The December 2001
Silver Clitorides Awards
Presentation
A haze slowly coalesces into what appears to be a jeep with a locomotive body connected to a chain of carts with seats and a surrey top. Painted on the "engine" are the words "Conch Train". A flag rising from the back of the jeep proudly proclaims the Conch Republic. All the seats on the "train" are filled with confused people.
"Hi, I'm Gary Jordan and I'd like to welcome you Ladies, Gentlemen, and Others, to the Conch Train, Key West, Florida's 90 minute tour of the sights of Key West, and for today only, host of the December Silver Clitorides Awards Presentation. Many of you already know the driver -er, engineer, Louis the Leprechaun, but for those who don't, I've provided links at the bottom of the presentation for your enjoyment.
"If you look to the passengers seated around you, you might be startled to recognize them from Father Ignatius' ASSDer's Mental Images Page. That's why I'm wearing this silly 'crackerjack' sailor suit, for example, and looking so much younger than my AARP Card would imply.
"If you don't recognize the person next to you, chances are you're surrounded by fans and readers. Be polite; one of them might be yours. And if you look very carefully at someone you have met or exchanged pictures with, you'll find them dissolving into the correct image, at short range."
Gary reaches into a briefcase and removes a trophy and a framed certificate. "Before we start the tour, I've a little old business to conduct. When I was receiving votes for the December Awards, there were so many that I decided to create subdirectories by story name and save the e-mails voting for that story to that subdirectory. Then I could just count the e-mails instead of re-opening and re-reading each one."
The young sailor's cheeks gradually become more ruddy. "I decided to extend the scheme to the previous months as well. When I finished, I found that there was a teensy-weensy clerical error. Without further ado, the Co-winner of the November Silver Clitorides Award is Haunted by Jordan Shelbourne. Jordan, when we stop at Sloppy Joe's bar, let me buy you a beverage of your choice by way of apology."
Muttering something about "hands on Volkswagons," the Leprechaun jams the transmission of the Conch Train's "engine" into gear, causing a lurch to travel to each successive car in the "train" in turn, and Gary hastily continues, "We're starting the tour now, so please keep your arms and legs and other protuberances inside the cars at all times.
"Since this is a magical train, we don't need to follow the normal tour path. We can skip some of the lesser sights and go straight to some of the more popular points. So let's see a show of hands. Who wants to see the Key West Aquarium?" A couple of hands. "The Turtle Kraals?" One extremely enthusiastic leg is raised and waving. "Sorry, Kenny, maybe later. The Hemingway House?" A definite majority of hands, wings, and other things rises. "Louis, if you please?"
The Conch Train lurches forward somewhat less than smoothly as a fog envelopes the coaches. "Since this is a magical train, we aren't constrained by matters of time or space; when we arrive, Papa will be inside working on one of his stories." Gary observes a number of eyes lighting up, some lips being licked, and at least one pair of panties being discarded. He rolls his eyes and reconsiders mentioning the old Cuban Bordello.
After 85 minutes of what is supposed to be a 90 minute tour, Gary rounds up the last of the wayward writers and instructs Louis to get them to Sloppy Joe's. The bar was prominently displayed in an old movie, "Beneath the 12-mile Reef". The conch train arrives after filming those scenes, but before the actors have left the island. Inside, Robert Wagner, Terry Moore, Gilbert Roland, Richard Boone, Peter Graves and J. Carrol Naish are rubbing elbows with some of the local wreckers and shrimpers.
"Before everyone gets too drunk to remember, I'd like to announce the winners of the December Silver Clitorides Awards," Gary hollers. The plural starts a general murmur, broken by Richard Boone yelling, "Silver Clit-rides? What kind of pussy award is that?"
Two trophies and two framed certificates in hand, Gary announces, "And the winners are...
"Monsters by Alexis Siefert and Twelve Nights by Wiseguy!"
Gary shakes Wiseguy's hand and kisses Alexis' cheek as they take their awards. The authors are swept away in a crowd of congratulatory handshakes, kisses, pinches, backslaps and buttslaps. Gary searches out Jordan Shelbourne for that conciliatory drink, as the bar fades into haze...
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/MariaGonzales/www/fantasy/passengers.html
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/MariaGonzales/www/fantasy/intro.html
http://www.conchtourtrain.com/FrontPage.htm
http://www.conchtourtrain.com/Images/map%20(Large).jpg
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/FatherIgnatius/www/Images.html
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