You might have heard about Girl Scouts cookie sales. The reality is more shocking.
This is not a story. This is nonsense, based on alleged contributions on more or less the same subject. It is believed but not proven, that every `Girl Scout Cookies' story has to contain three elements: cookies, girl scouts, and a thesaurus. The claim that all the female figures have to wear sweaters with a turtleneck is bullshit.
From the "Times of Middlesex", Friday, January 20, 2006:
Scandal in the RAF - The Queen is Shocked
By Denny T. Camera, Alleged Press correspondent
Hoisington, London, and Prague. — An unbelievable scandal is causing the Royal Air Force to quake in their boots. The latest Girl Scout campaign to sell cookies for fundraising has been abused. In several British towns, girls in scout uniforms could be seen standing in front of RAF barracks selling their wares. The local commander wondered why so many soldiers were interested with the cookies, as in the past most problems had occurred with their drinking habit.
It was in Hoisington, Middlesex, that Wing Commander Antony Profumo revealed the real reason for the successful campaign. The result was shocking. It turned out that most girl scouts were offering not only cookies, but other services as well. At least 157 girl scouts from another 24 local councils were also involved in this scandal.
"We had to use a thesaurus (and even that didn't help) to decode the full assortment of services offered. 'Eggnog cookies' was revealed to be the code for a full unprotected oral treatment of the male member, usually RAF only, as only uniformed personnel got serviced. Normal intercourse was referred to as 'Lemon Coolers', since most of the young hookers were cleaning themselves afterwards with small paper tissues, perfumed with this scent. 'Little Brownie Bakers' meant what it suggested. Our informant, Mr. Phelbs, is still working on the meaning of 'Creampie Cookies'. We also wondered why some of the girl scouts were offering fish and chips as well."
The spokesman for the Ministry of Confusion, Mr. Frank McBall, declined to comment when we confronted him with this never-seen-before event, but a servant for Queen Elizabeth II stated that Her Royal Highness was not amused when she was informed by Mr. Blair, the Prime Minister, that Prince Philip had been seen with a 16-year-old girl scout, Vivian K.
Unofficial sources speak of an attempt by the media csar, Norbert Durmock, to destroy the British Monarchy. This press giant might or might not own a thesaurus, but he should be aware of the fact that the British Monarchy is synonymous with scandals which appear to be even more synonymous with the successful selling of yellow press magazines and boulevard newspapers.
This story is dedicated to the memory of the 42 Slovakian soldiers and crew members, who died January 19, 2006, on an airplane crash near Telkibánya on the Hungarian-Slovakian border. They were returning from a six month period of service in Kosovo. Only one survived.
Franz Kafka
© Franz Kafka79 2006
