Painting with Pink

I tell you, i thought it was an ugly thing. i mean, i'd been raised to believe it was a sin...

we watched them play since they were babies, my daughter josie, and her best friend mae. we just thought they were so cute!

i always worried about josie, how she didn't seem to like what other girls liked. you know, dresses and frilly things? i mean, she was whimpering and pulling at her dresses before she could even walk! like they were some kind of poison that was burning her skin. if i didn't get that pink lacy collar off her immediately, she'd wail like i was putting fire to her neck.

there's no way it was a conscious choice of styles, at that age. how could she know even back then?

she was happiest in overalls, playing in the dirt with trucks and shovels... and climbing trees. she loved being up in trees more than she liked a whole room full of dolls.

her teacher loved her, said she was the most mature student she had. but she also commented how josie just plain wouldn't let anyone tell her what kind of things she was "supposed" to like - as a girl, i mean.

i guess i have to admit i was kind of embarassed by her. i mean, it was okay at home. i might've wished she'd just act like a girl, and all, but she was happier, you know? we had peace. but when we'd all get all gussied up for a social event, and i'd dress her in the most beautiful dresses, and curl her golden hair all nice and fluffy like? she'd pout the whole damn time. i remember one time we were at one of those company events, a picnic or something, and her hair kept falling in her face when she was trying to play ball with all the boys, you know? why, she actually found a pair of scissors and started chopping off her hair!

and everyone started making jokes about her. "there she goes again, mabel. your little boy in a girl's body!" you know, how those, those...tranvegans, or whatever they're called, talk about theirselves?

well, i was mortified! we dragged her out of that event, lickety-split, and i gave her a lickin soon as we got in the car. i mean, i felt awful hitting her like that, but i was just dying from the shame and all!

what were we supposed to do? here i got this boy-girl child, and i don't know what in the world i'm going to do about her!

one day when she was about ten, i was cleaning house and she was upstairs playing. i remember thinking how nice and quiet she was, playing by herself n all. letting me get my work done. i should've known she was up to something, though. it wasn't like her to let me completely alone for so many hours at a time. so i went to check on her.

i swear i could've passed right out, with what i found. she'd gone and got herself all dressed up in her brother's sunday suit! there she was looking at herself in the mirror, tying his tie in a perfect knot. and i could see she was liking how she looked, standing all straight and tall - not like she usually did. all hunched over and shy like, she usually was.

you know, i have to admit i was a bit taken aback by how...how, well, handsome she looked. i mean, at that moment even i was confused!

then there was her baseball playing. that was before girls could play on boys' teams. she loved baseball. and she was a natural. football too!

but even though she was one of the best, they all still made fun of her all the time. what a tomboy she was, and all.

when she turned thirteen, i was looking for her birthday present. i always gave the kids some nice clothes on their birthdays. special outfits, you know? i looked and looked for a special outfit for her...

you know, i just knew she'd hate everything i looked at.

so i went over to the boys' department, and i immediately found a dozen outfits i knew she'd love. that shook me up plenty, i can tell you. but i bought her one outfit there, a velour pullover and matching jeans.

then i was amazed to find, right there in the ladies' department, a three piece suit... it was what you'd call "men's cut" style. it had a skirt, but it also had slacks - well no, i think i'd have to call them trousers. i just knew right away she'd love it.

i'd never seen her so happy with a present. well, not since she was eighteen months old and we gave her that model rocket ship she'd been begging us for - i swear i actually wondered that day if she could maybe be some kind of outer-space being, or something.

anyway, the suit. she literally jumped for joy! she ran over to me and threw her arms around me, thanking me over and over, and dancing around holding that suit jacket up to her. you know what's odd? her dancing and grinning like that? why, it was the most feminine look i'd ever seen on her.

see, i was getting just as confused as i was thinking she was!

but she wasn't really confused at all. she knew exactly what she liked.

there was this time when she just started high school, when her guidance counsellor called me in. said how josie was getting a reputation because of some things that were happening at school. like, there was this dancing class they took for gym. well, you know back then girls and boys had separate gym. so, the counsellor told me how the gym teacher came to her saying how josie kind of disturbed her... by how she was dancing with the other girls, you know? she said how the gym teacher looked almost embarrassed to talk about it, too. see, the way the counsellor tells it, or the gym teacher told her, i guess josie was all the rage with the other girls, holding them all close, rubbing herself up against them, and all. and how they were all liking it, like they would if she was a boy.

i mean, like i said, she was handsome. i can't call it pretty, because that really implies too much of a girl's beauty. she was... well, i gotta say it. it's the only word seems to describe it. she looked good, but in such a... well, butch way.

i got to admit there were times i just plain wished the world was different and she could just be the way she was. i mean, who was she really hurting, you know? and it's not like i was just giving in to seeing her like she was a boy, or anything. she wasn't really like a boy, either. more like something in between. or both. and like i said, she was attractive, but she just didn't take to the boys that were attracted to her.

oh, i'm getting ahead of myself. okay, well, after that day when the counsellor called me in, we decided to take her to a doctor. long story short, he sent her to a shrink. i mean, that was even more humiliating than everything else'd already been! our daughter needing a shrink? like she could be mentally defective, or something? or worse, like we'd done things wrong to make her that way. i couldn't even stand to look my best friend in the eye!

i never really found out what happened with that shrink. i mean, after we sent her to him, she kind of just stopped talking to us. i have to admit, i was kind of relieved, you know? i kept telling myself, "the shrink'll take care of this," and feeling relieved it wasn't my problem any more.

odd too, my husband and i never once talked openly about any of this. i'd grouse about it now and then, but he'd always shrug it off and walk away, like he just didn't want to see, and it was all my problem to deal with. he was always busy working, and he was pretty silent with both our kids, but he was civil to them, so i just took it in stride. i thought how at least he wasn't some kind of abusive, like so many are.

anyway, back to josie. damn... i'm not sure i can tell the rest without bursting out in tears, so bear with me, okay?

i left off a whole bunch of things about josie and mae. they were together constantly. for a long time i was just glad that josie had such a good friend. i mean, we liked mae, you know? she was just about a member of our family.

they started sleeping over at each other's places when they were just kids. we always loved having mae there, because josie was so much happier when she was.

when they were in high school, i got kind of worried, though. i mean, they were with each other twenty-four hours a day! if they weren't sleeping over, i'd wake in the middle of the night and hear josie on the phone with her. it got to be a nightly struggle of getting her off that phone to sleep. then first thing in the morning, off she'd run to the bus...

i heard from a neighbor that the other kids had jokes about how nobody better ever sit next to josie on the bus, that that seat was for mae only, and everybody knew it. and how they'd be passing notes, and staring into each other's eyes, like there was nobody else alive in the world. those other kids started calling them names like "lezzies" and "queers" and such.

i didn't like them calling them names like that, but i sure could see why they were. i thought, those girls are surely asking for it, the way they're acting.

they'd get home from school, do homework together, then off they'd go, god knows where, till nightfall.

one day mae's mother and i went out for lunch to talk about the girls. she called me saying she was concerned about their being... what did she call them? inturned. inturned on each other. how they never seemed to see anyone else in the world, but each other. how it was about that time they should be talking about boys, and maybe even dating some.

it kind of shocked me to realize i was feeling grateful we hadn't had to deal with josie dating boys yet, you know? but mae's mother was right that all the rest of the girls were getting interested in boys and dating and... well, normal things.

we talked over lunch and we decided we shouldn't try to force them apart, because doing that just might make them even more... inturned, you know? we agreed we'd each talk with our girls about it, try to get them to make some changes, but not put too much pressure on them. we'd keep an eye on them, but not worry too much, yet.

they were, what, about sixteen by then.

oh god, i don't even know how i can talk about the rest.

okay, i have to, so i will.

we made rules about each girl going to her own home after school, and sleeping over less, and not calling at night. but it didn't matter. once the parents were asleep, they'd find some way to be together, even if they had to sneak out into the night.

i can't count the number of times i got a call in the night asking me to please come get josie from mae's. one, two in the morning! we punished josie, of course. grounded her. took phone privileges. they'd be good for a while and we'd let up on the rules, but then they'd turn around and be out in the middle of the night, or something, again.

so, we compromised with the girls. they could spend weekend days and evenings together, as long as they agreed to some rules. like, they weren't to see each other week nights, or talk on the phone but for a couple minutes at a time. how if they didn't agree to those rules, they couldn't see each other at all any more.

why, josie changed completely! she wouldn't talk to us at all, not ever. every day she stayed in her room playing that guitar of hers until dinner. then she'd be silent, i mean absolutely silent all through dinner. then she'd do her dishes and run right back up to her room.

and she looked so unhappy. i mean, morbidly.

she kept up her school work, thank god, but i don't remember one time she ever came to us like she used to, excited about some school project, or new subject she was studying.

it was like all the life was gone out of her.

every now and then i'd think how i was with my boyfriends at her age, and i'd kind of wonder if it really might be just like that for josie and mae. i mean, look at teenagers, like when they're going steady and all. they're...well, they're inturned. 'only have eyes for' each other, like they say. just like josie and mae, really.

you ever try and pull a teenage couple apart? i mean, force them apart. why, there's classics written about how tragic that can be. christ, think of romeo and juliette! why, to all of us, isn't that a tragic story about the injustice to those kids?

i mean, i started thinking, what if it was the same? what if two girls really could be in that kind of love? how far would i have gone to be with my true love? how far would you?

well, one day - they were seventeen - mae's parents ordered her to start dating boys. i mean, that's how desperate we were getting. most parents would be pleased their daughters wait till they're older to date. some dread them ever dating. and here was mae's parents ordering her to date them.

i overheard josie and mae talking about it. from the sound of them, it was a damn sentence! like as if mae had been sentenced to dating boys! they were downright morose about it.

for a while, josie spent all her time alone. she'd always spent it all with mae, you know? but mae was going out with boys from school, mostly on the weekends - the time josie and her'd always spent together since they were kids.

finally, one day, josie just up and had a date with a boy. oh my, were we ever relieved! both girls dating! usually on double-dates. and they were always casual dates. neither one of those girls would ever put on a dress or some makeup, or something. but still we thought maybe we'd made it past the hardest part. like, maybe they'd turn out, you know, normal, after all? in fact, it was looking like some of those boys were becoming regulars around our homes.

we changed back some of the rules, then. mae could stay over when they got home from their dates, or josie could go to mae's. by the looks of it, they had that usual girl's urge to talk about their boyfriends and their dates.

all i know is it was good to hear them laughing again.

then one night, when mae was sleeping over at our place...

this is hard to talk about.

i woke up in the middle of the night. everything seemed quiet, like they all were sleeping.

i'm sorry. i'm gonna cry.

okay, i'm okay now.

anyway, i smelled something burning. i was worried, so i went to check it out. downstairs, in the rec room, we called it. as i went down the cellar stairs, i saw flickering, like a fire.

i can't say that finding the house on fire would have been worse.

well, just before i rushed through the door, i heard the soft music, and i heard them.

oh god! i can't talk about this!

wait. i can. just a minute.

at first, i thought it was sobbing. i almost burst through the door, out of concern, you know? but then i realized...

the door was open just a crack, and there were candles lit. and it was dark out where i stood, so i could see in, but they couldn't see me there. it's a wonder they didn't hear me gasp, though.

you know, what first struck me was that they were not two girls, but two women. grown, adult women.

the next thing that stunned me was seeing my josie looking into mae's eyes like that.

and her soft, gentle movements. there, for the first time, i was seeing the most feminine expression on her face. i just thought, "womanly."

but at the same time, i was realizing all of what i was seeing.

josie was holding mae's head in one hand. her other hand...

i'm sorry. i can't help but choke up telling this.

her other hand was...

it was up inside of mae. moving so very slowly in and out of her.

and josie was whispering to mae, and mae was moaning and gasping, almost like she was weeping.

of course there was a part of me that thought i ought to bash down that door and drag them apart and away from each other, but that was decided by some other, very suprising part of me.

i was swelled with love and pride for josie! i didn't have time to understand it, right then, but i was seeing...

they were a painting! a gorgeous classical painting of love and passion. and somehow, to me, that painting was an explosion of pink. i was astonished at the pure femininity of what i saw. josie, my beloved daughter, was the most gentle and sensual being i had ever seen. the tenderness of her way with mae made me hurt from all i'd never seen in my child; and, somewhat, from all i'd never had in life, myself. that tender, passionate love, drenching both those women. i mean, to be honest? i felt jealous.

i watched a bit longer - almost paralyzed. i mean, i felt like i was drowning in the feelings they stirred up in me, not to mention my confusion as a mother. so i just crept back upstairs as quietly as i could, and made myself a cup of cocoa. i needed time alone. you know, to clear my head.

"lesbian." i said it out loud. kind of trying out the word, you know? "josie is a lesbian." my god, it explained so much about her! and it wasn't like all those ugly names i'd been so frightened by. it was... they were beautiful. like a movie.

but when i suddenly flashed back on what i saw them doing...

why, i felt awful. like, shame. because... well, because i was, i'll just say it. i was aroused. i mean, i know i felt jealous, but i also felt this... well, this powerful ache. it was like i was starving. you know, for the kind of feelings i saw them have? but feelings i didn't even imagine existed, until right then.

i kept thinking i must be supposed to be upset with josie. you know, punish her for misbehaving, or something? i just sat there for the longest time, trying to imagine what i should do. maybe the worst thing of all was that i couldn't talk with my husband about it. i mean, i was sure he wouldn't do anything dramatic about it, but i knew he wouldn't understand. i didn't want to keep it from him, but i was pretty sure he'd turn against josie for it. mae's mother'd said something similar to me - how she hoped her husband wouldn't get involved, or something. i guess i didn't pay enough attention to what she was really saying.

looking back... well, if i'd acted then, i mean, like looking into the facts about lesbians, and talking to josie about it... well, i just can't help wondering if i could've headed off what happened. it haunts me, you know, wondering that.

anyway, i didn't do anything but keep it to myself and wonder about the best thing to do. so the next weekend, when josie told me they were going out to the movies with "the guys," then would be staying over at mae's, i just told her to "have fun."

i'll never forget thinking, kind of smugly, let's see how mae's mother handles walking in on them. yeah, let's see. yeah, let's leave my josie at the mercy of stangers...

my god, what did i do? at least if i'd talked to her, i could've told her everthing would be okay, that we would deal with it together. oh god, why didn't i at least talk with her? oh god...

wait. it's okay. i just need a minute, please.

okay. well, uh...

it was that saturday night, the middle of the night, that mae's mother called me. she was furious, and i could hear her husband yelling in the background. "i made that girl of yours get out of my house!" she said. "now don't you ever... EVER!" she shouted. "let her anywhere near my mae again!"

i ran out, telling my half-asleep husband that i had to go get josie. i looked, but i didn't see her walking anywhere along the road. by the time i got over there, mae's father's car was gone and i heard her mother on the phone. she was literally ranting, shouting things like "that filthy girl" and "vulgar, perverted," and other things that honestly shocked me.

and josie and mae were nowere to be seen.

i was scared for both girls, but i knew i couldn't deal with mae's parents. so i left, driving slowly, hoping to see them walking toward our home.

well, i actually heard them before i saw them. mae's father was there with them, by the side of the road, and he was shouting and waving his arms around, really wildly. i pulled over and ran toward them, just as he stormed up to mae and hit her, hard, in her face. he was raging at those girls!

"STOP THAT!" i yelled. "you get away from them!"

"you!" he spun on me. "you get that... that pervert away from my daughter!"

"josie, get in my car. now."

"no! he'll hurt her! he's always hurting her!" she turned on him, "you let her alone!" she turned to mae, "come with us, mae, please!"

i saw him raise his hand to josie, so i jumped between them, "don't you dare touch her!"

he faltered, then turned and grabbed mae by the arm, pulling her to his car. josie started to run after them, but mae turned back and said, "josie, go. i'll be better off if you go. i'll call..." but she was already being pushed down into the car.

josie stopped like she'd been turned to stone. i didn't say another word, just put my coat around her and walked her to my car. we were silent all the way home. i probably should've talked to her right then, but she was so far away. and i was sure i'd have another chance!

i need to take a break if i'm to go on. it kills me. i'll be back.

okay. i'll try now.

when we got home, josie just went on up to her room. i have to say i was relieved she did. i was angry, and i didn't know exactly who to be angry at. i just didn't feel fit to be talking to her, right then.

late the next morning, when i didn't see her or hear anything from her room, i checked and found her gone. i remember how that suited me just fine. i guess i'd've just avoided it all forever, if i could. that's awful, isn't it?

well, i only later learned the details of the next three days.

i guess mae's parents locked mae in her room, and wouldn't let her talk to josie, even on the phone. neighbors tell me josie went over there and pounded on their door, yelling for mae. they saw mae open her window and start talking to josie, but mae's father dragged her back in and slammed her window and pulled her shades.

a neighbor said mae's father shouted at josie that they'd called the police the night before, and that he'd count to ten then call the police again; that she better never go near mae again. the neighbor said he yelled at her, "you listen to me, or you're going to jail!"

apparently josie shouted back at him that he'd be "the one who goes to jail," then left.

another neighbor told me that mae's family had other reasons for doing so, but somehow they up and moved away in the middle of that very night. i mean, one day they're there, and the next morning a friend of josie and mae's is riding up to our house on her bike, wailing how "they're gone! they moved! in the middle of the night! they're gone! they took her away!!"

but josie didn't come back home. i was worried sick about her, because i knew how upset she'd be that mae was gone. that afternoon she did call, but said only, "i'll be away for a couple of days."

"josie, wait. we have to talk."

"we will when i get back."

then she just hung up. i was overwhelmed by my own feelings and confusion. i was worried about her, of course, but more than that i was angry at her. i was almost glad she'd be away for a while, wherever she was going.

i managed to put all of it out of my mind for the whole next day. but around nightfall i heard a knock on the door, and i almost couldn't answer it. i mean, josie wouldn't knock, and she'd been gone so long... when i finally opened the door to a policeman standing there, i simply fainted.

i came to to find my husband kneeling beside me where i lay on the couch. the officer sat on the chair across from me.

all i'd known in a flash, on sight of that uniform, was confirmed by the sight of tears streaming down my husband's cheeks.

"she's dead, isn't she?"

the coldness of my voice only almost disturbed me, but i coudn't feel enough to really be disturbed.

he'd come to tell us, but also to take us to identify "the body."

i braced myself, though hardly needed to, really. i was completely numb.

but it turned out i really did need to be braced, not only because i was about to see my darling child dead, but also because when they turned down that sheet, i was flooded by a wave of the most sickening pink lace.

she, my josie... she got dressed up in the very dress i'd once have dreamt of her someday wearing to a prom. she'd put on that pretty... feminine dress, tied pretty soft pink ribbons all through her cropped hair, then jumped to her death from grovers ridge.