A Question and Answer

I have received a lot of excellent feedback about this topic. I thought I'd post some of the more interesting questions/discussions and my answers.

--- D A wrote:

Hello,

Thanks for such detailed and thorough work. Very convincing.

Two questions come to mind, which I imagine you've gotten into already:

All that you wrote about seems clear and solid based on our species as a whole. What about the possibility that different humans have different needs and hardwiring?

From the biological/evolutionary standpoint what you wrote is again super clear. I wonder if we want to consider other aspects of our being in this inquiry. Certainly we are metaphysical. What's our highest possibility?

I personally have played various parts in the dances of monogamy and non-monogamy. Shortly after one seems clearly to be the way, I find myself feeling differently. It's a topic of great curiosity and interest to me.

Thanks again,
d

And my answer:

Hi,

Thanks for writing.

Certainly, humans follow bell curves for most if not all of our sexual behaviors; how often we want sex, number of orgasms, etc. It is difficult to apply any species wide findings to individual humans except to say we all fit somewhere on that bell curve.

First, humans are a mix of predispositions overlaid by cultural strictures. Those cultural influences can overpower our predispositions. The desires and predispositions don't go away, they simply get repressed, ready to burst out even stronger in some socially unacceptable manner, like rape or pedophilia. One need only think about a monk sitting in his cell, not talking to anyone outside of a confessional, nearly starving himself, flagellating his body with whips to see that certain communities can blunt and stifle the most basic of human needs. The most natural behavior for a human may, in fact, cause him great anguish when he follows it because of the social milieu in which he was raised.

Second, as shown by studies like Michelle Alexander’s, human sexual behavior is often driven by forces below the conscious level. Therefore, humans themselves don’t understand or even know that they are being impelled to certain behaviors. One behavior which I see plainly expressed yet never acknowledged is that the male is expected to supply resources to the female in return for mating. Yet, if you tell a woman she is doing this, she will be incensed. But she is. Our whole culture is rife with examples, bringing candy or flowers on a date is nothing more than a demonstration of resources provision. The great big diamond engagement ring is another example. Humans are endlessly able to justify behaviors by ascribing them to wrong reasons.

Your question about spiritual issues is a tricky one. Why would it be more spiritual to be monogamous? Or non-sexual? This goes back to the social history of the Semitic religions stemming sexual urges to control people. The question pre-supposes the answer that sexuality and polygamy is somehow anti-spiritual. The history of the Western religions is full of preaching that the body is evil and sinful and that our eyes should be lifted Heavenward. Looking at many Eastern religions and we see sexuality glorified as God ordained. Shintoists believe that man touches God at the moment of orgasm and therefore, reaching orgasm is a religious duty. Some Hindu holy books are nothing more than sex manuals for multi-couple orgies. The old Druidic religions held that sex was sacred and included in religious rites. I think that anything which impedes our happiness will make us less spiritual. Spirituality isn’t disconnection from one’s body; it is glorying in all of the pleasures the body can bring while maintaining knowledge of who we really are.

For these reasons I don’t attempt to apply my arguments to individuals, only to our broader culture and history. There are some people who would be miserable in a polygamous culture. It doesn’t change the fact that a society set up along lines that account for these predispositions would, on the whole, be happier. Our current culture is insane and very unhappy when it comes to sex. But, if we changed the cultural expectations, which would take time, more people would be happy and sexually fulfilled than with our current set of mores.

I'd love to hear from you about this topic. Please send me your thoughts or questions:

Or you can e-mail me directly

To see the original discussion of monogamy

Return to Serious Topics homepage

Return to homepage