Ask Aunt Sheila – 16

by Sheilamoist

Dear Aunt Sheila
Ever since I told my kid brother that I was lesbian, he hasn't stopped making jokes about it, you know, snide remarks and such. If he told me he was gay, I wouldn't do that to him. Why is he so unkind to me?
Lorraine

Dear Lorraine
If you are asking me to fathom the workings of the male brain, I can't help you. Let me put it very simply: you don't have a problem, it's your brother who has a problem. Feel sorry for him. Humor him. And if that doesn't work, put powdered glass in his coffee. Just kidding!

Dear Aunt Sheila
I am fourteen years old and very "advanced" for my age. I am used to men gawping at me, but I am really freaked out that the woman next door is coming on to me: lots of stuff about how pretty I am, how she likes my boobies, etc. What makes a woman think about a young girl that way, you know, like, sexually?
Pamela, 14

Dear Pamela
There are two kinds of women in the world: those who are attracted to pretty young girls like you, and those who haven't admitted it to themselves yet.
Make the most of a wonderful opportunity, sweetie!

Dear Aunt Sheila
Who WAS Sappho? When I googled her, it just said that she was a poetess. Curious Rebecca

Deawr Rebecca
Sappho WAS a poetess. Also she lived on the island of Lesbos. Also she was surrounded by females, no men at all. Do you need any more clues, sweetie?!

Dear Aunt Sheila
Is there such a thing as too much masturbation? Only I seem to be jilling non-stop these days: at school, at home, on the bus, in the park, just like everywhere, man!
Jilly-poo [real name and address supplied]

Dear Jilly-poo
Is there such a thing as "too much masturbation"? No, but there is such a thing as "too little mssturbatwion", so you keep up your wonderful jilling regime. If you would like to send me your private phone or mobile number, I am sure I could help you further.....

Dear Aunt Sheila
I am SO fucking ANGRY! I just finished with my bf, because he said - can you believe this???? - that he wouldn't go down on my any more because my cunt smelled of tuna. Grrrrrrrrrr.
Annie Scott

Dear Annie Scott
Let me brush the hair from my face and find you somewhere to sit. Let's face it, Annie my love, you have made a false start. A natural mistake, I grant you, but find yourself a girlfriend and find out the truth: what that asshole called "tuna" is in fact that most delicious aroma and taste that you will ever experience. Go to it, girl!!

Dear Aunt Sheila
What's the G Spot? I tried to find it, but I failed so I guess I don't have one.
Puzzled Vicki

Dear Vicki
But you had fun looking, right?! So, keep searching, sweetie!

Dear Sheila
What's the difference between a lesbian and a dyke?
Christine

Dear Christine
A dyke is a watercourse, like a narrow drain, in agricultural areas. A lesbian is a woman who has come to her senses.

Dear Aunt Sheila
Maybe I should write privately to you about this. A couple of weeks back, I was in Barcelona and I met a woman called Montse Trape. We had amazing sex together, but it was spoiled just a tad because she kept talking about this fabulous English lover she had had years back, someone called "Sheila Smith". Was it you? Sorry, I am not angry with you, but it was off-putting to have Montse talking about her old love when I was in the middle of an intense muff-munching session!
Jane Harvey [address supplied]

Dear Jane
As the cops say "You have the right to remain silent". so I will say nothing. I am glad, though, that you had such a wonderful time in Barcelona, and I have no idea what your Montse was talking about, but then, she always was a bit of a blabbermouth....

Dear Aunt Sheila
What is your opinion about sex with underage girls?
Curious Mione

Dear Mione
My opinion is, I don't get enough.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I have a crazy idea to write a "Lesbian Cookbook", with recipes that will appeal specially to women like us. I am no Nigella Lawson, but I am a good cook - my friends tell me - and I would dearly like to write about dishes which are likely to be specially popular with lesbians. Am I crazy?
"Dyky Delia"

Dear "Delia"
I find your letter very disturbing. I have been spending time - too much time - trying to identify dishes likely to be of special appeal to lesbians. Figs, clearly, would be a mahor ingredient, along with some of the more, erm, accessible vegetables like cucumbers, carrots or courgettes. After that, I am at a loss, but I am sure our readers will come up with all kinds of idea.
PS If you would care to pursue this idea further, email me privately and we will see about spending a weekend together experimenting.