move.  I just looked at her, torn between receding back behind the wall, or taking her into a hug.  Last summer’s friendship with Julie was so distant, and yet at the same time it was only one embrace away. 

‘Go and fix things with her,’ Heather had said.

I moved over to Julie and put an arm around her.  She seemed surprised for a second, and then she softened and leaned against me.  Fairly quickly, her body shook gently as she cried.  It was brief, but she didn’t pull away after letting out a last sigh.

“Julie, I know you’ve been through a lot in the last few weeks,” I said, after she had calmed again.  “I heard your Dad left again.  I’m really sorry to hear that.  I know how important it was to you that he came back.”

“Looks like I won’t be moving to Florida after all,” she said.  

“What happened?” I asked softly.  Her brown hair was glowing in the sunset light. 

“They had a fight and he left,” she said simply.

“He’s gone for good?”

“Yeah, again.  I guess it was just a tease to have him back.  It’s for the best.  It doesn’t really matter.”

“Julie, don’t say that.  It does matter.”

“He’s just a liar.  I think his ex-wife called him and he went running back to her.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“No, but I don’t really care.”

I didn’t really know her Dad at all; I wasn’t sure I should be defending him.

“I’m sorry.  It has to be tough to have him leave again.”

Julie didn’t say anything for a while.  I just held her against me.

“Last time we were here, you were angry with me,” she said quietly.  “I still don’t know what happened to make you so mad at me, so suddenly.  I thought we were making progress, getting back to how things were last year.”

It was my turn to be silent.

“Were you just looking for a way to break up with me that night?” she asked.

“I don’t know what you mean,” I said.

“You wanted to talk about John, and Lara, and my past.”

“I did.  But I didn’t bring it up so that I could break up with you.”

“I should have told you, I know.  Especially about Lara.  I’m sorry I didn’t.  Maybe things would have turned out differently.”

“Julie, it’s so complicated.  I don’t know where we went wrong.”

“Well, it’s my fault, not yours,” she said.

“No, don’t say that.”

“There was no excuse for what I did to you, with Brian.  My Dad has proven to me again the pain that that brings.”

I closed my eyes, wishing I could somehow make her feel better.  But I wasn’t in a position to do that now.

“And the thing with Lara, well, I hurt both of you I think.  She probably told you I came over?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, she said some things that made me really think about what I did, and about... about us.”

I tightened up slightly, and Julie sensed it.

“I’m not going to try to get you back, Matt,” she said, “as much as I want to.  I know you are with Heather.”

I didn’t really relax much.

“But I miss you,” she continued.  “I wish we could be friends.  Or at least not hate each other.”

I let out the breath I was holding.  Her voice was soft, and open.  I ventured a hand through her hair.  The sunset was astoundingly exquisite, I realized. 

 “Julie, I don’t hate you.  I want to be friends, too.  I’m sorry for the way we left things last time.  Last year was really difficult for me.  When I came back here this summer, I wasn’t expecting things to go like they did.  I wasn’t being honest with you, about Heather, and about you.  I mean she...  I was...  I love Heather.”

Those last words surprised me.  They came out before I had even thought them.

“I know,” Julie said, which also surprised me.

“You know?”

“Lara said so,” she explained.  “She told me I had lost you to Heather.”

I sat stone still, trying to remember what Lara had said about her conversation with Julie.  I couldn’t remember her saying anything like this.

“She said that?”

“Yeah.”

I realized the conversation between them was different than the one I had gathered from Lara’s description.

“She’s lucky to have you,” Julie said simply.

I wasn’t sure if she meant Lara or Heather.  Before I could ask, I noticed someone approaching down the pier.

I shifted slightly, getting the feeling that the person was coming for us.  It wasn’t a good feeling.

“Someone’s coming.  Some guy,” I said.

Julie straightened and looked at the approaching figure.  “Oh crap.”

“What?”

“It’s Brian.”  Julie pulled herself away from me some, as Brian approached.  I looked at the sunset, wondering what her deal with Brian was.  Lara had said it was unclear.

Brian stepped up onto the first step of the gazebo.

“What are you doing here?” Julie asked him.

“Looking for you.  I thought you were coming to the party.”

“I told you earlier that I wasn’t going out tonight.”

Brian let out an annoyed sigh.  “No, you said you were coming.”

“No, you said that.  I said I was staying home.”

“So why are you here, then?  And who the hell are you?” Brian asked, turning his gaze to me.

“Matt,” I said.

“I need to talk to Julie alone for a minute,” he said expectantly.

“No,” Julie said, “I told you earlier, I’m not going out with you tonight, or any other night for that matter.”

“Julie – ”

“Brian, go away, I’m talking to Matt right now.”

Brian seemed to suddenly connect who I was.  “Oh.  This is the Matt.”  The words were not particularly friendly, I thought.

For a moment, no one moved.  Then Brian came into the gazebo.  “I want you to come out tonight.  It will be fun, we’ll have a good time, I promise.”

Though his words were nice, his tone was not.  I didn’t know Brian, but I thought there was a veiled threat in there.

“No, I’m not coming out!  Now please go away.”

“I’m not going away,” Brian retorted.  He was starting to get agitated.  “Tell me why you won’t come out.”

Julie let out an annoyed breath, but didn’t respond. 

“If you aren’t going out, then why are you here?  With him?” he asked, gesturing to me with his head.

Julie stood, and pulled on my hand.  “Come on, let’s go somewhere else.”

Brian moved and stood in her way, blocking the entrance to the gazebo.  My stomach started tightening. 

“Brian, move out of the way, please,” Julie said.

“I can’t believe you are here with him.  You are getting back together with him, like everyone’s been saying!”

“No, we’re not getting back together,” Julie said.

“Bullshit,” Brian said.

“We’re not,” I confirmed, but Brian ignored me.

Julie tried to go around Brian, but he pushed her back.  Up to that point, I had decided to stay neutral.  There was some issue between them, and I didn’t have anything to offer.  But when Brian pushed her, I started feeling like I had to get involved.  I took a deep breath.

“We’re just talking, man, just friends,” I said.  I tried to keep my voice casual.

“Stay out of this,” he said.

“Brian,” Julie said. 

“Shut up.”

“I’m leaving,” she said.  She climbed out over the bench, and Brian went out onto the deck to face her again.  I was desperately hoping things would blow over, but Brian wasn’t letting up.  Julie started walking down the pier as Brian followed, trying to get her attention.   I grabbed my fishing gear up and cautiously went after them. 

Brian grabbed Julie’s arm and spun her around.  His tone changed for the worse as he started yelling at her.  Julie was ignoring Brian’s questions, and she turned to look at me.  There was desperation in her eyes.

“Hey!  Let her go!” I yelled.

Brian turned to me, eyes red.  “Shut the fuck up, and butt out!”

“She doesn’t want to go out with you, asshole!”

At that point, I realized I had crossed the line with Brian.  His eyes tightened and he came towards me.  I’d never been in a fight, and the fear gripping my stomach at that moment was unexpected and paralyzing. 

“I don’t want to fight,” I said, unable to keep my voice steady.  My breath was choking me.

“You should of thought of that before you opened your mouth,” Brian said darkly.  I was only dimly aware of Julie trying to stop his advance.  Mostly I was just watching Brian’s face, and wondering if I should jump off of the pier and swim away.

I braced myself as he pushed my chest with heavy hands.   I stumbled back a little, but kept my footing.  My arms swung under the weight of the tackle box and fishing rod I still held.

“I don’t want to fight,” I repeated, hoping he would understand.

Julie put a hand on his arm, and Brian shook it off violently.

As he turned to me again, I felt a surge of anger.  This prick was the one who had ruined my relationship with Julie.  He was clearly a drag on her, and now on me.  His stupid red face was just such an easy target. 

In the ruddy light, a thin flash of red arced in front of Brian’s face.  The only warning may have been the Fwit! of sound.  But even that was no warning, really.  A second later, Brian was clutching the side of his face.  For a long moment, no one moved.  My fishing pole swung loosely in my hand again.

Then he was on top of me.  The blow to my chest sent me flying backwards.  I heard my fishing pole and tackle box clatter to the deck behind me.  As I turned and shot out my hands to break my fall, I could see dozens of little blood red treble hooks scattering out of the opened box.  They spread across the planks like jacks, some falling through the gaps forever lost to the water.

I wasn’t worried about those as much as the ones that stayed on the pier.

Pain shot through my hand and arms as I landed on the barbs. 

The next part was somewhat hazy, as Brian had knocked the wind out of me, and the hooks embedded in me were rather painful.  It didn’t help that my head had hit the deck pretty hard, too.  Somehow my head had missed the field of hooks.

I felt rough hands on me for a moment, and screaming, a struggle, and then gentle hands on me.  For a while I just shut my eyes, trying to get the pain under control.  I was afraid to move, but someone helped me up and out of the way.

Julie was crying, asking me if I was all right.  I wasn’t sure.  I tried to look around, but everything was watery. 

“He’s gone, he’s gone, Matt, he’s gone,” she said.  “Don’t move, let me try to get these out.”

Julie gingerly pulled at the hooks that were stuck in me.  She winced and cringed at every one.  To say that it stung like hell would be understating the agony.  I felt like I had thrust my arms into a nest of angry wasps.

Julie managed to remove most of the superficial hooks, but some were in deep.  My vision had cleared, and I could see some that had two of the three barbs buried deeply in my flesh.

“Can you walk?” Julie asked.  “Can you walk to my house?  You are going to need some Band-Aids, and we need to wash these cuts when I take the hooks out.”

“I think I can walk,” I said.

“Okay, just wait, I’ll get your stuff.”

I held my arms out uselessly in front of me as Julie gathered up the hooks and scooped them into the tackle box, and then replaced the rest of the items.  She hefted the box and rod with one hand, and helped me up with the other.  I was still woozy from the hit to my head, but I could walk slowly.

When we got to Julie’s house, she had me sit on the couch, and then went to gather some items.  Every time I looked at the hooks piercing my flesh, I felt lightheaded.  She took some time, but eventually returned and helped me over to the kitchen sink. 

It was then that I learned the truth of the statement that it hurts more coming out than going in.  I was just glad I had a stool to sit on.

I was lying on the couch again, semi-conscious.  Julie had been as gentle as she could, and had really taken care of me.  A deeply caring side of her I hadn’t seen before had presented itself through the intense pain.  I was grateful for it.

Julie adjusted the ice pack on my forehead.  Then I felt a gentle kiss on my lips, and a hand caressing my chest.

I opened my eyes in fright, only to see Heather looking down at me.

“How are you?” she asked.  While her face was serious, her eyes were amused.

“I’m okay,” I said.  I looked around briefly, and noticed I was still at Julie’s.

“Julie called me and I came as soon as I could,” she said in answer to my unspoken question.

I smiled at her.  “Sorry.”

“About what?”

“About getting into a fight.”

Heather chuckled.  “I think you took it worse than I did.”

Julie came into the living room, and stood by the foot of the couch.  I gave her a small smile. “Thanks for helping,” I said honestly.

Julie nodded. 

“What happened to Brian?”

“I don’t know, he started to pull you up, and then I tried to get him off, and he just left.  Maybe seeing the fishing hooks scared him.”

I let out a deep breath.  “I hope he doesn’t come around looking to finish the fight.”

Julie shrugged.  “His face is going to hurt for a while.  He had a long, ugly welt on the side of it,” she said, drawing a line from her temple to her nose

I looked at my arms and hands.  They were covered in bandages, and in between were scratches and pricks.  My watch was missing.

“What time is it?”

“About ten.”

“Ten!?”

“You took a nap for while,” Heather said with a slight laugh.

I was still feeling uneasy about the fight, but my head had cleared.  I sat up, gingerly, trying to avoid using my hands or arms for leverage.  Heather helped me up.

“Is your Mom here?” I asked Julie.

“No, she will be home soon, though.”

“I should go, then,” I said, standing.

“You don’t have to,” Julie said.

“I don’t really feel like explaining this to anyone right now,” I said, holding out my hands.  I went over to Julie, and gave her the best hug I could manage.  “Thanks for the help, and I’m sorry.  I hope Brian doesn’t bother you anymore.”

“He’s leaving for college in a few weeks, after that I won’t have to see him,” Julie said.

“Well, thanks.  I’m glad we talked.”

“Me too,” she agreed.  Her voice was emotional.

To my surprise, Heather gave Julie a hug, too.  I wondered what they had talked about when I was sleeping.

As we went out into the night, I smiled at Julie one more time.  She smiled back, holding my gaze for a moment.  There was something different about her. 

Her light had returned just a little. 

Forward to Chapter 23

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