This is not like any of my other stories. its about abuse and consequences and about a life of one man. it can be classes as no-sex, however abuse with consequences
I had many questions from people that read excerpts of this and sent me a message asking a question. I decided to answer these questions as a conclusion.
Why is this called Secret upon Secrets?
“Many people in my life have told me that I was hard to get to know. They could not get below the surface of me. This is right. I never opened enough because I never trusted anyone. This means I had many secrets, some that I have forgotten. This was a ‘tell it all’ book that tells the most important things, deep to the core.”
Were you honest in everything?
“Yes, and this was not hard to do. I wanted to write everything as I remembered and experienced. This being said, the chronology may be a bit wrong and I am sure people would disagree on some things, as they experienced them differently. But my wish was to write the truth, from my side of things
Will Mia read this?
“She will be offered to read it. I really do not know if she will and a bit of me doubts it. However, she may be curious. If she does read it, she may understand me a bit better, and our love story could be ended in a better note”
Will your boys read this?
“They have said they wish to read it.”
Will your parents read this?
“I do not wish my parents to read this, as they would be hurt at some things I wrote.”
Why do you not write the name of the man here?
“This man could be anyone. Your
neighbour… your friend… etc.
As I was writing in the
first
person, I did
not see the need to write it”
Were you a sissy as a child?
“No. I had long page style hair at times and some said I looked like a girl. However, I do not think I did. I was dressed as a sissy when I was with Kevin, and I must admit, I did like pretending I was a girl”
What do you think of the pictures of you that can still be found?
“This bothers me. I am lucky that most must have been lost because they were taken in the pre-digital world. I know that sissy pictures of me are on the net. I heard that some porno ones are on the darknet , but I never went there to see. The fact that pictures can be seen feels like the abuse is remembered and celebrated by someone masturbating to them. This is not how I want to be remembered”
Did you like being with men or the boys at school
“I switched off when I had sex as a child and teen. My body would react and would be stimulated, but my mind would be in turmoil”
Did you like the diapers?
“I mostly wore them at boarding school and was afraid others would know. I did like them, however . They made me feel younger and safer . It was like my private area was well covered and unavailable. The security I felt was very important and I often think this could be a reason why I wet the bed”
Do you still wet the bed?
“The year before I was arrested, my plumbing had problems and I had problems in bed for a few years after. However, it has not been a problem for some time, I know when i wet that my brain wants to regress”
Do you regret you did not become a priest?
“Yes! I think I would have had a different life and giving the world far more if I was a priest or religious brother. I do know I was a rebel. I think I was never wanted because I was so hard to get to know. On the other side, if I became a priest, there would be no Christopher and Sebastian. I think the world needs my children!”
Was Mia the true love?
“Of course she was and always will be. She will not agree to it, but we had something special. It was just destroyed.”
Do you still love Mia?
“ Yes, and I will always love her or love her the way she was. This does not mean I could live with her. Too much has happened and h as been said”
Do you still like Madonna?
“Yes. Madonna has some great music and she is a strong person. Her music has given me a distraction from abuse at times, and it told me to be strong and brave. I do not think I would ever be a good friend if we ever met, and she would be too sexual for me. However, her influence is obvious. I have been a rebel at times and was quite good at provoking!”
Did you get married too early?
“No. We were ready and in love”
Are you mad you stayed in Denmark?
“This is something that could have changed our lives if we kept to our original plan. I am not mad at Mia for breaking her promise. I stayed in Denmark after the divorce because my children are here.”
Do you have a good relationship with your brothers?
“No. I have no contact with my older brother. I have very little with my younger one and the one in prison is nothing, although I will write to him when he gets out. It’s a shame that we do not have a close family”
Did Mia know you tried suicide so many times?
“No.”
Do you miss your work in the kindergarten ?
“Yes. I felt like I made a difference and helped. I miss the stress and how important I was for children and parents”
Do you consider yourself a paedophile ?
“I have paedophile tendencies. However, I do not think sexual contact with children is right and can see the consequences. I think when I was abused, my boundaries were moved a lot, and this created these tendencies”
What about a monster?
“I think I was a monster! Some of the things I did to Mia are nearly evil. I think I have changed a lot and think now more how my actions affect people.”
What about sick?
“In the mental sense yes. I think some people do not understand the mental problems I have. Some say they are not all that serious. I can say I am not as bad as others, but overall there are serious problems”
Where you a good husband
“I loved Mia. I just did not always show it. Sometimes I treated her like shit and took her for granted. I did not fully respect her talents and her strong side. I always considered Mia as the perfect wife”
Where you a good dad?
“No! This is especially with Christopher. I tried to make him to the son I thought would be the ideal one, and could not see that he was already that. I pushed him away by ignoring him and demanding so much of him. He did not have an easy childhood and much of it was my fault”
Did Mia know you looked at Child Porno?
“She says no, but she did find a floppy disc with pictures and warned me several times. I think she chose to look the other way.”
Do you think you molested Sandra?
“Sandra was 7, but she was sexually aware and like a small Lolita. I did stop her advances, but I could have been quicker. I think she was being molested by someone else closer, and when forced to say a name… it was mine. It is strange that she was confused why I would not speak with her after the police questioned me."
If you were not caught, would you have molested a girl?
“This is a hard question and I believe I would not have molested a child. At the same time, I had no problems when they sat on my lap. Could this have led somewhere? I hope not. I wanted the best for every child, so this is why I believe that I would have protected them.”
Do you ever see Anneke again?
“This was the girl that had a dad that died of Cancer. I promised I would be there for her. She drew me a drawing when I was at the psychiatric hospital. But I have not seen her since”
Do you still believe in God? Do you believe you will go to heaven or earth?
“I believe in God, just think he is absent at times or on holidays! Mia and her family are very Christian, and I questioned their empathy and the way I suddenly was an outcast . Is this the Christian way? Slowly I could see how good Christians could be on the catholic sim in Second Life . I do not think I deserve heaven, but I hope that God will show mercy”
Are you friends with Mia on Facebook?
“No. I have never added her, as I think if she wanted to, she could add me. I do not think she wishes it”
If Mia died, will you go to her funeral?
"Strange question. I doubt it, as I do not think she would want it. It would be hypocritical that we never talked when we were alive. She is welcome to mine. Again my experience from when I had cancer indicate that she would not come to mine”
Do you still write stories?
“Yes. I have written about 150 short stories”
Will you babysit Christopher's child?
“I doubt it. Mia can babysit as well as Christopher’s wife's family. With my background, I doubt I would be trusted. I do hope I am part of the child's life, and the child will visit me once in a while”
What is your relationship with Mia now?
“Nothing. We do not speak or meet. I would love we could meet once in a while and have a friendship, but Mia made it quite clear this is not her wish. If we were to do this, it would have to be her wish.”
What is your relationship with you parents now?
“They at times do not respect me. I have let my hair grow long and they are demanding I cut it. I love my parents and know they will never get emotional or sentimental. However, they do their best”
What is your relationship with Mia's family now?
“None. I spoke with Mia’s mother at the wedding. They still send Christmas cards to my parents. However, they have moved on!”
What is your relationship with Christopher now?
“Christopher is married, expecting a child and has a good job. He is smart and sensible. He is also caring and down to earth. I am very proud of him. In a way, the crises of being divorced woke me up. I could see how far I pushed him away. I could see how much I hurt him. Christopher visits me when he can and we have a good relationship that in time will may be stronger. If I did not wake up, I doubt we would be on speaking terms now. So my wish is he knows I am trying my best to be there for him”
What is your relationship with Sebastian now?
“While Christopher schedules more, Sebastian is more spontaneous . He can call me and ask if he could come at any time. He has grown to be a very smart, courageous and open man. He studies politics. He also very socially aware and cares for others. Considering what both my boys went through, they have both become something this world needs! Sebastian and I have a good relationship now, and I feel blessed that I am part of it
I was the victim as a child and played on being the victim all my life. This led me to feel the whole world was against me. In return, I did not trust others. My life became me as an island, and I did not totally see how bad I treated others and did not consider how I treated people I love as dirt. My boundaries were moved, so at the end, I had committed a crime that victimised others the way I was. I did not trust anyone and did not ask for help or think I needed help. It ended where I lost everything. My love… my job… my friends…. My mind and nearly my children
Take an example from me…
Do not be a victim. Take control!
Note from Alexander Temple
This was a difficult story to write, as it is very complex
and has a lot small bits and pieces that i try to fit
together. I wanted to make the reader ask is this real and
decide it could be real. It does have real life experiences
in it
Its different than my other stories, which also was a
challenge
I hope it inspired some people to think
AT
The End
Index of parts to this story