; ; Anyway, Lucky's mother baked a birthday cake and invited all ; his friends to a party. I'm the only one who came. I'm Alvin ; Pauley Booker, Lucky's best friend -- well, it seems like I'm ; Lucky's only friend. Anyway, afterwards, Lucky and I walked ; along the railroad tracks and Lucky said to me, "Paul, school's ; gonna start soon, and I've made a resolution."
; ; "I know, Lucky, the same resolution you've made since you ; were twelve. You're gonna get a big, black, V-12 Jaguar."
; ; "Well, yeah, Paul, someday. I know I won't get one for a ; while. I don't even have a driver's license. No, I have a more ; important, more reasonable goal."
; ; "What's that?"
; ; "No matter what it takes, I'm gonna get laid."
; ; I nearly choked. Or laughed. I didn't say anything. What ; could I say? The most unpopular kid in school, he's gonna get ; some girl to... nah, never happen. Of course, I didn't count on ; the fact that Lucky was also the smartest kid I ever knew.
; ; School starts. You know how girls carry their books tucked ; under their tits, and guys carry their books under one arm? ; Well, Lucky, most the time he carries his books like in front. ; Seems like all he has to do is look at a girl, and there's this ; embarrassing bulge. So, how's Lucky going to get to know some ; girls? He tried his best, must have tried to make conversation ; with every girl in the junior class, but none of them would have ; anything to do with him. That's not too hard to understand. I ; mean, what decent girl is going to stand there in public and chat ; with a guy whose belt buckle is pushing up past his navel? Well, ; maybe some guys could get a way with it, but not Lucky. Lucky ; isn't tall, dark, and handsome. He's short, dark, and hairy, ; like all over his body, and he has big brow ridges that make him ; look like a Neanderthal Man. He doesn't dress very well, which ; is partly because he's poor and partly because he's a nerd. He ; and his mother, they live over the feed store, next to the ; tracks, and they get food stamps, and his clothes come from ; thrift shops. But even if he dressed like me, there isn't a girl ; in the school would want to be seen with him. Nerdly dweeb ; doesn't do him justice. Weirdo loner would-be pervert troglodyte ; is the impression he gives. Lives in another world. He isn't ; into sports, doesn't even like rock music. He's into ; electronics.
; ; My father's president of the bank. He's got this thing ; about how his son is going to be a great scientist. Every day ; after school, I've got to hit the books and do my homework first, ; before I can go out. Father says I can do anything I want in my ; spare time, as long as I get all A's. I can go to any college I ; choose, as long as it's Cal Tech or MIT. Anything I want, if ; it's electronic, I can have it. Mom says to lighten up, but ; Father has the last word at our house. Father likes to have ; Lucky come over and fool around with my computers and stuff, says ; Lucky is a good influence on me.
; ; So, anyway, Lucky strikes out with all the girls in our ; class, the juniors, and he systematically tries to talk with ; every girl in the sophomore class. That's harder than you'd ; think, because the word goes out what he's doing, and they avoid ; him like the plague. No girl in her right mind wants to be seen ; talking to Lucky. It's like the end of November by the time he ; ticks off the last one, Brenda Zendorra, on his list of the ; sophomore girls. Does Lucky get discouraged? Right away, he ; starts in on the freshmen. One day he grabs my arm and he says, ; like he'd just won the state lottery, "Paul! I got a date for ; tonight, Sherry Rognatho!"
; ; "Hot shit, Lucky! She's got bazongas like melons, even if ; she is only fourteen."
; ; "Sixteen, she repeated fifth grade."
; ; "Well, congratulations. Let me know how you make out." ; Even I don't want to be seen talking to Lucky, though he's a nice ; enough guy, if you get to know him. But I've got my own social ; life to think about.
; ; That night, about eleven, eleven thirty, I hear this ; rapping on my window. I've got this room that father calls my ; laboratory, a play room, really, out in the north wing of the ; house. Anyway, I open the window and Lucky's voice calls out, ; "Paul, throw me some pants."
; ; "Whada ya mean?"
; ; "Throw me some pants. I need to borrow a pair of pants."
; ; So I toss him a pair of jeans, and he comes in, the waist ; hitched up and the legs rolled up, because he's about six inches ; shorter than I am. He's got no shirt, no shoes, and he's really ; shivering with the cold. So I give him a shirt and a sweater and ; some old Reeboks. "Thanks," he says, "I'll return 'em as soon as ; I can."
; ; "Don't bother. I won't miss 'em. Just tell me what ; happened."
; ; "Well," he explains, "I got done at the feed store. Had to ; unload a boxcar of starter chow, and after supper, all clean and ; dressed up, I went over to Sherry's house. We sat for a while on ; the porch, you know, talking, and then she says how would I like ; to go for a walk in the woods, down by the stream. So we go, and ; she's like walking real close, bumping up against me with those ; tits of hers, and I'm trying to keep from creaming my pants, and ; she's got this shopping bag with her. We get to this little ; clearing, and she pulls out a blanket and spreads it on the ; grass. It's dark, but the moon is out, and I'm thinking, wow, ; this is it!" He paused a second, kind of embarrassed.
; ; "So? What happened next?"
; ; "She says, 'If you show me yours, I'll show you mine,' and ; she starts to unbutton her blouse, slow and teasing like. She's ; wearing this black lace bra. Well, by the time she gets her ; blouse off, I'm down to my socks. And then..."
; ; "Then what?"
; ; "Then her brother, Rambo Rognatho, and three other football ; players jumped me."
; ; "Oh, God!" I said, and he dropped his pants. From his ; navel to his knees, they had spray painted him blue, bright blue, ; quick drying enamel.
; ; Of course, it was all over school the next day. Coach ; wouldn't excuse Lucky from suiting up for gym, and there it is, ; for the whole world to see. Sticking out of his bright red ; shorts are two hairy blue thighs, and the paint in his hair makes ; 'em look like rotting blue cactus, a real gross-out. Belly ; laughs all round, even the coach. All the girls, even the ; seniors, wanted to hear all about it from Sherry. For a day, ; Sherry was the most popular girl in the school, and she ate that ; right up. Rambo and his buddies bragged a lot about what they ; had done, and they probably added a bit they hadn't done. Real ; proud of themselves, the barbarians.
; ; Lucky tried every paint remover he could find, but he ; couldn't find one which would remove paint without removing skin, ; too. He found his clothes the next day, weighted down with ; stones in the creek, and it only took a week or so to get the ; paint off. Everyone in school, except me, was making fun of ; Lucky, calling him "Blue Boy" and worse. Even the freshman girls ; would turn their backs when he was near, that or sneer and make ; some snotty remark. After that, Lucky changed his plan.
; ; Christmas was coming up. "What do you want for Christmas?" ; I said.
; ; "I wanna get laid."
; ; "Yeah, and what else? I can't buy you a Jaguar, either."
; ; "I wanna get laid."
; ; "Come on, Lucky! What can I get you for Christmas?"
; ; "Read my lips," he says. "I...Want...To...Get...Laid."
; ; Well, to make a long story short, I gave him fifty dollars ; and told him to take it down to the truck stop and spend it as he ; saw fit. I didn't see him for a couple of days.
; ; "So, did you get laid?"
; ; "Screwed, not laid. I saw this woman hanging around the ; truck stop. Net stockings, mini skirt. You know what I mean."
; ; "Go on, go on."
; ; "She says, 'Is there anything I can do for you?' I say, ; 'What can you do for fifty dollars?' She says, 'What did you ; have in mind?' I say, 'Look, Lady, I want to get laid in the ; worst way. What can I buy for fifty dollars?'"
; ; "Well? What did she say?"
; ; "She said, 'You're under arrest, punk, for soliciting ; prostitution. I'm a policewoman.' She handcuffed me and took me ; down to the County Building, and they called my mother. The ; judge told them to drop the charges after they found out I'm only ; sixteen, but they told me I'd better stay away from the truck ; stop, and Mom's really pissed. Here's your fifty dollars back."
; ; "Keep it," I said.
; ; Now my mom says, if I'm going to be a scientist, I should be ; a biologist and do something for mankind. I mean, physicists do ; something for mankind, too, but she's funny that way, always ; bringing up Hiroshima. She buys me some white rats for Christmas ; and suggests I do something scientific with them.
; ; One night, Lucky comes over and asks what I'm doing. I told ; him I had put electrodes on George, and I was doing Fourier ; transforms on the nerve signals I picked up when he was doing ; various things. Like, when he's hungry, you get one pattern, and ; when he's trying to run a maze, you get a bunch of other ; patterns, and when Gloria or Glinda is in a receptive mood, you ; get a real distinctive signal spectrum.
; ; "Is this some kind of science fair project?" asks Lucky.
; ; "No, they don't let you do projects on live animals. This ; is just to please my mom." Pretty soon, Lucky gets into this ; thing, too, and we have a lot of fun, experimenting. Well, ; didn't I say that Lucky was the smartest kid in school?
; ; Lucky gets this idea that if a certain behavior results in a ; certain electrical pattern, then maybe, if you could induce that ; electrical pattern in the rat's nervous system, he would ; duplicate the behavior pattern. "How could you do that?" I ; asked.
; ; "Microwaves."
; ; "Yeah, sure."
; ; Next day, Lucky shows up with this old microwave oven that ; he found at the dump. He takes it all apart, puts it back ; together, and hooks it up with my computer. We needed some extra ; parts, but Father bought them, no questions asked. Comes the day ; of the big test, we put George in the microwave, turn on the ; digital synthesizer, and then the oven control. George goes ; crazy, and we stop the test.
; ; "It works!" yells Lucky.
; ; "Come on. You'ld go crazy too, if someone was cooking you ; in a microwave oven."
; ; "OK, we'll experiment some more."
; ; To make a long story short, Lucky gets all the details ; worked out. Pretty soon we've got it so that, any time we want, ; we can put George and Gloria in the oven, turn on the equipment, ; and they'll go at it hot and heavy. Doesn't matter if they were ; asleep. As soon as we turn it on, instant passion. They keep it ; up until they drop, if we don't switch off, which we do, because ; I don't believe in cruelty to animals. Lucky says it isn't ; cruel; they enjoy it, but I say anything to excess has got to be ; painful, even that. "OK," I say, "You have proven your point, ; Lucky. What do we do next?"
; ; "I gotta get laid," he says. "Here's the plan."
; ; I said to Father, "Father, you know that old satellite dish ; we replaced last year?"
; ; "Yes, Alvin," he says, looking up from Barron's.
; ; "Can I have it for an electronic experiment?"
; ; "Of course you can, Alvin," he says, "as long as you don't ; do anything illegal. I mean, don't interfere with aircraft ; navigation or anything like that." Then he goes back to his ; reading.
; ; Our house is in the better section of town, actually a mile ; or so out of town, ten acres on Stephen's hill. We've got a ; stable for Mom's horse, Blackie, and from the stable roof you can ; see most of town, the school, a number of farms. We put the dish ; up on the stable roof. Lucky said, "Let's test it on Blackie."
; ; "No way, Lucky. If you do anything to that horse, Mom will ; never forgive me."
; ; "OK," says Lucky, "there's lots of other experimental ; subjects around. With this kind of antenna aperture, we should ; have a fairly directional beam, good for a couple miles."
; ; There's this dairy farm, down in the valley. Lucky points ; the dish at some cows and flicks the switch. Then he turns it ; off, real fast. I've nearly fallen off the stable roof, with the ; biggest, hardest... you get the idea.
; ; "Backlobes," says Lucky.
; ; "The hell, you say. Gawd, it feels like I've been kneed in ; the crotch."
; ; "Now you know how I feel most the time. You get turned on, ; really lusting, and then, if you don't get your rocks off, they ; complain to your brain with pain."
; ; "Yeah, yeah. So what went wrong?"
; ; "Nothing went wrong. I just forgot that, no matter how ; directional the antenna seems, there are always sidelobes and ; backlobes in the antenna power pattern. Sine X over X pattern. ; So a little power up close, you know, diffraction from the edge ; of the dish, is as strong as a lot of power, the main beam, at a ; distance. We have to build ourselves a Faraday cage. Oh, and ; your parents aren't home, are they?"
; ; "No. What's that got to do with it?"
; ; He gives me this condescending look and says, "Pauley, you ; don't want a little baby brother or sister, do you?"
; ; "Oh, no. I see what you mean. So what do we have to do?" ; He never calls me Pauley, unless it's a put-down.
; ; We spent the rest of the evening running a remote control ; cable from the stable roof to my lab. And later we put window ; screen and aluminum foil all over the walls and windows, ; grounding it to the lavatory pipes. We just leave some peepholes ; so we can see outside.
; ; My mother is a bit distressed when she sees it, but I tell ; her it's really necessary, to prevent harm to the rats. "Well," ; she says, "I hate to think what it will cost to repaper those ; walls, but I wouldn't have you hurt poor, dumb animals for ; anything, My Dear. You be careful, now."
; ; So finally there's this beautiful spring day. Blackie is ; out in the pasture, down the hill and not in line with the dish. ; Mom is at the mall in Springfield, and Dad is down at the farm ; equipment dealer's, looking at a new mower. We climb up and ; make sure the dish is aimed at the cows. Then we take our places ; at the peepholes and turn it on. Next thing you know, the bull ; has jumped the electrified fence and the farmer is waving and ; cursing. Lucky turned it off.
; ; "It works," he says.
; ; "Could be coincidence."
; ; "We'll try it again." Old Parson Svenson is out puttering ; in his garden, 70 years old if he's a day. Mrs. Svenson is ; planting some tomatoes; it's spring by now. Lucky aims the dish, ; races back to the lab., and turns it on. Next thing you know, ; old Parson Svenson is headed for his wife, and she's brushing the ; dirt off her hands and headed for him, and they talk a second and ; head for the house, holding hands. "Does that convince you?" ; says Lucky.
; ; "Yeah," I say, "we've got to be careful with this. I don't ; think we ought to play around any more. Jeez, a man that age, ; you could give him a heart attack. Better switch off."
; ; "Well, now we've got them started, we've got to leave it on ; for a while," says Lucky, compassionately. "It'd be a shame to ; disappoint them by pulling the plug before they get satisfied." ; After a while, I can't stand it any longer, thinking about that ; old parson and his wife, probably behaving just like George and ; Gloria, ready to die of exhaustion. I switch it off.
; ; "Lucky, we might have killed them!"
; ; "What a way to go, though. Well, back to the roof," he says ; cheerfully.
; ; "No, Lucky, enough is enough. Don't be cruel."
; ; "You forget, Paul, I gotta get laid." Lucky aims the dish ; at Sherry Rognathos' house.
; ; "Hold on, Lucky," I say, "you know what happened last time."
; ; "Yeah, Paul, and revenge will be sweet."
; ; I don't know how I got talked into it. That night, Lucky ; calls up Sherry. "Hi, Sherry, it's me, Lucky."
; ; "Yeah? So what?"
; ; "I think, Sherry, that you have the hots for me."
; ; "You gotta be crazy, Lucky. Didn't you learn your lesson ; last time? That was no accident my brother was there."
; ; "Oh, I know that, Sherry, but I know that just talking to me ; makes you horny." He flips the on switch. "Don't deny it. I'll ; bet you're feeling sexy right now, just hearing my voice. No ; other guy in school can hot you up like I can, can he? You want ; my bod."
; ; There's a pause. I've got the speaker on, so I hear it all. ; "You're right, Lucky, your voice does put me in the mood. Would ; you like to come over?"
; ; "I'll be right over," he says, hanging up. "Paul, don't ; turn it off, unless you see my signal." He grabs a flashlight. ; "Three long flashes means turn it off."
; ; I kept an eye on Sherry's house. Couldn't see much in the ; dark, but after a while, I see three long flashes from her porch ; and I turn it off. A few minutes later, Lucky is back at the ; lab, out of breath and holding his crotch.
; ; "What happened?" I say.
; ; "I got to her house. It was dark. I rang the bell. No ; answer. I rang some more and pounded on the door. Oh, God, I ; needed it in the worst way. Thought my pants would rip open. ; Finally, her mother answers the door, all dishevelled, sweaty, in ; a throw-on robe, and she yells at me to go away. I ask where ; Sherry is, and her mother tells me she's locked herself in the ; bathroom and slams the door in my face. That's when I signalled ; you. Jeez," he says, holding his crotch, "I thought I was going ; to explode!"
; ; "Lucky," I said, "let's call it off. This could be ; dangerous."
; ; "Paul," he says, squinting at me like Clint Eastwood used to ; do in those old movies, "I'm gonna get laid!"
; ; Next night, he calls up Sherry again, and I'm listening in. ; "Sherry," he says, "you can't resist me. Meet me at ten, in the ; woods, where we went before, and I'll really turn you on. You ; know I can."
; ; "OK, Lucky," she says, "in the woods in half an hour. I'll ; bring a blanket."
; ; Lucky aims the dish and then he sets out for the woods ; behind Sherry's house. After a while, just about ten, I see two ; short flashes, and I flip on the switch. The dish, of course, is ; pointed at the woods. Ten fifteen, and Lucky is back, panting. ; "Switch it off!," he yells.
; ; "What happenned?"
; ; "I get to the spot and guess what?"
; ; "Tell me, dammit! Was Sherry there?"
; ; "Yeah, and Rambo and his buddies. They must have overheard ; my call. They all had their pants down around their ankles ; and... Oh, God! What have we done?"
; ; "Jeez. Did they see you? Did you get away?"
; ; "Yeah. I can run faster with my pants on than they can with ; their pants around their ankles. It was a close thing though. I ; dropped the flashlight, so I couldn't signal you to turn it off. ; Oh, God, I was sure I was going to get it in the ass. Poor ; Sherry! Four of 'em, with that thing on fifteen, twenty ; minutes."
; ; I don't know what happened next, but I like to think they ; probably deserved it. Sherry and Rambo and the other three ; didn't come back to school, and rumor had it that the juvenile ; authorities were involved, but of course they keep those things ; secret, with minors, you know.
; ; About a week later, two men in dark suits, FBI or Secret ; Service or something, paid a visit to Father at the bank, and ; then they interrogated me. I told them the whole thing. Father ; was pissed. He smashed up the dish with an ax and said I could ; damn well go to the State University and major in basket weaving. ; I told those guys it wasn't really my fault. I didn't even ; understand all the circuits Lucky had come up with. I just asked ; Father for the parts, and Father bought them, no questions asked. ; Boy, was Father pissed when I said that.
; ; Well, nothing more came of it. Father said Lucky is persona ; non grata around our house. I haven't seen much of him. Some ; more men in dark suits showed up and interviewed Lucky for a long ; time. Like, Lucky didn't come to school, either, except the last ; day. The last day of school, the Principal announced how proud ; he was. "One of our students," he said, "Lucifer Larkin, has ; brought great credit to our school. He has been offered, and has ; accepted, a special appointment with an agency of The United ; States Government, effective immediately, a whole year before ; high school graduation. Let's have a round of applause for our ; star pupil, Lucifer Larkin." Everyone clapped, but not very ; enthusiastically, except for me. Lucky left town right after ; that, and I haven't seen him. I still don't know if he ever got ; laid.
; ; Funny thing, though, yesterday on the cable news channel. ; Father and I were watching, and they had live coverage of the ; riots and stuff down in Latin America. There was that bleached ; blonde anchorwoman, Devora Stein, reporting live from a balcony ; over the entrance of the American Embassy in Santa Placida. The ; camera pans across the city. Outside the embassy, in the plaza, ; there's this huge crowd. They estimated twenty thousand, and the ; crowd is yelling and chanting and waving banners. The cameras ; zoom in on the banners. "Yankee go home." "CIA get out." "No ; more military advisors." "Make love, not war." Then another ; wide angle view of the thousands of demonstrators. Off in the ; distance, I thought I saw a black Jaguar, with a radar or ; something on the roof. Couldn't really tell, just got a glimpse.
; ; Devora Stein is there on camera, in a close-up, saying, "The ; crowd is getting unruly. A military attache' from the embassy ; has advised us to go inside, as there may be violence. They are ; afraid the crowd will riot and rush the embassy." In the ; background, out from behind a "Make love, not war" banner, a ; bottle comes flying toward the camera. The crowd surges against ; the closed gates and the fence around the embassy. They've got ; clubs and crowbars and machetes and torches, and the fence starts ; to sag and fall over. Real scary situation.
; ; Then the camera kind of pans down until it's just staring at ; the floor, and we hear Devora Stein's voice, real excited, like ; breathless: "The crowd's mood has suddenly changed. They're... ; Oh, oh goodness! They're... I can't believe it! They're... ; Men and women, they're... Oh, I can't go on!"
; ; For just a second, there was a glimpse of Devora Stein, ; writhing on the floor with some man. The screen went blank, and ; the Atlanta Central newsman came on and said they seemed to be ; having technical difficulties and would report more when they ; could. Meanwhile, the stock market was up two points.
; ; I don't know, but I'll bet Lusty Lucky Larkin is going to ; have some bang-up career in Government.
; ; [END] ; ;