Looking Through the Lens By Ryan Sylander Online at: http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/ryansylander/www/ http://storiesonline.net/auth/Ryan_Sylander http://www.ewpub.org/scripts2/libraryframes.php?auth=6347 Chapter 9 The rollercoaster emerged from the dark tunnel and started to climb up towards the next peak. Lara shrieked and tightened her death grip on my arm as we swept up and around a jarring curve. My head bounced back and forth between the headpads, and I wondered why we rode these things. We actually paid money to get thrown around by a crazy machine! When the ride finally ended, I felt like I had been put in a clothes dryer. Lara had a large grin as we walked down the exit ramp. She grabbed my hand, pulling me around the fencing towards the end of the long snake of people waiting to get on. “No, no way, I’m not going again,” I said. “Why not, that was awesome!” “I’m not waiting on line for an hour just to get beat up for one or two minutes. Besides, I feel a little uneasy right now.” Lara pouted. “Go ahead,” I said, “I’ll wait here for you.” “No, that will take too long.” “Tell you what, I’ll go look for my stomach, and then I’ll come back and meet you here. In like half an hour or so.” Lara considered, and then got into the line. “Alright, see you later. Don’t ditch me, alright?” I went and got a Pepsi from a nearby food stand. I sat at a picnic table and sipped the drink, trying to feel like I was on the ground again. My stomach was definitely out of sorts. We were here on a Recreational Department trip; the town organized a few trips a year to amusement parks, or ski resorts (out of the Catskills), and then high school kids could sign up and go for a reasonable fee. Ray, a thirty-something camp counselor type guy, was the chaperone, and he generally left us alone after cracking a few stupid jokes on the first part of the ride. This was the first one I went on, and it had been fun. It was nice to go somewhere without parents to report to every few hours. Ray just wanted us at the exit by four o’clock. Every school in the tri-state area must have scheduled their trip to Great Adventure this same weekend: the place was mobbed with teenagers. If you didn’t have a meeting time planned, the chances of finding someone that you split up with were zero. “Hi, Matt.” I looked up, and was surprised to see Carmen. Well, maybe not zero, I thought to myself. She was one of the few freshmen besides Lara and me who had come on the trip. I noticed her two friends were sitting over on the edge of a large fountain, and trying to pretend they weren’t watching us. I had been somewhat worrying over Carmen since my talk with Lara. She was on my mental list of people to speak to and work things out with, since I felt bad about how I had treated her. But I didn’t know what to say; I couldn’t just go up to her, ‘Sorry for being a dick and screwing you and taking your virginity when you were drunk.’ But I had to say something to her. A few times I had actually approached her, and we’d had a surprisingly friendly chat. It never seemed the right moment for serious talk, though. Maybe now was the time to apologize and restore some dignity. I had a half hour. I took a deep breath an mustered up some courage. “Hey.” That was the best I could manage. I took a long sip of my drink, and looked around at the crowd. “Can I sit?” she asked. “Sure.” I gestured vaguely at the bench across the table. “Where’s Lara?” She came around and sat next to me, closer than I thought was necessary. “On the coaster. I didn’t think I could handle another ride yet.” “Yeah, we went on it a few times this morning. But the line is crazy now.” There was an awkward silence. Then we both spoke at once. “Listen…” “Can I…” We stopped and looked at each other. “Sorry, go ahead,” she said. “No, you first.” I wasn’t sure what was even going to come out of my mouth. I had only formed the first few words of a sentence, and hoped that the rest would come. Her interruption was merciful. “I was going to say that you seem to be different these last few weeks.” “How so?” I asked carefully. “I don’t know, more relaxed.” “I guess. School’s almost over.” “Yeah, that’s cool. Just some finals in a few weeks, and we’re done.” “Yeah.” She fidgeted for a moment, looking at her distant friends, perhaps for some support. They were still watching. “I miss hanging out with you,” she said. I felt my stomach twist, even though I wasn’t on the rollercoaster anymore. I hoped that she wasn’t wanting to get back together. I didn’t want to do that, but I did want to make peace with her. “Yeah, it’s been a while,” I said. I was determined not to let her get a handhold, so I spoke again when I saw her start to talk. It was time to drag that night out onto the table. “I was going to say, earlier, that I feel bad about what happened a few months ago, you know?” “Matt, don’t feel bad,” she said, placing a hand on mine. “I mean, if you didn’t mean to do it, I understand.” “I guess I just want to apologize, also for never talking to you about it.” “Well, that’s kind of what breaking up means, right?” she said, laughing a little. “Yeah, I guess. But I still could have talked to you about it.” “Well, you can take it back if you want,” she said shyly. Take it back? What was she talking about? “Um, you can’t really take something like that back,” I said with a frown. “Well, if you say you’re sorry about it, we’ll just pretend it never happened.” She smiled at me sweetly. I thought for a moment. Maybe denial was her way of dealing with it. I wasn’t sure if that was too healthy, but I didn’t really want to argue with her since I didn’t have a better suggestion. “Um… I guess we can do that. If you feel comfortable with that. I am really sorry. I mean, I was a real asshole. I didn’t really consider how you’d feel. So, yeah, I am sorry. You just want to pretend it never happened though?” “Yeah, let’s just forget about that bad time,” she said, holding my arm. I looked at her hand, curled around my forearm. Something was wrong here; she seemed really happy. Then again, maybe this had been weighing on her too, and having some closure was a huge relief. “Alright, let’s forget about it.” “So are you meeting Lara soon, or do you want to go on a ride?” she asked. “Um, I’m actually meeting her in about twenty minutes.” “C’mon, we’ll be back by then.” Carmen stood and pulled me up. “Where are we going?” I asked. “Just to that ride there,” she pointed. We got on a short line for an old ride. Neither of us spoke until we got on. It was a floating boat that went through a house and there were strange mirrors and mildly scary scenes in different rooms. “So does this go over a waterfall at the end, or what’s the point?” I asked as we moved slowly along the channel. “I just thought it would be fun,” she said, as she put her hand on mine. What the fuck was going on here? As we went through a few rooms, I wondered if Carmen had gone crazy. This was the worst ride ever! As we went through a very dark tunnel, something loomed up right in front of me. I ducked back into my seat, startled. Before I could think, someone was on top of me. It was Carmen, I realized suddenly, as the person kissed me aggressively. I struggled to push her off. “What are you doing!?” “I, I just thought, you know, that, since…” she stammered. I was speechless. So just because we decided to forget we ever had sex, now she wanted to try again in this boat? She was frozen in place, sitting lightly on my knee, with a hand on my shoulder and a knee between my thighs. My mouth moved soundlessly, as I tried to imagine what could possibly be the reason for my being in this situation. “Um, what are you doing?” I finally asked again. “I’m sorry, Matt, I didn’t mean to rush things.” Rush things? We weren’t going anywhere! I thought I had made that clear when I broke up with her. “Am I missing something here?” I asked. “What do you mean? I thought that since things were going back to how they were, it would be okay to kiss you.” “Um, going back to how they were?” I asked. Something was definitely wrong. My head was spinning in confusion. “I thought you just said a few minutes ago that we could forget about what happened. I told you that you could take back breaking up with me if you wanted.” “What?!” “Hello, Matt, were you not just talking to me outside? We had a talk on the picnic table?” Oh shit, I thought. “You were talking about when I broke up with you?” “What?” “When you said take it back, you meant the breaking up part?” “Well, yeah? What were you talking about?” Oh shit. The ride suddenly ended as we burst into the bright loading area. Some kids pointed and laughed as they saw Carmen quickly climbing off of me. We collected ourselves and scrambled out of the boat, away from the stupid crowd watching us with stupid grins. I walked around to the side of the ride, feeling ill. My stomach was really uneasy now. Carmen followed behind me. I sat on a concrete block, and cradled my head in my hands. “Matt, are you okay?” I ignored her. Nothing was ever easy! Carmen could have been more clear about what she was talking about. Now I felt like an idiot for thinking she was talking about the sex, and to top it off, now I had to break up with her again! If there was ever an award for being an accidental asshole, I’d win it for sure. “Matt?” “Just give me a moment.” I stabbed wildly for something to tell Carmen. If I hadn’t been talking about the breaking up, then what? If I told her I thought she had meant the sex, how insensitive would that be? But what else could I say? I finally stood up, avoiding her eyes. “Carmen, look. I think you must have heard me wrong. I didn’t say things were going to go back to how they were before.” “But you said…” “I know what I said. I didn’t really know what you meant though. All I wanted was to say I am sorry for the way I treated you. But I didn’t… I’m not looking to be with anyone right now.” “You said we could go back to how things were.” She looked on the verge of tears. “I don’t think I said that. Maybe you said that. I don’t remember. I still would like to be friends though,” I added, trying to soften the conversation. It didn’t work. “You’re such a dick. I don’t even want to be friends with you.” Carmen ran off before I could reply. I didn’t follow her, only watched as she melted into the happy crowd. I sat down again, and tried to fight off the urge to throw up. *** After some time, I remembered Lara, so I ran over to the rollercoaster exit. She was nowhere to be seen. It was about 45 minutes since she had gotten on line. She probably was walking around looking for me. Or maybe she thought I ditched her and she went on again. I started looking around anxiously, wading through throngs of people. I hoped that I hadn’t missed her. I was worried that I would run into Carmen, too, and to top it off I was still feeling crappy in the stomach. After ten minutes, I went back to the coaster exit, resigned to the fact that I would be spending the rest of the afternoon alone. Lara still wasn’t there. I decided to wait a little longer before wandering. Luckily some people moved and I snagged a bench, or I probably would have fainted. The last week had been satisfying. I had worked things out with my mothers, without having to divulge anything I didn’t want them to know. I had to admire their trust, considering how long I had been out of sorts. But they mostly wanted Lara and I to have a healthy relationship with each other, and the details they left up to us. Nothing much changed with my friends, we still hiked and hung out, generally acting as boys our age do. I didn’t talk about my problems with them, and they didn’t really ask. I wasn’t grounded anymore, so I was also playing music with the guys. I had gotten pretty rusty from a few months of not touching the guitar, but it was fun to jam again. I didn’t go to any parties, however, in an effort to stay in control of my life. I vowed to take things slow. Lara and I had talked more as well. I told her about my time with Carmen, all of which happened when we weren’t speaking to each other. She told me about her ex- boyfriend, the junior jock whom I didn’t like. She didn’t really like him either, it turned out. She had gotten out of the relationship because he was an asshole when they were alone. I told her that he was an asshole at school too, but she said that sometimes guys were different when they’re not in front of their friends. But apparently he wasn’t different. She was glad that they had never had sex, although he was pushing for that. I cringed when I thought of how I had pushed Carmen for sex, and I had actually gotten it. Did that make me more of an asshole than Lara’s ex-boyfriend, whom I hated? I didn’t really want to go there. So it seemed like everything was slowly getting back to normal. And then I went and fucked things up with Carmen. In order to get rid of that hollow feeling that still lived inside me, she was the last piece of the broken vase I had to glue back together. Oh, except for the giant hole that was Julie. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen with her. Up until I found Heather’s note, I was ready to argue strongly against going to Montauk this summer. I thought I had at least a chance of convincing my parents not to take us there. I didn’t want to have to see Julie, and maybe they would understand and invite my aunt and uncle up to our house instead. But after the camping trip discovery, I had different feelings. I wanted to go back, so I could maybe see Heather again, and tell her that I had never seen her note until long after. Or maybe pretend I never saw it at all. And then what? I wasn’t sure, but I longed to hang out with her. Who knew what might happen this time? A few days after we got back from the camping trip, I had even called information and gotten the phone number for Martin’s, her family’s fish shop. But I couldn’t roust up the courage to call. She probably had forgotten me, and I hated calling people I didn’t know and trying to explain who I was. Inevitably, I felt like a total idiot, cringing as the person on the other end of the line tells me they have no idea who is talking to them. No, if I ever spoke to her again, it would have to be in person. So the urge to go to Montauk was back. Besides, I probably wouldn’t have to see Julie. I wasn’t sure if Lara would want to see her, but I was pretty sure Lara would be respectful of not inviting Julie over when I was there, if I asked her not too. “Are you ready, Matt!?” I turned, and saw Lara coming down the walkway towards me. I breathed a sigh of relief. “Are you feeling alright?” she asked. “You look green.” I moved over and patted the bench corner. Lara squeezed onto it. “Ran into Carmen,” I said. “Oh. Did you talk?” “Yeah. Everything’s fucked up.” “Why?” I summarized the conversation I had with Carmen and the subsequent haunted house attack. “So she thought you wanted to get back together with her?” Lara asked. “Apparently.” “Did you agree to that?” “Well, no, but… I didn’t know we were talking about that, I thought I was apologizing for the night we had sex. So I don’t know what I agreed to, when you look at it from her perspective. For all I know I owe her money, too!” “She’s so weird. Let me talk to her.” “No, you don’t have to.” “It’s fine, she needs some perspective adjustment.” “Lara…” “Matt, let me do this for you.” She seemed pretty set on it. “Alright, just don’t tell her I was talking about the sex. I mean, it seems really asshole-ish now.” “Matt, don’t worry, I’ll handle it.” “Thanks.” “C’mon, let’s get wet.” Lara pulled me up and we spent the rest of the day enjoying the water rides. Her enthusiasm for excitement was contagious, and I ended up mostly forgetting about the run-in with Carmen. *** Lara sat with Carmen for part of the four hour ride back home. Somehow Lara managed to placate her. I didn’t know how, and she didn’t really say specifically. I decided not to press her, since she had done me the favor. I owed Lara big time, again. Carmen even came up to me at school the next day and apologized for the park ride incident. I brushed her apology aside and told her that it was my fault for being vague. The conversation quickly turned into a self-blame exercise, so finally I just suggested we forget about the amusement park episode and be friends, and we both agreed to start fresh from there. Finals approached, and mostly I studied. I had had my best year at school ever, oddly, and I was determined to finish on a high note. Apart from a few band rehearsals, I spent those last weeks of school reading and preparing for the tests. *** One day after school, Melissa announced that we were going out to eat. She also said that we had some family business to talk about. I was a little nervous, wondering what that could mean. “What do you think tonight is about,” I asked Lara as we walked back to the house from taking the trash out to the end of the long driveway. “I don’t know. Probably something about this summer.” “Mmm. Do you know where we’re eating?” “Probably the Red Sand,” she answered. “Figures.” The Red Sand Café was my parents’ favorite place to eat. “Well, it’s their kind of place.” “What do you mean?” Lara just looked at me with a smile. “You need to be more observant.” “What?” “Nothing.” Lara went inside, smiling to herself. *** When we got to the Red Sand, I decided to be more observant. Everything was normal for a restaurant. I looked around for a while, wondering what Lara meant, but the only thing I could think of was that the food was good, and my Moms liked to eat good food, Melissa being a chef. “So, Matt. Lara. Do you want to go to Montauk this summer?” Melissa asked after we had ordered. Lara just looked at me. So did Sarah and Melissa. Obviously the question was mostly for me. “Sure,” I said. My mothers looked at me in surprise for an instant, then at each other, and then recovered. “Okay, then! That was easy,” Sarah said. Obviously they were expecting a different answer. “Why wouldn’t we go?” I asked innocently. Melissa gave me a small smile and nodded. I had the impression that she suddenly saw me as a little older. “Alright, next item. Do we want to host a brother and sister from Ireland here at our house next year?” Sarah and Melissa looked at Lara and me. Lara and I looked at each other with questioning looks. What did this even mean? “For the whole year?” asked Lara. “No, for the springtime. It’s an exchange program, and they would be here for the second half of the year.” “In school with us?” I asked. “Yes, they are twins, and they would go to classes with you.” Lara and I just looked at each other. It sounded fun to me, as long as they were cool. The second half of the school year could be long if they turned out to be annoying, though. Lara shrugged at me. “I guess it’s alright with me,” I said. “Well, think about it,” Sarah said, “you don’t have to answer right now.” I was watching a waitress when something caught my eye. She was wearing a black tank top and ankle length black skirt. On first glance she seemed fairly normal, like she could be any of my friends’ mothers. But when she turned away from the table she had just left some food at, her skirt twirled up and I noticed a large tattoo printed on her right leg. It snaked up and under her skirt. It was somewhat shocking: looking at her, I would not have guessed that she would have a large tattoo. “Do you know anything about them?” Lara asked. “Let’s see, they both play music, and… they would like to learn to ski, and…” Melissa looked at Sarah with a pursed lips. “Her name is Muireann, and his name is Tommy,” Sarah added. I turned my attention back to the conversation. Muireann. Sounded exotic. Maybe having a girl my age around wouldn’t be so bad. “When would they come?” Lara asked. “Right after holiday break, and they would stay until May.” “I think it would be fun,” Lara said. “Me too,” I added. *** “So, what about these kids coming?” I said to Lara as we walked through the woods towards the stream behind our house. “Yeah, that will be interesting! I can’t wait.” Lara was in a playful mood. “Hope they are cool,” I said. “I hope they’re hot, too,” Lara said with a giggle. I almost said ‘Tommy?’ but then remembered that I would not be the only one in the house possibly interested in Muireann. I felt slightly strange at that thought. Then again, it wasn’t even decided that they were coming yet. “Jumping the gun, aren’t we?” I asked as we reached the stream. We took off our shoes and socks. “Well, you know, who knows what can happen?” Lara said as she took off her shirt and bra. “I’d move to Ireland. It’s beautiful there.” “Move to Ireland, yeah,” I laughed. I peeled my pants and underwear off, and then pulled my shirt off. “That’ll happen for sure.” “Well, you never know when you’ll meet the person of your dreams.” “Ohh-kay, Lara.” “Well, you don’t! I’m just saying.” We walked into the stream and sat in the pool next to each other. The water was refreshing, although still slightly chilly from the mountain feeds. After we floated there in peace for a while, I decided to push the edges of our boundaries a little. “So who will it be?” “What?” Lara asked absently. “Which one will be the person of your dreams? Muireann, or Tommy?” Lara looked at me strangely for a moment. “Matt, I don’t even know them, how am I supposed to answer that?” “I don’t know, just asking,” I said. “Are you worried I’m going to steal Muireann from you?” she teased. “Steal her from me? C’mon, they’re not even coming for sure yet.” “And yet you already have me deciding which is the person of my dreams!” “Well, I just meant…I don’t know.” “Oh,” Lara said with a grin, “I see. Muireann or Tommy, male or female.” “Actually it’s the other way around, Muireann is the girl.” “Yeah, don’t be a smart ass.” “Well?” I pressed. “Well what?” “Which one?” “Matt, are you asking me if I think that my soul mate will be female or male?” “Sure.” “Well, it could just as easily be either.” “So there’s no difference for you?” “No, it just depends on the person, not on their sex.” “So being with Julie wasn’t just a novelty?” “Novelty? Not sure what you mean.” “I guess I’m asking if you really prefer to be with guys, or girls, and the other is just a…I don’t know, side project.” Lara laughed. “Jeez, you make me sound like such a slut!” “No! That’s not what I meant. I just wonder if one is stronger than the other. Like I know I’m definitely not into guys, so I’m pretty sure my soul mate will be female. And by pretty sure, I mean like a hundred percent sure.” “Well, it’s not really like that for me. I don’t have a lot of experience. I’ve only been with Julie and James, and both were different, but I can’t say that I know that I’ll end up one way or the other.” Lara was thoughtful for a moment. “Besides,” she suddenly said, “Look at our Moms. They loved each other and Dad. They really had something special, I think. I mean, they somehow managed to have us too. So I think I may end up more like them.” “That’s cool.” After some silence, Lara spoke again. “You’re wondering if I would go for Muireann, because you want her for yourself,” Lara said, with an evil grin. “God, Lara, for all I know she could be annoying and ugly.” Lara looked me in the eye mischievously. “Yeah, but what if she’s sweet and gorgeous, with beautiful red hair and smooth pale skin.” I felt a dangerous twitch in my groin as I pictured Lara’s description of Muireann. My penis was growing despite the cold water and negative thoughts I was sending its way. I panicked some as I realized I was getting hard, and Lara was sitting right next to me. We were submerged up to our shoulders, but there wasn’t much wind on the pool that day, so if she looked hard enough she would notice. Ever since we were small, we often bathed nude in our stream, and nudity wasn’t an issue between us. But an erection had certainly never, well, come up. “Maybe so, but they’re not even definitely coming yet,” I said, somewhat lamely. “I know, just teasing you.” I tried to position my legs to cover myself, but I needed them down to keep me from floating downstream. Finally my penis started to relax again. “I wouldn’t go for her if you said you were interested,” Lara said simply. “Are these the kind of deals you make with your girlfriends?” I asked. “Sometimes. Is it weird?” “What?” “That we can want the same person?” “I don’t know. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about it, but it’s not weird weird. Just different weird, like it’s something I don’t expect at first, when it comes up.” We sat in silence, absorbing minerals from the mountains that the stream swept past us. “What do you think it was like for our parents, back when they were together?” Lara asked. “What do you mean?” “Like, do you think they were together as couples, or all together at the same time?” “You mean sex-wise? I don’t know, I don’t even want to imagine that.” “Why not, it’s not a big deal.” “It makes me feel weird.” “Why?” “I don’t know. I start picturing things, and, you know, it’s our parents!” “So, they do the same things everyone else does.” Lara seemed like she wasn’t bothered by the idea at all. “I know, but it’s still weird. See, now that’s weird weird,” I said. “I don’t see how talking with your sister about having sex is not weird, but it is weird when it’s about our Moms?” I didn’t have an answer. Lara’s observation suddenly made me more self-conscious of talking about sex with her, rather than less worried about talking about our parents. “I guess I don’t picture you having sex either. It’s detached,” I said. “So you haven’t pictured me?” “No, not really. That’s kind of weird too.” Lara just watched me. “Do you picture me?” I asked suddenly, with a grimace. “Sometimes. I know pretty well what Julie looks like nude, and I know very well what you look like nude, so it’s not too hard to put one on top of the other.” “Lara! That’s…that’s nasty!” But then why was my penis going up again, I wondered to myself. “No, it’s not. It’s just what happens. See, watch, I’ll do it right now.” Lara closed her eyes, and turned her face up to the sky. For a few moments she did nothing. Then she started making low moaning noises. “Oh, Matt, yes…!” she said in a high voice. “Julie, that’s so good!” she said gruffly. “Don’t stop Matt, oh, oh…” I splashed her with a huge jet of water, and she sputtered around for second, clearing her eyes. “Lara, quit it, that’s gross!” Lara just looked at me for a moment, and then started laughing. “You can’t stop me Matt. I can picture you anytime I want. Doing it right now, actually. Oh look, there’s Matt, on top of Julie! Tee hee!” I felt very self-conscious, and wanted to get out of the pool, but I had a definite erection, so that was not an option. “Lara, I’m serious, please stop.” Lara sensed the tone in my voice and immediately stopped her tease. “Sorry, Matt, I thought it was funny. That wasn’t nice, especially since it involved Julie.” I shrugged. “It’s not that.” “What then?” “I don’t know, it’s just weird to see you imagining me naked.” “Why? I look at you, I know what you look like. Don’t you ever imagine me naked?” “No, I don’t really. I don’t watch you when you’re nude in front of me, and I don’t picture you in the nude. Man, this conversation is definitely weird weird now!” I moved around uncomfortably in the pool, putting a little distance between us. “Matt, relax. You need to chill out. Here, I’ll do you a favor.” Lara stood up and climbed up onto shore. I sat frozen in the water, looking away from Lara. “Matt, look at me.” “Lara, what the hell are you doing?” I avoided looking at her, though I could tell she was standing on the rock facing me. “Matt, look at me.” I finally turned up to her. I looked her in the face for a moment before turning away again, shielding her form from me with a hand. “It’s just me,” she said. “You’ve seen me nude. Why is this a problem?” “You’re my sister. This is wrong!” “We’re not doing anything wrong, Matt. Are you worried that you will find me attractive? That I’ll turn you on?” Her words tingled me like icicles. What was she doing? How did we even get to this place in the conversation? She was ripping through taboo barriers which I thought were unbreakable. “Look, Matt, I’m not trying to scare you,” she said softly. “Well, you sure are scaring the shit out of me.” I heard a splash of water next to me, and I peeked out and saw that she was back underwater again. I relaxed a little, though I was still wary. “I just was trying to show you that seeing me naked is not a big deal.” “Well, it wasn’t until now!” We sat quietly for a while. I avoided looking at Lara. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” I shrugged. “It’s just weird when your sister wants you to look at her naked.” “If you say so, then I’ll go with that. I still don’t see the big deal. It’s not like we're having sex or anything. That would be weird weird.” “Aw, Lara, c’mon, quit it!” I looked at her. She was laughing. “What now?” I asked. I wasn’t mad at her, just feeling strange. “Nothing, you’re just funny.” “Are you picturing me nude again?” I asked suddenly. “No! I swear to god, I’m not.” She watched me for a little while longer. “You’re afraid of the I-word.” “I-word?” I asked. “Yeah.” I knew what she meant. “Well, you know, why shouldn’t I be? That’s weird shit!” “Yeah, I know. I’m not coming on to you or anything, Matt. I just thought you would be open-minded talking about something like this.” I sat quietly for a moment, considering the maelstrom of thoughts in my head. Once again, I was probably being overly dramatic. What was the big deal anyways? It was, after all, just my sister. “Alright, fine,” I said, “it’s not a big deal. I have pictured you with Julie a few times, although not during my finest moments, but so be it. It’s just a little freaky to, to… to see you act like… I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I guess when you hear about stuff like that, it’s what mountain people do.” “We are mountain people, Matt.” “See, right there. It’s like you’re saying it’s okay! That’s what’s weird.” “I’m just teasing you. Like I said, seriously, I’m not coming on to you or suggesting anything of the sort.” “Okay, that’s good to hear,” I said, with some relief. “I just don’t see that if I picture you naked with someone, that it’s a big deal.” “Okay, that’s fine too.” I wasn’t totally sold on that, but I didn’t want to argue it again. “Are we alright?” “Yeah,” I nodded. “Let’s go eat then, it’s getting late.” Lara climbed out and dried off with her towel. I avoided looking at her as I got out and dried off as well. I was suddenly conscious of my nudity as I never had been before. “Matt, I know this was probably an awkward conversation. I’m sorry.” “I’m alright,” I said. I looked at her. She was standing naked, holding her clothes in her hands. She watched me watch her. “I guess it’s not a big deal, really.” I said, glancing at her body. I wasn’t aroused like I feared I would be, even though Lara was clearly very nice to look at. She had really become a good looking young woman. “Just boobs, a vagina, you know, the usual girl parts,” she said, bending over to put on her underwear. “Yeah.” I put on my clothes as well. “I don’t care if you look at me,” Lara said. “I look at you. It’s interesting.” “Interesting?” “Yeah. What is it like to have that thing dangling around all day?” “I don’t know any different,” I said. “True,” she said. She stood and looked at me with a grin. “Not so bad, is it?” “No, I guess not.” “C’mon, time to hit the sack,” she said with a wink. “Lara…” I warned. “Lighten up, it’ll just be our private joke. I’m just kidding around with you.” I sighed. “All right, but not in front of anyone else, alright?” “Hey, did you notice anything last night?” Lara asked suddenly. “At the Red Sand?” “Yeah?” “I don’t know. Do all the waitresses have tattoos?” I asked. Lara laughed hard for a few moments. “Oh Matt. You’re funny.” “What?! One of them did.” “Didn’t you look at the people who were eating there?” I cast about in my memory if the diners. “Seemed normal to me.” “Some of the people who go there are gay or bisexual.” “What? How do you know?” “Just look at the people who sit together.” “So what, just because two women are eating out together, that makes them lesbians?” “If they're eating each other out, then I’d say they definitely are lesbians,” she said mischievously. “Funny. You know what I meant, if two women are having dinner together, that doesn’t mean anything.” “No, but you can just tell.” I shrugged. “I just don’t see that.” Lara frowned. “Hmm, I guess maybe you’re not in tune with that then.” “I guess not.” “Well, check it out next time.” Lara ran off towards the house. “Last one there does dishes tonight!” she yelled over her shoulder. I cursed and made chase, but she was too far ahead. When I got up on the deck, she was already sitting in a chair. Looked like I was doing dishes. “You’re slow,” she said, getting up and opening the front door. I ignored her. She closed the door suddenly and looked at me with a mischievous grin. “So you said that you imagined Julie and I together?” she asked. I rolled my eyes. “Yes, Lara, when you told me about the two of you, I had… visions, yes. I admit it.” Lara leaned in close to me. “Did you ever…” She paused, smiling shyly, though I could see the defiance deep in her eyes. “Ever what?” I asked, wondering what she was up to. “Did you ever imagine Julie with me, and…with you?” Lara giggled and went inside, leaving me standing with my mouth open.