The Bedtime Tales of Be287m

The Twelve Steps of Penis Ownership

Welcome to today's meeting of Penis Owners Anonymous, or POA. I see several of you that were in the chat room last night and I'm glad to see you here.

Since we have so many new people, we'll start by reviewing the 12 Steps of POA. First, though, we recommend you find a sponsor to help you work the Steps. Your sponsor will be invaluable in helping you rise to the challenge of completing these Steps and reach the climax of the program-good penis ownership. In general, we recommend that your sponsor be female, as women tend to be a little less under the sway of a penis-and if by chance they are, it's a good thing. For the gay men here, there will be a separate meeting after this one over in the bath house, in which you can engage with a number of potential sponsors.

Now on to the Steps:

Step One: Admitted we had a penis and that we could not manage it.

The first part of this Step is straightforward. Men-next time you are naked, look down. You should see your penis. If not, we recommend a 50x magnifying glass. If that doesn't work, we recommend you see a doctor and the police. The doctor will help you confirm that you are indeed male and not a delusional woman. The police will help you file a missing penis report.

Women-finding your penis may be a little trickier. While the bars are full of pricks, we do not recommend them because there is usually a worthless piece of skin attached to them. Especially if they've been circumcised. Instead, we recommend you find that male best friend you've known all your life and never realized you were in love with. We recommend creating some circumstance that throws you together and leads him to realize that he's in love with you. If that takes too long, just walk up, unbuckle his belt, and drop to your knees. No penis owner will begrudge you the use of his penis once it's in your mouth. He knows you might bite, after all.

Finally, for the lesbians and HotBiBabes in the room, we recommend the Orgasmatron Strap on Dildo/Vibrator with five speeds and rotary motion. Trust me on this. Your female lover will thank you.

Now for the second part of the step. Men-remember that erection that showed up inconveniently in the middle of the funeral? Or when you were giving the speech to all your professional colleagues? Remember the night where "it happens to every guy?" Or "Uh, honey, don't worry, I can get it back up?" I see some blushes from the men and nodding heads from the women. Good, you know what I mean. So let's move on.

Step Two: We came to believe that a power greater than our penis could control our penis.

That power is Love. L-O-V-E, Love. The palm sweating, I don't want to hurt my partner or get my partner angry type stuff. If you're unfamiliar with Love, we recommend Viagra.

Which brings us to Step Three: We made a decision to turn control of our penis over to Love.

Think about it a minute-when you've been in Love, has the temptation to let your penis wander gone up or down? Down? Good. Up? There's a special meeting for swingers on Friday nights-make sure you bring your sponsor.

Moving on to Step Four: Made a searching and fearless inventory of our penis. This is straightforward. Examine your penis carefully. Does it curve slightly, or have prominent veins? Where is it most pleasurable to touch and how? A good examination should take a few days and twenty five to fifty orgasms. That's a lot you say? Ah, that's the point. If you want to match the porn stories, you have to practice.

Now the Fifth Step is to share the exact nature of your penis with another person. This is where a sponsor is critical. Begin by giving your sponsor a visual tour. We recommend this be followed by tactile examination and a taste test. The last major check is size.

Now contrary to many people's belief, a size check does not involve a ruler. Instead, we recommend the female vagina-though again, you gay men will have to look for alternatives. Place your penis in the vagina, after the necessary generation of lubrication through foreplay, of course. Are you touching her cervix? No? Give a handful of thrusts. About a hundred. If you still don't hit her cervix, your length is just fine. If you do, we recommend the Tuesday class on the Cowgirl Position. Don't worry about being too short. As long as she doesn't ask "when are you going to start?" after you've already been thrusting for five minutes, you're not too short.

Um, Ma'am? You in the back row? You don't need to be measuring his penis size right now. Please wait until after the meeting. What do you mean you can't wait? You're a nymphomaniac and you need to measure every penis in this room as soon as you can? Okay. It's obvious we won't be finishing this discussion of the Steps with this distraction. We'll pick this up next week. Meanwhile, Ma'am, please save me a place in line. I know some advanced Steps you might like.

--Fin--

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