Her panties were clean- scented, like melon or cucumber. It felt like
warm oil was dripping into my asshole. I tried to think of Martha,
and Dr Shaw, even my sister with Jeff, to try and think of them all
as the one person. I had to bite into the soft cotton to stop
myself screaming.
"What about..." Dr Shaw said, "that business with your sister?"
"Well, you know I'd never... "
"You think it is unconnected with your compulsions, your submissive
desires?"
"Huh?"
"That they are in no way sexual?"
"Well, yes, maybe. She was always..."
"We've been through this before, Cate, haven't we?"
She sighed, put her fingertips to her lips, almost kissing them.
Full pink lips, short dark hair, a tiny mole on her strong jaw.
" We know your sister was bossy. One infers a deep psychological
effect. Maybe it's something unresolved in YOU."
She crossed her legs and tapped her teeth with her gold pen.
"Obviously I'm not here to be judgmental..."
"Ever since she kicked me out..." I managed to say, then started to
weep.
Dr Shaw handed me a tissue, indifferently. I liked that in a way,
although it humiliated me too. "You must really let me...I mean...
if I'm to help you..."
"And she's still in the house with Jeff," I bawled, the tissue a
snotty mess in my hands.
I was behaving stupidly, too quick to deny everything. How could
she help me if I was like this? Today she was more interested in
how I had got involved with that woman on the Internet. I'd only
told her about it to stop her being bored with me and I was
regretting it already.
"Thank you very much," Dr Shaw had said tartly. "This started six
months ago and you're only mentioning it now."
She was quite cross and I loved this. At least she was taking
notice again.
"Is it relevant?" I asked.
I sniggered to myself. She would hate this, because it was one of
her favourite questions. She would get me for this! I felt a
thrill at the idea, deep down there.
The blare of an ambulance sounded in the street and I could hear the
faint sound of a telephone through the heavy oak doors. Now she
brought me back to the woman again.
"Maybe you could just talk," she said. "About that ... that person."
"Well," I said, "You know I write a bit...have had a few things
posted on the net...nothing much recently..."
"Yes?"
"Anyway, this woman wrote to me...She was... quite complimentary.
Asked where she could see more of my stuff."
"And you were attracted?"
"I didn't say that. No, I was scared at first. How did I know
she really was a woman?"
"So what happened then?"
"Well, at first we just exchanged short emails. We were flirting "
The doctor crossed her legs.
"And?"
"I liked her a lot. Then she began to up the tempo - started
writing me maybe three thousand words at a time..."
"How did that make you feel?"
"I wasn't sure I could match her... her intensity. But I replied.
And it went on from there ..."
" Did you adopt a submissive attitude to her?"
" How did you know?"
"I know the sort of rubbish you write, for God's sake. I suggest
that perhaps you forced it on her."
"No, she was domineering all right...the things she made me do."
"You became intimate with her?"
"Well, she confessed that she...uh... masturbated."
"That was hardly news..."
"Sorry?"
"Well, she was snooping around porn sites."
"They weren't porn sites - they had pop-ups and things, but some of
the writing was okay."
"Anything else"
"Well, I suppose I confessed quite a lot about my...my feelings too. "
"About your sister, for instance?"
I mumbled something.
"Can you speak up, Cate?"
"She said she'd like to punish my sister for me."
"So you told her what your sister used to do?"
"Yes,"
"But, why, Cate?"
"I thought it might help."
"But you'd been telling ME. Is there anything else you haven't told ME?"
The doctor was smiling at me. Her face was like a big schoolgirl's,
open and friendly.
I shook my head, vehemently.
"You told her what your sister used to do to you when you were kids?"
I nodded again.
" Let's see if I've got this right. You'd liked being submissive to
your sister. And now you'd found this other woman?"
"Yeah, Martha, she called herself."
I had lied to Dr Shaw about a lot of things, I don't really know why.
But she knew most of the things about my sister. How she used to
wrestle with me in the barn and then sit on me for up to an hour and
drool spit down onto my face. She'd liked to make me her slave,
aroused desires I didn't recognise, but now she'd lost interest.
Okay, she had been happy for me to do her housework, but that didn't
satisfy me. But she'd shown her superiority when it suited her.
Like when she'd stolen Jeff from me. Since I left I've often
masturbated, thinking of her making love with Jeff, imagining his
cock inside her. Like the day when he was banging me in our room
and she knocked on the door. We were doing it standing up and Jeff
answered her, he was gasping a bit, leaning against the wall. I was
impaled on his cock and they were talking to each other through the
door exactly as if I didn't exist - talking about the blocked drain
she wanted him to fix. I complained, I said. "You were talking to
her as if I didn't exist." And he said, "Shut up." Now he's with
her and she's kicked me out.
But I'm going to ask Sis to take me back. I have a whole lot of
pairs of her panties I took away with me, dirty ones, and I'll bet
she's missed them. I wondered if Dr Shaw was a lesbian, asking me
all those questions? So far as I was concerned, low self-esteem was
incurable. Then why was I coming here and paying these fees? I
may have needed counselling, but I wasn't crazy. I wondered did
Dr Shaw wear pantyhose or stockings? I wouldn't have been surprised
if she had stockings on. I had never worn stockings, I wouldn't
have the nerve, but some women could get away with it. My sister,
for instance, was a case in point. Okay, I'd tried on her
stockings sometimes. Eventually I burst a seam in her garterbelt
and she punched me in the eye when she found out.. I desired
something badly, but what I desired I didn't know.
Why had I mentioned Martha in the first place if I was going to lie?
Well, I believe you can get help without revealing every little thing.
I'd said things to Martha that I would never say to anyone face to
face. So I told Dr Shaw about the photographs Martha made me take
of myself, the scans I sent to her.
"Why did you do it?" Dr Shaw said. "This could have something to do
with the root of your trouble. Have you, I mean... in your
childhood...?"
"Definitely not," I said.
"And she made you put dye in it?"
"Yes, so it would show up in the photograph."
"Are you crazy or something? Did you have to do everything she told
you?"
"She sent me her underpants too, her panties."
"Are you serious? - you gave her your address?"
"No, the address of the Cancer Care place where I worked. She sent
them in a plastic bag in a package of used clothes - good stuff.
Quality clothes, we call them, good enough to put them in the
windows."
"These...panties."
"They were her dirty panties... She made me wear them. They looked
like she had deliberately worn them for two or three days. I'm
wearing a pair of them now."
"Jesus!" Dr Shaw said, "I thought you were no longer in contact."
"I can't put her out of my mind."
"Tell me how it ended," Dr Shaw said, re-crossing her legs
She glanced at her watch. I had to be careful coming to the end of a
session, because I usually got more talkative then.
"She tried to make me do something," I said.
"Yes?"
"Well, I couldn't. It was impossible."
"Couldn't you have lied to her?"
"No, she said it was...something she'd know about."
"So you couldn't do this thing...?"
"No."
"Can you tell me why?"
"No, I'm sorry," I said.
"So what happened then?"
The doctor glanced at her watch again.
"I sent an email from my sisters mailbox saying I'd been killed in an
apartment fire."
"Good Christ...Was that really necessary?"
"There was no way out...I'd told her I was completely hers.. I
didn't have the right to ...to just stop. You've no idea...how
close we were. I LOVED her. But she..."
I started crying again. Dr Shaw reached for the box of tissues.
"She wrote back...to my sister. Offering her condolences. That's
when the shit hit the fan.."
"Go on, please."
" I knew Martha didn't believe me and was trying to punish me"
"So what happened then?"
"Well," I said, "Martha'd written to the story site, saying I was
dead. They'd put "tragic death of promising young writer" on the
message boards and then my sister emailed everyone and told them
I'd faked it.. My stuff was taken off and I was banned from the
site. Then my sister threw me out."
Coming towards the end, I started on another bad crying jag. The
doctor looked at her watch again and checked it against the clock.
I saw it all blurry with tears. It was ten past five.
"Cate, I've got to say this. You've been considerably less than
frank with me, and, to be honest, I don't think we're going
anywhere."
"I'm s..sorry," I said.
"I think it is time you stood on your own two feet, " she said.
I wanted to slide off my seat and fall on my knees in front of her.
I wondered what those wonderful shiny legs would feel like under my
hands. But she stood up and moved behind me, putting her hands on
my shoulders. It shot though me. The body electric!
"Please, I'll pay double fees," I begged.
" Have you any idea when you last paid ANY fees?" she said . " I
suggest you contact your sister again and ask her to take you back."
"But I cut up a whole lot of her shirts and dresses," I said.
"If you can accept that your sister has taken your boyfriend...tell
her this - tell her you've fully accepted it. Then she may take
you back."
I opened my mouth silently in despair.
"But remember you are her equal. You are not bound by what she
says, or what your mother once said, or even what I say."
"But I lack self-esteem," I said.
"Although your assessment may not be inaccurate," Dr Shaw said,
"You do have quite a lot going for you. You have a loving nature..."
"But that's no use," I wailed.
"You have the most beautiful eyes."
This stopped me in my tracks.
"Has nobody ever told you that before?
I nodded dumbly. The tears started up again.
"Though I'm terminating these sessions, I'm going to do something
which may surprise you, Cate," Dr Shaw said.
I stared at her as she walked around and stood in front of me.
I COULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT SHE WAS DOING!
I had thought a lot about how I could get my sister to take me back.
I still had all those panties of hers and some of them were quite
pretty.. I could take them back and say, "Sorry Sis, I took these
by mistake." I knew she would slap my face for me, but then maybe
she'd say, "Well,you'd better come in." And there would be all that
washing to do. Instead, I put them in the washing machine at the
back of the Cancer store and then in the tumble-dryer. I put them
in a big parcel and sent them right back to Sis. Then I went home
and had a long bath and played with myself very gently between my
legs and lay there dreaming, watching the big clock on the wall tick
around towards four o'clock. I padded naked into the bedroom and
lay down on the bed and masturbated luxuriously, my face in the tiny
pair of white silk panties embroidered with pink roses that Dr Shaw
had given me.
That she'd taken off in front of me that last day in her office!
She drove straight from her office at five thirty and picked me up.
"What exactly is happening here?" I asked.
"You'll see," she said, " I want to show you something."
We took the elevator up to this apartment at the top of a grey,
anonymous building on a corner. At the end of a beautifully
furnished hall there was a room with a computer and hi-fi equipment.
On the wall were dozens of photographs - all of me! Me
sitting naked in my chair with various things, a lipstick, a
vibrator, sticking out of my vagina, all things Martha had made me
do. Me sitting up in the bed where I had peed in it.
Dr Shaw was smiling and lovely in tailored slacks and a fresh white
shirt, just a plain band of pearls around her neck. She took my
hand and again I felt that electric feeling. She kissed me, and
then I felt her hand under my dress, in my panties and then she was
finger-fucking me. I gently rode her finger, because I knew this
wasn't going to end here. Then she broke off and said, thickly,
"Come with me."
I was lying on the bed while Dr Shaw took off her shirt.
"When you told me about your writing, I thought your stories would
be crap," she said.
She released her bra - I knew she'd have plump, perfect breasts.
Then she slipped out of her slacks and leaned towards me, one knee
resting on the bed.
"You told me you used your own name, so a few searches threw them up."
She crawled up on to the bed and straddled my hips. "And the things
that were in there!" She gripped both my wrists in her hands.
She was only wearing tiny white panties.
"Was it like this?" she said.
I nodded.
"We have plenty of time," she said gently. "This would've happened
much sooner if you'd told me about Martha. I gave you every chance."
She sighed and made herself more comfortable on top of me, moving up
until she was sitting on my chest. She released my wrists, but
not before she had put her beautiful knees on them to hold them down.
"Like this?" she asked.
I nodded and, almost immediately, I could feel the warm stream of
urine soak into my dress, the faint hissing, trickling sound, and
the warm, sweet aroma of watermelon her pee had.
"Your sister? This is the way the bitch put her mark on you?" she
asked.
"Yes," I said. "I'm sorry!"
"Why didn't you tell ME?" she asked, "It's nothing to be ashamed of"
I began to cry, as I used to do with my sister.
There was still a steady hot stream flowing through my dress and over
my skin. It was wet underneath me, soaking into my panties and the
material of my dress over my breasts.
"Now I've put MY mark on you," she said.
This was one of the things I'd somehow never been able to tell Dr
Shaw. How my sister had done this to me so many times when we were
kids, coming in naked and climbing on me in my bed at night, peeing
on me and wetting the bed and right through my pyjamas.
"You're filthy, filthy," Mother used to scream, standing over me and
thrashing me with the belt off her jeans.
But I'd been able to tell Martha
"Are we lovers?" I asked.
"We're getting close," she said.
"And can I do your washing, all your nice things?"
She leaned down and kissed me on the lips.
"If you'd only done what I asked," she sighed.
"I'm sorry..." I said. "I can see it would have been okay."
" Why didn't you do what Martha told you?
" Don't know," I said, embarrassed.
" All you had to do was ask Dr Shaw if you could kiss her pussy,"
Dr Shaw said.
She laughed at the expression on my face.
."But then this moment wouldn't be so sweet, would it?"
She moved back a little removing her knees from my wrists and I
reached up and she let me touch her breasts. I could feel her urine
cooling on my body, the odour now stronger, more pungent.
"There was a reason," she said. "I wanted...as Martha... to know your
reaction."
"My reaction?" I said.
She got off me for a bit and, kneeling on the bed beside me, peeled
off the soaking, now transparent panties, then she climbed back on
top of me again. She had a dark, untrimmed bush and, protruding
from it was a small, exquisitely shaped penis. I didn't know what
to say at first. But some women can carry this sort of thing off,
and Dr Shaw was definitely one of them.
"You have any problem with this?" she asked, touching it with the
nail of her beautiful long finger. It was semi-erect and the tip
end was like a purple, veined mushroom. I reached out to touch it.
"It's beautiful," I said.
I fondled it and it rose up further until it was pressing against Dr
Shaw's belly. I had always liked a cock in me. It was one of the
main reasons I had never had any lesbian inclinations.
"In case you're wondering," she said, " I still regard myself as
biologically a woman."
"I know that," I said.
Then she started pulling my dress off me. I was telling her how I'd
clean for her and wash all her nice things; but she couldn't wait for
me to finish. She groaned and mounted me urgently, pushed into me
and rode me while I swooned beneath her in delicious surrender.
And I recognised this moment in my life as the happiest I'd ever been.