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Ryan Sylander
Looking Through The Lens http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/ryansylander/www/ Chapter 14
For not being a morning person, I was sure getting up early a lot, I thought. The sun was barely cracking the horizon as I walked past the gazebo, remembering the events of the night before. She was already there when I arrived at the end. “I’m sorry about last night, over at the gazebo,” I said, after we exchanged subdued greetings. She just shrugged a little. “I probably shouldn’t have brought that up,” I continued. “I didn’t consider how you might feel about it.” “Well, you told the truth,” she said. “Yeah, well, I feel bad. I said it because… because I maybe was wanting a little revenge.” She laughed gently. “I know.” “I hope you’re not mad at me,” I said. She was looking at me, but I avoided her glance. “No, Matt, everything’s fine. No harm.” We were quiet for a while. Then she spoke again. “So is it over?” she asked softly. I sighed heavily. “Yeah, it’s over.” There was no response from her as I watched the waves lapping the pier posts. I looked at her, and found surprising comfort and sympathy in those lively blue eyes.
The night before had been somewhat of a mess. In that moment of truth, that instant where the fork in the road had opened before me, it became clear which path was wrong. Everything Lara had told me made sense. The mistakes I had made already that summer became obvious. I felt sad looking into those big brown eyes, as they pleaded with me silently. But I wasn’t trapped by them anymore, or by the promise of long days looking at them full of desire. My only hope was that we could remain friends. Julie looked away. “Someone’s coming,” she suddenly said. She wiped at the streaks on her face. I turned as two figures approached in the fading light. I recognized one of them, just as she spoke. My stomach knotted up. “Hi, Julie,” Heather said, as they stopped just shy of the steps entering the gazebo. The guy with her had his arm around her waist. “Oh hi, Heather, Bill.” Her voice was still a little tremulous. There was a brief silence, then Julie spoke again. “Um, sorry, this is Matt, my boyfriend.” I nodded to them, as my gut tightened further at hearing the word ‘boyfriend.’ It’s funny how one word can just set you off. Up to that point I felt no anger towards Julie. But suddenly, when I looked at her, I saw the things she had done to me, the things she had kept from me. Lara was so right; I had never gotten my anger out. And now it had crawled unwanted out of its hiding place. “I know Heather,” I said, watching Julie. Julie turned to me in surprise. “Oh, I didn’t know that.” “Yeah, we fish together sometimes.” Julie’s face went into a frown. I glanced at Heather, suddenly remembering that her boyfriend was right there. Surprisingly, I thought I saw a slight smile cross her face for a second. I don’t know if Heather or Bill could sense it, but there was a taut tension between me and Julie. Either way, they excused themselves and walked down to the end of the pier. “Why didn’t you ever tell me you knew her?” Julie asked. “It didn’t come up,” I said dismissively. “When did you fish with her?” The suspicion was clear in her voice. “Last year for a while, and a few times this year. She likes to fish on the pier here, where I come in the mornings.” Julie shook her head and looked at me. “You know, for all your talk of me not telling you about Lara and John, it sounds like you’re just the same,” she said quietly. I wondered if she was really upset about Heather, or if she was just using this as a ploy to excuse herself from not having told me about her encounters. It didn’t matter though. I knew what I needed to do, and arguing the differences between my secrets and hers was not in my best interests, I felt. “Julie, sit.” She just watched me silently in the dusk. “Alright, don’t.” I took a deep breath, wondering exactly how to begin. What I had rehearsed all day for my talk with her was an optimistic, yet cautious healing of our relationship. But that was not what I was going to say now. Now, I had to wing it. “I think we should stop being together as a couple,” I said. I cringed a little, as it sounded pretty harsh. But so what, I thought suddenly, she needs to feel some pain too. “What? W-why?” Julie sputtered loudly. “Shh, they’re just down there,” I said, gesturing towards the end of the pier. “I don’t care. Is this because of John, or Lara?” “No, Julie, it’s because of me. I don’t think I can handle doing the long dist – ” “It’s different now, Matt, I was stupid last year. I wouldn’t do that to you again!” she said, her tone desperate. “But what about Florida? I might never see you again.” “Matt, I don’t know, that probably won’t even work out. My Dad’s probably going to disappear again.” I sighed. She seemed pretty certain just a little while ago that they were going south. Now she seemed to be bailing on everything that was in my favor. “Julie, I – ” “I can’t believe that you’re dumping me. Is it Heather?” “No, she has a boyfriend, you know that,” I said dismissively. “We just fish together sometimes. Can you keep your voice down, please?” She ignored me. “Then why? Are you mad I didn’t let you have sex with me yesterday?” I looked down the pier, wondering how much of this conversation Heather and Bill were hearing. It was getting dark, but I could still make them out leaning on the rail. “It’s not about the sex. It’s that – ” “Because I thought I was making you happy. I thought that things were getting better, and all this time you were leading me on!” I shook my head. Julie was out of control, freaking out. I was taken aback, seeing this side of her. The desperation and anxiety in her demeanor were scary. “I told you, I’m sorry about what happened,” she continued. “I was just confused. I didn’t tell you about Lara or John because I was afraid of losing you.” “Julie – ” “And Brian was just… was just a bad decision, I’ve learned from that! I thought you understood!” I was tired of being cut off, and not really wanting to have Heather hear every word Julie was saying. “I’m going to go home now,” I said, standing and walking off down the pier. “No, Matt, wait, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, just talk to me, tell me what’s wrong. We can fix it, whatever it is.” “You’re not letting me – ” “I felt so close to you yesterday, at your house. Didn’t you feel it?” I stopped walking, and turned to her. Her face was half lit from the shore lights, shining brightly where tears had left their trails. “Julie, it’s over. Go home. We can talk when you are more in control, but right now, you are freaking out. I can’t talk to you this way.” My tone must have been heavy enough to penetrate her thoughts because she didn’t say anything further as I walked off down the pier. I didn’t look back. About halfway home I sat on the sand, and cried for a long time.
“How are you taking it?” Heather asked. “I’m alright. I feel like a weight is lifted off of me.” “Mmm. Julie seemed pretty distraught.” “Yeah, she didn’t take it so well.” “We…” Heather hesitated. “What?” “We kind of heard her yelling.” My heart sank. I tried to remember exactly what Julie had said, what half of the conversation Heather had heard. “We hung back when we saw you leaving,” she added. “Julie stayed in the gazebo for a while, before she went home.” I was at least relieved to hear she didn’t do anything crazy. “We followed her home, just in case.” I looked at Heather in surprise. “Really?” “Yeah, Bill was a little worried about her. He thought we should just make sure she got home alright.” “Well, that was nice of him,” I said. “Heh, well, he has a soft spot for Julie. They used to go out.” I shook my head in wonder. Julie sure got around. “Great. So he probably hates me. First he finds out you and I fish together, and then he sees me dump his ex-girlfriend and walk away.” “Nah, Bill’s cool. He already knew we fished. He also knew about Julie and you, and the Brian thing. And, his breakup with her didn’t go much better, to be honest.” It was a small town, I thought to myself. I wasn’t sure if Heather’s words made me feel any better, but at least I knew some more to the story. “So he knows we fish? He doesn’t care?” “No, he hates fishing. If I have someone to fish with, then he’s happy because he can sleep in and not have to ‘touch the slimy fish,’ as he says.” The realization that Heather really had a boyfriend was growing. Spoken for indeed, and with a decent sounding guy no less. Hopes of stealing her away from him were fading a little. Then I reminded myself that I hadn’t dismissed Julie because of Heather. I knew that for the moment Heather was out of reach. And Bill had given her his blessing to fish with me, which was more than most guys would have done, so I needed to start there. “Well, I’m going to fish. I’m four in the hole.” “Five,” she corrected, though her tone was gentle. I laughed at my attempt to steal a point back, but she still was watching me seriously. “I’m fine, really,” I said, nodding. Heather nodded back, and went about getting her line tied. “I was thinking,” she said, “that maybe your fish should count double.” The playfulness was back in her voice. “Why?” “Because otherwise it’s no challenge.” I looked over and rolled my eyes at her. “I mean, you have negative fish right now,” she said. “You owe the ocean a fish!” I laughed. “Hey, it was just day one of the competition. I suffered a horrible penalty at the hands of the, um, impartial judges?” “Hey, no one said life was fair. Tell you what, just because I’m am so sweet, I’ll give you a pity point because of Julie.” “Pity point? I don’t need it. I’m going to beat you fair and square,” I said confidently. And with that, a fish grabbed onto my line. I felt a surge of excitement as I pulled it up, but kept that feeling off my face. “Four-nothing,” I said as evenly as I could.
“Six-six!” I whooped, as I finally tied the score. “Still want to count mine double?” I asked. Heather scrunched her face up, but said nothing. She couldn’t quite hide the smile, though. I was on my best behavior, avoiding anything that she could call a penalty, and it had paid off. I peered in her bucket dramatically. “What time do you have to go to work?” I asked pointedly. “I’m not working today. Day off.” “Oh, that’s nice.” “Yeah. It is getting hot though,” she said. “I have to admit, I’m surprised you’re back in it.” I looked at her with a grin. “You want to come have breakfast at my house?” I asked suddenly, before thinking. Heather’s eyes narrowed as she considered my words. “I mean, you don’t have much in there,” I said quickly, gesturing to her bucket with my foot. “I can share some of my fish. My school of fish,” I added. Heather laughed. “You are funny, Matt.” “Well?” She considered a moment longer. “Okay.” I almost jumped in the air, but I managed to keep it to just a nod. “Cool. We should go and get the grill on then.” I pulled my line in, and started unhooking the leader when Heather spoke quietly. “Hey, Matt, look.” I turned, and she pointed down to the water. I didn’t see anything, but then she pulled up on her line slowly. I laughed as the catch broke the surface. Not one, but two fish were on her line. “Hmm, I wonder how much that’s worth,” she said speculatively. I groaned. The ref was back. “Three,” I said quickly, trying to stave off any thoughts of a higher number. “Three? Alright, thanks!” So much for putting up resistance, I thought. I just gave her a free point. Though it wasn’t every day your treble hook caught two fish. “Nine-six,” I said, the euphoria of having tied her lessening somewhat. “Hey, at least you’re in the black,” she said. “How far away do you live?” “Not far,” I said. “Alright, I’ll bring my stuff with me instead of dropping it off at home.” I suddenly got really nervous. Heather was coming to eat at my house! In front of my family, which she didn’t know much about. I had to at least fill her in. I had no idea what everyone else was going to think. Hopefully they wouldn’t ask anything about Julie. “Is this okay, coming to eat with me?” I said, leaving the obvious question unspoken. “Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?” “Just checking.” She gave me a warm smile as she picked up her stuff. “Lead the way.” “There’s something I should tell you,” I said, as we set off down the pier. “Go for it.” “My family is a bit… different.” “So is everyone’s,” she said, unperturbed. “Yeah, I know, but my parents are… they have…” “I met your Mom, remember?” she interrupted. “She seemed really nice.” “Yeah, well… That wasn’t really my Mom.” Heather looked at me with a frown. “That’s my sister’s Mom, Melissa. My Mom is Sarah. You’ll meet her now, too.” I glanced at Heather and could tell that she was figuring it out. “So are you and your sister related?” “Yeah, we have the same father.” “What’s his name?” “Chris. But he actually, uh, died when we were young.” “Oh, I’m sorry, that’s really terrible.” I had heard people say those words to me many times. But rarely with real feeling like Heather just had. I was once again surprised by my friend. “So I vaguely remember you saying something once about you and – what’s your sister’s name? “Lara.” “Something about you and Lara being the same age.” “Yeah, we’re six days apart.” “Who’s older?” she asked. “She is.” I could tell she was still trying to fill in the gaps. “You’re wondering how my Moms ended up together?” I said. “I guess. Did they know about each other when you were born?” she asked delicately. “Yeah. My Dad and Moms all lived together for a long time before they had Lara and me. They probably still would if he hadn’t died.” “Wow. That is different. But cool! Is it weird to live with two mothers?” “Is it weird to live with a mother and father?” Heather laughed a little. “Alright, true, it’s what you know. Do they treat you as their own? Sorry, this is getting too personal,” she suddenly said. I didn’t mind telling her at all. “No it’s fine. They raised us as if we were both their own. I didn’t know which was my real mother until I was old enough to know what that meant. In fact, I think I’m closer with Lara’s Mom now, and vice-versa.” “I’m sure there were awkward moments when you were younger.” “Yeah, and there still are. Not everyone thinks my parents do the right thing.” “Mmm. So whose house are we going to?” “My aunt and uncle’s. We come here in the summer, and they come up in the winter – hey, did you go skiing at Windham last January?” I asked excitedly. I suddenly remembered the incident on the chairlift. “Was I skiing at Windham then?” she echoed, thinking for a moment. “Uh, yeah, I think I was there in January, why?” “I saw you!” “You saw me?!” Heather stopped walking and stared at me. “Where? Why didn’t you come say hi?” “I was on the chairlift. You skied under me. Were you wearing a blue…no, a green jacket and blue pants?” “Yeah, that’s what I ski in!” she exclaimed. “I tried to find you after that, but it was impossible.” “Yeah, that place is a zoo. That sucks! I was keeping an eye out for you too.” “Really?” “Yeah, you had said you skied there, so…” she shrugged. “How often do you go up?” “A few times a year. Usually we go up during winter break for a week, and then a few other times too. My dad is a skiing freak.” “Really?” “Oh yeah, he always says he wants to move up to the mountains whenever we’re there.” I felt a twinge of excitement. “Why doesn’t he?” “His work is here,” Heather said simply. “Is your Dad called Angus?” “Yeah, how did you know?” “I went to the store lest week to ask about you, and they mentioned his name.” Heather smiled at me. “Where do you stay?” I asked, as we started walking the beach again. “Stay?” “When you ski.” “We rent a house somewhere. Different places.” “If you ever need a place to stay, your family is welcome at my house. We have a guest cabin.” As I said those words, I felt my nerves leap up again. Was I being too forward? She had a boyfriend. “Thanks, Matt, that’s really sweet.” “Do you have brothers or sisters?” “No, it’s just me.” “There’s two rooms in the cabin, bathroom, kitchen… it’s nice. We’re only about fifteen minutes from the slopes.” “You are so lucky.” “Why?” “I’d kill to live in the woods. I like the ocean well enough, but there’s nothing like being in the woods. A stream running through the trees… Do you fly fish?” “Yeah, definitely.” “I’ve always wanted to learn.” “Well, if you ever come up in the spring or fall, I can show you. I’m not that great at it, but it’s really relaxing.” “I bet. It must be way cooler than catching this little stuff on the pier.” “That’s pretty fun too,” I said. I left off ‘when you’re around.’ Heather laughed a little, and I wondered if she had read my thoughts anyway. “There’s the house,” I said, pointing. We angled up the beach. I could hear animated voices on the porch, and laughing. Man, those three women could talk forever, I thought to myself. Maybe they wouldn’t even notice Heather and me entering the house. I walked up the steps and Heather followed. I was a little apprehensive as I went in and waved Heather through into the porch. “Hey. This is my friend Heather, and this is Melissa, Sarah, and my Aunt Beth.” General greetings went around. “You work at Martin’s,” Melissa said. I was a little surprised that she had remembered her. “Yeah, I remember you and Matt coming in last year,” Heather answered. I decided that was enough face time with my parents and aunt. “Where’s Lara?” I asked. “Sleeping.” “We’re going to grill up these fish for breakfast. Anyone want some?” They had just eaten, so they declined. “Probably better that way, Matt didn’t have much luck today,” Heather said straight-faced. I looked at her with a mock grimace and shook my head. “C’mon, let’s go.” We went around the side of the house to the grill. I got the fire going and we laid the fish into the wire rack. “Want something to drink?” “What do you have?” “Uh, I don’t know, actually.” “Well, why did you ask then?” Heather said, eyes twinkling. I shrugged and smiled. “Let’s go see,” she said. We went through the porch. The women looked at us, but nothing was said. I could see a grin hiding on the edges of Melissa’s mouth. “Looks like lemonade, iced tea, water… Beer. And some weird herb tea that my aunt makes. I don’t recommend it though, it’s pretty nasty.” “Nasty?” came the call from the other room. I put a finger in my mouth and made a face. Heather laughed. “I’ll have some lemonade, then.” I served up two glasses just as Lara came out into the kitchen, yawning and wiping the sleep from her eyes. Her hair was askance and her eyes were still half-shut. “Hey guys,” she said groggily. She didn’t register Heather for a moment, perhaps expecting Julie. Then she saw her. “Oh, hi! You must be Heather.” “Yeah. And you’re Lara?” “That’s me.” Lara looked at me. “We’re having some fish, want some?” I asked, ignoring her silent questions. “Sure. Once I wake up. Sorry,” she said to Heather, “I just rolled out of bed and probably look like shit.” Heather just smiled. “I’ll be out in a minute, let me get some clothes on.” Lara went off into her room. “Whose camera?” Heather asked, eyeing the camera I’d left out on the counter. “Oh, that was my dad’s. I’m messing around with it.” “That’s cool. Do you do much photography?” “Not really, I just started this summer. Taking some random pictures, trying to figure out how the thing even works.” “Yeah, manual cameras are fun.” “Do you know how to use one?” “Yeah, in art class at school I did a photography project. The camera was an old Canon manual, pretty much the same as that Nikon, probably. I learned a lot. You really appreciate old pictures more after you learn to use these things. You have to work hard to get a good picture on them.” “I haven’t even developed a roll yet, so I don’t even know if anything even came out.” “What film are you using?” “Film? I don’t know, just the regular Kodak from the drugstore.” “I can show you some stuff later if you want. I mean, you might know more than me by now, but...” “Doubt it. I'd appreciate any tips. We better peek on the fire,” I said, catching the aroma of smoke. We went out and sat by the grill, waiting for the flames to burn down. Lara came out pretty quickly. After a few minutes, I had to smile. Somehow Heather’s breakfast with me had turned into Heather’s breakfast with Lara. They hit it off instantly, and started talking about whatever it is that girls talk about. They moved so easily from this topic to that, like they had all the world in common. It was talent, or instinct, and I wished I knew how to do that. When they started referring to me like I wasn’t there, I cleared my throat. They looked at me. “I’m actually still sitting here,” I said petulantly. “Oh, we know.” And with that Heather went on to describe how she was beating me in our fishing competition. I just sighed and turned the fish over on the grill. A movement caught my eye, up on the road. I turned and saw Julie walking toward the front of the house. She looked down the grassy stretch where we were sitting, and saw the three of us. Lara and Heather were facing the beach, so they didn’t see Julie, but she definitely saw them, because she froze for a moment, looked at me, and then turned and went back to the road. As I tried to control my pounding heart, I considered going after her. But why had she come? To tell me off? No, then she would have done so, Heather’s presence giving her even more firepower. She must have come to try and make up with me. I knew I couldn’t go there. Not now, not after seeing the desperation in her eyes the night before. Lara had been right: being Julie’s friend was hard. Being her boyfriend was even harder. And leaving her was hardest of all.
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