The Annex Reviews, August 2002
8/10/02 XXPulp: Earth vs. Tyranno-X (AFresh Sto); Laraloubaye (Seyazou-Nubille); Anatomy of an Orgasm (Pami); Appreciation (Dr. Seuss style) (Souvie); The Jacklettes (RavingRendal)
8/2/02
Whore to the Rings: Tolkien Fanfic on the Net
But first, a bit of history. Lord of the Rings slash is a young addition to the net, having existed for only two years. Least Expected ( http://www.femgeeks.net/tolkien ) was the first archive, appearing in the early part of the 2000 with a small selection of slash. I predicted that when the Peter Jackson movie was released, it would grow a lot larger. Well, that has happened, and then some. There are at east ten major archives of LotR fanfic now, dozens of mailing lists and egroups, and hundreds of writer's sites -- and that's just counting the slashy stuff. All of it has been inspired in whole or in part by the movie, which has caused countless fans both old and new to dust off old copies of the books, reread them, and start reading between the lines. I don't have to tell you how excellent the movie was... you probably know, or have heard. But unlike, say, Harry Potter (another movie-based fandom based on a book series) LotR has a treasure trove of supporting material -- thirty years of continuing interest in Tolkien has resulted in dozens of books of Middle Earth history and notes as well as many non- Tolkien reference works (such as Karen Wynn Fonstad's excellent The Atlas of Middle Earth). Let's not forget, too, the countless visual depictions from fantasy illustrators (Greg Hildebrandt springs immediately to mind) and, in the past few years, fan-created Tolkien websites dealing with esoteric subjects like Dwarvish runes and elven languages. Add to that Tolkien's constant *cultural presence* since the mid-sixties, and you can see how all of this has combined to give new inspiration for fan-penned works. However, the chief attraction for most writers is the story itself, which fairly screams for slash. The main characters are male, sympathetic, and in the movie, good-looking. There are no interfering M/F relationships save for Aragorn's and Arwen's, which is not a driving plotline for either the movie or the book, and was portrayed comparatively chastely in both. There's also the classic hurt/comfort couple of Frodo are Sam, the nature of whose relationship was clear to me even at the tender age of fourteen. Add the action-packed storyline, full of noble emotion, sacrifice, and pathos, and you have tasty ingredients for a very rich, diverse, shared-universe stew, with all the rivalries, controversies, and factions fandoms develop. Or should be rich and diverse. One of the drawbacks with movie-based fandoms, as opposed to the TV-based ones which have dominated fanfic so far, is that they are static rather than dynamic. A TV series is episodic in nature, putting the characters into new situations every week... its the universe is larger and more diverse, if not so grand in scope, as a movie's. The Star Trek and Xena/Herc universes are prime examples, providing all sorts of story threads. A writer can easily put himself or herself into the position of screenwriter, dictating that week's "episode." A movie, however, is a static universe with a definite beginning and end; one may rewrite the ending, flesh in the beginning, or 'fill in the blanks' of unclear or undepicted scenes, but one can't really springboard off it in the same way. (Unless, of course, it's a movie series such as Star Wars that has accreted other media material, such as novelizations, over the years.) Thusly, I found LotR fanfic fell into a finite number of themes. Only a very few, such as "One Dark Night," and the "Bitter Chains" series had original plotlines. Most stories dealt with 'filling in the blanks' of the book or movie material, either as slight revisions of it or speculations on what's left unsaid. Whether this is true just of the NC-17 material, or is true of all Tolkien slash, I can't say. I have a feeling the less explicit material may have more original plotlines, but I haven't investigated enough to be sure. The writing quality was on the whole very good, not surprising because of the use of beta readers these days. Most of the writers tried to imitate Tolkien's prose style, with mixed results. Usually the style is handled competently, if not completely faithfully, and added to the reader's enjoyment of the work. A few writers, such as Tyellas, impressed the hell out of me with how well they imitated the tone. Others, like Amy Fortuna and Sandcat, tried for a hybrid style combining vintage Tolkien with the modern second person detached POV most slash writers use, and this, combined with the dialogue style of the film, worked well -- it's at once archaic and immediate. Other writers seemed to cop their prose style from high fantasy books or Victorian fiction, with results that were unintendedly humorous. Some things about these stories surprised me. First was the amount of blood, rape, and gore they contained, which seems to be growing trend in the fanfic world. I was also surprised at how much of the blood and gore was sexually related, and how much of it revolved around Legolas. Of course, these observations may be due to the fact I only read slash about the human and elven characters... there may have been gentler themes in the hobbit slash, which I chose not to read. Not that I don't like hobbits, or think hobbits don't have a sex life. But my image of them from the movie and books is childlike and innocent, and I just couldn't go there. It cuts too close to kiddy porn for me. For the same reason you'll never see me reviewing Harry Potter slash. (Yes, I know I reviewed the "Harriet Hotter" series in the June reviews, but that was an obvious spoof, and the lead character was well past junior high.) I also don't have a high opinion of Rowling as a fantasy writer, but, I'll let that go for the time being. But back to Legolas. OK, his character is fascinating for a certain female type (in which I count myself) -- mysterious, exotic, oh so pretty. But, as I remember from my first reading of the trilogy as a teen, not a lot was said about him, which was frustrating to me. In the movie, too, his character wasn't really delved into. I got a feel for Elrond and Galadriel as people, but not Legolas. So I can understand fanfic writers wanting to fill in the blanks, but as the most 'feminine' of the males, it also means it's become fanon (fan-created canon) for him to be continually captured, enslaved, raped, and assaulted, sometimes by the enemy, sometimes by friends, each step taking him further and further into wussification. Of all the writers, I thought only Tyellas' 'Ansereg' stories had a good grip on his character, taking it even beyond what's in the book... confidant, slightly feral, neither aggressive nor submissive. That Legolas wouldn't be whinging and crying into his sleeve, that's for sure. He'd be out kicking some major ass. But I digress. So what makes a good LotR slashy fanfic? As a critic, my yardstick has always been that if the fanfic is interesting and readable to someone who is not a fan, or has only a passing knowledge of the fandom, it succeeds. For a long time I held to this definition. But then some fanfic writers explained to me that fanfic gains most of its power, in a literary sense, precisely *because* the reader and writer are so familiar with the material, allowing storytelling conventions unavailable in a 'cold' read where the reader doesn't know anything about the author's world before the first sentence is read, and I've come to agree with them. But then the yardstick becomes the reader's familiarity with the basic media material, and whether the reader's interpretation of it correlates with the writer's... that is, if you think one character in a pair is the obvious bottom and another the obvious top, or think male pregnancy stories are a valid artistic statement, or what your squick limits for BDSM and domestic discipline are... all sources of dissent in the largely female- dominated fanfic world, which is what makes it so interesting to me. So, speaking as an invested fan and not a casual one, my definition of a good Tolkien slash story thus becomes one of plausibility. Can the reader really see the LotR characters they know and love doing these naughty things? Has the writer gone to the pains of creating a logical setup and background for it -- complete with a Tolkienesque prose style -- or are they just indulging in the fanfic equivalent of mindless porn? Are the characters true to themselves, or are they puppets in a series of sick- fucks? **Does the writer convince me that this could have happened in a lost scene from the movie or the books?** On with the reviews.
The uneasy relationship between Boromir and Aragorn receives a workout in this story, which 'fills in the blanks' of what happened between them at Rivendell, before the Fellowship set forth. Aragorn wants Boromir's trust and support on the quest, and Boromir will not give it, so Aragorn makes himself vulnerable to the steward of Gondor... in effect, seducing him after a couple of drinks. The secret they share now ensures they must trust.
This was an excellent story, keeping in character with both stubborn
Boromir and self-sacrificing but calculating Aragorn, who is after
higher ends. The sex wasn't quite seduction, or a display of vulnerability,
or a semiconsensual drunken rape, but a masterfully handled
combination of all three, and sufficiently complex and muddled to seem
real. The prose had Tolkien's gravity but was not as distant, there was an
immediacy and tension to it well suited for a bedroom scene. It *could*
have happened this way, so it gets my high marks. And things are not
resolved happily either, as Boromir chafes:
He sat wakeful until nearly dawn, pondering what to do. In the end he
decided that he would keep his sentiments buried deep in his heart,
alongside the pain and bitterness that dwelt there. He would only
secretly acknowledge Aragorn as his brother, his lover, and his king. To
speak of this was unthinkable, and he vowed he would never say the
words Aragorn wanted to hear.
A bit mooshy at the end, but I'll forgive that, as the preceding was so good.
Reforging Ties [B+/B]
This story asks the same question several other fics I perused did: What if Legolas had been captured by the orcs at Parth Galen in addition to, or instead of, Merry and Pippin? Gripping stuff, especially in slashy hands, where rape and assault are sure to follow. Indeed it did. Lots of it... lots, described in various loving ways the Tolkienesque prose was ill-equipped to handle. The poor wood elf is tied up on the ground, beaten, whipped, and starved. He is also pissed upon by the boss orc, apparent to mark 'his' territory, an original if nauseating touch (orc piss is like acid in open wounds.) After being raped by the head orc, and having his ankles rubbed raw to the bone by ill-fitting chains, he's somehow able to rouse himself when rescue comes, fight back, and flee on those bloody exposed anklebones, to recover, dripping blood and orcish fluids from every orifice, in the arms of by Aragorn, his lover in the story. Hurt/comfort follows. Well, the intensity of this was a... wild ride, let's say, but ultimately worked against the story, as the squick factor was high even for me. Not to mention a lack of realism. Legolas should be recovering for at least a month in intensive care after all that, while in the story he's up and running after a day or two. This is put down to the extraordinary healing powers of the elves, but I don't buy it. And I don't buy it either than he'd want anal sex so soon after being torn up the rectum, or that he'd be such a passive captive of the orcs in the first place. Remember Tolkien liked resourceful characters, the best example being Bilbo Baggins' taunt of "Attercop! Attercop!" to the spiders of Mirkwood. To be fair, the story did get a lot of angsty mileage from Aragorn's reactions to Legola's capture (though he abandons the pursuit of Merry and Pippin too easily) as well as his and Gimli's witnessing of the rape they are powerless to prevent, where the voyeur/kink factor is very high. And the story did have one pearl of wisdom. When Aragorn is hesitant about having sex with Legolas so soon after he's been defiled, Legolas says, "You will only hurt me if you refuse to touch me. For then I will know I am truly despoiled."
The Test [B+]
While reading these fanfics I came across several stories where some or
all of the Fellowship members must undergo various trials at Rivendell to
judge their suitability for the Quest. Naturally, the trials involve sex. In
this case the testers are Arwen and Boromir, and the testee, Legolas.
Arwen says,
"But what would you have me do, lady?"
She met his gaze. "You will see. There may be humiliation, and even a
little pain. But there will also be pleasure the like of which you cannot
imagine". She saw his dark eyes widen as he began to comprehend her
meaning, and his fair skin flushed. Smiling slightly, Arwen took a step
back. "Boromir, there is wine. Will you pour?" she asked sweetly.
The explicit sex thus receives a plausible explanation, and I'll admit it's an original way to work D/s shenanigans into the asexual book and movie canon. The story did not have as refined a tone as the others I've read -- the prose was a sort of pseudo-Tolkien more Arthurian than Middle Earth -- but Legolas was not excessively wussified (he was self- possessed and charmingly shy) and the story was one of the rare ones in which Arwen was a major player, plus points in my book.
Through Bitter Chains, Chapters 1 - 5 [A/A-]
This was one of the rare A/U (alternate universe) LotR fanfics I found. It
takes place in a much-altered Middle Earth where the one ring remains
lost and Gondor is the equivalent of the Roman Empire... decadent and
declining. Boromir rules in Minas Tirith while Aragorn is but a steward
keeping his true background hidden. Gandalf is around, but only as an
advisor. And oh yeah, Boromir has a thing for pretty boy-elves:
Boromir could not take his eyes away from the elf; he was entranced by
his beauty, simple yet divine. He was suddenly overcome with the
intense desire to have this prize for his own, whatever the cost. The
sheer untamed appeal of the elf excited him, much like the thrill of
embarking on war: a conquest that lay before him, which he had bent
all his thought towards conquering and possessing. It was an instinctive
emotion that arose within him: primal yet truthful, and singularly
focused.
What follows is a depiction of Legola's life as a slave to a rather despotic king and his growing friendship... well more than a friendship...with an equally exiled and out of place Aragorn. This was good, slashy stuff, by which I mean lots of angst, sexual tension, semi-consensual sex, and hierarchical relationships milked for all they're worth. The story was written well, the tone similar to, but not exactly, a copy of Tolkien's (one of the beta readers was Tyellas, creator of the Ansereg site I'll review later.) The story was a very good, but not outstanding, read. I enjoyed it, but, when I thought about it later, I realized it wasn't very consistent with Tolkien's characters. True, it is an A/U, but as one lively debate on a fanfic site asked, why bother writing an A/U when you could plug in your own original setting and rename the characters? Since the plot and setting of the story have changed so much (Minas Tirith's concentric defenses, such a strong point with Tolkien, aren't even mentioned) the only thing retained by the characters are their names and basic personalities, which are more than a little one-note: Boromir is a me- gimmee-mine baddy, Aragorn frets over duty and honor, Faramir is just... there, and Legolas plays the violated victim. Not that his plight wasn't well written or believable, but he wasn't Legolas. (I admit my problems with Legolas here may stem from Orlando Bloom's performance in the movie. I never took a shine to his inexpressive face, bug eyes and lantern jaw, and he was suspiciously well-fed for a willowy elf. Granted, so was Liv Tyler, but the oddness of her jaw structure made her alien nature more convincing to me.) It seemed to me the only reason for using these characters in such an altered plotline is for the reader to visualize them, a technique similar to some ASS writers suggesting certain actors for their story's characters. There's also a problem of transgression. In slash, there's a basic, unspoken transgression on the part of the reader (that he or she is reading gay fiction about well-loved media characters) and the writer (that he or she is writing it) that they are both fantasizing about subject matter this society regards as taboo. The hottest slash stories have transgression built into the plot as well... forbidden interspecial (human/elf), hierarchical (master/slave, commander/subordinate) or incestual (brother/brother) relationships that are intended to titillate as well as entertain. The same holds true for LotR slash. But none of these stories expressed the most obvious transgression of all... that of the homosexual relationship itself, odd considering that Middle Earth is pseudo-Medieval society written by a Catholic professor, with all the conservative attitudes that implies. So in the story the king's obsession with the elven slave is commented on disapprovingly, but not seen as the truly scandalous thing it could be... the king desires a *male* elf! Major scandal! I have no idea why this is so, except that, perhaps, putting real-life homosexual taboos into the plot may cut too close to the real world. In contrast, it's a major theme in much of the boy band fiction I've read, where 'coming out' or hiding one's gay affair with one's bandmate are major story conflicts. I have the feeling that LotR slash writers don't want to bother, or are buying into the liberal ideal so beloved by fantasy writers these days -- everyone fucks everyone else and no blinks an eye about it unless, again, hierarchical, incestual, or interspecial transgressions occur. Anyway, the writer wasted a rich opportunity for story development. In sum, I enjoyed reading this, but think the author should have developed it into an original story. But as some fanfic writers have said, even the most extreme A/U fanfic will always attract readers on the basis of its fandom, whereas original creations do not.
One Dark Night [A/C]
This was one of the few stories that had a completely original plot. Some time after the War of the Rings has been won Elrond, the Master of Rivendell, is caught out in a storm in the mountains. He takes shelter in a cave only to find it is already occupied... by an Uruk-hai of the losing side.
This story had an excellent start. The prose was Tolkienesque without
being as windy as the good professor could be, and the rather hokey
setup was well handled. The dialogue and growing trust between the elf
and the orc was believable and sensitive. Then, the two have sex.
Unable to help himself Elrond leaned over to touch the Uruk's thick
forearm. His fine fingers stood pale against the dark skin....it seemed to
him that from the depths of those embittered eyes, amid the awful
fatalism, there shone an unexpected nobility.
Fixated, he felt himself powerless as never before. Slowly, almost without
realizing, he lifted a hand and traced his fingers over the dreadful
features. The broad, high forehead, the heavy brow, the hewn
cheekbones, and the baleful mouth. Ugluk growled low in his throat, but
the sound was one of pleasure.
Sorry, you lost me. As a fan, I couldn't see Elrond extending an arm (well, a fuck) out of sympathy to anyone, let alone an orc; he's just not that kind of guy. The emotional resonance was easier to swallow, but, again, the author was straining mightily to make it all seem credible. Ultimately, a better plot device was needed here than an author's contrivance. So, first half, very good, second half, silly.
In the Shadow of Tol Brandir [A+]
This was one of the heavier fanfics I read, done by an author who, by the
quality of his or her work, has surprisingly little output. It focuses on
Boromir and was of the 'fill in the blanks' genre, in this case Boromir's
dying thoughts after realizing he's let the orcs carry off Merry and
Pippin by giving into the temptation of the ring. There's more than a
little flavor of "An Occurrence on Owl Creek Bridge" here, as Boromir
*thinks* he's been rescued by Aragorn:
Boromir smiled. He wrapped his arms around the other man and drew
him down for a kiss that was less than gentle. Aragorn did not resist, but
in a moment he pulled away, saying, "You are not well enough. You must
rest."
"I am already much recovered. Our lives are too uncertain to wait." He
reached out again, feeling his strength return. Aragorn's lips met his,
and this kiss was all hunger and heat.
But the ending to the story is the same. A brief but powerfully written vignette, saying more than most vignettes do.
Untitled [B]
Legolas is feeling lonely one night, so he pulls a knife on a sleeping
Boromir, kisses him passionately, and forces the steward of Gondor to
follow him to a secluded place, saying, "You know what I brought you
here for. And you wouldn't've come if you didn't think the same."
Boromir responds to the invitation by chowing down on the elf's pretty
lip. Legolas
That pretty much sets the tone for what follows. which involves beatings, belt-whippings, blood games, and bondage, as Legolas is tied to a tree and raped by Boromir, who flees in embarrassment when Aragorn comes to the elf's 'rescue' (it's subtly implied Legolas is enjoying all this) and is raped in return by the sex-mad elf. Embarrassment follows when they all have to face each other the next day, but that doesn't stop them from repeating the acts the following night. There's mindless porn, which concentrates on unfettered sex, and there's mindless slash, which concentrates on unfettered assault. This was not a subtle story. It was more literate than porn, but still porn, because it goes after visceral thrills with such gusto. The characters weren't true to themselves at all, but I don't the writer was concerned about that. He or she actually thought they writing a humor piece not intended to be taken seriously. Well, that's as may be, but the author was enjoying the action a bit too much for it to be parody, which requires love of the material, but not necessarily personal involvement. It was actually more of a pastiche using the formula of that little known gay subgenre, the sexfight. Though I don't think the author knew it. I really wonder about the fascination with gore in these mostly female- written stories. If I was a man I'd make some snide joke about menstrual blood, but since I'm female, I won't.
Not Tonight [B-]
This story was as mindless as the preceding one, and it's also something
of an extended soap opera. Noble but oversexed Aragorn is having
simultaneous affairs with both Legolas and Boromir. Things come to a
head the final night in Rivendell when Legolas spies on Aragorn and
Boromir having sex. Tears and heartbreak follow. The next day, Boromir
spies on Aragorn and Legolas having sex... more tears, and Boromir plots
revenge. He sends a message to Legolas summoning him to a secluded
part of the garden, signing it with Aragorn's name. Legolas falls for this
oldest of tricks and Boromir has his revenge:
Plausible? Nope. Aragorn is depicted as daydreaming of sexual conquests during Very Important Tactical discussions at Elrond's table, Legolas whinges yaoi-style and cries buckets, and Boromir acts like a hellion scorned. Add to this a neo-Victorian prose style, and you have what could be an amusing parody, but I don't think the author intended it that way.
More Than a Broken End [A+]
I thought this vignette was going to be about spanking. Instead, it
concerns the scorn Boromir has for Aragorn's sword, Narsil, spinning
off the memorable scene in the movie where Boromir fumbles the
precious blade, causing it to fall and ring loudly on the floor. Aragorn,
offended, asks that he have words with him in private. He orders
Boromir to strip and lay on the bed, saying,
Boromir paled. "I do not need that test!" he cried.
Aragorn smiled grimly. "I think you do."
Delicate cutting follows, and the lapping of blood. But you knew that already, didn't you? This was a more successful handling of a bloodfic, the tone more weighty and historical, yet pithy and to the point. There's also a good rationale for the bloodletting... Boromir must be taught a lesson by his superior, which, in a quasifeudal society like Middle Earth, must not be argued. A short vignette, but better done than the more overwrought gorefics, and both Aragorn and Boromir were true to character. Recommended.
Click here to read my review of the Ansereg, a Tolkien BDSM fanfic website.
8/10/02
This slick story was also a parody, spoofing a 1950s boys' gee-wow action-
adventure pulp. A giant reptilian creature has invaded NYC, causing
havoc at a business school before eating several female students. One
escapes, to later fall victim herself:
The gal is the girlfriend of Johnny Horizon, who is a... well, it wasn't said, but resident boy genius paleontology expert would be the best description. Johnny hops on a bulldozer and attempts to subdue the creature, only to be eaten himself. Once inside he discovers it's really a giant robot holding captive the townspeople it's "eaten" so it can leach off their vital bodily nutrients. The imprisoned girls give him an impassioned thank-you orgy, which inspires him to shimmy on up to the control room where he roundhouses the evil professor who's controlling it and stops the robot in the nick of time. This piece had some very clever writing in it (especially that intro, where the girl's clothing is ripped off piece by piece by opportune bushes and fences as the monster pursues her) and on the whole I enjoyed the read. But, it didn't add up to very much. It seemed rushed, like the author had cut out a lot of detail in the final edit. There were also other editing mistakes. In the excerpt above, for example, the writer states no one notices the fleeing girl, only the monster eating the girl... which is the same as noticing the girl. Of course, they might not have noticed the girl until she is being eaten, but in that case, they wouldn't have noticed it snatching her up off the ground, either. There were other problems of physical size. The hero says with authority the monster is a Tyrannosaurus Rex, but it's obviously much larger than that... not twice or three times as large, but Godzilla-size, going by how it's eaten the Washington Monument. Then, it's suddenly small enough to be plausibly threatened by a teen driving a bulldozer (wouldn't it just step on him?) Then, it's larger again, not Godzilla-size, but large to carry several dozen people in its legs and gut. Holy shrinky dinks, Batman! OK, it's porn. Not the most realistic of literature. But the lack of attention to one detail really blew the story for me... it was like the author assumed his or her readers were too thick to notice.
Laraloubaye [B+]
I found this story on Literotica, a self-posting archive for sex stories in
the style of Fanfiction.net which I reviewed a few months back. It was
pretty unusual story... an African science fiction fantasy about a
genetically enhanced Zoue, a black superwoman with super sexual
appetites:
Laraloubaye didn't want to do the work anymore. She wanted someone
elses finger up in her curving upward and stroking her three G-spots.
Some males heated body pressed up against her close enough to hear his
heart (or hearts) beat, feel the pants of his erratic breath blowing across
her skin, and his thick joint plowing her; opening her up and throbbing
within her own temple of life.
She could nearly feel this imaginary mans dick sliding in and out, and
she wanted nothing more than to feel him loose control of his sanity, his
lust, his love, his pleasure, as he unleashed his very essence into her
womb.
The story consisted mainly of description, so I couldn't rate it too highly. But what there was showed a lot of imagination. Unusual and readable, with a poetically African tone (though I make no assumptions about the writer's race) and good background for a longer story, if the author ever gets tired of "hangin" as he or she says on the last line, and starts writing.
Anatomy of an Orgasm [A]
The author calls this "a short and intense stroke story." The horny narrator finds a date online for some no-strings-sex, and is pleased at the nerdiness of his profile ("The type of guy who would have been a nerd in high school. But she knew what nerds were BEST at. ") He comes over, and they have sex. That's all there was to the story -- and that's all the writer strived for -- so I can't really say any more beyond "it was hot." But I did enjoy it, especially the protagonist's insatiability, and the good use of a nerd. Is "cuntal" really a word, though?
Appreciation (Dr. Seuss style) [A]
This poem was written for Eli's "220 Vocabulary Words or Less" Contest,
in which writers must tell a story using only that number of words or
less... though the words can be repeated ad infinitum. Souvie used the
limitations of the concept to spoof a literary genre with similar
limitations: The Dr. Seuss poem for children, in the style of "The Foot
Book" (though Seuss is better known for the equally terse "Green Eggs
and Ham.")
On the land, and on the sea.
I am thinking of a nude beach, here... *Too* obvious a target, perhaps. But Souvie did it very well, and she was the first.
The Jacklettes [C]
Sometimes I truly hate to be mean. Particularly when an author says in the foreword to their story: "This is my first origional work...feed back welcome (soory if this is a reapet post my other sever screwed up posting)" A college coed and her two friends hit the campus a couple of weeks early. Surprise, surprise, she runs into her mom who is there to attend opening day for a new "group" (I assume the author meant "sorority") setting up shop in a spooky old house. The girls are talked into exploring the place, running into a vibrating saddle, a butterfly dildo (?) and some handcuffed D/s shenanigans from mom and one of the other alumni, the older women running the show via the miracle of hidden cameras and remote control. I think. It wasn't clear. A few words of constructive criticism, then. Number one. Who goes to their college several weeks early to "get to know the campus?" Whole cities like Rome and Paris can be done in a day or two. Why should Yale or MIT (which I've both visited) be any different? Second. Please pay attention to your spelling and grammar. "Mom naturally gravitated to her crows as Jackie did the same" "traced her fingers a long it" "but could only get out staggered breaths" "he had an orgasm in the building that they caused" were only a few of the most obvious mistakes I found; there were many, many, more. Did you read this after you wrote it? Third. This is a story. Story dialogue is handled in quotes, "like this." Not: Like this, which belongs in a script. At any rate, the two styles shouldn't be mixed. It's jarring. Fourth. Young women's college group = sorority. Was it too much trouble to look it up in a dictionary or thesaurus? I could say more, but, I'll stop at "this story needed a lot of work."
Click here to read my review of Dirty Dream Designers.
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