Facing reality!
I had gotten my car repaired and had my own way to get around. I needed
time to myself, to think about us. I didn’t know when and if I was
going to Vietnam. All I could do was wait for orders. I needed
to tell her I was going but I didn’t know how to tell her and I didn’t know
what her reaction would be. I needed to go home for a weekend to think
about it.
That evening we were sitting on the couch.
“Sue, I’m going home for the weekend to see my family.”
“I’m going with you,” she replied.
“I need to go by myself to take care of a few loose ends,” I said.
She tried to convince me to take her to meet my family but I told her that
I had personal things to clear up. She wasn’t happy about it but finally
agreed to let me go alone.
That Friday after work, I left telling her that I would be back late Sunday
night. It was a short drive this time because my mind was occupied
with her, and listening to the radio.
I spent all weekend at home with mom and the family. While mom and
I sat at the table talking, I told her about Sue, that I cared a lot about
her but things were getting serious. I mentioned that I was probably
going to Vietnam in the next few months.
“Mom, Sue’s husband was killed in Vietnam and I don’t think she can handle me going too,” I said.
“Just do what your heart tells you,” she said.
“I would,” I replied.
I was riding around with Wes Saturday afternoon. I told him about Sue
and our relationship. I never told him how I really felt about Vietnam
and I sure wasn’t going to discuss Christi with him. We pulled into
a bank so he could get cash. I noticed Christi entering the glass enclosure.
I didn’t say anything indicating I noticed her.
“Did you see who went into the bank?” He asked.
“Yes, I saw her,” I said, turning my head facing him so I wouldn’t have to
look at her when she came out. As I was looking in his direction, he
waved to her as she came out. I didn’t look on purpose avoiding her.
“She’s standing by her car looking at us,” he said.
“So!” I replied.
“You’re not going to say anything to her. Maybe just say hi or something.”
“No, I have another life now and she’s not in it,” I said, apathetically.
“That girl you met is that good.”
“It has nothing to do with her,” I said, feeling anger but showing no emotion.
I knew he would talk to her soon. Maybe she would call him being curious
as to why I acted that way.
“I talk to her sometimes. Do you want me to tell her anything?”
“Tell her whatever you want, I don’t care,” I said, maintaining my apathy.
“Your not using your magic on me are you?” he asked. I began laughing.
“No, go get your money and let’s get out of here,” I said, continuing to
laugh. We had a friend who bought a six-pack of beer and we sat in
the parking lot of his apartment for several hours talking about everything.
I told him I was going to Vietnam but I wasn’t sure when.
“Are you afraid what might happen to you over there.”
“No, as a matter of fact I have a feeling I won’t be coming back. This may be the last time we see each other.”
“Is that your magic telling to that?”
“You might say that. I’ll get thirty days leave before I go so I will probably see you at least one more time,” I replied.
“No matter what happens, I want you to know you have been a good friend,” he said putting his hand out.
“You too,” I replied shaking his hand. He drove me home. I got
up late the next morning and visited with mom and the kids most of the day.
I enjoyed the visit and got a late start back.
The drive back seemed longer, thinking about what to say. I knew I
would just have to say it when the time was right. I kept thinking
about Christi and became angry each time. Why is it so hard to let
go? The anger had embedded itself into my heart and I couldn’t get
it out. I tried thinking of Sue but it was making me crazy. What
was in me that I couldn’t get rid of the anger by thinking of Sue?
I arrived at midnight and didn’t see her car. I knew she must be at her mom’s house. I called and she answered.
“Hello.”
“I’m back, I just wanted to let you know.”
“I’ll be there in thirty minutes,” she responded.
“Why don’t you go back to sleep since you’re already there?”
“I wasn’t asleep and want to be with you. I’ll be there shortly.”
“I’ll be here,” I responded.
I was in the shower when she got here. I was about to turn the water
off when she came in the bathroom. She peaked in the shower.
“Hi, can I come in?”
“I’m about to get out.”
“Take another one,” she said as she undressed. She came in and we kissed,
holding each other for a minute. I had to admit to her and myself that
I missed her.
“I missed you,” I said.
“I had given up on you coming back tonight, I didn’t think we were going to have a minute together over the weekend.”
I grabbed the soap and began washing her. I was getting excited.
She took some of the soap from her breast that I had lathered and began stroking
me. I kissed her on the neck and she continued as I stopped her.
“I want to do it in the bed,” I said.
“Let’s go then,” she replied.
We stepped out of the shower, dried quickly, and raced to the bed.
The sheets were cool so we snuggled up a few minutes until we had gotten
warm. We began touching each other. I wanted to look and touch
her. Pulling back the covers, I caressed her body from her face to
her toes missing nothing as she opened her legs. Turning her over I
continued touching every inch thinking again I had never seen a body this
perfect.
“Did you get your personal things straightened out this weekend?” She asked.
“I think so.”
“Will you talk to me about it now?” I had a sudden urge to tell her
about Vietnam. I laid still and turned my head away from her.
I felt fear inside. I turned my body facing away from her. We
were silent for a half-minute or so.
“What did I do?” She asked. I didn’t answer. “Please tell
me what I did wrong?” She asked, in a whimper. I continued my
silence. She put her arm around me and said. “I love you, I didn’t
mean to,” I couldn’t say anything but I felt I had to get this out before
things went any further. I also began thinking of Christi, my father
and couldn’t get those thoughts out of my mind.
I got up and walked over to the chair, snatching the bedspread as I went.
I sat in the chair quietly, wrapped in the spread. I was so angry I
felt tears coming and I tried to fight them back. I was able to, but
the anger and fear was still there. My body was getting hot from the
anger. I was breathing heavily, not knowing what to say. I sat
there for a while. I was thinking of the promise I had made to myself
about women, but I didn’t want to take it out on Sue. I thought of
how much I loved her and realizing how much I missed being away from her
this weekend.
I had not noticed but she had gotten up from the bed and had walked over
to where I was sitting. I opened my eyes and looked up. She was
standing in front of me, wrapped in a sheet looking at me with tears in her
eyes. She knelt down and laid her head on my leg and as she did, I
felt a deep pain in my heart. I couldn’t tell her the truth yet.
My thoughts had changed from Christi and my father to her. I then realized
what I had done to her and felt sick to my stomach. How could one person
make another act this way? Christi had screwed my mind up and I was
afraid of saying anything to Sue. She had done nothing but show me
love. I felt ashamed.
I looked at her thinking how could I make this right. I leaned over
and pulled her up on my lap. She sat almost in a fetal position with
her forehead against my cheek. I put my arms around her.
“I’m sorry. It had nothing to do with you. It was something in my past,” I said.
“Can I help?” She asked. I treat her like shit and she wants to help me. I thought.
“You are as beautiful inside as you’re outside,” I said, feeling like an
ass. “You can’t help me, I have to work it out myself. But I
promise I won’t ever treat you that way again, letting you think you had
done something wrong.” We sat in that position until we had fallen
asleep.
I awoke with pain in my leg. I tried to reposition it without waking
her. It continued to hurt but I wanted to hold her for a while.
I stared at her long silky hair. Putting my face in it, I breathed
slowly. It smelt good. I tilted her head back a few inches slowly
to look at her face. “I can’t believe how beautiful you’re,” I thought.
Her skin was so beautiful with a few freckles on her upper cheeks.
I began counting them, and leaned over and kissed them.
Her eyes opened slightly and she asked. “What time is it?”
“It’s four, I need to get ready for work,” I answered. I pulled her
head to my cheek and kissed it. “I need to get up, my leg has gone
to sleep,” I said. She got up and I tried but lost my balance, falling
toward the arm of the chair. I caught myself until I could walk.
She had gone to the bathroom and when I had gotten the needles out of my
foot I walked to the door, I heard her brushing her teeth.
“How long are you going to be?” I asked.
“A few minutes,” I opened the door, walked in and said.
“I can’t wait,” I began pissing in the commode. She was brushing her
hair when I finished. I got my toothbrush and began brushing my teeth
while she continued stroking her hair.
When I finished, I watched her brush. We were looking in the mirror
at each other and I dropped my mouth. She laughed and asked.
“Why do you keep doing that?”
I put my hands on the sides of her face as I stood behind her and turned her head toward the mirror. “That’s why!
“I know why you do it but why do you keep doing it?”
“I love looking at you,” I answered.
“You make me blush,” she said continuing to brush and glancing at my reflection through the mirror.
“I love to watch you blush,” I said, returning her smile.
“Okay, have your fun! You are still hopeless,” she said frowning.
That night we went to bed after supper. We slept well since not getting much the knight before.
Time is short!
The next couple of weeks were great but it was still on my mind that time
was getting short and I needed to tell her. I think I was afraid to
say anything because she would dump me and I didn’t want that to happen until
I was one hundred percent sure I was going.
Bess and Jennifer had come over this weekend and spent most of Saturday with
us. They were always sweet to me. I made fun of them, calling
them the three stooges. I told them to go out and have fun if they
wanted to.
“We can have fun here,” sue said.
“Do you want me to find someplace to go so you can talk about girl things?” I asked.
“No! We can put up with you,” Bess answered.
“Ha, Ha!” I said, going along with her.
Later I was outside sitting on the top step of the porch when Bess came out
and sat next to me. She sat and looked at me as though there was something
she wanted to say.
“Jay, I know there is something special about you. I have known Sue
all my life, and she has never made such a fuss over anyone like this before,
not even David. You are all she talks about when I’m with her.
But don’t tell her that I said that.”
“Bess, I’m still in awe of her. I cannot believe that she loves me.
She’s the most beautiful, sweet and innocent girl I have ever known.
You can tell her I said that because I tell her all the time,” I said, looking
at her.
“She and David were high school sweet hearts. He was the star athlete
and she was the prettiest cheerleader all through school. But I know
he never made her as happy as you do,” she said trying to explain for some
reason.
“Bess, I’m going to Vietnam. I don’t have my orders yet but I know I’m going and I don’t know how to tell her.”
“Oh no! Are you sure?” She asked.
“Yes, how do I tell her?
“I don’t know, but you better tell her before things go any further.”
“I know. Do you have any suggestions?”
“Don’t get me involved in this, please,” she demanded.
“I believe I can handle it. I’ve been preparing myself to be dumped,” I stated
“I don’t know if I would go that far,” she replied.
“You don’t think she would.”
“I couldn’t say, but I know she’s crazy in love with you.”
“I’m crazy in love with her also. Will you give me an honest answer to a question?” I asked.
“If I can.”
“What do you really think of me? I mean what kind of person do you
think I am. Be totally honest, I can handle the truth,” I asked to
see if she had sensed any dishonesty.
“I think you and Sue are a perfect couple. I think you’re crazy and
unpredictable, in a fun way. Jennifer and I love being around you!
You seem to be a sweet lovable person,” she answered.
“I know that you and Sue are like sisters and tell each other everything.
What does she say about me, I mean any negative things?” I asked.
“The only thing negative thing she speaks of is that you won’t talk about
your past. But she says you will tell her when you get ready.”
“Bess, that person you just described, he doesn’t exist and hasn’t for a long time,” I stated.
“What do you mean?”
“I had my heart ripped out by a girl I loved more than anything and it affects
the way I think now. You might say I have been hiding my true feelings.”
“Your hurting now but you will get over it!” She stated.
“Maybe, maybe not for a long time. That is one thing, but something
else happened to me that controls my life even more. I can’t tell you
about it and please don’t ask. I know I won’t be able to get over it
for a long time, maybe never,” I explained.
“Will you do one thing for me?” She asked.
“Sure!”
“She worships the ground you walk on, don’t rip her heart out, please!”
“I love her and I’m trying not to. Would you not say anything until
I have a chance to talk to her?” I asked hoping she would understand.
“My lips are sealed.”
“Would you do something for me?” I asked.
“Sure, what!” She asked.
“I’m asking you and Jen to not to hate me and to take care of her when I’m
gone. I have a very strong feeling I’m not going to make it back.
You two have always been so nice to me and I love you for it.”
“What if nothing happens and you do come back? What then?”
“I can’t assume that when I feel I won’t. Remember this. She’s
the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love her so much.
Sometimes she might wonder if I ever did love her. Would you tell her
in a way that she will know I did?”
“You can tell her when you write.”
“No. She lost David over there and I’m not going to ask her to go through
that again. When I leave, I’m not going to give her anything to hope
for.”
“That’s not right!”
“Yes it is, think about it! Which would do her more harm? If
she waited in hope of me returning and I was killed like David or if she
just remembered that I loved her and go on with her life?”
“If you were killed would probably be worst but you can’t know that for sure.”
“What if I were to tell you that I have no fear of death and that I’m a risk taker, would that help you to understand me?”
“Are you like that?”
“Yes.”
“Then I don’t know what else to say.”
“She might hang on for awhile but everyone lets go sooner or later.
Please believe me when I say I wish things were different.”
“I believe you. I know you love her and I also wish things were different.”
“Thank you. You are so sweet,” I said, putting my arm around and hugging
her. “We better go in, Jennifer will think we’re talking about her,”
I said, joking.
“You are so crazy, come on!” She said laughing.
Monday I had been on a test flight and returned at seven o’clock that evening.
I called Sue and told her I was back and would be home in awhile. Earlier
that morning I had talked to the CO, pressing him for answers; he said it
wouldn’t be long before I heard something. I knew it was time to tell
her. I knew when it came down to it I wasn’t going to be with her much
longer. I knew she wouldn’t want there to be the possibility of losing
two people. Therefore, I had to get of that mind-set. I didn’t
want to be cold-blooded because she was the most pure-hearted person I had
known. I couldn’t do that to her, even as callus as I was feeling.
I was glad for the time I had with her.
I drove to her room and sat around awhile. The more I thought about
it I knew it would be better to tell her now so she could make up her mind
what she wanted to do. I didn’t want her to dump me but I was ready
for it when she did.
I asked her to sit next to me. “A while back when I went home I told
you that I had some things to sort out. Well one of those things was
I’m going to Vietnam.”
“No! No! You can’t, I won’t let you,” she cried out. I
took her in my arms. She continued crying and saying. “You can’t
go. If you go I’ll hate you!” She cried for the longest in my
arms before she finally calmed down. I didn’t want to say anything
while she was crying because it would upset her even more. I wanted
to give her an easy way out.
“If you want to tell me to get the hell out, now is the time. I could
handle it now, but I may not be able to later. What ever you want me
to do I will,” I explained not knowing what to expect.
“I don’t want you to leave, I want us to get married,” she cried out.
“Oh Shit! I thought.”
“Sue, There is a one hundred percent possibility that I’m going to Vietnam soon, and you want me to marry you?” I asked.
“Yes! I want us to get married tomorrow!” She replied.
“We can’t do that. You’ll change your mind in a week after you think about it.”
“No I won’t, I’ve thought about for a long time now. Haven’t you?” She asked.
“Yes, but circumstances have changed. Look, we have plenty of time to talk about it later.”
“Do you want to marry me? I’m asking you to marry me!” She stated.
“It’s not what I want, it’s what I don’t want. I might not come back.
I don’t want you to be a widow the second time. Think about that!
Please, let’s discuss it tomorrow,” she put her head on my chest without
answering.
“There is something else I want to talk to you about,” I hesitated, waiting
for her response, but she said nothing. “You have asked me questions
about my past. I will tell you that I had my heart ripped out by someone,
and it still hurts,” I said, as she looked up in my eyes.
“I’m sorry it happened to you. If you let me, I know I can make it go away. ” I kissed her on the forehead.
“Something else happened, not long after. I can’t tell you what, but it screwed my head up and I may never get over it.”
“Please tell me, I want to help.”
“It was something that happened between my Father and I. I can’t tell you.”
“I lost David and you have helped me,” she replied.
“It wasn’t so much losing my father, you’re going to have to trust me when
I say that no one can help me with this. I have to deal with it myself.
We didn’t speak much that evening. That night we made love, but I sensed
anxiety. The following day after work, I went to a local club and had
a beer and shot pool until eight. I was sitting alone at a table thinking
about everything. I was mostly thinking of Sue. I wished I would
have known her before Christi. I was beginning to miss her already.
I realized I love her and it was tearing me apart because I knew what I had
to do. If somehow I were to come back, would she really be here for
me and would I want her to wait. I knew going to Vietnam and back wouldn’t
justify what I had done to dad. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t.
I’m sorry dad I began thinking. I would have to die. I couldn’t
think straight. I began to realize that I was punishing myself, but
I couldn’t live with myself any other way.
I left the bar still thinking of dad and cried some on the way. I went
up to her room and she was asleep. After I had gotten out of the shower,
I turned the television on and watched for a while to take my mind off things.
“Are you coming to bed?” She asked.
“I thought you were asleep, I’ll be there shortly,” I replied. I watched
television for another thirty minutes then went and sat on the edge of the
bed.
“Hold Me,” she said.
I removed my robe and got under the covers. She moved next to me, facing
me with my arm under her head. We lay together awhile without speaking.
Her body felt good next to mine. Her leg was lying over my stomach
as though she were trying to bond us closer together. She began rubbing
me with the inside of her thigh. I buried my face in her hair.
“You smell good,” I said, thinking she always did.
“Where were you tonight, I was worried?” She asked.
“I went to Denny’s bar and had a beer to think things out,” I explained. She didn’t question me further about it.
I pulled her on top of me as I began kissing her neck. She moved her
mouth to mine and began sucking my lips and kissing me. I ran my hands
up and down her back feeling her skin that felt soft and smooth to my touch.
Reaching under her, I cradled her breast with the palms of my hand.
We made love as if it were the last time. Afterwards we lie quietly,
mentioning only about going to dinner at her parents house tomorrow evening
and fell asleep.
I enjoyed the next few weeks as much or more than any other time in my life except when I was thinking of Vietnam.
She was always so perfect in every way. I could see how life could
be wonderful with her. Her devotion to our relationship seemed natural.
I could see it as I watched her. Sometimes I would be in front of the
television, pretending to be watching, but I would be looking at her.
As she cleaned or rearrange things in the room, there would be a glow about
her. I loved watching her while she carried on about the things she
did, while humming a tune or singing. I had never known a girl that
looked at life with such a beautiful heart. It even crossed my mind
that I never thought this way about Christi. Sue had put no conditions
on her love for me.
How do I break it off!
In Middle September, I finally received orders to Vietnam. I was to
go on leave for a month that would be in one week and be in Vietnam in late
October. What I waited for had finally come, but now I had to tell
her. I knew this was going to be tough but I hoped she would finally
realize that it was over between us.
I had gone to the enlisted club with David to drink a few beers. I
thought that would numb me enough so I could tell her. David continued
teasing me if I didn’t marry her I was crazy and he would ask her himself.
He had no idea what was in my heart so he couldn’t understand why I was doing
this. He tried so hard to change my mind but finally, I told him I
would be gone soon and I didn’t give a fuck what he did then.
I drove to her room, went up, and kissed her as I normally did. I sat
on the couch and watched television until I had gotten the nerve to say something.
She was cleaning the kitchen.
“We need to talk. Come here and sit down,” I said, as she turned to
look at me hesitating as I could see fear in her eyes. As she walked
closer, she began crying and sat next to me. I turned facing her with
my arm over the couch and looked into her eyes and hesitated a moment.
“My orders are in. I’m going to Vietnam.”
“Jay, I haven’t said anything to you lately. I wanted to give you time
because I knew I couldn’t push you into marrying me. I love you and
I want us to be together. I will do what ever you want. If you
want me to wait, I’ll wait,” she explained.
“It wouldn’t do you any good to wait, I know in my heart I’m not coming back.”
“You can’t know that! No one can know that! I promise I will wait for you. I will write you every day!”
“No! Don’t write! I will not write you back. I know in
my heart I’m not coming back!” I said, almost crying myself.
It was tearing me up inside for what I was doing to her. I got up to
get all my things together and packed them in my duffel bag.
“Jay, don’t leave me like this,” she said with a low sweet voice.
“Sue, right now my mind is fucked up, I can’t explain it any clearer than I already have,” I replied.
She sat on the couch with the dishtowel covering her face as I got my things
and walked to the door. I opened it and stepped out to leave as she
came to the door. I kissed her and took a couple steps down.
“Jay!” She shouted and continued to cry.
I stopped to look back at her as she stood with an almost angelic look about her. “I love you, marry me!”
I hesitated as I thought for a moment. “I love you too, but I can’t,
I won’t make it back!” I said, and continued going down the steps.
“I promise! I’ll be here when you come back!” She said crying.
After getting in my car and driving off, I almost cried for what I had done
to her. However, I justified everything by my intentions. I didn’t
call or see her anymore.