Chapter 4
Ms. McCrae had been about to stand up, but she flopped back into her chair with a shocked look on her face. For a moment she just looked at Paula and me.
"Paula, don't tell me you and CJ have done something stupid?" She said slowly and distinctly.
"Well, we had sex." Paula's voice was a whisper.
"Well, of course you had sex! Any fool could see that in the way you walk right now. You've probably had sex several times today alone. What I was wondering is if you've been taking your birth control pills?"
"No Mom, I was afraid that if I did, maybe I'd never have even a daughter because I might do it at the wrong time. I mean there was the curse and I . . . Omigosh, I feel so silly."
"Oh, Paula!" She shook her head. "And, CJ, just where the hell was your head at? Didn't you even ask about protection?"
I shook my head slowly and suddenly I saw Paula bristle and sit up straight.
"Mom, he didn't think about it right away and neither did I, Then when we did think about it, I told him not to worry. It's certainly not his fault."
"I should have insisted, I guess." I came to her aid. "The first time took me totally by surprise, but after that we both thought about it and Paula was so insistent that . . ."
Ms. McCrae waved her hand in dismissal. "So how long has this been going on, two days? A week? What?"
"Oh no Mom, just today. We started this morning. I darn near raped him."
"What?" Her face was a study in surprise. "You started it?"
"Well, not really. We've been in the same class all year, so I sort of knew CJ to see and to say hello to, stuff like that. I knew he was a nice guy." Paula blushed. " Today was just circumstance, what with him falling and all. Then I felt so bad about making him feel uncomfortable and . . . Well, things just happened."
"So, how many times have you . . . No, don't answer that." Ms. McCrae sighed.
Then she simply looked at the two of us for several long seconds and slowly shook her head.
Finally she spoke slowly. "CJ, please don't take this as a condemnation of you in any way, but I think I should take Paula with me tonight to see Sydney, and I'm afraid that you might feel somewhat uncomfortable if you were with us."
"Mom!" Paula protested. "What can Sydney do?"
"You know as well as I do that she's a gynaecologist. If anyone would know how to talk to you, she should. On top of that she'd know if there is anything we should do."
"Mom, if I'm pregnant, it's my body and like you said before, I'm old enough to make my own decisions." Paula said firmly. "I don't want to go somewhere and have an examination of some sort, not tonight."
"Paula, you aren't being reasonable." Ms. McCrae frowned. "What do you know about pregnancy and motherhood?"
"Mom, what did you know about raising kids when you got pregnant?" Paula snapped. "From what you've told me, you made even worse decisions than this would be."
"So you're refusing my offer of assistance?"
"No, Mother, what I'm refusing is your demand that I live my life to suit you. Look, just because you can buy a 'morning after' pill freely here in BC, doesn't mean I want to use it. That's probably what Sydney will recommend." Paula said loudly. "I just don't want to screw around with my body and throw a bunch of hormones at it to regulate something that's working fine right now."
"Oh, Paula!" Mrs. McCrae sighed deeply. "I just want what's best for you."
"I know that, Mom. I also know that this is one decision that you can't make for me. This decision is for me to make. Well actually, for CJ and me. We have discussed it some."
"But you were stubborn." I said quietly.
"Oh, he has a voice after all." Mrs. McCrae snapped. "So CJ, what is your opinion on this?"
"Yes, Ma'am. I do have a voice and an opinion." I spoke slowly. "I can see you want to try to help your daughter and yet I can see that she wants her independence in this decision. Personally I think I need more information before I could offer an opinion. I wasn't even sure that you could buy a pill that would do what you're suggesting, although I had heard rumours about it."
"Jeez, is your head buried in the sand?" She demanded to know. "Damn men these days, running around screwing girls and to hell with the consequences."
"MOTHER!" Paula protested.
"Paula, this one is mine." I growled, growing annoyed.
I stood up and stood behind my chair, grasping the back with both hands, then looked directly into Mrs. McCrae's eyes.
"When I awoke this morning, I was a very shy virgin who had never had to even think about contraception. At that time, I felt the odds were about a million to one that there was any chance of me ever having sex. Now I have a girlfriend that I feel wonderful about, but whom I may have gotten pregnant through my lack of knowledge and sheer carelessness." I sighed slightly and shifted to stand more upright. "We don't know each other well, so whether we stay together as a couple or not, I can't say. Right at this moment, you are not helping me feel that the possibility of our being able to do that is very high. No matter what happens, if Paula is carrying my child, then I want to help raise and support it."
Both of them were staring at me as if I had suddenly grown horns and turned blue.
"Now, Mrs. McCrae, if you wish to help us in our decision, since you know a gynaecologist, then perhaps you could arrange to have her pass on the information that she has about this pill. That way Paula and I can make an intelligent decision. Other than that, since you've made your opinion clear, I think you are only aggravating the situation." I pushed away from the chair and started to move toward the door. "I need to think, so I'm going to go for a walk, without any company please. When I come back, if you still wish to speak to me, you can let me back into the house. Otherwise I will assume that the two of you have made a decision to eliminate me from your determination of further happenings in this regard."
Once I got outside, I found myself shaking with anger and anxiety.
I knew I had left them an ultimatum; either I was consulted in the decision that was made, or else I wasn't involved in any decisions at all. I also knew that I had changed. I didn't know where the feelings that had coursed through me had come from. I didn't know how I had found the strength to say the things I had. I didn't even know where the words had come from.
However I knew that I had to think about what I felt about the whole situation and for me, deep thought was a solitary thing. I had to be alone.
On our way to her home, Paula and I had passed a small park only a few blocks from her house. I walked there, found a seat on a park bench, then tried my best to relax and let my thoughts flow.
I like Paula very much. I liked the way she looked. I liked the way she acted most of the time, but I did have reservations about her thought processes. I felt she was easily led and that bothered me. Her belief in leprechauns was a bit much and I had to shake my head about that. In a way though, even that was a delightful thing, that willingness to believe showed an almost childish belief that I found very refreshing.
Her beliefs reminded me of the spirit world that the Northern Natives spoke of and made me think about my own beliefs. Being raised out in the bush had forced me to look closely at the relationships of all the things to the people around me. It's very easy, when you are completely alone for days on end to begin to believe in things that are untrue or unproven and I'd had to fight to keep myself well grounded in reality several times.
The wilderness had taught me to be cautious and to double check things for certainty. That alone had made me self reliant, yet at the same time it had led me to refrain from trying to force my will onto others and to respect their beliefs, even if I didn't share them. In a way that had made me even more independent, for if you gave respect to others, you quickly learned to expect it to be returned. Where Paula had been led to believe in the little people, I'd learned to believe in what I could prove.
Suddenly I realised what I was doing now and it had little to do with beliefs. I was double checking my own feelings to be certain of the degree of my own desires; desires that had developed in my short relationship with a fascinating woman. In seconds, I knew that there was no way I could abandon the possibility of a relationship with her. My feelings there were certain. That in turn meant I was going to have to consider her deep desire to have children.
Now children were a stumper for me. I hadn't been around kids since I was young myself and felt that I was unqualified to help in almost any way. Then I smiled and thought of what Paula had said to her mother about pregnancy and motherhood. Since Paula felt her mother had been a tyro and yet Paula had turned out like she did, I felt I could learn along with Paula.
As if they had been summoned by my thoughts, two young children came skipping and dancing down the street to run into the little playground at the far end of the park. A young woman followed them down the street and took a seat near them. Her eyes travelled over the surroundings as if she was watching for danger, yet she held back from interfering with their explorations. Meanwhile the two children bounced and ran, slid and swung as they enjoyed the little playground. Their enthusiasm was wonderful to see.
I watched and smiled to myself. I nodded to myself, both in admiration for the way the young woman was handling the care of her children and in the way I thought I should plan on handling any child I was involved with. Yeah, I decided, I could handle being around kids.
Suddenly it dawned on me that I'd been sitting there, simply relaxing, while Paula and her mother were probably waiting for me to come back and be involved in important decisions. Instead of watching others, I needed to make my mind up about what I wanted to do. I was berating myself for allowing my mind to wander when I realised that I'd made the only important decisions that I had to make. Other than the fact that I wanted to be with Paula and the conclusion that I felt I could grow into being a decent parent, I really had no other worries that needed to be solved at this time.
Getting to my feet in order to return to the house, I waved to the two kids and smiled at their guardian as I passed them.
Not long after I had begun walking back toward the McCrae house, I was passed by a very sporty looking silver-grey convertible. I watched as the driver suddenly braked and pulled into the curb, then turned to stare at me. I stared right back at her, but I had a good reason. She was very black and very beautiful. When she smiled, I couldn't help smiling in return and as I approached the car, she leaned over and opened the door on the passenger's side of the car.
"Hello. I believe you must be CJ." Her soft throaty voice caressed my ears. "My name is Sydney, can we talk for a moment?"
"Sydney? But, you're a woman?" I gasped, then I felt myself blush.
"I certainly hope so." Her chuckle was a rumble that set off feelings that made me want to smile and laugh as well.
As I stood there, completely astonished, her expression changed as she realised Paula's mother must have told me that Sydney was her lover. Then since Ms McCrae hadn't specifically said she was a woman, I'd jumped to the conclusion that Sydney was a man's name. She glanced around for an instant, then grinned and leaned my direction.
"Neither Aileen nor I are averse to the attentions of men, but we like women too." She whispered, then her face broke into a broad grin. "However, it was really your love life that I was hoping to talk about."
I just stared at her for a minute, still standing beside the car, then I made up my mind to trust her to some extent. "I suppose you mean Paula?"
"Yes, I do and I can understand why she's quite taken with you. The combination of shyness and rugged good looks would be exactly what she'd like in a man. Now, do you trust me enough to get into my car so we can talk?"
I shrugged and slid into the passenger's seat. That's when I suddenly realised that Sydney was exceptionally tall, even sitting down in the car, she towered over me. Sitting down as we were, my eyes were about even with her shoulders.
"Wow, I see why you own a convertible." I said blatantly as I looked up at her face. "You'd get a kink in your neck in a hardtop."
The puzzled look on her face changed to a smile as she realised what I meant and she actually giggled like a school girl.
"Well, you are refreshingly original." She snorted after a second, trying to get her giggles under control. "I think Paula may have found herself a diamond in the rough."
"No. I think I did, but then that's what my family used to do, so it's no surprise." I grinned, deciding that I'd try the same mildly twisted humour with her that I used when I was with my mother.
"Pardon me?" She frowned slightly.
"There are diamond mines in the far North and one of them was discovered by my father." I grinned. "As prospectors, we were the people who hunted for those 'diamonds in the rough'."
Her laughter was beautiful to hear, just like her voice. When she calmed down, she looked at me rather like I was something for sale in a shop window and she was assessing me. I decided to throw her a curve.
"One day would you pose so I can draw your face?" I asked quietly, but with a slight smile, knowing that I was changing the subject.
"What?" She looked astonished and gave a tiny shake her head, as if she'd been jerked awake in surprise.
"I'll explain." I laughed. "In the art class where Paula and I met, we have an assignment to do a portrait. I thought you would be a very suitable model."
"I would have thought you had a model. What about Paula?" She blushed and it was interesting to see a blush on someone with such dark skin.
"The image burned into my mind of Paula's face is from an instant that I doubt anyone could mistake." I answered and found that it was my turn to blush, but at least I was able to grin at the thought.
"Oh." She snorted through another giggle. "I have a hard time imagining that somehow. Paula has always seemed so quiet and pure to me."
"I think there's a side of Paula that you and perhaps even her mother don't know at all."
"We're finding that out." She admitted quietly. "I was expecting to spend a quiet evening with Aileen. Instead, just before I was leaving my office, she called me and asked me to drop over here. It seems her daughter needs to discuss the morning after pill with me."
"I think you have that wrong. Ms. McCrae wants to discuss the morning after pill, but I doubt that Paula does."
"I see, and what about you?"
"Well, it's something I don't know anything about, so if you want to talk about it, I'll listen." I shrugged my shoulders.
"You aren't worried about whether Paula gets pregnant or not?"
"I didn't say that." I shook my head, suddenly deciding that I was being pushed and at the moment I didn't want to be forced into anything. "What I implied was that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks; I know that Paula has a mind of her own and will make her own decisions. Her mother's opinions may influence her. Your opinions may influence her. My opinions may influence her. However, the final decision of whether Paula gets pregnant or not depends on what she decides."
"So you don't care one way or the other what she decides?"
"I didn't say that either."
"Well, just what did you mean."
"Exactly what I said. Paula will make up her own mind."
She just stared at me, so I shook my head again.
"You and her mother don't seem to realise that Paula has her own mind and her own schedule of what she wants to do with her life and her body." I turned and thought about getting out of the car, then turned back to her. "Both of you seem to be treating her as if she is a child and neither of you seem to think much of my opinions either. What Paula and I do is our business, not yours. We had sex. We made a mistake and did not use any form of contraceptive. We are the ones who must decide what to do about that mistake. Ultimately however, the decision is still hers, not mine, not her mother's and certainly not yours, not unless you know of some medical reason why having a child would be damaging to Paula's health."
"Perhaps it wouldn't be damaging to her health, but it certainly might be damaging to her happiness." Sydney snapped.
"Oh, I doubt that very much. Paula wants a child badly. In fact I think she'd be happy to have two or three children, perhaps more."
"And what about you?"
"What about me?"
"Do you want a child?"
"Perhaps, but that's not your business and in this case, it's not my decision. I've already done the part of it which seems to be causing you to be upset, but that's over and done with." I frowned at her. "I'll accept whatever Paula decides."
"But what do you want to do?"
"That is not your business! As far as I'm concerned, nothing I do is your business. I'm willing to listen to your opinions, but I don't have to agree with them. I am legally an adult and so is Paula. Our decisions will be made after we are certain that we the information necessary to make those decisions." I said firmly, then opened the car door and stepped out. "Now, I think perhaps it's best if I walk back to the McCrae house."
"CJ, I didn't mean to make you angry." She said, but I'd already turned and was walking away.
I wasn't even certain why having her ask me about my feelings about Paula were making me so annoyed, but they were. Perhaps it was because I wasn't positive how I felt myself. I didn't even turn my head as Sydney's car drove past me, but she pulled into a driveway directly in front of me and came to a halt. I had to stop walking or run into her car.
I started to frown and I could feel myself getting angry, but she held up a hand and ducked her head off to one side as if being slightly submissive.
"CJ, I apologise. I have no right to grill you about your relationship with Paula, but you must understand that as Aileen's close friend, I am interested in what happens to Aileen and her daughter."
"Paula is a grown woman, so what she and I do is not your business." I shrugged my shoulders. "However, I think I should explain my view of this situation. Ms. McCrae was insisting that Paula needed to see you and Paula refused. Now, Ms. McCrae is using your relationship with her to force Paula to do something she doesn't wish to do by having you come around to the house. I think that stinks. Then on top of that, you stopped me on the street and began to grill me about things that were none of your business. I've tried to be civil, but I'm very rapidly losing any respect I might have had for either you or Ms. McCrae."
"But, Aileen and I just want what's best for . . ."
"Bull Shit!" I said loudly. "Ms. McCrae wants Paula to do what Ms. McCrae wants. She's made up her mind to say fuck what Paula wants or what's best for Paula, she just wants her little corner of the world to run according to her plan. Can't you see that she's using you to put pressure on Paula?"
"Well, I suppose she is, but what about you? Aren't you putting pressure on Paula too?"
"No, but Paula has put pressure on me. I fell down and slid into her, knocking her down, but even after I apologised, she followed me. From that point on, almost anything that has happened has been at her instigation, but don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed being with her and around her. However, the one thing I've tried not to do is to pressure her. Now, if you'll excuse me, I wish to go speak to her, privately."
"Wait, CJ, please explain. Are you asking me not to go to the house and speak to her?"
I paused and thought for a second, then shook my head. "That isn't my business. Ms. McCrae is your friend and I'm certainly not in a position to ask you not to go see her. But after you get there, you are the one who has to make the decision if you want to interfere in her adult child's life."
"Ouch. By adding the word 'adult' to that sentence you made your opinion quite clear and I'm afraid I have to agree with you this time." She shook her head slowly. "I can't believe that anyone could misjudge your character enough to call you shy."
"I am very shy, Ma'am. However so is a wolf, but if you are ever in the woods, don't ever get between a wolf and anything it feels it needs to defend."
"I can understand the analogy." She nodded. "Am I to take it that you feel Paula is someone you want to defend?"
"Well, duh! I thought that's exactly what I'd been doing for the last while." I frowned at her. "I do think Paula and I would both like the information you have, but I know I'd like to get it from a neutral party. If you plan on slanting the information, or lecturing Paula and me about it, I'd like to ask you to reconsider your motives or else skip the talk altogether."
"You realise that Aileen expects me to be anything but neutral, don't you?"
"Does that mean you don't have an opinion of your own?"
"Touché." She laughed. "I think perhaps before I speak to either Paula or you, I'm going to have to speak to Aileen. I have a feeling that she may have misjudged her daughter as well as you."
"Well, thank you for agreeing with me."
"Since we agree, will you accept a ride with me?"
I grinned and got into the car, then was surprised when she held out her right hand toward me.
"Hello, CJ. I'm Sydney and I'm offering to start over. This time I plan on staying in a neutral corner as far as you and Paula are concerned."
"Thanks." I took her hand and shook it. "I'll do the same as far as you and Ms. McCrae are concerned."
"That's wise." Her eyes actually twinkled as she looked both ways before backing onto the street. "Are you calling Aileen 'Ms. McCrae' out of respect or is it because she puts you off in some way?"
"Both, sort of." I sighed. "But really, it's more a matter that she put me off somehow, like she pushed, if you know what I mean. Then too, she put Paula down by implying that Paula was shy and clumsy. I've put up with that crap for years myself and I know it's self reinforcing, so it pisses me off."
"Ouch. I don't think I'd put it to her that way, but if you'd like I can say something to her about it."
"Oh, if something really needs to be said, I'll say it." I grinned. "Remember that wolf?"
"Yes. I remember the wolf." She broke into a grin as we parked in the drive at Paula's place. "I also remember a tale about a wolf in sheep's clothing that may apply in this instance."
I had to laugh and she chuckled, then looked at me questioningly. "Are there really diamond mines in northern Canada?"
"Yes." I grinned.
We were both grinning as we walked up the front walk to the open front door.