Ask Aunt Sheila – 14

by Sheilamoist

Trying once more to pick the jewels from the dross of my agony column. So many queries are "the same old grind". I hope this selection are a little more challenginsg

Dear Aunt Sheila
Is it possible to cure a girl of lesbian tendencies? Please don't blind me with science, I just want a straightforward answer. Worried Mother

Dear Worried Mother
It's a good question. I assume you have a teenage daughter that you are worried about. I cannot answer your question, because for me it is like asking if you can cure someone of being jewish. The only way you can cure a jew of being jewish is by forcible conversion. Is that what you want?

Dear Aunt Sheila
I bet you won't answer this because I am only twelve years old. But I have feelings like everyone else. Well, the thing is, I am totally in love with this girl, Tanya, who is a year older than me. I mean, she is like you would die for someone like her. She's kind of nice to me, but she has NO idea how I feel about her. What can I do to let her know that I love her? Sometimes I feel like I want to die if I can't be with her, you know? Well, I guess you will just throw this letter in the trash anyway.
Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you.
Alice, 12.

Dear Alice, 12
You are right to think that I might not answer your letter. So many adults fail to understand that the joys and the pains experienced by the young are just as real, just as joyful and just as painful, as anything that they feel. I apologize for the blindness and stupidity of all adults who are that way. Tanya is nice to you, right? That means that you already have some kind of relationship with her. It's a start, sweetie. I can't tell you how to win her heart, or how things will turn out, but I will give you one piece of advice, which is very hard to follow: try to see the situation from HER point of view, not your own. What does SHE want from YOU? What does she see when she looks at you? IF you can figure out what YOU mean to HER, you are on the way to making the friendship into something special. Tough, yes? I know, but there's no other way. Just think though. Maybe Tanya lies in her bed every night fingering her pussy thinking about you! You never know!

Dear Aunt Sheila
I was at a disco the other night, and when I went into the restroom, an older woman kind of jumped on me and started, you know, being all kind of sexual, kissing and groping and stuff, and saying how she found me attractive and all that. Of course I pushed her away, but I have to admit it was kind of exciting too. Am I a lesbian?
Confused Karen, 19.

Dear Karen
I don't know if you are lesbian, but I think you could work on it, sweetie. Go back to the disco, hope you can find that woman again, and come on to her. See what happens. Well, we all know what will happen, but that's what you really want, isn't it, sweetie? On second thoughts, yes, you are a lesbian! Go for it, girl.

Dear Aunt Sheila
Why are so many girls willing to give men a blowjob? I mean, it's really gross, and it's like the woman is submitting to the man's needs, and then there's that awful business when he cums and he wants you to swallow his stuff, which is really really gross. Not just gross, but really difficult, and no fun for the woman anyway. I think girls should just say no, don't you?
Norma

Dear Norma
Leave him. Don't fuck about, leave the pig. Find yourself a sweet girlfriend. Get real. I love you.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I am sure that you are a wise and caring woman, but don't you realise that homosexuality is expressly forbidden in the Bible (and in the Koran and the Torah too for that matter)? How can you possibly condone or even encourage it if you believe in God?
Selim and Fatima, married couple

Dear Selim and Fatima I do believe in God, and I do try to keep the commandments. For example, it is a long time since I coveted my neighbor's ass. But I do have a problem with injunctions not to eat shellfish or flat fish or pork products. I really need to talk with God about these issues, and also ask if it really bothers the Divine Sensitivity that I regularly sleep with a member of my own sex. Fatima honey, feel free to write to me privately any time, you know what I'm saying?

Dear Aunt Sheila
How many fingers do you use when you masturbate?
Curious Carla

Dear Curious Carla
How do you know I masturbate, a woman of my mature years? OK, just kidding! The serious answer might surprise you: all ten. All ten??? Yes, I am strictly two-handed when I jill. One hand and its fingers do the twirling and sliding, the fingers of the other hand press down on my “mons veneris”. It's the combination that makes the sparks fly, and the pressure of your fingers pressing into your pubes is SO important to bring you to the point where you would rather climax than vote for Hillary Clinton - or Sarah Palin for that matter! As to what you do with the five fingers of the other hand, well, if you don't know what to do, there's not much point in me telling you, sweetie!

Dear Aunt Sheila
I honestly believe that you don't know what good straight sex is.
Charlie

Dear Charlie
You are right, Charlie. What good is it?

Dear Aunt Sheila
As Roman Catholics, my husband and I cannot divorce, even though our marriage is definitely on the rocks. My fault really, I always knew I was lesbian, but I thought I could “go straight” as you might say. Anyway, I now have a wonderful partner, Sharon, and so the problem is how to arrange my marital situation. My husband pretends that he doesn't really mind, but is saying that if Sharon moves in, could he watch us making love while he jerks off. Do you think that would work?
Wife in Turmoil

Dear Wife in Turmoil
They say that the role of a consultant is to find out the answer his client wants to hear and then give it to him. So, let me guess: you want me to say “No way should you agree to a scenario where your husband sits and watches you with Sharon while he masturbates.” Right? So: no way should you agree to a scenario where your husband sits and watches you with Sharon while he masturbates.
Now talk to your lawyer, get the loser out of the house, and settle down to a good life with Sharon. Did I miss anything?

Dear Aunt Sheila
What's your take on “golden shower” games? I mean, can urination be a sexual activity?
Vicky

Dear Vicky
At my age, urination is not a game, it's a challenge! Don't make me laugh, don't make me sneeze, don't make me run – because if you do, I will pee whether I want to or not. At your age, sweetie, whatever turns you on. Just postpone for as long as possible the day when you need continence pads.
PS If you want to pee over me, email me privately (contact details on the website)

Dear Aunt Sheila
What's the big deal about having a woman's finger or tongue in your pussy compared to a good hard cock? No, really, I want to know.
Hung Stud.

Dear Hung Stud
What's the big deal about sitting with a six-pack, watching porn movies and jerking off into your sister's soiled panties? You do your thing, stud, and I'll do mine.

Chere Tante Sheila
Ils sont fous! Ils sont tous fous! Il n'y a que moi qui ne suis pas fou!
Pierre

Cher Pierre
How do you say “Go fuck yourself” in French?

Dear Aunt Sheila
You know my frustration? I KNOW that the most wonderful sex in the whole wide world is when you grind your pussy into another woman's pussy. Tribbing, as they call it, is the most awesome experience that any woman can ever hope for. So, my frustration is, how can you let all the women in the world who are putting up with unsatisfactory sex with, ugh, men, know what they are missing?
Donna Frustrata

Dear Donna Frustrata
Can you ask me an easier question, like What time is it? Or What is the secret of the universe? It's a mystery to me, too, why so many women fail to discover the joys of our kind of loving. Lack of opportunity? Lack of awareness? Upbringing? Guilt? Society's Expectations? Fear? Low sex drive? Whatever it is, I wish you and I could do something about it! In the meantime, keep tribbing, hun. Do email me privately if you'd like me to join in (details on our website)..

Dear Aunt Sheila
Do they fuck in Heaven?
P

Dear P
Do they fuckin' hell! OK, OK, let's take it one question at a time.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I have an abnormally large clitoris (photo attached). When I am, you know, aroused, it sticks out like a little penis. I am not complaining, it gives me enormous pleasure when I masturbate. But the thing is, I am so embarrassed that I keep flaking any time I get a chance to go to bed with a woman. What is your advice? Can I get my clitoris surgically reduced?
Big Clitty

Dear Big Clitty
My goodness, you are right! That is one beautiful queen-size clitoris! You know, my love, if you were in my bed, I would want you to try to get that inside me. Seriously. We could do scissors and you could penetrate me with your wonderful clitty. Personally, if I were you, I would put an ad in Diva, or whatever is your local lesbian magazine, advertising the fact that you have a clitoris to die for. You'll never look back!

Dear Aunt Sheila
What is the youngest age at which a girl should start to learn about sex?
Young Mother

Dear Young Mother
Don't waste time writing to me. Get on with it, woman!

Dear Aunt Sheila
Is it possible to catch something, you know, like STD, from performing cunnilingus?
Muffmuncher

Dear Muffmuncher
I once got a very sore nose, because my partner had shaved her pubes a week earlier and had a stubble like a yardbrush. I also once got sore lips, very sore lips, but that was because I ate my girlfriend out for four hours without a break. Otherwise, I think the worst that can happen from performing cunnilingus is you might get a stiff neck and a disappointed feeling that you have nobody to talk to while you are down there.

Dear Aunt Sheila
What's the difference between anal intercourse and good honest straight intercourse?
Curious Charlie.

Dear Curious Charlie
What's “good honest straight intercourse”?

Dear Aunt Sheila
I know you to be a very tolerant woman, and not prejudiced against people of other races or religions. As a Muslim, I love your column very much, being a homosexual male myself, but my religion does not allow it, so I am still “in the wardrobe”, as you say. But what puzzles me is your references to female homosexuality. My religion doesn't forbid it because it does not recognise that such a thing exists. They say Queen Victoria took the same view, which is why male homosexuality was made illegal, but not female homosexuality. It is very confusing to me, pardon me.
Abdulhamid (name and address supplied)

Dear Abdulhamid
If I knew what your question was, I would do my best to answer it. All I ask is that you don't kill your sisters if you find that they prefer sex with girls rather than boys. Deal? As to your own homosexual leanings, go for it, man: it's better than pork!