Spread Legs and Spam
Authors Note: This is a spoof written in the style of Dr. Suess, the children's author.
I opened my e-mail
And the first thing I see
Is the face of a pervert
Staring through the screen at me.
The pervert smiled brightly
As he took over the display
He grinned even wider
Then started to sway.
“I have what you need!”
He shouted with glee.
“Just open this link,
What a sight you will see”
“No, no” I exclaimed
Preparing to click
“The sites you are hawking,
will sure make me sick”
“Just try it, just try it.
Get your willie in hand!
Just try it, Just once!
It’s Spread Legs and Spam!”
“Begone!” I sputtered
To the pervert named Stan.
“For I’m sure I won’t like
your Spread Legs and Spam”
“Just look, just once!
Bald pussy for free”
And see her with a dildo
For just a small fee.”
“Forget what you want.
I’ve got what you need
With movies like these
You’ll be spilling your seed”
“You’re blocking my mail”
I told the pervert named Stan
“and trying my patience
With you Spread Legs and Spam”
“I have Viagra,
For you poor wilted dick,
An instant big hard-on
With just a quick click”
“I can erase your debt
And give a fresh start
I’ve even got machines
To jump-start you heart”
“Six inches I can add
To your tiny small cock
And then something to look at
While you stroke ‘round the clock”
“What you are selling
Is what I don’t need
Just go away”
I started to plead
“Wait! Don’t delete!”
Stan gave a shout
“I have your preference here
I’ll just bring it out”
“A gang bang with Granny
Or perhaps midget sex,
What you really want
Will be coming up next”
“Girls sucking horses
maybe dogs and some mules
That should get the blood flowing
To the ol’ family jewels”
Tired of his trash
I started to grin
I knew the solution
To be well rid of him.
Mass deletion was called for
To wipe out his sick face
But soon there would be
Plenty more in it’s place.
“Fuck yourself Stan”
I shouted with glee
“Never again will you show
Your face around me”
A filter I installed
Over the objections of Stan
Now I am happy without
The “Spread Legs and Spam”
Copyright 2003 Heathen