Michelle tossed her long strawberry blonde mane to the side, diffusing the energy somewhat, in an effort to regain herself and her composure. She let out a long exhalation of breath, slowly and softly, so as no one would notice. The attention was focused on Gabriel, who has just entered the room, and had seated himself across from Michelle and her fiancé, Christian. He crossed his legs and looked at them, smiling, glad for their company.
The men spoke in pleasant banter and held conversations of work and health, catching up on each other lives over coffee and cigarettes. Michelle nodded and spoke a word here or there, but mostly kept to herself, trying to quiet the thoughts rushing through her mind on an emotional tidal wave. She tried to keep her shadows at bay, for once they raised their inky little heads in her mind, she became haunted by remorse and guilt over that which she could not help but to feel, that which she did not chose to let her heart open over.
“You have no right to feel this way, Mon Petite Fleur,” spoke the deep and graveled voice of her darker psyche. He had hitched his way inside her thoughts again, and touched her where she was most vulnerable. She saw his insect face, saw his beetle legs all pointing at her inside the theater of her mind. “You are tied in spirit already to the one who sits beside you, and yet you seek out another who is not yours. You should end things honestly and leave this life for a while. Go hide yourself away where no one can see you until your thoughts are pure. You are wretched, you are a traitor to the love and loyalty you claim to have and are so proud of. Well, Mon Cheri, you yearn for innocence while your heart is corrupt. No God can save you from yourself.”
‘I shall not listen to you, Beetle,” Michelle answered the voice back within her thoughts, envisioning her self with her back turned to this creature that was a part of her darker spirit. She lit a menthol and held it, burning, to her lips. “You exist because I exist, without me you are nothing. Come to me in peace and I will honor you. Come to me with torment, and I shall not hear you.”
The voice laughed, and drew closer to her, its insectile leg reaching out to turn her around to behold him fully.
“You shall hear me, Michelle, because you have no choice. I come to you with the truth, unaltered. It is dark but it is true, and I bring it to you in hopes that you will understand that you are being held back by that which you yearn for. Love can destroy just as it can heal, and what you are doing is dangerous. You must hear it harshly in order to get it through to you. Heed me and let it go.”
Angry, feeling cornered, Michelle drew back from the Beetle but did not turn away. “You act as if I have a choice in what I feel, damn you! Don’t you think if I could turn it off I would? Don’t you know the torment I go through trying not to feel the way that I do?”
The Beetle regarded her where she was for a moment, then spoke to her, saying, “And yet you go back to it, over and over, to feel the torment of it electrify you, to make you feel alive and stimulated. You run over it like a sore tooth with your tongue, forcing it into your consciousness so you have something exciting in your life. You pay it more respect than it is worthy of, and it captures you in dangerous ways.”
Suddenly, the vision of the Beetle faded in her mind as she felt Christian’s hand rubbing her leg. Was he speaking to her too? Gabriel was also looking at her, somewhat expectantly.
“Excuse me, what now?” She said, knowing she had checked out of the conversation minutes before. They both looked at her gently. “That’s our Michelle,” it seemed their smiles said. Bless them both, she thought silently.
“I was asking if you wanted a drink, my dear,” Christian said, his eyes beaming at her. “Gabriel has acquired a bottle of very fine scotch, and was asking if we would like a glass of it.” Michelle felt the adoration Christian held for her drifting from him and intermingling with her energies. It was a sweet high, and she returned her emotions to him, that he also may be bathed in her glow.
“Sugar coat that guilt, Mon Cheri, but it is still there under your illusions”. The Beetle was in a feisty mood tonight, it seemed.
“Yes, thank you, that’s an excellent idea, gentlemen. I will have a scotch please, over ice.”
“It’ll shut the Beetle up,” she thought. Hopefully.
“So what have you been up to, Michelle?” Asked Gabriel, who had gotten up to fetch the liquor? She could hear the ice cubes rattle into the glasses from the kitchen.
“Not much, you know, trying to stay sane, entertained and occupied. I’ve been thinking about busting out my paints again and trying to take up the brush.”
Gabriel entered the room again, drinks in hand. Michelle avoided his eyes as he spoke to her. “Ah, well, that’s a good idea. Art is always an excellent catharsis, I find.” He stood across from her now, handing her the drink, close enough for her to reach out, if only for a moment…
She took the glass, looking into his eyes but for the shortest amount of time she could get away with while still remaining polite. She thanked him as she took the glass. It was smooth and slick with cold, and she brought it to her lips immediately, swallowing half of the liquid.
“Wow, Michelle,” teased Christian from beside her, “You sure are thirsty tonight.” The air was filled with soft laughter, and Michelle felt her heart lift a bit. The burning in her chest from the scotch was nice, too.
“Oh, I forgot the vodka you were asking for, Michelle.” Said Gabriel, slapping his knee with self frustration. “Tell you what, though. I have about thirty bucks, and the package store is just down the block on the corner. It’ll give you a chance to get some fresh air, and oh, get Christian and me a nice cigar please if you will.”
Michelle stood and took the money Gabriel held out to her. She was suddenly filled with relief to get a chance to pull away from their energies and collect herself. Funny how it seemed that Gabriel could sense her moods that way.
“Alright boys, I shall return momentarily. You guys be good.” She stuffed the cash into her purse and then swung it up onto her left shoulder. Christian handed her a flashlight and kissed her on the cheek.
“Here, take this, love. It doesn’t hurt to be able to see, and if someone comes up at you, just swing it over their head and run.” Michelle stood on her tip toes and kissed her fiancé on the forehead, leaving a faint pastel pink lipstick imprint. She giggled, but didn’t tell him. It was her love stamp.
“I shall be careful, my dear, no worries. If anyone comes up at me I will just take off my clothes and frighten them to death with my nudity.” The joke got her some laughter as Christian guided her to the door. The night air was crisp and refreshing, and she was again grateful for the chance to get outside of the situation and commune with the night. One more kiss from Christian and she was off, her platform booted feet slapping the sidewalk in a steady rhythm of progress.
She breathed in a deep lungful of the crisp autumn air, holding it within her body before letting it out of her mouth in a thin and steady stream. There was something magical about night time in autumn, the moon seemed swollen and full, hanging low and dyed a harvest red in the darkening sky. The trees seemed more aware of her passing, following her with their shadows as she passed them, reaching out to her with their leafless braches. The air smelled of burning leaves and some faint spice Michelle could not place, but it brought on feelings of fragmented nostalgia for her. Memories of childhood Halloweens, dressed as a vampire every year, hands stained with pumpkin pulp, teeth sticky with sweets; sounds of creepy horror music coming from the TV where she and her sister, Gwen, would spread out their candy treasures for inspection.
Looking ahead of her a bit, Michelle noticed what seemed to be an old grave yard just across the street from her. She smiled to herself, curiosity piqued. She had always been drawn to things arcane, things of esoteric value. Places like graveyards were peaceful to her, and she was always open for something spiritual in her life. An avid fan of horror movies, she had always secretly hoped for a strange but meaningful encounter of her own. Providing she could also survive it, of course.
She halted on the sidewalk, taking the only sound of the night as she did so (her foot steps) leaving her in almost perfect silence. She regarded the graveyard, feeling pulled towards it, trying to decide if the boys would be worried if she just took a quick visit through the graveyard to soak in the vibrations of its peacefulness. Strangely, the Beetle had nothing to say of it. Seemed the alcohol may have worked to quiet him, after all.
After this brief hesitation, Michelle decided that a quick tour was in order, and that it wouldn’t take her long. It seemed a small graveyard anyways, and she didn’t want to be caught trespassing in a sacred place after hours, either. Checking her watch, she gave herself ten minutes. Plenty of time. She lit another cigarette, took a deep drag to calm her excitement a bit, and proceeded towards the graveyard.
As she approached it, she read the old weathered sign which was hung on the wall to the right of the graveyards entry gates. “Highland Cemetery” It read. Only, that’s what it used to read. Someone had spray painted a deep black line through the name, and had written under it, “Bone City.”
“Freaky,” whispered Michelle, under her breath. Gabriel knew she loved things like this, and she wondered why he had never mentioned this place to her before. Ah well, she was here now. A little scared, and excited because of it.
She reached for the gate and was surprised that it was unlocked and swung forwards at her touch. She took it as a good sign, and entered. A breeze came forwards from somewhere in the depths of the graveyard before her, and swept up her hair, momentarily blinding her. Moving her tresses aside, she walked deeper into the cemetery. The moonlight seemed different in here, she thought, shades of blue and grey, clinging to the headstones and trees, sentient, watchful. There was a certain peace here, but also a sense of…something present, something watching from nearby but hidden. The tiny hairs on the back of Michelle’s neck stood up, and her skin rose up in gooseflesh. It seemed the cemetery itself had become aware of her.
Consumed in sensing the energies and intentions of this place, Michelle lost her footing over something that was stuck in the ground, and found herself falling towards the earth. Spreading out her hands for impact, she fell onto her right side, on top of her hand, sending bolts of pain all the way to her shoulder. She yelled out a loud curse and rolled off of her hand, bringing it close to her chest for inspection. It had already begun to swell, and she guessed she had sprained it. Cursing again, she stood, wiping the dirt from her clothes as she did so. She looked down, searching for that which had tripped her up. Whatever it was, it was dark and half buried in the ground. Angry at being injured, she pulled her booted foot back and delivered a healthy kick to the object in the earth….
….and fell again, as it was forced out of the ground by her kick, and she lost her balance as a result. Truly frustrated and feeling angry and foolish, Michelle got up once more and thought about stomping whatever the hell that thing was into smithereens. The thought changed into curiosity, however, as she approached the object and saw that it was a small wooden chest box, and that the top of it had opened, probably by the force of her kick. It hadn’t opened far enough, however, to reveal to her what was inside of it.
Forgetting the pain of her sprained hand, she knelt on the ground and looked more closely at the wooden object. It had a brass looking keyhole, and a closure latch, which was open. The wood was study, but aged, and felt rough as she placed her hands on the lid to gently pry it back.
As the lid opened, a bright golden light came forth from within it, stunning Michelle and making her stagger backwards, shielding her eyes. Whatever this was, it was the presence of something powerful, something infinitely aware and beyond her comprehension. She could sense its oldness, its energies permeating everything around her until there was nothing but this presence, this energy, this penetrating light that seemed to burn deep inside Michelle’s very soul.
“Look upon me, childe,” the voice of the light said. The voice was gentle and that of a female, soothing and benevolent. Michelle could not bring herself to look upon it however; she was in shock and could not believe this was the real here and now. Her heart was beating franticly, blood thundering in her ears deafeningly. She tried to breathe in deep, soothing breaths, but found the air to thick to inhale.
“I am an avatar, Michelle, a messenger of the Universe itself. I wish you no harm, childe. I am here to inform you that the Universe has heard the cries of your heart, and knows of the struggles in your soul. Your message is twofold. One: Love is never a bad thing to hold in your heart, for the heart has an endless capacity to hold boundless love. There is so much evil and wrongdoing in this world, childe, why do you think the love that you hold for others within you is shameful? Rejoice in it and be glad for it, for it is here always to teach us, to guide us.”
“Ohhh Gods!!” Thought Michelle, “This isn’t a dream!” She shuddered to herself, not knowing what to do. Gently, as not to further frighten her, the presence in the light sent out vibrations of comfort towards her, penetrating her fear, unwinding the knots of her disbelief. Waves of peace flowed into Michelle’s spirit, and she became calmer. The reality of this messenger of divinity no longer seemed quiet as strange, and she turned towards it, taking her arm away from her eyes to see that which stood before her.
It was too bright to truly behold. All she could make out was a human like outline, filled within and without with the pulsating, undulating golden light.
“And message two?” Asked Michelle of the deity’s messenger before her.
“Message two is an offer, Michelle, one you must think hard upon before you decide. I am offering you a chance to look within yourself and within that of another. The one you are to look within is the man you cherish, but cherish in guilt and shame. I am offering you a resolution to that, which pains you, but I must warn you, there will be struggles in this as well, and through it a lesson learned, a lesson only for you. If you decline this offer, you will live with remembrance of this occurrence, and always wonder what it may have been, your lesson. But in not taking this gift, you can rest and not take a risk of being further hurt. This hurt will teach you and heal you, for you must reopen the wound sometimes in order to get the “disease” out and truly heal. You must think, Michelle, and think well. But think quickly, I am only here to assist you for a short time, as by becoming a form in which you can see drains my energies so. Think well, but think fast.”
Stunned by the avatars words, Michelle held her breath and tried to quiet her mind in order to hear the calling of her soul. Seconds passed without a heartbeat, without a breath, the pressure of this decision weighing upon her like a heavy stone. She waited for the advice of the Beetle, but he was not answering her, the one, the only time she needed him. The silence ate into her sense of time, but she knew she would answer, had to answer now.
”Everything for a reason. You come to offer me a gift and a chance to learn and heal, albeit through pain and suffering. I accept this offer. Guide me.” At the end of this utterance, Michelle’s lungs were once again filled with breath, heart now beating oxygenated blood. The weight dissipated from her shoulders, the stones weight dissolved. Relief flowed through her, her heart guiding her, her soul ready for the wounds of truth.
“Take this box and close it, Michelle. Carry it home with you and I shall come along as well. Do not open this box until all within the house are asleep. I shall go into Gabriel’s room and steal a breath from him as he sleeps. Within each of our breaths is the soul’s purest energy signature, and I shall bring his forth for you. With his breath and that of your own, you shall create a homunculus, a creature that looks and acts as Gabriel does, and possesses a piece of his souls energies. You shall be able to interact with this homunculus of Gabriel, as if it were him. Use this as means by which to gain your lesson, your message, and your healing.”
With that, the light drained to the bottom of the box as quickly as a blink, the lid shutting down over it, as if nothing had ever happened out of place. Michelle stared down upon it, still slightly bewildered, the shock of reality now coming back to her, the comforting energies it emitted going with it as the light left. Swallowing her trepidation, Michelle stepped forwards and picked up the box. Where the hell was she going to say she got it from? It wasn’t exactly a common item to find along the way to the liquor store.
“Pandora’s box, indeed,” She said, under her breath. “What have I gotten myself into now?” Looking at her watch, she saw that exactly ten minutes had passed since she had entered the cemetery. She looked down the street, hoping the store she needed was within her sight. Her eyes caught the glare of a neon red sign flashing Budweiser. Her heart leapt with gratitude, and she quickened her pace.
“Okay, this is going to look really strange,” Thought Michelle, as she carried the chest in her arms. “I’m about to walk into a liquor store with a wooden chest in my arms. Ah well, this is New York City, I bet people do odd things like that all the time. I just wont make a lot of eye contact.” Taking a deep breath and puffing out her chest for mock courage, Michelle reached the door and pulled the handle to open it. The bell rang to notify the owner of her entry, and indeed, there he was behind the counter. He looked at her and what she carried for a brief moment, lifted his glasses to gain a different perspective, and then shrugged it off.
“Can I help you, miss?” spoke the man behind the counter, in a thick Indian accent. Michelle put the chest down on the counter and began to fish in her purse for the cash.
“Bottle of Stolichnaya, please. And a cigar. Thanks.” He nodded his head and turned around to the shelf behind him, retrieving a medium sized bottle of vodka and a fat cigar. He put them into a plastic bag and handed them to her.
“Twenty Six ninety five, please.” He said, reaching out his hand for her money. He looked down at the chest, and then back at her, as if he were going to ask her about it, then shook his head and said nothing. Michelle handed over the cash and collected her goods and her change, as well as her chest.
She exited the store, rolling her eyes at herself. Bearing her weight in items, she walked as fast as she could back to Gabriel’s house, where he was chatting with his brother, her fiancé, Christian. She knocked on the door and stood waiting for it to open, arms full. When the door opened, it was Christian who greeted her, with a smile and a small chastising for being late. He didn’t say anything about the chest she held, but he did look at it and raise an eyebrow.
“What took so long?” asked Gabriel from the living room. “Did you take candy from a stranger again, Michelle?” She laughed and followed Christian into the living room, putting the chest and her heavy purse down on the floor before getting the vodka and cigar out of the bag.
“So, where did you get that?” asked Gabriel, pointing one of his long, artistic fingers at the chest. Somewhat more brave than prepared for the answer, Michelle looked to herself to come up with a good, quick answer.
“I uhh, tripped over it on the sidewalk on the way home from the store. Lucky I didn’t break the bottle of vodka, huh? Anyways, I thought it was cool looking, and it seemed to be discarded, so I brought it with me. I even sprained my hand when I fell, silly me.” She offered her wrist as proof of her story. She felt good that it was close enough to the truth that she didn’t feel badly about saying it.
Christian took her wrist in his hand and kissed it gently, gentleman that he was. Gabriel, however, looked her in the eye, tilted his head and regarded with the an expression which said he didn’t truly believe all she was saying. Leave it to him to intuit these things, she thought, sighing.
Not much else was said about the chest and its contents throughout the night, much to Michelle’s relief. They spent time talking and laughing, telling stories, drinking vodka and passing around a home made cigar. Time well spent passed swiftly, and soon everyone was making things ready for sleeping.
Soon, the lights were out, shadows heavy everywhere. The couch had been pulled out for Christian and Michelle, its double mattress made in soft flannel sheets and a black silk blanket. Gabriel had bid them both a good night, and now Michelle was beside her fiancé, who was snoring softly to himself as he dreamed.
The chest gleamed softly on its brass opening, the moonlight filtering from the windows, through the gauze like curtains, down upon the latch. Michelle looked upon it with excitement and fear, wondering what it truly meant to open the box and let what her lesson would be free. Free to hurt her, free to heal her, free to teach her the truth about herself.
She turned and looked upon Christian. His sweet, dreaming face. He was the closest to innocent she had seen in a long while. She loved him truly, but she knew her heart would never be free until she dealt with her feelings for his brother. She loved him dearly, and he deserved all of her.
“Would you still love me, my darling, if you knew of my secrets?” she whispered softly to his unconscious form. She ran her fingers softly through his dark, spiral curls. “We all have our darkness, dear, our wounds and secrets. I often wonder what secrets lay behind your eyes. I am doing this for us all.” She smiled her love down upon him, her heart warm and light in her chest. She bestowed a kiss to his forehead, and then slowly and quietly moved off of the bed and to the floor. She knelt before the wooden box, holding her hands together tightly as she prayed for a last moment for strength before her lesson was to come. She reached out after her silent meditation, and with a quick flick, she opened the lid of the box.
The light flowed forth once more, filling the entire room with dazzling golden light. Michelle had to look away from its brilliance, but she no longer felt afraid of it. A certain peace of knowing what she was doing was right entered her and freed her from her doubts.
The voice spoke once more, calmingly, melodiously, soothing Michelle. “They are both in a deep slumber, Michelle, and will not wake until the morrow. There will be an aura of something wonderful and peaceful that will be left upon this place after we are done. I will go now and acquire that which we need from Gabriel, and bring it forth to you.”
The light shifted into itself and shrank, its brilliance and strength consolidated into a large golden ball of light. It moved towards Gabriel’s room, and when it reached the wall, it took Michelle’s breath as it passed though, as if it was melting into the plaster like liquid butter. Her heart was all a flutter, wondering what would happen next. Was it wrong to steal his soul’s energy without his knowledge? The light’s voice claimed innocence, and something in her heart felt this was not something which was bad, but still, she wondered, and was plaugued. “Everything for a reason,” she thought, “May this only be for the highest good of all involved”
The light soon re-emerged from the wall, same as it entered, this time glowing more brightly. Within this golden ball of light, Michelle saw a pure white-blue light, sparkling and dazzling, spinning within the golden light. Gabriel’s breath and souls energy signature…
“Now, take a deep breath, childe.” Spoke the voice of the light, this time from within her mind. She obeyed, feeling lightheaded and ecstatic to the point of tears as she did so. She felt a warm light bathing her from within, felt it flowing into her, tingling her skin. She opened her eyes and saw the light within the light only a mere centimeters from her face.
“Now, breathe that breath out, Michelle, and focus it into the blue-white light. Send it there with the purest of your intentions.” Holding the breath inside her for a moment longer, luxuriating in the depth and warmth of it., she prepared herself to send her purest thoughts with her breath to combine with the breath of Gabriel.
With a last push of emotion, Michelle exhaled her breath and focused it upon combining with the energies of Gabriel. She closed her eyes and felt the warmth of her breath leaving her body and touching the golden light. She opened her eyes now, and saw her breath, a vibrant violet color, entering the golden light and penetrating through it to combine with the white blue light. As it touched Gabriel’s breath, it sparked and flamed, pulsating and growing and spinning within itself. A high pitched humming filled the air, at first softly, then growing in speed and strength as the intermingled breath spun and spun and grew and changed. The floor beneath her feet began to vibrate, the hum drilling itself into her head, making her cover her ears, bringing her to her knese, the humming, the spinning… the brilliance of the light that was growing and becoming more solid by the second overwhelmed her. Tears spilled from her eyes, the humming was becoming painful, she felt it in her bones, rattling them. A sudden burst of light, and a popping sound, the smell of something firey…
And it was over. The humming stopped, the light was gone. The spinning in her mind had abated, and so she tried to focus herself. On the floor beside her laid a naked form, hunched into itself, bathed in shadows. She could see the gleam of its eyes as it regarded her from its spot on the floor, the light hitting its pupils but somehow not dilating them. She moved closer, and it did not move, but she saw its eyes watching her as she moved closer to it. She left a step between him, where the light fell upon its face…the face of Gabriel.
“Is it you? I mean, it looks like you…but, is it you?” She asked, somewhat taken aback. The figure tilted its head and looked at her, his eyes sparkling. It said nothing, but those eyes, how they danced! Looking at him further in silence, Michelle reached out her hand, ever so slowly, to the homunculus of Gabriel. She wanted to touch its face, to see if the curves she knew to be there upon it were also there to be touched by her fingertips. Before she could, however, the figure took her hand in its own and brought it to his lips, kissing it softly, gently, innocently.
“A portion of the real Gabriel is here, its true. You gave me life by the emotions you hold for me, you mixed your souls breath with my own, and this form was born. I will always now further understand you. Love is not something to be taken lightly, to be used and thrown away as if it were a common commodity.” It returned her hand to her, its honey brown and marbled green eyes regarding her with respect and compassion. “I will honor the way you feel for me, but know that it is meant to change. Your love is for Christian, your true partner in this life’s journey. Do not misunderstand his wisdom, and his importance to you. I will love you always as well, as a sister of my soul, and as a warrior of my brother’s.” It looked deeply at her now, and opened its arms to her, revealing its well endowed nakedness. Without a hesitation, Michelle fell into the figures arms, fully giving herself in spiritual love to the doppelganger of Gabriel. He held her there for a few moments, rocking her and smoothing out her hair before, to her amazement, large feathered wings sprouted from its back and encircled them both, shining with spiritual light and the essence of untainted love and adoration. Within the protective circle of the homunculus’ feathered wings, Michelle let herself be rocked and her hair smoothed. She felt her heart release the guilt, the shame, the fear, the secrets of her inner soul.
“Be free,” he whispered in to her, and again, his lips brushing her ear, “Be free.” Tears of release spilled from her eyes and tangled in her lashes, flowing freely down her flushed cheeks. Still, he held her, he rocked her, and told her to let it go. The wings shone as he opened them slowly and closed them again, circling and re circling her with compassion, love, and understanding. With a final tear, and a breath of courage, Michelle let go of her guilt, let go of her fear, let go of her confusion, and it left from her as a great cloud of smoke from her mouth, filtering up through the air like a mini wind tunnel and up, out through the ceiling, where she could see it no more. The figure of Gabriel smiled at her, and kissed her softly upon her forehead.
“You’re free, Michelle,” he said, his eyes sparking at her. “Love and be loved. It is a gift. Let your love for Christian keep flourishing and growing. He will be everything you need, as you will be for him. You’re free…”
And he was gone…with a blink just no longer there, as if he never had been there at all. The room had returned to normal, the moonlight still sifting through the diaphanous curtains…and onto the floor, where once, a chest had been.
A little bewildered at the quickness of everything, as if she had just awoken from a vivid lucid dream, Michelle found herself shiver involuntarily. Looking down at the floor, she saw a large white feather, and smiled. It was real, how could something like that not have been?
Feeling freer and younger, more alive than she had in years, Michelle climbed into bed beside her beloved Christian, snuggling close to his warm, sleeping body. She placed a kiss on the back of his neck and whispered, “I will honor you always, Christian. Love has set me free. Only all of me for you.”
With gladness in her heart, and compassion towards herself making her whole, Michelle slept, fear and guilt to no longer taint her dreams.