Autumn is settling in and bringing cooler weather here in New York,
the morning air clean and crisp. Like biting into an apple I breathe
in deeply, grateful for the gift of life and health, for family and
friends, for peace of mind and heart. It is a new season and I
embrace it fully without regret, leaving the heat and humidity and
raging summer sun easily behind. I am more a spring/fall person
anyway, basking in moderate climates much more readily... out of my
element in the extreme weather.
Like the change in seasons I think we all experience seasons within
our own lives... like it or not, they come and we can choose to make
the best of them and be aware and participate as fully as we are
able
in what each season brings, or we can pretend nothing is different,
nothing is changing and let life and our own being rush past us and
feel alone and isolated even from ourselves.
God, I hate change myself. *smiles* Usually am kicking and screaming
resisting all the way, only to find once I finally calm down and
quit
bitching that the new "season" being presented holds much more
promise and gifts beyond my imagining..... far better and richer
than
I would ever have thought to ask for. If I had kept my eyes tightly
shut and my hands fisted in stubborn resistance I could not see the
gifts, could not reach out and explore and experience them...
I am lucky in many ways... the Higher Power whatever we may wish to
name or attempt to conceive Love as in human form... that Loving
Force has often pushed me to face new seasons against my fearful
instincts.... shoving me hard, tearing things from my untrusting
grasp so my hands are forced open, removing persons or things from
my
life and forcing me to move beyond familiar circles and nests to
seek
renewal and healing, always learning more about myself in the
process.
Now that I'm older I am more cooperative in the process of changing
seasons within my life, and I am able to let go sooner... though
still I am immensely stubborn and proud and still I am surprised by
how much beauty and gift there is in the world to be discovered and
cherished... by world now I mean in my fellow human beings, my
S/sisters and yes a few brothers. Sometimes even in those I have
known all my life, my family, suddenly I find myself realizing as if
for the first time, how very precious the person is and how dear.
My father is dying... he has perhaps 6 months, perhaps longer... but
he has cancer, discovered this past June, discovered further in July
to have metastasized from the esophagus to the liver... he is 70. I
have never thought of myself as being very close to him, in fact had
often thought well when he dies it will be no big deal, I'm much
closer to my mom... well what did I know *laughs softly* about my
heart? I have a lot to learn.
The point of telling all of you this, is that more and more over the
past few months as I watch him changing, stripped suddenly of the
life and health and energy he enjoyed and identified with... to a
man
who is now very weak, yet more at peace and able to speak from his
heart than ever in his life, a gentle tender man who is choosing to
let go of much resentment and bitterness he had held for years and
cling instead to those he loves and cherishes, to nature and
positive
forces rather than despair and complaint. And I am suddenly meeting
the father I always longed for and hadn't seen too often underneath
all the fear and defenses we so often let cloud our true nature.
The post I wrote on 9-11 was very much influenced by the change of
seasons I am experiencing in my life and particularly by the
deepening bond between my father and myself... and it touches every
area of my life, every relationship. It is easier to walk away from
ties that are not healthy for me, for persons and behaviors or
environments that do not promote harmony and positive energy... and
easier to walk away without resentment or defensiveness or regret.
My heart is wide open in many ways, more so than it has ever been
before. Yes I am still selfish and waste a lot of time worrying
about things that are really unimportant, worrying what others might
say or think or do... such things are beyond my control. I choose to
move forward into a new season and take each day as it comes, the
best I can, with those who wish to share in it.
Thank you all for listening... it is a gift I appreciate deeply. If
anyone wishes to share about change in life or "life seasons" I
would
love to hear from you.
~ Erica