Mothers' Love

by bluepervina - © 2005

( inc, gf, Ffg, ff/F, spank, F mast, tort, nc, ws, scat, infest, snuff, cann )

1.

I'm new to the board! Being inbetween lovers has gotten me bored, so I've discovered this forum, and I love it!!! I'm not much of one to post on boards, but I feel like I should contribute here. I'm sort of an erotica author wanna-be, and I've tried to put some effort into telling my story as best I can.

I hope you don't mind if it's a little long. If it's too long I can modify the post and attach it as a text file. Just let me know, mods! :D

Anyway... here goes....

I am a 35 year-old lesbian, mother of one child, a daughter who is 14. She was the result of my college years, when I was doubting whether or not I was a "real" lesbian, and I experimented with fucking real cocks. But pretty quickly I knew I'd never really been interested in males for sex, and I never would be. And I had a new baby to constantly remind me of that fact! LOL (But truly, I did love her with all my heart, and I still do. If that had to be the cost of my little journey of sexual self-discovery, then I'm glad to have paid it.) Ever since then, I've been 100% girls-only! It didn't surprise me, anyway, and nobody in the extended family was all that shocked when I came out -- my female cousin, my sister, and my mother had all had a lot of sexual contact with me growing up, and my grandparents and aunts and all that had already been semi-adjusted to my mother's own outing just shortly after I was born and she split with my dad. They didn't know about our incest situation, but they seemed to just have expected me to be as odd as my Mom, I suppose. My sister went after cocks for good, in the end, and became a well-adjusted citizen and mommy, and we haven't made love in nearly twelve years. But Mom and I still do. She lives right down the road and is my guardian angel. With benefits.

My dad was gone since forever, of course, so I don't remember him at all. My mom and my older sister (5 years older) were all I knew. Plus my cousins... but they were all assholes except for Hannah (4 years older), the girl who in fact first introduced me to sex -- and to incest, of course.

In real life I'm closeted again, at least in my work life, but my daughter knows in general about my appetites. I've tried never bringing my lovers home, but that's a relationship-killer, to say the least. I finally decided to just be myself (mostly!), to be true for my girl, and let her make up her own mind. Right now she's of a mind that I'm a sick, perverted, you-know-what! But that's mainly due to the teenager in her, I'm sure. Not the daughter that I know who's really still there, deep down inside. I worry that she'll go "super-hetero" to spite me or something. It's clear that she has a natural interest in boys and girls right now, and that's fine with me if she ends up going more toward the boys. But I am very paranoid she'll end up pregnant before she should, or else she might get HIV. But it's hard to warn or to worry your kid! Teenager's don't deal with that so well, I'm learning.

However, my Mom and I both made a pact to not involve her in incest, ever. It's been hard to hide our on-going sexual side from her, but so far I think we've done OK. If my daughter knew that I was going over after work and munching on her grandmother's pussy at least twice a week, then I think she'd have stabbed me or run away a long time ago. She's the sort who doesn't hold much back. (That makes me frustrated and scared, sure, but it also makes me proud!) Hopefully Mom and I won't ever let her know, and so that will at least be one bit of hardship her emotions won't have to endure. It would be so confusing and so wrong in her eyes. I'm convinced it would. So at least I might be able to keep her from totally going out of control. Maybe. But I don't ever want to give up what I've got with Mom, and that makes the secret-keeping so tough!

Anyway, that's me. A little background, where I'm at now, and all that. Don't ask me where I'm going, though, because I definitely am not the one who knows! :D

I'll post more details about myself later, and if you want to reply, then great! I feel so blessed to have found this board!

=Y=

2.

No, I don't mind answering that!

I started to explore my body with a sexual intent at the age of 9. My cousin Hannah was 13, and she stayed with us a whole summer while her parents went through a divorce. She told me all about how she and her girlfriends ate each other out all the time, and would I do it with her? So that's how it began. By the end of the summer I was really great at all the normal ways of lesbian sex, but I hadn't tried fisting or toilet play. I wasn't a total freak until much later!

Well, my cousin moving back to her home (in another state) left me all alone and very very very horny and curious all the time. Before long, I was putting all kinds of things into my vagina and my asshole. I liked the ass penetration better at age 9 because I guess I wasn't quite in puberty yet, and I was more sensitive sexually in the anal area because of that. I also didn't have a clue about what a hymen was and why it hurt more to put bigger things in my vagina -- all I know was that I could get bigger things in my ass, and that felt so much better! All I needed was patience and a lot of spit or Vaseline or Crisco! So more and more I would play with my ass when I masturbated.

My sister, being more Hannah's age, was pissed at her all that one summer for ignoring her and devoting her time to me. It took about two seconds for her to figure out that Hannah was molesting me, and so my mom found out about it too, right away. She sat the two of us down and told us that it was OK, she and my sister (named Katherine) wouldn't tell anyone, that it was a natural part of growing up to explore and experiment with those who were close to us. So we did! Meanwhile, Katherine had already been involved in fucking with our mom for almost five years, but I didn't find out about that until Christmas Day later that year.

Katherine never got along all that well with Hannah anyway. In fact, they hated each other; but Kath was still pissed that I got all the attention. So when Hannah went back home after the summer I was put through sister hell by Katherine from the time school started all the way until Christmas Day. It was one thing after another, and I'm sure all you other girls out there who've had hate-wars with your own sisters will understand what I'm talking about. Pure evil, she was! And I learned how to be so mean right back to her.

But then our mom forced us to get along on Christmas. I was nearly 10 years old, and we didn't have much money (Mom was -- and still is -- a nurse at the hospital); I knew I wouldn't be getting much of anything as gifts. Then Christmas Eve rolls around and we got into our nightgowns after eating at Sambo's (remember those?), and we sat around the tree and handed over one gift to each other. The rest would wait until morning. I'll never forget what I got my mom -- a tiny gold-plated angel charm for her charm bracelet. I'd saved up for it all fall! I got my sister a pair of Snoopy socks; she gave to me three of her old albums (Pink Floyd "Piper at the Gates of Dawn", which I loved, something by Elton John, which I liked, and Disco Duck, which I secretly loved).

My mother says, "Katherine, Jennifer, this Christmas I want to do my present a little differently for the two of you." She waited a minute until we both realized she wasn't holding any actual packages for us in her hands.

"I'm giving you each other," she said. "Katherine, my gift to you is your sister Jennifer. Jennifer, my gift to you is your sister Katherine." We just gawked at her, or at least I know I did.

Then Mom said, "In order for this gift to work, though, you two need to sleep together tonight, in the same bed. You need to learn about each other's bodies, and that will bring the two to you together, finally, at the heart, too." I'll never forget those words or how she said them for as long as I live! She wept the whole time, these heavy, happy tears rolling down her cheeks. She looked the prettiest I'd ever seen her then, and she looked really tired, too. But she always looked tired -- she was a nurse, after all.

Katherine gasped and made some strangling sort-of sounds, but she didn't say anything. I found out later that she was as clueless as I was about Mom's gift. Nothing in me wanted to move or make any sounds at all, it was like I was shocked to stone. I'd been so thrilled to have fucked around with Hannah that summer, but it had never occurred to me that it was possible -- or acceptable -- to fuck someone who was as close to you as your sister! Even though I was already pretty experienced with incest with my cousin, this was like a whole other kind of rules-breaking for me. I was terrified. But I was also soaking wet in an instant, down where it counted. And that meant I got over my fears pretty quickly.

All it took was for Mom to go to Katherine and begin to make out with her. "I'll show you girls what I mean," she said, and then she just started kissing her. The most tender, loving french kissing I'd ever seen in my life. Katherine was shaking all over. It was the first moment I ever knew that my mother wanted either of us sexually. At the time, I thought it was Kath's first time kissing her -- that she was as new to it and as scared as I was. Duh!

Anyway, Mom finally pulls back from the kiss and simply lifts Katherine's long David Cassidy t-shirt up and over her head, then motions her to stand up. Mom then pulled down Kath's panties and had her step out of them, and then she said, "Now, Katherine, you go undress your sister and take her to bed."

Wow. I'll never forget how her fingers were shaking when the finally got around to pulling up on my own nightie (Pooh! He never goes out of style!!) and then helping me out of my panties. I still couldn't exactly look her straight in the face, and I thought I'd just pass out from the shock of it all at any moment. Kath then took my hand in hers, and her hand was molten hot. And it stopped shaking as soon as she got hold of it. I remember even looking down at our two hands clasped together and feeling like it was the weirdest thing I could ever imagine. And then Kath seemed all calm like that and it sort of freaked me out even more! I was doing all the shaking then.

"Use my bed tonight, since it's bigger," Mom said, shooing us gently toward her bedrooom. "I'll sleep out here on the couch and watch TV. Don't you worry about me. You'll have your privacy. And I promise, if you get loud, I won't notice a thing."

Soooooooooo, Kath takes me in there, and she said, "I can't believe this shit." And then my feelings are suddenly all hurt. I get worried for Mom, not wanting to disappoint her, and I said, "We can at least sleep in the same bed, can't we?" We got under the covers, stark naked, and had about a foot of space between us -- it was a double bed (but I have a king-size in my house now, heheh!) -- and we each rolled onto our sides away from each other. I was so confused and scared and horny and hurt by my sister's rejection all at the same time. There was no way I would fall asleep any time soon. Kath was as quiet and as still as a rock on her side. I couldn't even feel the covers move when she breathed.

Eventually I couldn't stand it any more, and I got up and went into Mom's master bathroom and locked the door. I sat on the toilet and peed a little, then I just started masturbating. If it's not too squicky to say in this forum, I should tell you that I like playing around with things like my pee, so pretty soon I was squirting out little bursts while I diddled down there, and using my other hand and getting it all wet and then rubbing it all over my breasts. I'd barely begun to show on my chest, but I was puffy and sensitive enough to really give my nipples a lot of focus. It was driving me crazy, though, because I knew there was this bigger climax I just couldn't quite reach. I already knew about how a girl supposedly couldn't orgasm until she reaches "a certain age", but I kept trying anyway. Figured sooner or later my time would come. ;)

There in the bathroom, though, I was just too tense, too upset and worried and everything to get anywhere near a real climax. So when I was finally empty of all my piss and still hadn't managed to feel any better, I got in the shower and washed off, dried, took a nice big dump in the toilet and brushed my teeth with Mom's toothbrush, finally ready -- and finally sleepy enough -- to get back in that bed and just forget about it all.

When I opened the door, Mom was sitting at the foot of the bed, talking quietly to Katherine, who was sitting propped against the pillows, her legs indian-style, just this gorgeous 15 year-old girl on top of the covers. Her naked skin looked all golden in the light of this one lamp Mom had turned on. They both looked at me with little smiles on their faces, and suddenly I was not sleepy at all. The sensation of rapid lubrication in my pussy is impossible to describe, but let's just say that you other girls will understand. It was like an entire new body part was suddenly magically taking over. A soaking wet aching animal between my legs. I wanted to start rubbing myself right there in front of them. But instead, I just stood there in the doorway of the bathroom, naked, small, and feeling more than a little crazy.

"You've been in there almost an hour," Kath teased. "What took you so long, huh?"

Mom laughed and patted the bed beside her. "Don't mind your sister, Jennifer. She's not so cranky now. We've talked about it. You come on over here and give her a hug, and then everything will be all right."

So I did. It was like I was spellbound, one of those moments where you are outside your own body, not in control. I got onto the bed without realizing I'd even made the decision to move toward it, and I crawled up into Kath's lap (she was nearly a foot taller than me then) and just laid my head on her shoulder, wrapping my arms up around her neck. She slid her hands up and down my sides a little, and the shivers that ran through me nearly made me pee myself! (Isn't it amazing how we can pee five minutes after we'd just finished peeing a whole bunch?!) Goosebumps were everywhere, and I sort of started giggling a little. Kath finally just wrapped me up in her long arms and held me close, her face pressed into my hair on top of my head, her breath really short and hot.

"There. That's better!" Mom said, and she left the room and closed the door.

As soon as it was shut I looked up, and for the first time since we sat around the Christmas tree I stared Kath right in the eyes. She stared back for a long time, and then -- just before I thought, honestly, that I would die if something didn't happen -- we were kissing. Mouths opened automatically, and it was a mind-blowing deep kiss right from the start. For minute after minute after minute we kissed, and Kath's hands were roaming all over. They finally just stayed on my little breasts, and I got all shakey and had to break off the kiss. Something very new and very nice had suddenly begun. This tiny fireball of sensation burst outward from my nipples, shot straight down to my pussy, and melted me from the inside out. I shook all over, and I remember making the dumbest noises for like forever, and it was all I could do to just hold onto Kath and keep her fingers on my nipples. I was molten lust, I was flying, exploding, dropping like a brick and drifting like a feather. My first orgasm.

We laughed for a while afterward about how completely soaked with sweat I was. To this day I can't remember much of anything we talked about at that point. Kath and I had a long, good conversation about our new situation, and we confessed a lot of feelings and made some plans and some guesses -- but this is what Kath's told me about that night, about that talk we had right after my first O. We had this heart-to-heart for like half an hour, and I swear I was out of my body the whole time, still floating in orgasmland somewhere, still not fully down and back into myself. I do remember, however, when the talking stopped. Kath had decided she wanted more, I'd instantly agreed, of course, and so she laid me out on the bed and sucked and bit my nipples over and over, and her hand went down to my pussy and dipped with long, sly fingers, over and over into my white-hot cunt. It was then that I knew without a doubt that she had done this before. (I wondered if her best friend from school was her lover, never in my stupid mind thinking it was really Mom!) Not that I really cared one way or the other, just that she didn't stop until I'd come again. And again.

Eventually she was eating me out. She gave me another two orgasms before she stopped, came back up, and kissed me really deeply again. We took a little break and talked some more while she occasionally fingered me. She admitted hating me for getting to fuck around with Hannah when she could not, but then she started crying and couldn't talk any more, and then we were kissing again.

I asked if I could kiss and suck on her body like she'd done to me, so we switched places, and I got to put my mouth on her gorgeous B-cup breasts and her tiny nipples, and my hand went to work on her cunt. She was very hairy then, and I remember being so amazed and impressed, because at that time I had just the wispiest of hairs on my own pussy; as we all did, I'd spent a whole lot of time during that point in my life just wishing that my hair would grow in faster and all that. Kath's hairy pussy was like the coolest gift I EVER could have gotten for Christmas, that was for sure!

Finally I went down to see it close-up, kissing my way to her bush, but Kath asked me to go down her legs first, and to kiss her feet and suck on her toes. That was new to me, but I did it automatically. Her feet were long and soft and clean, and I spent a lot of time on them. Kath began to moan so much and move around so much, though, that I had a hard time concentrating. I wanted to get up to her crotch and get my mouth on her there. I could smell her cunt. It was like my own scent, but stronger and obviously more mature. Like the difference in aroma between a tomato that's a day short of ripe and one that's been ripe all night. I had to taste that wet hair, split those lips with my tongue and get in deep. I wanted to lick and suck and get all sloppy. So I suddenly just stopped with her feet, quickly kissed my way up to her musky, soaked mound, and began slurping at it.

It took about ten seconds for Kath to hit her first orgasm, and I just remember grabbing her by the hips and trying to keep my face down on her while she bucked around. Munch, munch, munch, you know?! It was so wonderful. The incest barrier and all those silly, freaked-out feelings I'd had were gone totally for me at that point, obviously. I was horny for my sister, I was in love with my sister, and I could have my sister. It was the perfect aphrodisiac, and I never looked back. My cousin Hannah fucking me had really broken me in for the taboo-breaking a lot better than I ever realized at the time. I'd been given a tremendous gift long before Christmas, and without it I might have never been able to enjoy what my mother and sister wanted to give.

Eventually we finished our first lovemaking, went and took turns peeing in the bathroom (she let me watch her, and I enthusiastically let her watch me), then got back in bed and snuggled until we fell asleep.

The next morning we didn't wake up until nearly ten; then we fucked again until nearly lunch. Kath went into Mom's top nightstand drawer and got out a vibrator, and we took turns making each other crazy, screaming, wet, and sweaty. And Mom stayed out the whole time, true to her word.

And then we left Mom's room, found her in the kitchen, and just held onto her for the longest time. She was in the middle, and we were still naked. Soon, of course, so was she! Mom led us back to living room, laid down in front of the tree, and then she gave us another present -- herself. Katherine chewed and sucked and caressed Mom's nipples while I ate her out (talk about hair!). Then Kath taught me how to use my hand and get it all the way up inside Mom's pussy. I must have fisted my mother for twenty minutes, at least, while she came and came, shouting our names and raising her ass off the floor and nearly kicking me over several times. Kath only laughed and straddled Mom's face and had her own set of about a zillion orgasms.

I'll never forget what she said then, just as the two of them laid me down on my back there beneath the tree. My Mom's mouth was already on my slippery pussy, her tongue darting over and over from my clit to my asshole and back. Kath leaned in to suck yet again on my screaming, needy nipples; she winked, gave me a quick peck on my lips, and whispered, "A little bit better than listening to Disco Duck, don't you think?" So of course I laughed, and that squirted a whole bunch of surprise pee right in my Mom's face, and I guess you could say that after that, things just sort of went permanently wild around our house.

Like the saying goes... I was (and Kath was, and Mom was) the gift that just kept on giving!

=Y=

3.

I'd like to chime in with a reply, if I may! I'm glad everybody's sharing about this, by the way. It's encouraged me to share about my experiences as parent who spanks, too, although I'm a bit uncomfortable with it. I'd much rather talk about spanking my lover! That's a whole different sort of spanking, of course, one that I can give without much emotional confusion.

Anyway, where disciplining my daughter is concerned, it's sort of odd, really. She's 14 now, and she doesn't try to fight me when I go to spank her. She just sort of goes over my knee and takes it. I remember that I fought my mom when I was a young teen - one time only, though. Mom told me to get over her knee, I walked away, she grabbed at me, I tried to shove her and hit her, and she let me have it! She really smacked me in the mouth hard. It was the one and only time I did that, believe me! My head was dizzy all afternoon and my lip bled pretty badly. After that, I just cursed her really loudly instead of trying to physically resist her. I'd call her all sorts of horrible names! But that just added to how many spanks I was getting, so I learned to stop doing that, too.

Of course, afterward Mom would go out of her way to soothe the awful moment. She'd make love to me with much more tenderness on those evenings after I'd gotten in some sort of trouble. Dealing out consequences and punishments like a regular mother only sat well with Mom for the length of time she thought it would take for me to learn my lesson. After that point of obvious remorse and pain, she'd let me fume, pout, settle, recover, whatever I'd go through to get over it, until I was coming back out of my room and moving on with my life. Then she'd pull me into bed and literally lick my wounds. To get bruises kissed and licked the way I did, despite the pain, it was definitely a tender way to heal up that damaged bond between us. Because let's face it -- you punish your kid and you risk a further and further separation from them, right? Well, that was a huge fear between my Mom and me, so we worked hard to make up because we liked making love to each other too much.

My own daughter, of course, is not at all aware of or involved in my incest life, so our relationship comes from a completely different realm of experience, compared to what I went through in my own days of enduring a mother's discipline. Beyond that, though, it's still weird in what I consider to be "more weird than usual" sort of ways.

My daughter will be all mouthy with me, yet she still gets over my knee without any real resistance other than her sassiness. She's never the submissive type in any other aspect of her life, though! She'll go right after what she wants, say what she wants to say, and do what she thinks is necessary to have her way. And I mean physically. She plays several sports, makes no secret to me that she likes to see how many boys she can make fall in love with her and make out with her (only that, I hope!), and she's even gotten in a few fights at school with other girls. She's assertive, aggressive, whatever you'd call it, believe me! But all that remains at spanking time is her smart-ass mouth. Then, when I start to spank hard, I have to put my one leg over the backs of hers and I have to hold her upper body down so she can't rise up and all that, which I take to be a good sign. Trying to get loose because of the pain is a normal response, I guess. She cries and cries and everything (so very unlike her normal self) and promises to be better, and I'll let up on her. Then I'll have about a week or two of peace before we go through the whole routine again: she breaks rules, I put her on all kinds of restrictions that don't have any effect whatsoever, and finally she continues breaking rules until I have to spank her. And that is the punishment that fixes the problem.

But then, of course, I feel guilty for about three days!

After a spanking, she always runs off to her room for a good long while and cranks her music up. I have one phone in our apartment - our kitchen portable phone - so I know she's not in her room talking on it because one of the rules is that the phone stays on the receiver when we're not using it. She's also not on the computer when she's in her room after a spanking because I always unplug her computer from our router (which is in my bedroom). I don't like her on the phone or on her instant messaging right after a spanking because I've found that it makes her instantly enraged and unmanageable all over again if she's able to bitch about me right away to her friends. So I leave her to herself in her room until she's done sulking or whatever, and eventually she'll come back out and she'll be an angel.

I don't know if that's typical teen girl behavior or not, but she seems to have two sides to her personality, to me. It confuses me terribly to see my confident, brash girl crumble so quickly under a spanking. But maybe that's a good thing?

Anyway. As for my methods, it's not anything really anything too complicated, and it is always pretty much the same. I sit on the nearest available chair, couch, or bed, and just have her pull her pants and panties down to her ankles and leave them there. It holds her legs and feet together better for when she inevitably starts to kick and resist. She then lies over my knees with her hands down toward the floor to stabilize herself. She knows that if she tries to bring up her hands to block me, she'll get more spanks. I spank with only my bare hand. I've never used a brush or a belt or anything, but like I said before, I hit her as hard as I possibly can. Often my hand and arm are killing me for a while when I'm done. Like I mentioned above, sooner or later she'll try to raise her feet to block me, so I have to shift a little and scissor her legs with mine, and I'll spank her about a dozen more times for that. It makes me sweat like crazy, but it gets the job done. Then, when we're finished, she just kicks out of her pants and panties, picks them up, and runs off to lock herself in her room. That's it. Not much of a method or anything, but that's how it almost always goes.

=Y=

4.

To answer the question by E****** about "how long" I was exclusive just to my sister and Mom (and my cousin Hannah when she'd visit).... By high school, I'd started dating other girls (secretly, of course, I was in the American South after all). Kath was already involved more with this college guy and his wife than she was with me, and I'd sort of gotten over the hurt by tenth grade enough to really consider that there might be other girls out there for me. Mom thought I ought to find my own way with love in the world, too. So it was me going into the covert dating world with her blessings and advice. And with teenage lesbians, you've got to understand that "dating" really means "fucking". There's no "romance only" or "non-sex" dating going on (more than once) in a lesbian teenage relationship, OK? It's not like with hetero couples and the girl so pious and "saving herself" or any of that bullshit. Anyway, by high school I went through a few girls until I finally found one who would finger-fuck my ass without me even asking her to, and she let me fuck hers just the same without any problems. She was, of course, my first true love outside my own family, and that was a big step!

We did a lot of our lovemaking at my own house, since Mom knew and approved. And before you ask, no, she did not join in. My girlfriend didn't ever know about the incest stuff, and it was pretty clear to me that it would've scared her off. So Mom just gave us space and only occasionally spied or whatever.

Sometimes, though, I'd come back from a date with my girlfriend, or from taking her back home from my house, and Mom would be all over me when I got home. We'd kiss like crazy and she'd strip me down and lick and sniff me all over. If my girlfriend's pussy was still smelly on my face, or if my panties were still wet or whatever, Mom would go crazy and fuck me ten times better than my girlfriend just had.

Not a bad way to go through high school, really. ;)

=Y=

5.

Here was the question: What did I mean in that other thread about "I'd much rather talk about spanking my lover!" and could I elaborate, etc.

*shrugs* OK, I don't mind!

When I was in college, one summer my girlfriend and I decided to trade off being slaves for one another.

I've learned since then that I have the "switch" tendency, so it was easy for me to be the slave and then the mistress over my lover. But she was much more submissive than I.

When I was the slave for the first couple weeks that summer, we'd do things like have me do all her laundry and other chores, as well as the more fun stuff like lick her shoes, wipe her asshole for her after she pooped, and I'd have to go without panties everywhere and flash in public and all that. Very fun, but not all that much of a power-trip.

When she became the slave, I pretty much followed the same route as she had with me, but soon it got more intense. Instead of wiping my ass with toilet paper, I got bold and told her to lick me clean. She did, and so I started degrading her in a whole variety of toilet-related ways. She just took everything I gave her and never once complained. I kept expecting a protest or a "no way" kind of moment, but she never crumbled. I would tie her to her shoe rack, which was bolted to the wall in her closet, and I'd leave her there all day while her roommates were at school or their crappy little campus jobs, and she'd just "yes mistress" the whole thing. So of course eventually I was beating her with her own belts and with shoes and with her hairbrush. She got so messed up on her ass and thighs!

The thing that always stunned me was how we could be so totally "normal" that summer -- just friends/lovers laughing and enjoying each other's company, etc. -- and all I'd have to do was to command her to do something (or just to do something to her, without warning), and instantly she was super-submissive, anything goes. She had this craving I never even got close to understanding. But I did have enough sense to take advantage of it as often as I could. It was such a fantastic summer!

But things didn't work out. That next fall I got curious about cocks. Literally, I wanted to see them and touch them and taste them and fuck them, just so I could be sure I hadn't been "programmed" by my Mom to be a lesbian. What if was really straight?! (I was in college, it was an existential crisis. Enough said.) So I started dating boys on the side, off and on, and when I got pregnant by one of them it basically broke my girlfriend's heart. Of course. It broke mine, too, and I hadn't expected that. She told me to go to hell, etc., and for a while I did. She transferred up to Boston, and I made it to the Women's Clinic waiting room five different times before chickening out. I almost ditched my little girl to follow my big girl and beg for my life back. Mom sold our house and moved up to a new one in my college's town, and she saved me. Lovemaking when I was pregnant was the most intense, weird, fun, uncomfortable, explosive sex I've ever had, honestly. Mom's tongue and fingers and toys swept all my other worries away.

So I stuck with it, I had my sweet baby, and I moved on. Funny thing is, my girlfriend's now married with her own kids and everything, to this guy who's a lawyer. And I'm the lesbian. Go figure.

But my point is that she was a "true slave" when the time for her to submit was called upon. Yet, at the same time, she was her own person at other moments of her day, and I didn't impose my will on every little aspect of her life (like to the point where it might be noticeable and disturbing to her parents). I didn't even try -- but the thing is, I think I could have, and I think she would have been fine with that.

I don't know if this helps start any new discussions, but that's my experiences with my first love-slave. Thanks to her I can honestly say that I've seen a person really, really submit to me, and I often felt that she was truly willing to do whatever, whenever, however, just because I would tell her to.

And that was a pretty cool feeling, that kind of power, you can be sure!

=Y=

6.

OK, I'll participate.... What sexual aspect of my life brings on the strongest feelings of guilt and/or shame?

My daughter is nearly fifteen now, and I know for a fact that she's spied on me and snooped through my things on a few occasions that I know about. I'm in the tech industry, and I can easily snoop on all her emails, etc., and she tells this friend of hers all about what a "sicko lezzie bitch" I am and everything. But I think (99% sure) she is also involved sexually with this friend of hers, this girl I think she's only experimenting with, honestly. Yet, nevertheless, I can't figure out why I'm sick and she's not. She hates me, apparently, but she's somewhat following in my footsteps, it seems. I know the psychology of it -- that she hates me because she's just like me, so it's my fault she's "messed up". I guess all of that is feeding the fire for these fantasies involving her have come on so strong in me lately, just in this past year or so.

Yet I've always been VERY careful to make love (even the kind I like in the bathroom) as discretely as possible, and I've never publicly shown anyone that I was even remotely lesbian. Anyway, my point is that she confuses me, I feel like a horrible mother, hate myself for loving what I love, and yet I can't stop wanting her to keep snooping on me, being mad at me, and maybe someday hurting me in more than just an emotional way. I'd really love her to hit me. Really hard. To tie me down, batter my body, and make me bleed. And I'd let her put anything in my holes that she wanted, too.

Why the hell are daughters such intolerable high-holy bitches, and why do I just want violence and painful sex whenever I think of her in naughty ways???

=Y=

7.

OK, so everybody's admitting some things, I guess so should I.

Now that my daughter's a teenager, of course we have to go through these times of discipline, and it's really weird for a lot different reasons, as I said before, but I didn't really name them all. First, obviously, I'm trying to raise her with an understanding of limits, morality, and love. I want her to stay on the right track and not go all wild like I did! And I do NOT want my daughter to get all tangled up in incest like me, because I've never been able to sustain a healthy love relationship ever, except for the one with my mom. And I know it's the incest that's messed up love for me. I don't want her to be cursed with that! So I'm really tough on her about right and wrong and making good choices and all that.

Also complicating the discipline issue is that my daughter is extremely smart (gifted classes) and talented (music and sports) and funny and has a lot of friends -- there's so much for me to be proud of! -- but she still is a HUGE bitch toward me often enough to make me really worry. Plus, she makes some bad decisions that she needs to face consequences for. Such as, when I told her "No" about getting a tongue piercing, and she went ahead and did it anyway. That sort of thing. So I love her and treasure her, but I've got to stay on top of her discipline, too.

Now, to get to the confession... there's another huge reason why I have weird mixed feelings about spanking my daughter. I guess it might be obvious, but I'll just type it anyway: I'm a lesbian, of course, and I'm still making love to my own mother regularly, and so in the last few years my daughter's begun blossoming right before my eyes... and now she's fourteen and really beautiful. Sexy and proud of her body and everything. She will parade around the house and nearly kill me, she's so gorgeous! I have such guilt feelings for admiring her the way I sometimes do, but I can't help it. There's no way I'll ever "cross that line", of course, but I do have to confess it -- I regularly masturbate after I spank her. And it's not just after spanking her, either, but I find myself masturbating very frequently over all kinds of fantasies I have concerning my daughter. I'm told that's normal, and possibly it could be. If I was a hetero mom and had a son with a nice cock and a handsome smile, I'd probably be doing the same thing in private, too. But that's the key -- it's just supposed to be a fantasy. My reality has been different, so those fantasies are very dangerous when they show up in my head, in my home. I've had a lifetime of acting on those "natural" urges that I knew were taboo. I want to lick and suck and fuck my own daughter, and I'm terrified I'll lose control some day.

And then, just when it couldn't get any worse, my headstrong little girl will go and get herself in some sort of trouble, and so I've got to do my duty and punish her.

Of course, when I spank her, all those fantasy feelings get really highly concentrated and just want to bust out. I pretty much have to go and masturbate immediately afterwards, every single time, or I feel like I'll literally explode and die if I don't. I've even got this auto-erotic ritual I go through, actually; that's ironic I guess, since I don't really go very far into any sexualized ritual in the carrying-out of the spanking itself. Except perhaps for one thing. I make her pull down her pants and panties both, and then I spank my daughter with my bare hand, you see, and I hit her bare bottom as hard as I possibly can. I really do, and it really hurts my damn hand! But that makes my hand very red and very, very hot. So I let her up, and she runs to her room and slams the door, etc., and I immediately go into the hallway bathroom or my bedroom (depending on where the spanking took place -- I go to the nearest private spot). I get totally naked, then I start pressing that hot hand on different parts of my body. First I do my breasts, rubbing them all over and feeling the hot skin. Then I do my tummy back and forth, then up to my neck to delay the last place... and then I put my hot hand on my pussy , and I rub and rub and get myself to come really hard. I get this picture of my daughter's red ass in my mind, and I usually cycle back through the recent times I've seen her around the house, naked or whatever, and I imagine we're making love, etc. I get way beyond the level of "normal orgasm", every time.

As for spanking her purely for my own pleasure, I'd never do that! Believe me, I feel guilty enough about all this as it is!!! She only gets spankings when everything else as a punishment has failed. It is a righteous act, make no mistake. And she knows it, too. She knows she only gets spanked when she really deserves it. I hope I'll never get so weak as to contrive reasons for spanking her. I'll lose her for sure, then, and that would just kill me.

I know one of you (or more) will probably ask about this anyway, so I'll go ahead and deal with it now.... As for whether or not my daughter gets turned on by my spankings, I can say that I have, in fact, noticed her slit being wet as she's kicked around. But usually it's not anything outrageous. I think just the emotion of arguing with me and then struggling against me would cause some of that to happen. Not really horniness, maybe, but just a natural physical response to a passionate situation. Corporal punishment is definitely passionate, after all. Now, do I hope she masturbates after I spank her? I guess, in my heart-of-hearts, I really do. I hope she has fantasies about me the way I have about her, even though we'll never know.

Does that make me feel horribly sick and terribly guilty? YES! That's the whole reason I posted in this thread to begin with, you know. It's tough feeling like I must spank her because I know that every time I'm going to have this horny reaction to it. Knowing that she might be getting horny because of it, too, it's just too much to deal with. I masturbate with my burning, sore hand, and I crash through these incredible orgasms, and I just cry and cry and cry.

=Y=

8.

Another "fantasies" thread! How can I possibly resist?! 8P

PUBLIC-ADVENTURE: My biggest solo-adventure fantasy of recent years has been the idea that I'd wear diapers out in public during the day (like to my work) and not get caught... and I'd use the diapers whenever I wanted, and if I wanted to sit in a big warm pile of shit that I'd pushed into my diaper, well, nobody would hassle me about it. Then every evening I'd get home from work and my lover would change me and make me all fresh again.

FAMILY-ADVENTURE: Another big fantasy of mine is that my daughter spies on me, sniffs my panties, and masturbates thinking about me... and that eventually she'll slip me GHB or get me really drunk and explore my body... and I'd be just conscious enough to enjoy it but to not really think it was real, later; and I'd have no control over whatever she might do to me... and that she'd start going so far as to piss all over me while I was in my helpless state... and that she'd stuff chunks of fruit and other foods up my ass and leave them there for me to shit out in ignorance however long later... and that sometimes she'd give me an enema while I was like that, so I would mess my own bed by morning and wake up confused and ashamed.... Mind you, as I've stated before I won't ever try to have a true sexual "relationship" with my daughter (so don't post with that suggestion, please) -- I just want to keep masturbating to my fantasy -- of me being her bitch, through and through!

JUST-PLAIN-WRONG-ADVENTURE: Probably one of my deepest, most "objectionable" fantasies is this one, and I've had it since I was very little: I want, just once, but I really, really want... to get a mouthful of a beautiful girl's breast and just bite it off, chew it up, and swallow it down. I also get really wet when I read erotic cannibalism stories, so I guess you could say that I get off on that idea, in general. (I think a cool bonding ceremony or marriage rite would be for the lovers involved to each choose a piece of their flesh to cut out and give to the other, and then they'd each eat the other's offering as a symbol of coming together as one -- how the old self gets consumed by the new, etc.)

COMPLETELY-WEIRD-ADVENTURE: Is it just too geeky to say that I also fantasize that anime is real? If it was possible, I'd truly devote my life to seeking out Asuka Langley Sohryu and live out the rest of my days as her complete and total slave. I cannot TELL you how filthy my mind gets whenever I watch my NGE DVD's!!!

=Y=

9.

I just want to pitch in with a few comments!

Like B******, I have a similar "horror" fantasy for my daughter (a bit more involved than what I posted when I was just dealing with the spanking stuff and the fantasy survey -- to be truthful, I have a lot of fantasies centered around her, and I thought to keep posting them would get dull for everyone really fast, especially since I do truly agonize over them out of guilt, later on when the masturbation is over).

For me, though, my horror fantasy involves me as the victim of vicious and repeated rape at the hands of my daughter and her best friend (a tall, strong girl who's an athlete with my daughter at their school, and I'm pretty sure they fool around with each other). Like your daughter, mine loves to read, but she's into her sports, too, so in my fantasy I'd either ground her and take away her books or I'd take away her athletic participation. In revenge, she'd bring over her friend, and the two of them would basically beat me senseless, hold me down, and shove all kinds of household objects and food inside me. They would both piss and shit on me, and I'd be made to drink and eat it all... (sorry if that offends, but it's horror!).

They would each fist me in my cunt and ass, and they'd scratch me all over with their nails until I bled in dozens of places. They would cut off all my hair and shove it up my ass and my cunt, and they'd smoke my cigarettes (which I know she really sneaks from me, anyway, but I like that in a twisted way) and put them out on my breasts and ass and cunt. Lying in their shit and piss and my own puke, bleeding, beaten, burned, stuffed with my own hair... they'd hogtie me, stuff my mouth with my panties that they'd wiped all across the floor until it was soaked, taping my mouth shut with duct tape, and then taping my eyes shut with the duct tape, too. I'd be forced to listen to them make love next to me, talking sweet and nasty words to one another about what they'd done to humiliate and injure me. Then there'd be more piss and shit on me from them, then nothing for a couple days. They go away, and I am alone.

Of course, as I lay there for a couple days, I'd have to shit and piss myself, flies and roaches and whatever would get all over me, and the roaches would lay their eggs inside my cunt, hatching by the dozens and roaming all over my body. I would nearly die, but just before that my daughter would come back and save me, clean me, tenderly care for me until I was whole again... and I'd become her slave, her friend would move away with us, and the two of them would beat and use me... let me heal, then do it all over again, in an endless cycle until they really killed me someday.

And then they'd eat me, of course!

=Y=

And then she was banned from the board. Imagine that!

by bluepervina, © 2005

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