Ask Aunt Sheila – 10

by Sheilamoist

Another selection from my postbag. Times change, but the problems are always the same. Remember, I am always available for consultation, and I am very "hands-on" (but I am sure you know that!)

Dear Aunt Sheila
I caught my son masturbating. He was sitting on the toilet, eyes closed and completely absorbed in bringing himself off (I think that's the expression). He's only 14 and I am at a loss to know what to do about it. Please advise me.
Worried Mother (name and address supplied)

Dear Worried Mother
What's to worry about? Just buy him some porn magazines, preferably those with lots of pics of naked men with erections, so that he can focus his attention properly while he's masturbating. Also, if I were you, I would tell him not to make a mess everywhere with his nasty sticky stuff.

Dear Aunt Sheila
Is it true that these Ann Summers parties usually end up as women-only sex orgies?
Curious Angela.

Dear Angela
Yes, if you're lucky.

Dear Aunt Sheila
My hubby keeps on at me about lesbianism. He buys me lesbian magazines, makes me watch lesbian porn movies and asks me to describe imaginary love scenes with some of my female friends while he jerks off. Is he sick, or what?
Puzzled Pamela

Dear Puzzled Pamela
I should imagine you are the one who is sick - sick of his sad fantasizing! Go find yourself a girlfriend for some REAL loving and tell your hubby to go f*ck with himself.

Dear Aunt Sheila
Is it possible for a woman to cum while she is sleeping? I have the most vivid erotic dreams that a really butch lesbian is f*cking me, I have these mega orgasms, and then I wake up, you know, all wet and trembling. I don't know if I really had an orgasm, or I just DREAMT I had an orgasm. It's all very confusing.
Linda Butler

Dear Linda
Well, dear, for once I am stumped for an answer. I consulted a doctor friend of mine, and she said it was possible, but she then went down on me and I never did get any further explanation. All I can say, Helen, is that you are a lucky girl! I wish I had dreams like that! By the way, do you recognize the "butch lesbian" in your dreams? Is it someone you know? If it is, give her a call as soon as possible.

Dear Aunt Sheila
My name is Wendy. I am ten and a half and I am a lesbian. I don't have a girlfriend, but I like to touch myself thinking about doing stuff with my mom. She's like divorced and I know she and her friend Cinthya (spelling?) sleep together sometimes. Should I tell my mom about me being a lesbian, or keep it to myself?

Dear Wendy
You think your mom doesn't know??! Next chance you get, snuggle up in bed with her and get those little fingers of yours working on her boobs and her pussy and her boobs. She'll love you for it, and you'll soon find she knows how to show you she loves it! Who knows, you might be lucky enough to end up in a threesome with her and Cynthia (note the spelling!).

Dear Aunt Sheila
I am quite slim with a nice wasp waist, but I have these enormous boobs, I mean, they are humungous. Of course men ogle them like crazy, but I ignore them, they're just wimps. But my boss - she's about 40, dresses a bit mannish but quite a looker - seems to be obsessed with my titties too. She's always making references to them, like really OBVIOUS, sometimes she brushes her arm against them when she walks by, stuff like that. The latest is, she asked me to go shopping with her for undies, and can she buy a bra and panty set for me at the same time. I am really bewildered.
Bev

Dear Bev
Yes, I can see it's difficult sometimes to know what kind of underwear to buy. Such a bewildering choice of materials, styles and colors. If I were you, I would give your boss a free hand. In fact, TWO free hands! <giggles>

Dear Aunt Sheila
I had a strict religious upbringing and I was taught that sex with someone of the same gender is an abomination.
What do you think?
Rachel

Dear Rachel
The very fact that you ask me this question tells me that you have two strong urges: one, you are horny as hell and desperate for a sexual adventure; two, you already know the female you want to have your sexual adventure with. Go for it, Rach!

Dear Aunt Sheila
What's a blow job?
D (name and address supplied)

Dear D
It's a musician's term for occasional work playing in the brass or woodwind section of an orchestra.

Dear Aunt Sheila
Thank you so much for your explanation, but what I don't understand is why men keep asking me to give them a blowjob. I am not in the music business; I work in a gym as a personal trainer.
D

Dear D
Oh right, I understand now. The men are asking you to help them toughen up by kneeing them in the groin. Make it a really HARD blow to their private parts, use a pick handle or an iron bar if you have one handy. That's what men really need when they ask a woman for a blowjob.

Dear Aunt Sheila
There are SO many words for a woman's private parts, but I don't really like any of them. "Vagina" sounds so clinical, "pussy" sounds so twee, and "cunt" sounds so rude. My girlfriend calls hers her "cunny", but I really can't decide what to call mine, although I always think of it as my "nana", the word my mother told me to use when I was little. What do you call yours?
Tracey

Dear Tracey
CUNT. Not you, dear, I mean, that's what I call my cunt - CUNT. Why? Because that's what she is. she's my CUNT, my lovely wonderful glorious exciting magnificent CUNT. Just keep saying the word out loud: CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT..... It's a beautiful word, isn't it? CUNT. Mind you, if you asked me to play with your nana, I wouldn't have a problem! <wink wink>

Dear Aunt Sheila
I was raped by two nuns when I was at my convent boarding school. I mean, they didn't just kiss me and stuff, they pushed things into my vag and my other hole. I was 13 at the time. Even all these years later - I am now in my twenties - I can't stop thinking about it. What should I do?
Helen MacDonald (Ms)

Dear Helen
Find the nearest convent that offers weekend retreats and book yourself in as soon as possible. You'll have no problem, I'm sure, finding yourself a horny nun to play stickfinger with. Or are you maybe thinking you'd like a young novice so you can be in the driving seat for a change? Either way, have fun.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I have a terrible personal problem. I have a sort of strawberry-shaped birthmark at the top of my left thigh and I am so self-conscious about it that I just don't have any kind of a love life at all. Is it possible to get it surgically removed?
Elizabeth Starling

Dear Elizabeth
Silly girl! Most women would LOVE it, and I guarantee that any woman going down on you wouldn't be able to resist kissing your strawberry birthmark before getting her tongue into your delicious strawberry cunt. If you like, I will pay you a visit and demonstrate....

Dear Aunt Sheila
You are disgusting, peddling all kinds of filthy perversions. I bet you're just some fat middle-aged bitch who's bitter cos she ain't getting any. What you need is an eight-inch all-American male love muscle pumping seed into your sad ass.
Hank the Stud

Dear Hank
Thank you for your thoughtful observations. I like your name, dear - it has great rhyming potential. Now, be a good boy, go find yourself an eight-inch all-American male love muscle to pump seed into YOUR sad ass. You know that is what you REALLY want.