Thoughts of a Sleepy Wife
(F/Mm+, cuck, lac, size, verity)

by Kysa Braswell
www.kysaonline.com

Note : These are the sleepy, subconscious, dreamy thoughts of a sleepy woman in bed during the wee hours of the morning. They are neither lucid nor spoken; just thoughts that are random and emergent in a nexus rather than a consecutive, linear narrative. Therefore punctuation is not as important as the word association that characterizes these subconscious moments. The main character, a married woman in her early 30s, is modeled after Chaucer's Wife of Bath.



MY BREASTS ACHE AGAIN FULL FROM MILK I'd like to see a man any man lug around a pair of heavy G-cup breasts for most of his life the curse of me they are but helpful they've been in attracting my lovers something which my husband has never lived up to but what man would turn down these swollen pleasures as I lactate to this very day expressing myself through my breasts my milk my distorted bust Yes because he never did a thing like that before as ask me to get his breakfast in bed with a couple of eggs and use breast milk to make them since the Royal Arms hotel when he used to be pretending to be laid up with a sick voice doing his highness to make himself interesting to that old slut Mrs. Riordan that he thought he had a great leg of and she never left us a farthing all for masses for herself and her soul greatest miser ever was actually afraid to lay out 4d for her mentholated spirit telling me all her ailments she had too much old chat in her about politics and earthquakes and the end of the world let us have a bit of fun first God help the world if all the women were her sort down on bathing suits and low necks of course nobody wanted her to wear I suppose she was pious because no man would look at her twice I hope I'll never be like her a wonder she didn't want us to cover our faces but she was a well-educated woman certainly and her gabby talk about Mr. Riordan here and Mr. Riordan there I suppose he was glad to get shut of her and her dog smelling my fur and always edging to get up under my petticoats especially then still I like that in him polite to old women like that and waiters and beggars too he's not proud out of nothing but not always if ever he got anything really serious the matter with him its much better for them go into a hospital where everything is clean but I suppose I'd have to bring it into him for a month yes and then wed have a hospital nurse next thing on the carpet have him staying there till they throw him out or a nun maybe like the smutty photo he has she's as much a nun as I'm not yes because they're so weak and puling when they're sick they want a woman to get well if his nose bleeds you'd think it was O tragic and that dying-looking one off the south circular when he sprained his foot at the choir party at the sugarloaf Mountain the day I wore that dress Miss Stack bringing him flowers the worst old ones she could find at the bottom of the basket anything at all to get into a mans bedroom with her old maids voice trying to imagine he was dying on account of her to never see thy face again though he looked more like a man with his beard a bit grown in the bed father was the same besides I hate bandaging and dosing when he cut his toe with the razor paring his corns afraid he'd get blood poisoning but if it was a thing I was sick then wed see what attention only of course the woman hides it not to give all the trouble they do yes he came somewhere I'm sure by his appetite anyway love its not or he'd be off his feed thinking of her so either it was one of those night women if it was down there he was really and the hotel story he made up a pack of lies to hide it planning it Hynes kept me who did I meet ah yes I met do you remember Menton and who else who let me see that big baby face I saw him and he not long married flirting with a young girl at Pooles Myriorama and turned my back on him when he slinked out looking quite conscious what harm but he had the impudence to make up to me one time well done to him mouth almighty and his boiled eyes of all the big idiots I ever met and that's called a solicitor only for I hate having a long wrangle in bed or else if its not that its some little bitch or other he got in with somewhere or picked up on the sly if they only knew him as well as I do yes because the day before yesterday he was scribbling something a letter when I came into the front room for the matches to show him Crowe's death in the paper as if something told me and he covered it up with the blotting paper pretending to be thinking about business so very probably that was it to somebody who thinks she has a softy in him because all men get a bit like that at his age especially getting on to forty he is now so as to wheedle any money she can out of him no fool like an old fool and then the usual kissing my bottom was to hide it not that I care two straws who he does it with or knew before that way though I'd like to find out so long as I don't have the two of them under my nose all the time like that slut that Mary we had in Ontario terrace padding out her false bottom to excite him bad enough to get the smell of those painted women off him once or twice I had a suspicion by getting him to come near me when I found the long hair on his coat without that one when I went into the kitchen pretending he was drinking water I woman is not enough for them it was all his fault of course ruining servants then proposing that she could eat at our table on Christmas if you please O no thank you not in my house stealing my potatoes and the oysters $26 per doz going out to see her aunt if you please common robbery so it was but I was sure he had something on with that one it takes me to find out a thing like that he said you have no proof it was her proof O yes her aunt was very fond of oysters but I told her what I thought of her suggesting that I go out to be alone with her I wouldn't lower myself to spy on them the garters I found in her room the Friday she was out that was enough for me a little bit too much I saw too that her face swelled up on her with temper when I gave her her weeks notice better do without them altogether do out the rooms myself quicker only for the damn cooking and throwing out the dirt I gave it to him anyhow either she or me leaves the house I couldn't even touch him if I thought he was with a dirty barefaced liar and slovenly like that one denying it up to my face and singing about the place in the W.C. too because she knew she was too well off yes because he couldn't possibly do without it that long so he must do it somewhere and the last time he came on my bottom when was it the night Vallencourt gave my hand a great squeeze going along by the Tolka in my hand there steals another I just pressed the back of his like that with my thumb to squeeze back singing the young May Moon she's beaming love because he has an idea about him and me he's not such a fool he said I'm dining out and going to the Gaiety though I'm not going to give him the satisfaction in any case God knows he's changed in a way not to be always and ever wearing the same old hat unless he's paid some nice-looking boy to do it since I cant do it myself a young boy would like me I'd confuse him a little alone with him if we were I'd let him see my garters the new ones and make him turn red looking at him seduce him I know what boys feel with that down on their cheek doing that frigging drawing out the thing by the hour question and answer would you do this that and the other with the coalman yes with a bishop yes I would because I told him about some Dean or Bishop was sitting beside me in the Jewish Temple's gardens when I was knitting that wool thing a stranger to Helys what place was it and so on about the monuments and he tired me out with statues encouraging him making him worse than he is who is in your mind now tell me who are you thinking of who is it tell me his name who tell me who the German Emperor is it yes imagine I'm him think of him can you feel him trying to make a little whore of me what he never will he ought to give it up now at this age of his life simply ruination for any woman and no satisfaction in it pretending to like it till he comes and then finish it off myself anyway and it makes your lips pale anyhow its done now once and for all with all the talk of the world about it people make its only the first time after that its just the ordinary do it and think no more about it why cant you kiss a man without going and marrying him first you sometimes love to wildly when you feel that way so nice all over you you cant help yourself I wish some man or other would take me sometime when he's there and kiss me in his arms there's nothing like a kiss long and hot down to your soul almost paralyses you then I hate that confession when I used to go to Father Corrigan he touched me father and what harm if he did where and I said on the canal bank like a fool but whereabouts on your person my child on the leg behind high up was it yes rather high up was it where you sit down yes O Lord couldn't he say bottom right out and have done with it what has that got to do with it and did you whatever way he put it I forget no father and I always think of the real father what did he want to know for when I already confessed it to God he had a nice fat hand the palm moist always I wouldn't mind feeling it neither would he I'd say by the bull neck in his horse collar I wonder did he know me in the box I could see his face he couldn't see mine of course he'd never turn or let on still his eyes were red when his father died they're lost for a woman of course must be terrible when a man cries let alone them I'd like to be embraced by one in his vestments and the smell of incense off him like the pope besides there's no danger with a priest if you're married he's too careful about himself then give something to H.H. the pope for a penance I wonder was he satisfied with me one thing I didn't like his slapping my ass hard going away so familiarly in the hall though I laughed I'm not a horse or an ass am I? I suppose he was thinking of his father I wonder is he awake thinking of me or dreaming am I in it who gave him that flower he said he bought he smelt of some kind of drink not whisky or stout or perhaps the sweetie kind of paste they stick their bills up with some liquor I'd like to sip those rich-looking green and yellow expensive drinks those stage door johnnies drink with the opera hats I tasted one with my finger dipped out of that American that had the squirrel talking stamps with father he had all he could do to keep himself from falling asleep after the last time we took the port and potted meat it had a fine salty taste yes because I felt lovely and tired myself and fell asleep as sound as a top the moment I popped straight into bed till that thunder woke me up as if the world was coming to an end God be merciful to us I thought the heavens were coming down about us to punish when I blessed myself and said a Hail Mary like those awful thunderbolts in Gibraltar and they come and tell you there's no God what could you do if it was running and rushing about nothing only make an act of contrition the candle I lit that evening in White Friars street chapel for the month of May see it brought its luck though he'd scoff if he heard because he never goes to church mass or meeting he says your soul you have no soul inside only grey matter because he doesn't know what it is to have one All the women wanted him, but I had him first because when you carry almost 12 inches between your legs, many a girl will want to try you, and of those who do and can stand the pain of his size, they will do anything to be able to bend over or spread their legs for such a man a real man that is oh my god he ruins you for all other men because their pricks seems so small next to his monstrously beautiful meat that makes all the girls cream and all the women worship at the tip of his enormous cock oh 12 inches will take you to heaven every time, but leave you so stretched that you cannot feel your own husband inside you oh god if only all men were built like my lover, so virile, so potent, so much cum inside his apple-sized testicles waited to fill your womb and mouth with his hot seed yes when I lit the lamp yes because he must have cum 4 or 5 times with that tremendous big red brute of a thing he has I thought the vein or whatever the dickens they call it was going to burst though his nose is not so big after I took off all my things with the blinds down after my hours dressing and perfuming and combing it like iron or some kind of a thick crowbar standing all the time he must have eaten oysters I think a few dozen he was in great singing voice no I never in all my life felt anyone had one the size of that to make you feel full up he must have eaten a whole sheep after what's the idea making us like that with a big hole in the middle of us like a Stallion driving it up into you because that's all they want out of you with that determined vicious look in his eye I had to half shut my eyes still he hasn't such a tremendous amount of spunk in him when I made him pull it out and do it on me considering how big it is so much the better in case any of it wasn't washed out properly the last time I let him finish it in me nice invention they made for women for him to get all the pleasure but if someone gave them a touch of it themselves they'd know what I went through with Nina nobody would believe cutting her teeth too and Mina Purefoys husband give us a swing out of your whiskers filling her up with a child or twins once a year as regular as the clock always with a smell of children off her the one they called budgers or something like a nigger with a shock of hair on it Jesusjack the child is a black the last time I was there a squad of them falling over one another and bawling you couldn't hear your ear supposed to be healthy not satisfied till they have us swollen out like elephants or I don't know what supposing I risked having another not off him though still if he was married I m sure he'd have a fine strong child but I don't know Poldy has more spunk in him yes that'd be awfully jolly I suppose it was meeting Josie Powell and the funeral and thinking about me and Vallencourt set him off well he can think what he likes now if that'll do him any good I know they were spooning a bit when I came on the scene he was dancing and sitting out with her the night of Georgina Simpson's housewarming and then he wanted to ram it down my neck on account of not liking to see her a wallflower that was why we had the standup row over politics he began it not me when he said about Our Lord being a carpenter at last he made me cry of course a woman is so sensitive about everything I was fuming with myself after for giving in only for I knew he was gone on me and the first socialist he said He was he annoyed me so much I couldn't put him into a temper still he knows a lot of mixed up things especially about the body and the insides I often wanted to study up that myself what we have inside us in that family physician I could always hear his voice talking when the room was crowded and watch him after that I pretended I had on a coolness with her over him because he used to be a bit on the jealous side whenever he asked who are you going to and I aid over to McCabe and he made me the present of Lord Byron's poems and the three pairs of gloves so that finished that I could quite easily get him to make it up any time I know how I'd even supposing he got in with her again and was going out to see her somewhere I'd know if he refused to eat the onions I know plenty of ways ask him to tuck down the collar of my blouse or touch him with my veil and gloves on going out 1 kiss then would send them all spinning however all right well seen then let him go to her she of course would only be too delighted to pretend she's mad in love with him that I wouldn't so much mind I'd just go to her and ask her do you love him and look her square in the eyes she couldn't fool me but he might imagine he was and make a declaration with his plabbery kind of a manner to her like he did to me though I had the devils own job to get it out of him though I liked him for that it showed he could hold in and wasn't to be got for the asking he was on the pop of asking me too the night in the kitchen I was rolling the potato cake there's something I want to say to you only for I put him off letting on I was in a temper with my hands and arms full of pasty flour in any case I let out too much the night before talking of dreams so I didn't want to let him know more than was good for him she used to be always embracing me Josie whenever he was there meaning him of course gloaming me over and when I said I washed up and down as far as possible asking me did you wash possible the women are always egging on to that putting it on thick when he's there they know by his sly eye blinking a bit putting on the indifferent when they come out with something the kind he is what spoils him I don't wonder in the least because he was very handsome at that time trying to look like lord Byron I said I liked though he was too beautiful for a man and he was a little before we got engaged afterwards though she didn't like it so much the day I was in fits of laughing with the giggles I couldn't stop about all my hairpins falling one after another with the mass of hair I had you're always in great humor she said yes because it grigged her because she knew what it meant because I used to tell her a good bit of what went on between us not all but just enough to make her mouth water but that wasn't my fault she didn't darken the door much after we were married I wonder what she's got like now after living with that dotty husband of hers she had her face beginning to look drawn and run down the last time I saw her she must have been just after a row with him because I saw on the moment she was edging to draw down a conversation about husbands and talk about him to run him down what was it she told me O yes that sometimes he used to go to bed with his muddy boots on when the maggot takes him just imagine having to get into bed with a thing like that that might murder you any moment what a man well its not the one way everyone goes mad Poldy anyway whatever he does always wipes his feet on the mat when he comes in wet or shine and always blacks his own boots too and he always takes off his hat when he comes up in the street like that and now he's going about in his slippers to look for $10,000 for a postcard up up O Sweetheart May wouldn't a thing like that simply bore you stiff to extinction actually too stupid even to take his boots off now what could you make of a man like that I'd rather die 20 times over than marry another of their sex of course he'd never find another woman like me to put up with him the way I do know me come sleep with me yes and he knows that too at the bottom of his heart take that Mrs. Maybrick that poisoned her husband for what I wonder in love with some other man yet it was found out on her wasn't she the downright villain to go and do a thing like that of course some men can be dreadfully aggravating drive you mad and always the worst word in the world what do they ask us to marry them for if were so bad as all that comes to yes because they cant get on without us white Arsenic she put in his tea off flypaper wasn't it I wonder why they call it that if I asked him he'd say its from the Greek leave us as wise as we were before she must have been madly in love with the other fellow to run the chance of being hanged O she didn't care if that was her nature what could she do besides they're not brutes enough to go and hang a woman surely are they.

They're all so different Vallencourt talking about the shape of my foot he noticed at once even before he was introduced when I was in the DBC with Poldy laughing and trying to listen I was waggling my foot we both ordered 2 teas and plain bread and butter I saw him looking with his two old maids of sisters when I stood up and asked the girl where it was what do I care with it dropping out of me and that black closed breeches he made me buy takes you half an hour to let them down wetting all myself always with some brand new fad every other week such a long one I did I forgot my suede gloves on the seat behind that I never got after some robber of a woman and he wanted me to put it in the Newfoundland Times lost in the ladies' lavatory DBC Dame street finder return to Mrs. Rita Braswell and I saw his eyes on my feet going out through the turning door he was looking when I looked back and I went there for tea 2 days after in the hope but he wasn't now how did that excite him because I was crossing them when we were in the other room first he meant the shoes that are too tight to walk in my hand is nice like that if I only had a ring with the stone for my month a nice aquamarine I'll stick him for one and a gold bracelet I don't like my foot so much still I made him spend once with my foot the night after Goodwins fuckup of a concert so cold and windy it was well we had that rum in the house to mull and the fire wasn't black out when he asked to take off my thigh-hi stockings lying on the hearthrug in Lombard street well and another time it was my muddy boots he'd like me to take off my panties and flash my bush at every little boy I could find I could find but of course he's not natural like the rest of the world that I what did he say I could give 9 points in 10 to Katty Lanner and beat her what does that mean I asked him I forget what he said because the stop press edition just passed and the man with the curly hair in the Lucan dairy that's so polite I think I saw his face before somewhere I noticed him when I was tasting the butter so I took my time Bartell d'Arcy too that he used to make fun of when he commenced kissing me on the choir stairs after I sang Gounod's Ave Maria what are we waiting for O my heart kiss me straight on the brow and part which is my brown part he was pretty hot for all his tinny voice too my low notes he was always raving about if you can believe him I liked the way he used his mouth singing then he said wasn't it terrible to do that there in a place like that I don't see anything so terrible about it I'll tell him about that some day not now and surprise him ay and I'll take him there and show him the very place too we did it so now there you are like it or lump it he thinks nothing can happen without him knowing he had not an idea about my mother till we were engaged otherwise he'd never have got me so cheap as he did he was 10 times worse himself anyhow begging me to give him a tiny bit cut off my panties that was the evening coming along Kenilworth square he kissed me in the eye of my glove and I had to take it off asking me questions is it permitted to inquire the shape of my bedroom so I let him keep it as if I forgot it to think of me when I saw him slip it into his pocket of course he's mad on the subject of panties that's plain to be seen always skeezing at those brazen-faced things on the bicycles with their skirts blowing up to their navels even when Nina and I were out with him at the open air fete that one in the cream muslin standing right against the sun so he could see every atom she had on when he saw me from behind following in the rain I saw him before he saw me however standing at the corner of the Harold's crossroad with a new raincoat on him with the muffler in the Zingari colors to show off his complexion - and the brown hat looking slyboots as usual what was he doing there where he'd no business they can go and get whatever they like from anything at all with a skirt on it and were not to ask any questions but they want to know where were you where are you going I could feel him coming along skulking after me his eyes on my neck he had been keeping away from the house he felt it was getting too warm for him so I half turned and stopped then he pestered me to say yes till I took off my glove slowly watching him he said my openwork sleeves were too cold for the rain anything for an excuse to put his hand near me panties the whole blessed time till I promised to give him the pair off my doll to carry about in his waistcoat pocket O Maria santissima he did look a big fool dreeping in the rain splendid set of teeth he had made me hungry to look at them and beseeched of me to lift the orange petticoat I had on with sunray pleats that there was nobody he Said he'd kneel down in the wet if I didn't so persevering he would too and ruin his new raincoat you never know what freak they'd take alone with you they're so savage for it if anyone was passing so I lifted them a bit and touched his trousers outside the way I used to Gardner after with my ring hand to keep him from doing worse where it was too public I was dying to find out was he circumcised he was shaking like a jelly all over they want to do everything too quick take all the pleasure out if it and father waiting all the time for his dinner he told me to say I left my purse in the butchers and had to go back for it what a Deceiver then he wrote me that letter with all those words in it how could he have the face to any woman after his company manners making it so awkward after when we met asking me have I offended you with my eyelids down of course he saw I wasn't he had a few brains not like that other fool Mark Bramhall he was always breaking or tearing something in the charades I hate an unlucky man and if I knew what it meant of course I had to say no for form sake don't understand you I said and wasn't it natural so it is of course it used to be written up with a picture of a woman's on that wall in Gibraltar with that word I couldn't find anywhere only for children seeing it too young then writing a letter every morning sometimes twice a day I liked the way he made love then he knew the way to take a woman when he sent me the 8 big poppies because mine was the 8th then I wrote the night he kissed my heart at Dolphins barn I couldn't describe it simply it makes you feel like nothing on earth but he never knew how to embrace well like Gardner I hope hell come on Monday as he said at the same time four I hate people who come at all hours answer the door you think its the vegetables then its somebody and you all undressed or the door of the filthy sloppy kitchen blows open the day old frosty face Goodwin called about the concert in Lombard street and I just after dinner all flushed and tossed with boiling old stew don't look at me professor I had to say I'm a fright yes but he was a real old gent in his way it was impossible to be more respectful nobody to say you're out you have to peep out through the blind like the messenger boy today I thought it was a turnoff first him sending the port and the peaches first and I was just beginning to yawn with nerves thinking he was trying to make a fool of me when I knew his tattarrattat at the door he must have been a bit late because it was 1/4 after 3 when I saw the 2 Aames girls coming from school I never know the time even that watch he gave me never seems to go properly I'd want to get it looked after when I threw the penny to that lame sailor for England home and beauty when I was whistling there is a charming girl I love and I had not even put on my clean shift or powdered myself or a thing then this day week were to go to Belfast just as well he has to go to Ennis his fathers anniversary the 27th it wouldn't be pleasant if he did suppose our rooms at the hotel were beside each other and any fooling went on in the new bed I couldn't tell him to stop and not bother me with him in the next room or perhaps some protestant clergyman with a cough knocking on the wall then he wouldn't believe next day we didn't do something its all very well a husband but you cant fool a lover after me telling him we never did anything of course he didn't believe me no its better he's going where he is besides something always happens with him the time going to the Mallow Concert at Maryborough ordering boiling soup for the two of us then the bell rang out he walks down the platform with the soup splashing about taking spoonfuls of it had not he the nerve and the waiter after him making a holy show of us screeching and confusion for the engine to start but he wouldn't pay till he finished it the two gentlemen in the 3rd class Carriage said he was quite right so he was too he's so pigheaded sometimes when he gets a thing into his head a good job he was able to open the carriage door with his knife or they'd have taken us on to Cork I suppose that was done out of revenge on him O I love jaunting in a train or a car with lovely soft cushions I wonder will he take a 1st class for me he might want to do it in the train by tipping the guard well O I suppose there'll be the usual idiots of men gaping at us with their eyes as stupid as ever they can possibly be that was an exceptional man that common workman that left us alone in the carriage that day going to Howth I'd like to find out something about him 1 or 2 tunnels perhaps then you have to look out of the window all the nicer then coming back suppose I never came back what would they say eloped with him that gets you on on the stage the last concert I sang at where its over a year ago when was it St. Teresa's hall Clarendon Street little chits of missies they have now singing Kathleen Kearney and her like on account of father being in the army and my singing the absentminded beggar and wearing a brooch for lord Roberts when I had the map of it all and Poldy not Newfie enough was it him managed it this time I wouldn't put it past him like he got me on to sing in the Stabat Mater by going around saying he was putting Lead Kindly Light to music I put him up to that till the Jesuits found out he was a freemason thumping the piano lead Thou me on copied from some old opera yes and he was going about with some of them Sinner Fein lately or whatever they call themselves talking his usual trash and nonsense he says that little man he showed me without the neck is very intelligent the coming man Griffith is he well he doesn't look it that's all I can say still it must have been him he knew there was a boycott I hate the mention of politics after the war that Pretoria and Ladysmith and Bloemfontein where Gardner Lieutenant Stanley G 8th Battalion 2nd East Lancs Regiment of enteric fever he was a lovely fellow in khaki and just the right height over me I'm sure he was brave too he said I was lovely the evening we kissed goodbye at the canal lock my Newfoundland beauty he was pale with excitement about going away or wed be seen from the road he couldn't stand properly and I so hot as I never felt they could have made their peace in the beginning or old goom Paul and the rest of the old Krugers go and fight it out between them instead of dragging on for years killing any fine looking men there were with their fever if he was even decently shot it wouldn't have been so bad I love to see a regiment pass in review the first time I saw the Spanish cavalry at La Roque it was lovely after looking across the bay from Algeciras all the lights of the rock like fireflies or those sham battles on the 15 acres the Black Watch with their kilts in time at the march past the 10th hussars the prince of Wales own or the lancers O the lancers they're grand or the Henrys that won Tugela his father made his money over selling the horses for the cavalry well he could buy me a nice present up in Belfast after what I gave they've lovely linen up there or one of those nice kimono things I must buy a mothball like I had before to keep in the drawer with them it would be exciting going around with him shopping buying those things in a new city better leave this ring behind want to keep turning and turning to get it over the knuckle there or they might bell it round the town in their papers or tell the police on me but they'd think were married O let them all go and smother themselves for the fat lot I care he has plenty of money and he's not a marrying man so somebody better get it out of him if I could find out whether he likes me I looked a bit washy of course when I looked close in the hand glass powdering a mirror never gives you the expression besides scrooching down on me like that all the time with his big hipbones he's heavy too with his hairy chest for this heat always having to lie down for them better for him put it into me from behind the way Mrs. Mastiansky told me her husband made her like the dogs do it and stick out her tongue as far as ever she could and he so quiet and mild with his tingating either can you ever be up to men the way it takes them lovely stuff in that blue suit he had on and stylish tie and socks with the sky blue silk things on them he's certainly well off I know by the cut his clothes have and his heavy watch but he was like a perfect devil for a few minutes after he came back with the stop press tearing up the tickets and swearing blazes because he lost 20 quid he said he lost over that outsider that won and half he put on for me on account of Lenehans tip cursing him to the lowest pits that sponger he was making free with me after the Glencree dinner coming back that long jolt over the featherbed mountain after the lord Mayor looking at me with his dirty eyes Val Mitchell that big heathen I first noticed him at dessert when I was cracking the nuts with my teeth I wished I could have picked every morsel of that chicken out of my fingers it was so tasty and browned and as tender as anything only for I didn't want to eat everything on my plate those forks and fish slicers were hallmarked silver too I wish I had some I could easily have slipped a couple into my muff when I was playing with them then always hanging out of them for money in a restaurant for the bit you put down your throat we have to be thankful for our mangy cup of tea itself as a great compliment to be noticed the way the world is divided in any case if its going to go on I want at least two other good chemises for one thing and but I don't know what kind of panties he likes none at all I think didn't he say yes and half the girls in Gibraltar never wore them either naked as God made them that Andalusian singing her Manola she didn't make much secret of what she had not yes and the second pair of silk stockings is laddered after one days wear I could have brought them back to Lewers this morning and kick up a row and made that one change them only not to upset myself and run the risk of walking into him and ruining the whole thing and one of those little-girl-fitting corsets I'd want advertised cheap in the Gentlewoman with elastic gores on the hips he saved the one I have but that's no good what did they say they give a delightful figure line 11/6 obviating that unsightly broad appearance across the lower back to reduce flesh my belly is a bit too big I'll have to knock off the stout at dinner or am I getting too fond of it the last they sent from O'Rourkes was as flat as a pancake he makes his money easy Larry they call him the old mangy parcel he sent at Xmas a cottage cake and a bottle of hogwash he tried to palm off as claret that he couldn't get anyone to drink God spare his spit for fear he'd die of the drought or I must do a few breathing exercises I wonder is that antifat any good might overdo it thin ones are not so much the fashion now garters that much I have the violet pair I wore today that's all he bought me out of the check he got on the first O no there was the face lotion I finished the last of yesterday that made my skin like new I told him over and over again get that made up in the same place and don't forget it God only knows whether he did after all I said to him I'll know by the bottle anyway if not I suppose I'll only have to wash in my breast milk like beef tea or chicken soup with some of that opoponax and violet I thought it was beginning to look coarse or old a bit the skin underneath is much finer where it peeled off there on my finger after the burn its a pity it isn't all like that and the four paltry handkerchiefs about 6 dollars in all sure you cant get on in this world without style all going in food and rent when I get it I'll lash it around I tell you in fine style I always want to throw a handful of tea into the pot measuring and mincing if I buy a pair of old brogues itself do you like those new shoes yes how much were they I've no clothes at all the brown costume and the skirt and jacket and the one at the cleaners 3 what's that for any woman cutting up this old hat and patching up the other the men wont look at you and women try to walk on you because they know you've no man then with all the things getting dearer every day for the 4 years more I have of life up to 35 no I'm what am I at all I'll be 33 in September will I what O well look at that Mrs. Galbraith she's much older than me I saw her when I was out last week her beauty is on the wane she was a lovely woman magnificent head of hair on her down to her waist tossing it back like that like Kitty O'Shea in Grantham street 1st thing I did every morning to look across see her combing it as if she loved it and was full of it pity I only got to know her the day before we left and that Mrs. Langtry the Jersey Lily the prince of Wales was in love with I suppose he's like the first man going the roads only for the name of a king they're all made the one way only a black mans I'd like to try a beauty up to what was she 45 there was some funny story about the jealous old husband what was it all and an oyster knife he went no he made her wear a kind of a tin thing around her and the prince of Wales yes he had the oyster knife cant be true a thing like that like some of those books he brings me the works of Master Francois somebody supposed to be a priest about a child born out of her ear because her huge pussy fell out a nice word for any priest to write and her T&A as if any fool wouldn't know what that meant I hate that pretending of all things with the old blackguard's face on him anybody can see its not true and that Ruby and Fair Tyrants he brought me that twice I remember when I came to page 50 the part about where she hangs him up out of a hook with a cord flagellate sure there's nothing for a woman in that all invention made up about he drinking the champagne out of her slipper after the ball was over like the infant Jesus In the crib at Inchicore in the Blessed Virgins arms sure no woman could have a child that big taken out of her and I thought first it came out of her side because how could she go to the chamber when she wanted to and she a rich lady of course she felt honored H.R.H. he was in Gibraltar the year I gas born I bet he found lilies there too where he planted the tree he planted more than that in his time he might have planted me too if he'd come a bit sooner then I wouldn't be here as I am he ought to chuck that Freeman with the paltry few shillings he knocks out of it and go into an office or something where he'd get regular pay or a bank where they could put him up on a throne to count the money all the day of course he prefers plottering about the house so you cant stir with him any side what's your program today I wish he'd even smoke a pipe like father to get the smell of a man or pretending to be mooching about for advertisements when he could have been in Mr. Cuffes still only for what he did then sending me to try and patch it up I could have got him promoted there to be the manager he gave me a great Mirada once or twice first he was as stiff as the mischief really and truly Mrs. Braswell only I felt rotten simply with the old rubbishy dress that I lost the leads out of the tails with no cut in it but they're coming into fashion again I bought it simply to please him I knew it was no good by the finish pity I changed my mind of going to Todd and Burns as I said and not Lees it was just like the shop itself rummage sale a lot of trash I hate those rich shops get on your nerves nothing kills me altogether only he thinks he knows a great lot about a woman's dress and cooking mathering everything he can scour off the shelves into it if I went by his advices every blessed hat I put on does that suit me yes take that that's all right the one like a wedding cake standing up miles off my head he said suited me or the dish cover one coming down on my backside on pins and needles about the shop girl in that place in Grafton street I had the misfortune to bring him into and she as insolent as ever she could be with her smirk saying I'm afraid were giving you too much trouble what's she there for but I stared it out of her yes he was awfully stiff and no wonder but he changed the second time he looked Poldy pigheaded as usual like the soup but I could see him looking very hard at my chest when he stood up to open the door for me it was nice of him to show me out in any case I'm extremely sorry Mrs. Braswell believe me without making it too marked the first time after him being insulted and me being supposed to be his wife I just half smiled I know my chest was out that way at the door when he said I'm extremely sorry and I'm sure you were.

Yes I think he made them a bit firmer sucking them like that so long be made me thirsty titties he calls them I had to laugh yes this one anyhow stiff the nipple gets for the least thing I'll get him to keep that up and I'll take those eggs beaten up with marsala fatten them out for him what are all those veins and things curious the way its made to the same in case of twins they're supposed to represent beauty placed up there like those statues in the museum one of them pretending to hide it with her hand are they so beautiful of course compared with what a man looks like with his two bags full and his other thing hanging down out of him or sticking up at you like a hat rack no wonder they hide it with a cabbage leaf the woman is beauty of course that's admitted when he said I could pose for a picture naked to some rich fellow in Holles street when he lost the job in Halifax and I was selling the clothes and strumming in the coffee palace would I be like that bath of the nymph with my hair down yes only she's younger or I'm a little like that dirty bitch in that Spanish photo he has the nymphs used they go about like that I asked him that disgusting Cameron highlander behind the meat market or that other wretch with the red head behind the tree where the statue of the fish used to be when I was passing pretending he was pissing standing out for me to see it with his baby clothes up to one side the Queens own they were a nice lot its well the Surreys relieved them they're always trying to show it to you every time nearly I passed outside the men's greenhouse near the Harcourt street station just to try some fellow or other trying to catch my eye or if it was 1 of the 7 wonders of the world O and the stink of those rotten places the night coming home with Poldy after the Comerfords party oranges and lemonade to make you feel nice and watery I went into 1 of them it was so biting cold I couldn't keep it when was that 93 the canal was frozen yes it was a few months after a pity a couple of the Camerons weren't there to see me squatting in the men's place meadero I tried to draw a picture of it before I tore it up like a sausage or something I wonder they're not afraid going about of getting a kick or a bang or something there and that word met something with hoses in it and he came out with some jawbreakers about the incarnation he never can explain a thing simply the way a body can understand then he goes and burns the bottom out of the pan all for his Kidney this one not so much there's the mark of his teeth still where he tried to bite the nipple I had to scream out aren't they fearful trying to hurt you I had a great breast of milk with Nina enough for two what was the reason of that he said I could have got a pound a week as a wet nurse all swelled out the morning that delicate looking student that stopped in No 28 with the Citrons Penrose nearly caught me washing through the window only for I snapped up the towel to my face that was his studenting hurt me they used to weaning her till he got doctor Brady to give me the Belladonna prescription I had to get him to suck them they were so hard he said it was sweeter and thicker than cows then he wanted to milk me into the tea well he's beyond everything I declare somebody ought to put him in the budget if I only could remember the one half of the things and write a book out of it the works of Master Poldy yes and its so much smoother the skin much an hour he was at them I'm sure by the clock like some kind of a big infant I had at me they want everything in their mouth all the pleasure those men get out of a woman I can feel his mouth O Lord I must stretch myself I wished he was here or somebody to let myself go with and come again like that I feel all fire inside me or if I could dream it when he made me spend the 2nd time tickling me behind with his finger I was coming for about 5 minutes with my legs round him I had to hug him after O Lord I wanted to shout out all sorts of things fuck or shit or anything at all only not to look ugly or those lines from the strain who knows the way he'd take it you want to feel your way with a man they're not all like him thank God some of them want you to be so nice about it I noticed the contrast he does it and doesn't talk I gave my eyes that look with my hair a bit loose from the tumbling and my tongue between my lips up to him the savage brute Thursday Friday one Saturday two Sunday three O Lord I cant wait till Monday.

Loudlong train somewhere whistling the strength those engines have in them like big giants and the water rolling all over and out of them all sides like the end of Loves old sweet sing the poor men that have to be out all the night from their wives and families in those roasting engines stifling it was today I'm glad I burned the half of those old Freemans and Photo bits leaving things like that lying around he's getting very careless and threw the rest of them up in the W.C. I'll get him to cut them tomorrow for me instead of having them there for the next year to get a few pence for them have him asking where's last Januarys paper and all those old overcoats I bundled out of the hall making the place hotter than it is the rain was lovely just after my beauty sleep I thought it was going to get like Gibraltar my goodness the heat there before the levanter came on black as night and the glare of the rock standing up in it like a big giant compared with their 3 Rock mountain they think is so great with the red sentries here and there the poplars and they all white hot and the mosquito nets and the smell of the rainwater in those tanks watching the sun all the time weltering down on you faded all that lovely frock fathers friend Mrs. Stanhope sent me from the B Marche Paris what a shame my dearest Doggerina she wrote on what she was very nice what's this her other name was just a P.C. to tell you I sent the little present have just had a jolly warm bath and feel a very clean dog now enjoyed it wogger she called him wogger wd give anything to be back in Gib and hear you sing in old Madrid or Waiting Concone is the name of those exercises he bought me one of those new some word I couldn't make out shawls amusing things but tear for the least thing still they're lovely I think don't you will always think of the lovely teas we had together scrumptious currant scones and raspberry wafers I adore well now dearest Doggerina be sure and write soon kind she left out regards to your father also Captain Grove with love yrs affectionately XO XO XO she didn't look a bit married just like a girl he was years older than her wogger he was awfully fond of me when he held down the wire with his foot for me to step over at the bullfight at La Linea when that matador Gomez was given the bulls ear clothes we have to wear whoever invented them expecting you to walk up Killiney hill then for example at that picnic all staysed up you cant do a blessed thing in them in a crowd run or jump out of the way that's why I was afraid when that other ferocious old Bull began to charge the banderillos with the sashes and the 2 things in their hats and the brutes of men shouting bravo toro sure the women were as bad in their nice white mantillas ripping all the whole insides out of those poor horses I never heard of such a thing in all my life yes he used to break his heart at me taking off the dog barking in bell lane poor brute and it sick what became of them ever I suppose they're dead long ago the 2 of them its like all through a mist makes you feel so old I made the scones of course I had everything all to myself then a girl Hester we used to compare our hair mine was thicker than hers she showed me how to settle it at the back when I put it up and what's this else how to make a knot on a thread with the one hand we were like cousins what age was I then the night of the storm I slept in her bed she had her arms round me then we were fighting in the morning with the pillow what fun he was watching me whenever he got an opportunity at the band on the Alameda esplanade when I was with father and Captain Grove I looked up at the church first and then at the windows then down and our eyes met I felt something go through me like all needles my eyes were dancing I remember after when I looked at myself in the glass hardly recognized myself the change I had a splendid skin from the sun and the excitement like a rose I didn't get a wink of sleep it wouldn't have been nice on account of her but I could have stopped it in time she gave me the Moonstone to read that was the first I read of Wilkie Collins East Lynne I read and the shadow of Ashlydyat Mrs. Mark Wood Mark Dunbar by that other woman I lent him afterwards with Byrne's photo in it so as he see I wasn't without and Lord Lytton Eugene Aram Kysa bawn she gave me by Mrs. Hungerford on account of the name I don't like books with a Kysa in them like that one he brought me about the one from Flanders a whore always shoplifting anything she could clothe and stuff and yards of it this blanket is too heavy on me that's better I haven't even one decent nightdress this thing gets all rolled up under me besides him and his fooling that's better I used to be weltering then in the heat my shift drenched with the sweat stuck in the cheeks of my bottom on the chair when I stood up they were so fattish and firm when I got up on the sofa cushions to see with my clothes up and the bugs tons of them at night and the mosquito nets I couldn't read a line Lord how long ago it seems centuries of course they never come back and she didn't put her address right on it either she may have noticed her wogger people were always going away and we never I remember that day with the waves and the boats with their high heads rocking and the swell of the ship those Officers uniforms on shore leave made me seasick he didn't say anything he was very serious I had the high buttoned boots on and my skirt was blowing she kissed me six or seven times didn't I cry yes I believe I did or near it my lips were taittering when I said goodbye she had a Gorgeous wrap of some special kind of blue color on her for the voyage made very peculiarly to one side like and it was extremely pretty it got as dull as the devil after they went I was almost planning to run away mad out of it somewhere were never easy where we are father or aunt or marriage waiting always waiting to guiiiide him toooo me waiting nor speeeed his flying feet their damn guns bursting and booming all over the shop especially the Queens birthday and throwing everything down in all directions if you didn't open the windows when general Ulysses Grant whoever he was or did supposed to be some great fellow landed off the ship and old Sprague the consul that was there from before the flood dressed up poor man and he in mourning for the son then the same old reveille in the morning and drums rolling and the unfortunate poor devils of soldiers walking about with messtins smelling the place more than the old long bearded Jews in their jellibees and levites assembly and sound clear and gunfire for the men to cross the lines and the warden marching with his keys to lock the gates and the bagpipes and only Captain Groves and father talking about Rorkes drift and Plevna and sir Garnet Wolseley and Gordon at Khartoum lighting their pipes for them every time they went out drunken old devil with his grog on the windowsill catch him leaving any of it picking his nose trying to think of some other dirty story to tell up in a corner but he never forgot himself when I was there sending me out of the room on some blind excuse paying his compliments the Bushmills whisky talking of course but he'd do the same to the next woman that came along I supposed he died of galloping drink ages ago the days like years not a letter from a living soul except the odd few I posted to myself with bits of paper in them so bored sometimes I could fight with my nails listening to that old Arab with the one eye and his hiss of an instrument singing his heah heah aheah all my compliments on your hotchapotch of your bliss as bad as now with the hands hanging off me looking out of the window if there was a nice fellow even in the opposite house that medical in Holles street the nurse was after when I put on my gloves and hat at the window to show I was going out not a notion what I meant aren't they thick never understanding what you say even if you'd want to print it up on a big poster for them not even if you shake hands twice with the left he didn't recognize me either when I half frowned at him outside Westland row chapel where does their great intelligence come in I'd like to know grey matter they have it all in their tail if you ask me those country gougers up in the City Arms intelligence they had a damn sight less than the bulls and cows they were selling the meat and the coalman's bell that noisy bugger trying to swindle me with the wrong bill he took out of his hat what a pair of paws and pots and pans and kettles to mend any broken bottles for a poor man today and no visitors or post ever except his checks or some advertisement like that wonderworker they sent him addressed dear Madam only his letter and the card from Nina this morning see she wrote a letter to him who did I get the last letter from O Mrs. Dwenn now whatever possessed her to write after so many years to know the recipe I had for pisto madrileno McCabe Mitchell since she wrote to say she was married to a very rich architect if I'm to believe all I hear with a villa and eight rooms her father was an awfully nice man he was near seventy always good humor well now Miss Tweedy or Miss Gillespie there's the pyannyer that was a solid silver coffee service he had too on the mahogany sideboard then dying so far away I hate people that have always their poor story to tell everybody has their own troubles that poor Nancy Blake died a month ago of acute pneumonia well I didn't know her so well as all that she was McCabes friend more than mine its a bother having to answer he always tells me the wrong things and no stops to say like making a speech your sad bereavement sympathy I always make that mistake and nephew with 2 double you's in I hope hell write me a longer letter the next time if its a thing he really likes me O thanks be to the great God I got somebody to give me what I badly wanted to put some heart up into me you've no chances at all in this place like you used long ago I wish somebody would write me a love-letter his wasn't much and I told him he could write what he liked yours ever Ed Vallencourt in Old Madrid silly women believe love is sighing I am dying still if he wrote it I suppose there'd be some truth in it true or no it fills up your whole day and life always something to think about every moment and see it all around you like a new world I could write the answer in bed to let him imagine me short just a few words not those long crossed letters Atty Mitchell used to write to the fellow that was something in the four courts that jilted her after out of the ladies letter writer when I told her to say a few simple words he could twist how he liked not acting with precipit precipitancy with equal candor the greatest earthly happiness answer to a gentleman's proposal affirmatively my goodness there's nothing else its all very fine for them but as for being a woman as soon as you're old they might as well throw you out in the bottom of the ash pit.

Byrne's was the first when I was in bed that morning and Mrs. Rubio brought it in with the coffee she stood there standing when I asked her to hand me and I pointing at them I couldn't think of the word a hairpin to open it with ah horquilla disobliging old thing and it staring her in the face with her switch of false hair on her and vain about her appearance ugly as she was near 80 or a 100 her face a mass of wrinkles with all her religion domineering because she never could get over the Atlantic fleet coming in half the ships of the world and the Union Jack flying with all her carabineros because 4 drunken English sailors took all the rock from them and because I didn't run into mass often enough in Santa Maria to please her with her shawl up on her except when there was a marriage on with all her miracles of the saints and her black blessed virgin with the silver dress and the sun dancing 3 times on Easter Sunday morning and when the priest was going by with the bell bringing the Vatican to the dying blessing herself for his Majestad an admirer he signed it I near jumped out of my skin I wanted to pick him up when I saw him following me along the Calle Real in the shop window then he tipped me just in passing I never thought he'd write making an appointment I had it inside my petticoat bodice all day reading it up in every hole and corner while father was up at the drill instructing to find out by the handwriting or the language of stamps singing I remember shall I wear a white rose and I wanted to put on the old stupid clock to near the time he was the first man kissed me under the Moorish wall my sweetheart when a boy it never entered my head what kissing meant till he put his tongue in my mouth his mouth was sweet-like young I put my knee up to him a few times to learn the way what did I tell him I was engaged for fun to the son of a Spanish nobleman named Don Miguel de la Flora and he believed that I was to be married to him in 3 years time there's many a true word spoken in jest there is a flower that blossoms a few things I told him true about myself just for him to be imagining the Spanish girls he didn't like I suppose one of them wouldn't have him I got him excited he crushed all the flowers on my bosom he brought me he couldn't count the pesetas and the perragordas till I taught him Cappoquin he came from he said on the Blackwater but it was too short then the day before he left May yes it was May when the infant king of Spain was born I'm always like that in the spring I'd like a new fellow every year up on the tiptop under the rockgun near O'Hara's tower I told him it was struck by lightning and all about the old Barbary apes they sent to Clapham without a tail careering all over the show on each others back Mrs. Rubio said she was a regular old rock scorpion robbing the chickens out of Inces farm and throw stones at you if you went a near he was looking at me I had that white blouse on open at the front to encourage him as much as I could without too openly they were just beginning to be plump I said I was tired we lay over the fir tree cove a wild place I suppose it must be the highest rock in existence the galleries and casemates and those frightful rocks and Saint Michaels cave with the icicles or whatever they call them hanging down and ladders all the mud plotching my boots I'm sure that's the way down the monkeys go under the sea to Africa when they die the ships out far like chips that was the Malta boat passing Yes the sea and the sky you could do what you liked lie there for ever he caressed them outside they love doing that its the roundness there I was leaning over him with my white rice straw hat to take the newness out of it the left side of my face the best my blouse open for his last day transparent kind of shirt he had I could see his chest pink he wanted to touch mine with his for a moment but I wouldn't let him he was awfully put out first for fear you never know consumption or leave me with a child embarazada that old servant Ines told me that one drop even if it got into you at all after I tried with the Banana but I was afraid it might break and get lost up in me somewhere yes because they once took something down out of a woman that was up there for years covered with lime salts they're all mad to get in there where they come out of you'd think they could never get far enough up and then they're done with you in a way till the next time yes because there's a wonderful feeling there all the time so tender how did we finish it off yes O yes I pulled him off into my handkerchief pretending not to be excited but I opened my legs I wouldn't let him touch me inside my petticoat I had a skirt opening up the side I tortured the life out of him first tickling him I loved rousing that dog in the hotel rrrsssst awokwokawok his eyes shut and a bird flying below us he was shy all the same I liked him like that morning I made him blush a little when I got over him that way when I unbuttoned him and took his out and drew back the skin it had a kind of eye in it they're all Buttons men down the middle on the wrong side of them Kysa darling he called me what was his name Jack Joe Ian Byrne was it yes I think a lieutenant he was rather fair he had a laughing kind of a voice so I went around to the whatchacallit everything was whatchacallit moustache had he he said he'd come back Lord its just like yesterday to me and if I was married he'd do it to me and I promised him yes faithfully I'd let him block me now flying perhaps he's dead or killed or a Captain or admiral its nearly 20 years if I said fir tree cove he would if he came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes to guess who I might recognize him he's young still about 40 perhaps he's married some girl on the black water and is quite changed they all do they havent half the character a woman has she little knows what I did with her beloved husband before he ever dreamt of her in broad daylight too in the sight of the whole world you might say they could have put an article about it in the Chronicle I was a bit wild after when I blew out the old bag the biscuits were in from Benady Bros and exploded it Lord what a bang all the woodcocks and pigeons screaming coming back the same way that we went over middle hill round by the old guard house and the Jewish burial place pretending to read out the Hebrew on them I wanted to fire his pistol he said he had not one he didn't know what to make of me with his peaked cap on that he always wore crooked as often as I settled it straight H.M.S. Calypso swinging my hat that old Bishop that spoke off the altar his long preach about woman's higher functions about girls now riding the bicycle and wearing peak caps and the new woman panties God send him sense and me more money I suppose they're called after him I never thought that would be my name Braswell when I used to write it in print to see how it looked on a visiting card or practicing for the butcher and oblige K. Braswell you're looking blooming Josie used to say after I married him well its better than Breen or Briggs does brig or those awful names with bottom in them Mrs. Ramsbottom or some other kind of a bottom Byrne I wouldn't go mad about either or suppose I divorced him Mrs. Vallencourt my mother whoever she was might have given me a nicer name the Lord knows after the lovely one she had Lunita Laredo the fun we had running along Willis road to Europa point twisting in and out all round the other side of Jersey they were shaking and dancing about in my blouse like Ninas little ones now when she runs up the stairs I loved looking down at them I was jumping up at the pepper trees and the white poplars pulling the leaves off and throwing them at him he went to India he was to write the voyages those men have to make to the ends of the world and back its the least they might get a squeeze or two at a woman while they can going out to be drowned or blown up somewhere I went up windmill hill to the flats that Sunday morning with Captain Rubios that was dead spyglass like the sentry had he said he'd have one or two from on board I wore that frock from the B. Marche Paris and the coral necklace the straits shining I could see over to Morocco almost the bay of Tangier white and the Atlas mountain with snow on it and the straits like a river so clear Ian Kysa Darling I was thinking of him on the sea all the time after at mass when my petticoat began to slip down at the elevation weeks and weeks I kept the handkerchief under my pillow for the smell of him there was no decent perfume to be got in that Gibraltar only that cheap peau despagne that faded and left a stink on you more than anything else I wanted to give him a memento he gave me that clumsy Claddagh ring for luck that I gave Gardner going to South Africa where those Boers killed him with their war and fever but they were well beaten all the same as if it brought its bad luck with it like an opal or pearl must have been pure 16 carat gold because it was very heavy I can see his face clean shaven Loud and long that train again weeping tone once in the dear deaead days beyond recall close my eyes breath my lips forward kiss sad look eyes open piano ere oer the world the mists began I hate that istsbeg comes loves sweet ssooooooong I'll let that out full when I get in front of the footlights again Kathleen Kearney and her lot of squealers Miss This Miss That Miss The other lot of sparrow darts skitting around talking about politics they know as much about as my backside anything in the world to make themselves someway interesting Newfoundland homemade beauties soldiers daughter am ay and whose are you boot makers and publicans I beg your pardon coach I thought you were a wheelbarrow they'd die down dead off their feet if ever they got a chance of walking down the Alameda on an officers arm like me on the band night my eyes flash my bust that they havent passion God help their poor head I knew more about men and life when I was 15 than they'll all know at 50 they don't know how to sing a song like that Gardner said no man could look at my mouth and teeth smiling like that end not think of it I was afraid he mightn't like my accent first he so English all father left me in spite of his stamps I've my mothers eyes and figure anyhow he always said they're so snotty about themselves some of those cads he wasn't a bit like that he was dead gone on my lips let them get a husband first that's fit to be looked at and a daughter like mine or see if they can excite a swell with money that can pick and choose whoever he wants like Vallencourt to do it 4 or 5 times locked in each others arms or the voice either I could have been a prima donna only I married him comes loves old deep down chin back not too much make it double My Lady's Bower is too long for an encore about the moated grange at twilight and vaulted rooms yes I'll sing Winds that blow from the south that he gave after the choir stairs performance I'll change that lace on my black dress to show off my bubs and I'll yes by God I'll get that big fan mended make them burst with envy my hole is itching me always when I think of him I feel I want to I feel some wind in me better go easy not wake him have him at it again slobbering after washing every bit of myself back belly and sides if we had even a bath itself or my own room anyway I wish he'd sleep in some bed by himself with his cold feet on me give us room even to let a fart God or do the least thing better yes hold them like that a bit on my side piano quietly sweeeee there's that train far away pianissimo eeeeeeee one more song that was a relief wherever you be let your wind go free who knows if that pork chop I took with my cup of tea after was quite good with the heat I couldn't smell anything off it I'm sure that queer-looking man in the pork butchers is a great rogue I hope that lamp is not smoking fill my nose up with smuts better than having him leaving the gas on all night I couldn't rest easy in my bed in Gibraltar even getting up to see why am I so damned nervous about that though I like it in the winter its more company O Lord it was rotten cold too that winter when I was only about ten was I yes I had the big doll with all the funny clothes dressing her up and undressing that icy wind skeeting across from those mountains the something Nevada sierra nevada standing at the fire with the little bit of a short shift I had up to heat myself I loved dancing about in it then make a race back into bed I'm sure that fellow opposite used to be there the whole time watching with the lights out in the summer and I in my skin hopping around I used to love myself then stripped at the washstand dabbing and creaming only when it came to the chamber performance I put out the light too so then there were 2 of us Goodbye to my sleep for this night anyhow I hope he's not going to get in with those medicals leading him astray to imagine he's young again coming in at 4 in the morning it must be if not more still he had the manners not to wake me what do they find to gabber about all night squandering money and getting drunker and drunker couldn't they drink water then he starts giving us his orders for eggs and tea Findon haddy and hot buttered toast I suppose well have him sitting up like the king of the country pumping the wrong end of the spoon up and down in his egg wherever he learned that from and I love to hear him falling up the stairs of a morning with the cups rattling on the tray and then play with the cat she rubs up against you for her own sake I wonder has she fleas she's as bad as a woman always licking and lecking but I hate their claws I wonder do they see anything that we cant staring like that when she sits at the top of the stairs so long and listening as I wait always what a robber too that lovely fresh plaice I bought I think I'll get a bit of fish tomorrow or today is it Friday yes I will with some blancmange with black currant jam like long ago not those 2-lb. pots of mixed plum and apple from the London and Newcastle Williams and Woods goes twice as far only for the bones I hate those eels cod yes I'll get a nice piece of cod I'm always getting enough for 3 forgetting anyway I'm sick of that everlasting butchers meat from Buckleys loin chops and leg beef and rib steak and scrag of mutton and calves pluck the very name is enough or a picnic suppose we all gave $22 each and or let him pay and invite some other woman for him who Mrs. Fleming and drive out to the furry glen or the strawberry beds wed have him examining all the horses toenails first like he does with the letters no not with Vallencourt there yes with some cold veal and ham mixed sandwiches there are little houses down at the bottom of the banks there on purpose but its as hot as blazes he says not a bank holiday anyhow I hate those ruck of Mary Ann coal boxes out for the day Whit Monday is a cursed day too no wonder that bee bit him better the seaside but I'd never again in this life get into a boat with him after him at Bray telling the boatmen he knew how to row if anyone asked could he ride the steeplechase for the gold cup he'd say yes then it came on to get rough the old thing crookeding about and the weight all down my side telling me to pull the right reins now pull the left and the tide all swamping in floods in through through the bottom and his oar slipping out of the stirrupits a mercy we weren't all drowned he can swim of course me no there's no danger whatsoever keep yourself calm in his flannel trousers I'd like to have tattered them down off him before all the people and give him what that one calls flagellate till he was black and blue do him all the good in the world only for that long nosed chap I don't know who he is with that other beauty Burke out of the City Arms hotel was there spying around as usual on the slip always where he wasn't wanted if there was a row on you vomit a better face there was no love lost between us that's I consolation I wonder what kind is that book he brought me Sweets of Sin by a gentleman of fashion some other Mr. de Kock I suppose the people gave him that nickname going about with his tube from one woman to another I couldn't even change my new white shoes all ruined with the saltwater and the hat I had with that feather all blowy and tossed on me how annoying and provoking because the smell of the sea excited me of course the sardines and the bream in Catalan bay round the back of the rock they were fine all silver in the fishermen's baskets old Luigi near a hundred they said came from Genoa and the tall old chap with the earrings I don't like a man you have to climb up to go get at I suppose they're all dead and rotten long ago besides I don't like being alone in this big barracks of a place at night I suppose I'll have to put up with it I never brought a bit of salt in even when we moved in the confusion musical academy he was going to make on the first floor drawing room with a brass plate or Braswell's private hotel he suggested go and ruin himself altogether the way his father did down in Ennis like all the things he told father he was going to do and me but I saw through him telling me all the lovely places we could go for the honeymoon Venice by moonlight with the gondolas and the lake of Como he had a picture cut out of some paper of and mandolins and lanterns O how nice I said whatever I liked he was going to do immediately if not sooner will you be my man will you carry my can he ought to get a leather medal with a putty rim for all the plans he invents then leaving us here all day you never know what old beggar at the door for a crust with his long story might be a tramp and put his foot in the way to prevent me shutting it like that picture of that hardened criminal he was called in Lloyd's Weekly News 20 years in jail then he comes out and murders an old woman for her mofley imagine his poor wife or mother or whoever she is such a face you'd run miles away from I couldn't rest easy till I bolted all the doors and windows to make sure but its worse again being locked up like in a prison or a madhouse they ought to be all shot or the cat of nine tails a big brute like that that would attack a poor old woman to murder her in her bed I'd cut them off so I would not that he'd be much use still better than nothing the night I was sure I heard burglars in the kitchen and he went down in his shirt with a candle and a poker as if he was looking for a mouse as white as a sheet frightened out of his wits making as much noise as he possibly could for the burglars benefit there isn't much to steal indeed the Lord knows still its the feeling especially now with Nina away such an idea for him to send the girl down there to learn to take photographs on account of his grandfather instead of sending her to Jane's Academy where shed have to learn not like me getting all at school only he'd do a thing like that all the same on account of me and Vallencourt that's why he did it I'm certain the way he plots and plans everything out I couldn't turn round with her in the place lately unless I bolted the door first gave me the fidgets coming in without knocking first when I put the chair against the door just as I was washing myself there below with the glove get on your nerves then doing the log lady all day put her in a glass case with two at a time to look at her if he knew she broke off the hand off that little gimcrack statue with her roughness and carelessness before she left that I got that little Italian boy to mend so that you cant see the join for 2 shillings wouldn't even teem the potatoes for you of course she's right not to ruin her hands I noticed he was always talking to her lately at the table explaining things in the paper and she pretending to understand sly of course that comes from his side of the house and helping her into her coat but if there was anything wrong with her its me shed tell not him he Cant say I pretend things can he I'm too honest as a matter of fact I suppose he thinks I'm finished out and laid on the shelf well I'm not no nor anything like it well see well see now she's well on for flirting too with Tom Devans two sons imitating me whistling with those romps of Murray girls calling for her can Nina come out please she's in great demand to pick what they can out of her round in Nelson street riding Ian Devans bicycle at night its as well he sent her where she is she was just getting out of bounds wanting to go on the skating rink and smoking their cigarettes through their nose I smelt it off her dress when I was biting off the thread of the button I sewed on to the bottom of her jacket she couldn't hide much from me I tell you only I ought not to have stitched it and it on her it brings a parting and the last plumpudding too split in 2 halves see it comes out no matter what they say her tongue is a bit too long for my taste your blouse is open too low she says to me the pan calling the kettle black bottom and I had to tell her no! to cock her legs up like that on show on the windowsill before all the people passing they all look at her like me when I was her age of course any old rag looks well on you then a great touchmenot too in her own way at the Only Way in the Theatre royal take your foot away out of that I hate people touching me afraid of her life I'd crush her skirt with the pleats a lot of that touching must go on in theatres in the crush in the dark they're always trying to wiggle up to you that fellow in the pit at the pit at the Gaiety for Beerbohm Tree in Trilby the last time I'll ever go there to be squashed like that for any Trilby or her barebum every two minutes tipping me there and looking away he's a bit daft I think I saw him after trying to get near two stylish dressed ladies outside Switzer's window at the same little game I recognized him on the moment the face and everything but he didn't remember me and she didn't even want me to kiss her at the Broadstone going away well I hope shell get someone to dance attendance on her the way I did when she was down with the mumps her glands swollen where's this and where's that of course she cant feel anything deep yet I never came properly till I was what 22 or so it went into the wrong place always only the usual girls nonsense and giggling that Conny Connolly writing to her in white ink on black paper sealed with sealing wax though she clapped when the curtain came down because he looked so handsome then we had Martin Harvey for breakfast dinner and supper I thought to myself afterwards it must be real love if a man gives up his life for her that way for nothing I suppose there are few men like that left its hard to believe in it though unless it really happened to me the majority of them with not a particle of love in their natures to find two people like that nowadays full up of each other that would feel the same way as you do they're usually a bit foolish in the head his father must have been a bit queer to go and poison himself after her still poor old man I suppose he felt lost always making love to my things too the few old rags I have wanting to put her hair up at 15 my powder too only ruin her skin on her she's time enough for that all her life after of course she's restless knowing she's pretty with her lips so red a pity they wont stay that way I was too but there's no use going to the fair with the thing answering me like a fish woman when I asked to go for a half a stone of potatoes the day we met Mrs. Joe Gallaher at the trotting matches and she pretended not to see us in her trap with Friery the solicitor we weren't grand enough till I gave her 2 damn fine cracks across the ear for herself take that now for answering me like that and that for your impudence she had me that exasperated of course contradicting I was bad-tempered too because how was it there was a weed in the tea or I didn't sleep the night before cheese I ate was it and I told her over and over again not to leave knives crossed like that because she has nobody to command her as she said herself well if he doesn't correct her faith I will that was the last time she turned on the teartap I was just like that myself they dare not order me about the place its his fault of course having the two of us slaving here instead of getting in a woman long ago am I ever going to have a proper servant again of course then shed see him coming I'd have to let her know or shed revenge it aren't they a nuisance that old Mrs. Fleming you have to be walking round after her putting the things into her hands sneezing and farting into the pots well of course she's old she cant help it a good job I found that rotten old smelly dishcloth that got lost behind the dresser I knew there was something and opened the window to let out the smell bringing in his friends to entertain them like the night he walked home with a dog if you please that might have been mad especially David Aames' son his father such a criticizer with his glasses up with his tall hat on him at the cricket match and a great big hole in his sock one thing laughing at the other and his son that got all those prizes for whatever he won them in the intermediate imagine climbing over the railings if anybody saw him that knew us wonder he didn't tear a big hole in his grand funeral trousers as if the one nature gave wasn't enough for anybody hawking him down into the dirty old kitchen now is he right in his head I ask pity it wasn't washing day my new pair of panties might have been hanging up too on the line on exhibition for all he'd ever care with the iron mold mark the stupid old bundle burned on them he might think was something else and she never even rendered down the fat I told her and now she's going such as she was on account of her paralyzed husband getting worse there's always something wrong with them disease or they have to go under an operation or if its not that its drink and he beats her I'll have to hunt around again for someone every day I get up there's some new thing on sweet God sweet God well when I'm stretched out dead in my grave I suppose I'll have some peace I want to get up a minute if I'm let wait O Jesus wait yes that thing has come on me yes now wouldn't that afflict you of course all the poking and rooting and plowing he had up in me now what am I to do Friday Saturday Sunday wouldn't that pester the soul out of a body unless he likes it some men do God knows there's always something wrong with us 5 days every 3 or 4 weeks usual monthly auction isn't it simply sickening that night it came on me like that the one and only time we were in a box that Michael Gunn gave him to see Mrs. Kendal and her husband at the Gaiety something he did about insurance for him Drimmies I was fit to be tied though I wouldn't give in with that gentleman of fashion staring down at me with his glasses and him the other side of me talking about Spinoza and his soul that's dead I suppose millions of years ago I smiled the best I could all in a swamp leaning forward as if I was interested having to sit it out then to the last tag I wont forget that wife of Scarli in a hurry supposed to be a fast play about adultery that idiot in the gallery hissing the woman adulteress he shouted I suppose he went and had a woman in the next lane running round all the back ways after to make up for it I wish he had what I had then he'd boo I bet the cat itself is better off than us have we too much blood up in us or what O patience above its pouring out of me like the sea anyhow he didn't make me pregnant as big as he is I don't want to ruin the clean sheets the clean linen I wore brought it on too damn it damn it and they always want to see a stain on the bed to know you're a virgin for them all that's troubling them they're such fools too you could be a widow or divorced 40 times over a daub of red ink would do or blackberry juice no that's too purply O Jamesy let me up out of this pooh sweets of sin whoever suggested that business for women what between clothes and cooking and children this damned old bed too jingling like the dickens I suppose they could hear us away over the other side of the park till I suggested to put the quilt on the floor with the pillow under my bottom I wonder is it nicer in the day I think it is easy I think I'll cut all this hair off me there scalding me I might look like a young girl wouldn't he get the great blowjob the next time he turned up my clothes on me I'd give anything to see his face where's the chamber gone easy I've a holy horror of its breaking under me after that old commode I wonder was I too heavy sitting on his knee I made him sit on the easy chair purposely when I took off only my blouse and skirt first in the other room he was so busy where he ought not to be he never felt me I hope my breath was sweet after those kissing comfits easy God I remember one time I could scout it out straight whistling like a man almost easy O Lord how noisy I hope they're bubbles on it for a wad of money from some fellow I'll have to perfume it in the morning don't forget I bet he never saw a better pair of thighs than that look how white they are the smoothest place is right there between this bit here how soft like a peach easy God I wouldn't mind being a man and get up on a lovely woman O Lord what a row you're making like the jersey lily easy O how the waters come down at Lahore.

Who knows is there anything the matter with my insides or have I something growing in me getting that thing like that every week when was it last I Whit Monday yes its only about 3 weeks I ought to go to the doctor only it would be like before I married him when I had that white thing coming from me and McCabe made me go to that dry old stick Dr. Collins for women's diseases on Pembroke road your vagina he called it I suppose that's how he got all the gilt mirrors and carpets getting round those rich ones off Stephen's green running up to him for every little fiddlefaddle her vagina and her cuntpussysnatch they've money of course so they're all right I wouldn't marry him not if he was the last man in the world besides there something queer about their children always hanging around those naked bitches on all sides asking me if what when my huge breasts were milked how it felt what did he want me to do but the one thing gold maybe what a question if I smathered it all over his wrinkly old face for him with all my compliment I suppose he'd know then and could you pass it easily pass what I thought he was talking about the rock of Gibraltar the way he puts it that's a very nice invention too by the way only I like letting myself down after in the hole as far as I can squeeze and pull the chain then to flush it nice cool pins and needles still there's something in it I suppose I always used to know by Ninas when she was a child whether she had worms or not still all the same paying him for that how much is that doctor one guinea please and asking me had I frequent omissions where do those old fellows get all the words they have omissions with his shortsighted eyes on me cocked sideways I wouldn't trust him too far to give me chloroform or God knows what else still I liked him when he sat down to write the thing out frowning so severe his nose intelligent like that you be damned you lying strap O anything no matter who except an idiot he was clever enough to spot that of course that was all thinking of him and his mad crazy letters my Precious one everything connected with your glorious Body everything underlined that comes from it is a thing of beauty and of joy for ever something he got out of some nonsensical book that he had me always at myself 4 or 5 times a day sometimes and I said I had not are you sure O yes I said I am quite sure in a way that shut him up I knew what was coming next only natural weakness it was he excited me I don't know how the first night ever we met when I was living in Rehoboth terrace we stood staring at one another for about 10 minutes as if we met somewhere I suppose on account of my being Jewess looking after my mother he used to amuse me the things he said with the half sloothering smile on him and all the Doyles said he was going to stand for a member of Parliament O wasn't I the born fool to believe all his blather about home rule and the land league sending me that long strool of a song out of the Huguenots to sing in French to be more classy O beau pays de la Touraine that I never even sang once explaining and rigmaroling about religion and persecution he wont let you enjoy anything naturally then might he as a great favor the very 1st opportunity he got a chance in Brighton square running into my bedroom pretending the ink got on his hands to wash it off with the Albion milk and sulfur soap I used to use and the gelatin still round it O I laughed myself sick at him that day I'd better not make an all night sitting on this affair they ought to make chambers a natural size so that a woman could sit on it properly he kneels down to do it I suppose there isn't in all creation another man with the habits he has look at the way he's sleeping at the foot of the bed how can he without a hard bolster its well he doesn't kick or he might knock out all my teeth breathing with his hand on his nose like that Indian god he took me to show one wet Sunday in the museum in Kildare street all yellow in a pinafore lying on his side on his hand with his ten toes sticking out that he said was a bigger religion than the Jews and Our Lords both put together all over Asia imitating him ashes always imitating everybody I suppose he used to sleep at the foot of the bed too with his big square feet up in his wife's mouth damn this stinking thing anyway where's this those napkins are ah yes I know I hope the old press doesn't creak ah I knew it would he's sleeping hard had a good time somewhere still she must have given him great value for his money of course he has to pay for it from her O this nuisance of a thing I hope they'll have something better for us in the other world tying ourselves up God help us that's all right for tonight now the lumpy old jingly bed always reminds me of old Cohen I suppose he scratched himself in it often enough and he thinks father bought it from Lord Napier that I used to admire when I was a little girl because I told him easy piano O I like my bed God here we are as bad as ever after 16 years how many houses were we in at all Raymond Terrace and Ontario terrace and Lombard street and Holles street and he goes about whistling every time were on the run again his Huguenots or the frogs march pretending to help the men with our 4 sticks of furniture and then the City Arms hotel worse and worse says Warden Daly that charming place on the landing always somebody inside praying then leaving all their stinks after them always know who was in there last every time were just getting on right something happens or he puts his big foot in it Thoms and Helys and Mr. Cuffes and Drimmies either he's going to be run into prison over his old lottery tickets that was to be all our salvations or he goes and gives impudence well have him coming home with the sack soon out of the Freeman too like the rest on account of those Sinner Fein or the Freemasons then well see if the little man he showed me dribbling along in the wet all by himself round by Coady's lane will give him much consolation that he says is so capable and sincerely Newfie he is indeed judging by the sincerity of the trousers I saw on him wait there's Georges church bells wait 3 quarters the hour wait 2 o'clock well that's a nice hour of the night for him to be coming home at to anybody climbing down into the area if anybody saw him I'll knock him off that little habit tomorrow first I'll look at his shirt to see or I'll see if he has that French letter still in his pocketbook I suppose he thinks I don't know deceitful men all their 20 pockets aren't enough for their lies then why should we tell them even if its the truth they don't believe you then tucked up in bed like those babies in the Aristocrats Masterpiece he brought me another time as if we had not enough of that in real life without some old Aristocrat or whatever his name is disgusting you more with those rotten pictures children with two heads and no legs that's the kind of villainy they're always dreaming about with not another thing in their empty heads they ought to get slow poison the half of them then tea and toast for him buttered on both sides and new laid eggs I suppose I'm nothing any more when I wouldn't let him lick me in Holles street one night man man tyrant as ever for the one thing he slept on the floor half the night naked the way the Jews used when somebody dies belonged to them and wouldn't eat any breakfast or speak a word wanting to be petted so I thought I stood out enough for one time and let him he does it all wrong too thinking only of his own pleasure his tongue is too flat or I don't know what he forgets that we then I don't I'll make him do it again if he doesn't mind himself and lock him down to sleep in the coal cellar with the blackbeetles I wonder was it her Josie off her head with my castoffs he's such a born liar too no he'd never have the courage with a married woman that's why he wants me and Vallencourt though as for her Denis as she calls him that forlorn-looking spectacle you couldn't call him a husband yes its some little bitch he's got in with even when I was with him with Nina at the College races that Hornblower with the childs bonnet on the top on his nob let us into by the back way he was throwing his sheep's eyes at those two doing skirt duty up and down I tried to wink at him first no use of course and that's the way his money goes this is the fruits of Mr. Dean Crowe yes they were all in great style at the grand funeral in the paper Vallencourt brought in if they saw a real officers funeral that'd be something reversed arms muffled drums the poor horse walking behind in black L. Braswell and Tom Kernan that drunken little barrelly man that bit his tongue off falling down the men's W.C. drunk in some place or other and Martin Cunningham and the two Aameses and Fanny MCoys husband white head of cabbage skinny thing with a turn in her eye trying to sing my songs shed want to be born all over again and her old green dress with the low neck as she cant attract them any other way like dabbling on a rainy day I see it all now plainly and they call that friendship killing and then burying one another and they all with their wives and families at home more especially Jack Power keeping that barmaid he does of course his wife always sick or going to be sick or just getting better of it and he's a good-looking man still though he's getting a bit grey over the ears they're a nice lot all of them well they're not going to get my husband again into their clutches if I can help it making fun of him then behind his back I know well when he goes on with his idiotics because he has sense enough not to squander every penny piece he earns down their gullets and looks after his wife and family goodfornothings poor Dean Crowe all the same I'm sorry in a way for him what are his wife and 5 children going to do unless he was insured comical little teetotum always stuck up in some pub corner and her or her son waiting Bill Bailey wont you please come home her widows weeds wont improve her appearance they're awfully becoming though if you're good-looking what men wasn't he yes he was at the Glencree dinner and Ben Dollard base barrel tone the night he borrowed the swallowtail to sing out of in Holles street squeezed and squashed into them and grinning all over his big Dolly face like a well-whipped child's ass didn't he look a balmy ballocks sure enough that must have been a spectacle on the stage imagine paying 50 dollars in the preserved seats for that to see him and David Aames too he was always turning up half screwed singing the second verse first the old love is the new was one of his so sweetly sang the maiden on the hawthorn bough he was always on for flirtyfying too when I sang Maritana with him at Freddy Mayers private opera he had a delicious glorious voice Phbe dearest goodbye sweetheart he always sang it not like Bartell d'Arcy sweet tart goodbye of course he had the gift of the voice so there was no art in it all over you like a warm shower bath O Maritana wildwood flower we sang splendidly though it was a bit too high for my register even transposed and he was married at the time to May Goulding but then he'd say or do something to knock the good out of it he's a widower now I wonder what sort is his son he says he's an author and going to be a university professor of Italian and I'm to take lessons what is he driving at now showing him my photo its not good of me I ought to have got it taken in drapery that never looks out of fashion still I look young in it I wonder he didn't make him a present of it altogether and me too after all why not I saw him driving down to the Kingsbridge station with his father and mother I was in mourning that's 11 years ago now yes he'd be 11 though what was the good in going into mourning for what was neither one thing nor the other of course he insisted he'd go into mourning for the cat I suppose he's a man now by this time he was an innocent boy then and a darling little fellow in his lord Fauntleroy suit and curly hair like a prince on the stage when I saw him at Mat Mitchell's he liked me too I remember they all do wait by God yes wait yes hold on he was on the cards this morning when I laid out the deck union with a young stranger neither dark nor fair you met before I thought it meant him but he's no chicken nor a stranger either besides my face was turned the other way what was the 7th card after that the 10 of spaces for a Journey by land then there was a letter on its way and scandals too the 3 queens and the 8 of diamonds for a rise in society yes wait it all came out and 2 red 8s for new garments look at that and didn't I dream something too yes there was something about poetry in it I hope he hasn't long greasy hair hanging into his eyes or standing up like a red Indian what do they go about like that for only getting themselves and their poetry laughed at I always liked poetry when I was a girl first I thought he was a poet like Byron and not an ounce of it in his composition I thought he was quite different I wonder is he too young he's about wait 88 I was married 88 Nina is 15 yesterday 89 what age was he then at Mitchells 5 or 6 about 88 I suppose he's 20 or more I'm not too old for him if he's 23 or 24 I hope he's not that stuck up university student sort no otherwise he wouldn't go sitting down in the old kitchen with him taking Eppss cocoa and taking of course he pretended to understand it all probably he told him he was out of Trinity college he's very young to be a professor I hope he's not a professor like Goodwin was he was a patent professor of John Jameson they all write about some woman in their poetry well I suppose he wont find many like me where softly sighs of love the light guitar where poetry is in the air the blue sea and the moon shining so beautifully coming back on the night boat from Tarifa the lighthouse at Europa point the guitar that fellow played was so expressive will I never go back there again all new faces two glancing eyes a lattice hid I'll sing that for him they're my eyes if he's anything of a poet two eyes as darkly bright as loves own star aren't those beautiful words as loves young star it'll be a change the Lord knows to have an intelligent person to talk to about yourself not always listening to him and Billy Prescotts ad and Keyess ad and Tom the Devils ad then, if anything goes wrong in their business we have to suffer I'm sure he's very distinguished I'd like to meet a man like that God not those other ruck besides he's young those fine young men I could see down in Margate strand bathing place from the side of the rock standing up in the sun naked like a God or something and then plunging into the sea with them why aren't all men like that there'd be some consolation for a woman like that lovely little statue he bought I could look at him all day long and it's no small consolation that some of the young boys are hung like horses, no reason for a boy to have a cock so big on him hurting every girl he plunges into making them cry but they could make me cry anytime anywhere I swear the 2 Henning brothers are 9 inches soft if they're 1 inch what pray thee are the when fully erect at such a tender age Jesus be praised ohmygod my womb contracts wanting to be possessed by 20 horny boys alone in a room willing to rape me over and over until I scream splitting their ears into one spine-shattering orgasm after another wavy haired and his broad shoulders his massive penis all standing up for you too if they don't flirt with me or ask me about my breast rack I will consider raping one of those boys soon enough yes soon enough maybe even getting pregnant and having a few of their children that would show my pervert of a cheating husband a thing yes for sure now listen there's real beauty and poetry for you I often felt I wanted to kiss him all over also his lovely young cock there so simply I wouldn't mind taking him in my mouth if nobody was looking as if it was asking you to suck it so clean and white he looked with his boyish face I would too in half a minute even if some of it went down what its only like gruel or the dew there's no danger besides he'd be so clean compared with those pigs of men I suppose never dream of washing it from 1 year's end to the other the most of them only that's what gives the women the moustaches I'm sure it'll be grand if I can only get in with a handsome young poet at my age I'll throw them the first thing in the morning till I see if the wish card comes out or I'll try pairing the lady herself and see if he comes out I'll read and study all I can find or learn a bit off by heart if I knew who he likes so he wont think me stupid if he thinks all women are the same and I can teach him the other part I'll make him feel all over him till he half faints under me then hell write about me lover and mistress publicly too with our 2 photographs in all the papers when he becomes famous O but then what am I going to do about him though.

No that's no way for him has he no manners nor no refinement nor no nothing in his nature slapping us behind like that on my bottom because I didn't call him Ed the ignoramus that doesn't know poetry from a cabbage that's what you get for not keeping them in their proper place pulling off his shoes and trousers there on the chair before me so barefaced without even asking permission and standing out that vulgar way in the half of a shirt they wear to be admired like a priest or a butcher or those old hypocrites in the time of Julius Caesar of course he's right enough in his way to pass the time as a joke sure you might as well be in bed with what with a lion God I'm sure he'd have something better to say for himself an old Lion would O well I suppose its because they were so plump and tempting in my short petticoat he couldn't resist they excite myself sometimes its well for men all the amount of pleasure they get off a woman's body were so round and white for them always I wished I was one myself for a change just to try with that thing they have swelling upon you so hard and at the same time so soft when you touch it my uncle John has a thing long I heard those corner boys saying passing the corner of Marrowbone lane my aunt Mary has a thing hairy because it was dark and they knew a girl was passing it didn't make me blush why should it either its only nature and he puts his thing long into my aunt Mary's hairy etcetera and turns out to be you put the handle in a sweeping brush men again all over they can pick and choose what they please a married woman or a fast widow or a girl for their different tastes like those houses round behind Newfoundland street no but were to be always chained up they're not going to be chaining me up no damn fear once I start I tell you for stupid husbands jealousy why cant we all remain friends over it instead of quarrelling her husband found it out what they did together well naturally and if he did can he undo it he's coronado anyway whatever he does and then he going to the other mad extreme about the wife in Fair Tyrants of course the man never even casts a 2nd thought on the husband or wife either its the woman he wants and he gets her what else were we given all those desires for I'd like to know I cant help it if I'm young still can I its a wonder I'm not an old shriveled hag before my time living with him so cold never embracing me except sometimes when he's asleep the wrong end of me not knowing I suppose who he has any man that'd kiss a woman's bottom I'd throw my hat at him after that he'd kiss anything unnatural where we havent 1 atom of any kind of expression in us all of us the same 2 lumps of lard before ever I do that to a man pfooh the dirty brutes the mere thought is enough I kiss the feet of you senorita there's some sense in that didn't he kiss our hall door yes he did what a madman nobody understands his cracked ideas but me still of course a woman wants to be embraced 20 times a day almost to make her look young no matter by who so long as to be in love or loved by somebody if the fellow you want isn't there sometimes by the Lord God I was thinking would I go around by the quays there some dark evening where nobody'd know me and pick up a sailor off the sea that'd be hot on for it and not care a pin whose I was only to do it off up in a gate somewhere or one of those wild-looking gypsies in Rathfarnham had their camp pitched near the Bloomfield laundry to try and steal our things if they could I only sent mine there a few times for the name model laundry sending me back over and over some old ones old white lace stockings that black guard-looking fellow with the fine eyes peeling a switch attack me in the dark and ride me up against the wall without a word or a murderer anybody what they do themselves the fine gentlemen in their silk hats that K C lives up somewhere this way coming out of Hardwicke lane the night he gave us the fish supper on account of winning over the boxing match of course it was for me he gave it I knew him by his gaiters and the walk and when I turned round a minute after just to see there was a woman after coming out of it too some filthy prostitute then he goes home to his wife after that only I suppose the half of those sailors are rotten again with disease O move over your big carcass out of that for the love of Mike listen to him the winds that waft my sighs to thee so well he may sleep and sigh the great Suggester Don Poldo de la Flora if he knew how he came out on the cards this morning he'd have something to sigh for a dark man in some perplexity between 2 sevens too in prison for Lord knows what he does that I don't know and I'm to be slooching around down in the kitchen to get his lordship his breakfast while he's rolled up like a mummy will I indeed did you ever see me running I'd just like to see myself at it show them attention and they treat you like dirt I don't care what anybody says it'd be much better for the world to be governed by the women in it you wouldn't see women going and killing one another and slaughtering when do you ever see women rolling around drunk like they do or gambling every penny they have and losing it on horses yes because a woman whatever she does she knows where to stop sure they wouldn't be in the world at all only for us they don't know what it is to be a woman and a mother how could they where would they all of them be if they had not all a mother to look after them what I never had that's why I suppose he's running wild now out at night away from his books and studies and not living at home on account of the usual rowdy house I suppose well its a poor case that those that have a fine son like that they're not satisfied and I none was he not able to make one it wasn't my fault we came together when I was watching the two dogs up in her behind in the middle of the naked street that disheartened me altogether I suppose I oughtn't to have buried him in that little wool jacket I knitted crying as was but give it to some poor child but I knew well I'd never have another our 1st death too it was we were never the same since O I'm not going to think myself into the glooms about that any more I wonder why he wouldn't stay the night I felt all the time it was somebody strange he brought in instead of roving around the city meeting God knows who nightwalkers and pickpockets his poor mother wouldn't like that if she was alive ruining himself for life perhaps still its a lovely hour so silent I used to love coming home after dances the air of the night they have friends they can talk to we've none either he wants what he wont get or its some woman ready to stick her knife in you I hate that in women no wonder they treat us the way they do we are a dreadful lot of bitches I suppose its all the troubles we have makes us so snappy I'm not like that he could easy have slept in there on the sofa in the other room suppose he was as shy as a boy he being so young hardly 20 of me in the next room he'd have heard me on the chamber arrah what harm Aames I wonder its like those names in Gibraltar Delapaz Delagracia they had the devils queer names there father Vial plana of Santa Maria that gave me the rosary Rosales y O'Reilly in the Calle las Siete Revueltas and Pisimbo and Mrs. Opisso in Governor street O what a name I'd go and drown myself in the first river if I had a name like her O my and all the bits of streets Paradise ramp and Bedlam ramp and Rodgers ramp and Crutchetts ramp and the devils gap steps well small blame to me if I am a harumscarum I know I am a bit I declare to God I don't feel a day older than then I wonder could I get my tongue round any of the Spanish como esta usted muy bien gracias y usted see I haven't forgotten it all I thought I had only for the grammar a noun is the name of any person place or thing pity I never tried to read that novel cantankerous Mrs. Rubio lent me by Valera with the questions in it all upside down the two ways I always knew wed go away in the end I can tell him the Spanish and he tell me the Italian then hell see I'm not so ignorant what a pity he didn't stay I'm sure the poor fellow was dead tired and wanted a good sleep badly I could have brought him in his breakfast in bed with a bit of toast so long as I didn't do it on the knife for bad luck or if the woman was going her rounds with the watercress and something nice and tasty there are a few olives in the kitchen he might like I never could bear the look of them in Abrines I could do the criada the room looks all right since I changed it the other way you see something was telling me all the time I'd have to introduce myself not knowing me from Adam very funny wouldn't it I'm his wife or pretend we were in Spain with him half awake without a Gods notion where he is dos huevos estrellados senor Lord the cracked things come into my head sometimes it'd be great fun supposing he stayed with us why not there's the room upstairs empty and Nina's bed in the back room he could do his writing and studies at the table in there for all the scribbling he does at it and if he wants to read in bed in the morning like me as he's making the breakfast for I he can make it for 2 I'm sure I'm not going to take in lodgers off the street for him if he takes a gesabo of a house like this I'd love to have a long talk with an intelligent well-educated person I'd have to get a nice pair of red slippers like those Turks with the fez used to sell or yellow and a nice semitransparent morning gown that I badly want or a peach blossom dressing jacket like the one long ago in Walpoles only 8/6 or 18/6 I'll just give him one more chance I'll get up early in the morning I'm sick of Cohen's old bed in any case I might go over to the markets to see all the vegetables and cabbages and tomatoes and carrots and all kinds of splendid fruits all coming in lovely and fresh who knows who'd be the 1st man I'd meet they're out looking for it in the morning Delaina Mitchell used to say they are and the night too that was her mass-going I'd love a big juicy pear now to melt in your mouth like when I used to be in the longing way then I'll throw him up his eggs and tea in the moustache cup she gave him to make his mouth bigger I suppose he'd like my nice cream too I know what I'll do I'll go about rather gay not too much singing a bit now and then mi fa pieti Masetto then I'll start dressing myself to go out presto non son pill forte I'll put on my best G-cup bra and panties let him have a good eyeful out of that to make his big prick stand for him I'll let him know if that's what he wanted that his wife is fucked yes and damn well fucked too up to my neck nearly not by him 5 or 6 times hand running there's the mark of his spunk on the clean sheet I wouldn't bother to even iron it out that ought to satisfy him if you don't believe me feel my belly unless I made him stand there and put him into me I've a mind to tell him every scrap and make him do it in front of me serve him right its all his own fault if I am an adulteress as the thing in the gallery said O much about it if that's all the harm ever we did in this vale of tears God knows its not much doesn't everybody only they hide it I suppose that's what a woman is supposed to be there for or He wouldn't have made us the way He did so attractive to men then if he wants to kiss my pussylips I'll slide open my panties and stick it right in his face as large as life he can stick his tongue 7 miles up my cunt as he's there my quim then I'll tell him I want one fantastic orgasm or perhaps 30 from him - I'll tell him I want to buy underclothes then if he gives me that well he wont be too bad I don't want to soak it all out of him like other women do I could often have written out a fine check for myself and write his name on it for a couple of hundred dollars a few times he forgot to lock it up besides he wont spend it I'll let him do it off on me behind provided he doesn't soak all my good panties O I suppose that cant be helped I'll do the indifferent I or 2 questions I'll know by the answers when he's like that he cant keep a thing back I know every turn in him I'll tighten my ass well and let out a few dirty words fuckmyass or lick my slit or the first mad thing comes into my head then I'll suggest about yes O wait now sonny my turn is coming I'll be quite gay and friendly over it O but I was forgetting this goddamned pest of a thing pfooh you wouldn't know which to laugh or cry were such a mixture of plum and apple no I'll have to wear the old things so much the better it'll be more pointed hell never know whether he did it nor not there that's good enough for you any old thing at all then I'll wipe him off me just like a business his omission then I'll go out I'll have him eyeing up at the ceiling where is she gone now make him want me that's the only way a quarter after what an unearthly hour I suppose they're just getting up in China now combing out their pigtails for the day well soon have the nuns ringing the angelus they've nobody coming in to spoil their sleep except an odd priest or two for his night office the alarm clock next door at cock shout clattering the brains out of itself let me see if I can doze off 1 2 3 4 5 what kind of flowers are those they invented like the stars the wallpaper in Lombard street was much nicer the apron he gave me was like that something only I only wore it twice better lower this lamp and try again so as I can get up early I'll go to Lambe's there beside Findlater's and get them to send us some flowers to put about the place in case he brings him home tomorrow today I mean no no Fridays an unlucky day first I want to do the place up someway the dust grows in it I think while I'm asleep then we can have music and cigarettes I can accompany him first I must clean the keys of the piano with milk what'll I wear shall I wear a white rose or those fairy cakes in Lipton's I love the smell of a rich big shop at 3 dollars a lb or the other ones with the cherries in them and the pinky sugar lid a couple of lbs of course a nice plant for the middle of the table I'd get that cheaper in wait where as this I saw them not long ago I love flowers I'd love to have the whole place swimming in roses God of heaven there's nothing like nature the wild mountains then the sea and the waves rushing then the beautiful country with fields of oats and wheat and all kinds of things and all the fine cattle going about that would do your heart good to see rivers and lakes and flowers all sorts of shapes and smells and colors springing up even out of the ditches primroses and violets nature it is as for them saying there's no God I wouldn't give a snap of my two fingers for all their learning why don't they go and create something I often asked him atheists or whatever they call themselves go and wash the cobbles off themselves first then they go howling for the priest and they dying and why why because they're afraid of hell on account of their bad conscience ah yes I know them well who was the first person in the universe before there was anybody that made it all who ah that they don't know neither do I so there you are they might as well try to stop the sun from rising tomorrow the sun shines for you he said the day we were lying among the rhododendrons on Howth head in the grey tweed suit and his straw hat the day I got him to propose to me yes first I gave him the bit of seedcake out of my mouth and it was leap year like now yes 16 years ago my God after that long kiss I near lost my breath yes he said was a flower of the mountain yes so we are flowers all a woman's body yes that was one true thing he said in his life and the sun shines for you today yes that was why I liked him because I saw he understood or felt what a woman is and I knew I could always get round him and I gave him all the pleasure I could leading him on till he asked me to say yes and I wouldn't answer first only looked out over the sea and the sky I was thinking of so many things he didn't know of Byrne and Mr. Stanhope and Hester and father and old captain Groves and the sailors playing all birds fly and I say stoop and washing up dishes they called it on the pier and the sentry in front of the governors house with the thing round his white helmet poor devil half roasted and the Spanish girls laughing in their shawls and their tall combs and the auctions in the morning the Greeks and the Jews and the Arabs and the devil knows who else from all the ends of Europe and Duke street and the fowl market all clucking outside Larby Sharan's and the poor donkeys slipping half asleep and the vague fellows in the cloaks asleep in the shade on the steps and the big wheels of the carts of the bulls and the old castle thousands of years old yes and those handsome Moors all in white and turbans like kings asking you to sit down in their little bit of a shop and Ronda with the old windows of the posadas glancing eyes a lattice hid for her lover to kiss the iron and the wine shops half open at night and the castanets and the night we missed the boat at Algeciras the watchman going about serene with his lamp and O that awful deep down torrent O and the sea the sea crimson sometimes like fire and the glorious sunsets and the fig trees in the Alameda gardens yes and all the queer little streets and pink and blue and yellow houses and the rose gardens and the jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as a girl where I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my immense breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will now Yes.



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The End
© Kysa Braswell
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