Ask Aunt Sheila – 7

by SheilaMoist4u

A few quickies from my postbag:

Dear Aunt Sheila
I am on a calorie-controlled diet and I don't know how many calories there are in pussyjuice. Please advise.
Tina

Dear Tina
As a plumpling myself, TIna, I can only assume that years of "sipping the nectar from the flower" have contributed to my big boobs and my big bum. But I don't care at all: it has been worth it. I'm still sipping and I suggest you do the same. Slimness probably causes frigidity anyway.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I keep fantasising about making love with another woman. Even when I have sex with my hubby, I keep pretending that he is a woman. What do you advise?
Randy Ruth

Dear Ruth
You could try excising his genitals and feminizing him, but I doubt if he would see the funny side of it. I suggest you find another married woman with the same fantasy, which won't be difficult given that they all do have it, and get the real thing!

Dear Aunt Sheila
I hope you don't mind a man writing to you. My teenage daughter has just announced that she is a lesbian. I am really worried. Can you recommend some kind of treatment or cure?
A (name and address supplied)

Dear A
I assume the A stands for asshole. To be honest, I doubt if there IS a treatment or cure for your pathetic condition, but you could start by minding your own fricking business and letting your daughter be the normal happy girl she wants to be.

Dear Aunt Sheila
Do you approve of mixed marriage?
Liza

Dear Liza
Not really, dear, same-sex marriage is more natural and likely to be more successful, but you have to be tolerant of other people's peculiarities.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I love my partner dearly, but she has one very bizarre trait. She won't let me go down on her when she is on her period, and she won't lick my pussy when I am on mine. What can I do about it?
Honey Red

Dear Honey Red
Yours is a common problem. As this column is also read by men, I would prefer to answer your query privately if you would like to get in touch with me. We could perhaps get together with your girlfriend at the appropriate time of month and organise a feast.

Dear Aunt Sheila
What exactly is a "dyke"?
Shirley

Dear Shirley
A dyke is a trench, or the earth dug out and thrown up from one; it is a ditch; it is a mound raised to prevent flooding. What's the matter, can't you use a dictionary?

Dear Aunt Sheila
Is it true that all women are bisexual?
Puzzled Petra

Dear Petra
No, darling, all women are lesbian, but some of the silly ones can't make their goddamn minds up (sorry, girls, I don't really mean it!)

Dear Aunt Sheila
Do you think that the anal passage is a legitimate sexual organ? "Backgammon" (name and address supplied)

Dear Backgammon
What's the alternative, an illegitimate sexual organ?? Darling, there's a whole world of pleasure for us women to be had from "le petit trou d'amour", to use the delicious French expression. Judging by your nickname (back "gam", which is an old slang word for oral sex), I guess you have already discovered that for yourself. Can't wait to feel the next tippy tongue or probing finger in mine!

[Note: the following dropped into my postbox a few days ago]
Dear Aunt Sheila,
I love your column and I was wondering if you can help me. I am a 63 year old grandma and have my .... year old grandson living with me since his mother left. Lately though he has become very friendly with an old man living in the next block, who I have discovered is a homo. He is spending more and more time with this man and I am worried that soon this man will be interfering with him and since my grandson knows nothing about gaysex should I explain to him or what do you think I should do?
Shirley

Dear Shirley,
[a] how do you know he knows nothing about gay sex? [b] what is it to do with you if he gets cocksucked or buggered by the old man? [c] has it not occurred to you that he will enjoy it? They tell me that boys do that sort of thing all the time, but I am no expert. Nor do I have the least interest in what the male sex get up to, as long as they continue to freak out with each other and leave the female sex alone.