Anal, condom, hunk, group
Starring: Alexei Gromoff, Joska Tenta, Lajos Magyar, Marko Nagy, Sasha Borov, Arpad Miklos, Rezso Farkas, Attila Sipos, Akos Matyas, Krisztian Simon, Janos Balczik, Nicolai Otov, and Boris Otov
Director: Kristen Bjorn
I suppose I can expect a few constant things from a Kristen Bjorn movie: hairless and overshaved Ken doll actors that panders to the taste of people wanting "exotic" hunks that still look enough like those Americanized steroidal goons from Falcon for them to relate to, polished cinematography, better than usual props and set, and... er, that's it. The sex scenes are always touch and go from movie to movie.
Comrade In Arms
ranks solely in the slightly above average camp where a Kristen Bjorn movie is concerned.
What makes this movie slightly above average despite it boasting a formulaic and boring group sex scene in the middle that goes on and on for what seems like years is two memorable sex scenes, one which isn't as good as it is interesting and another which is hot and therefore interesting for all the right reasons.
The thin plot is about a bunch of Russian soldiers meeting and reminiscing about their exploits during the fallout from the... er, World War 2, I suppose, or the Cold War, I don't know and I don't think I'm supposed to care. The first scene has this ridiculously blond Ken doll Marko is invited by two civilians Lajos and Joska to this ridiculous lodge filled with stuffed head of animals. I think the lodge can be found left to the factory where they assembled dolls like Marko from plastic and nylon. Marko ends up screwing each man twice, impressive indeed considering that he looks like he'd rather be getting a perm in a hair salon rather than drilling the assholes of his fellow Ken dolls.
However, the next scene where Arpad, a suited-up fellow, mistakes soldier Sasha for a gigolo (apparently gigolos in Russia wear military uniforms all the time) and takes Sasha home with him where they can have fun discussing the joys of Stalinism. Arpad takes his time ravishing Sasha without coming off as a bored gay-for-pay counting the minutes until he gets to go home and this is easily the best scene in the movie. Of course, I have to laugh how these two apparently want each other so badly that when they remove their pants, their cocks are adorably flaccid as a testament to just how much they desire each other. Arpad gives more into his act than his fellow actors in his scene and therefore I have to give him props for that.
Next is a long and pointless gangbang scene that have plenty of limp dicks painfully sucked into half-hard dicks, squishing of these soft and crooked dicks into assholes of bottoms who moan in exaggerated hysteria because limp dicks in one's asshole is simply the best thing ever, and trickles of ejaculate that demonstrate how hard the pathetic tops are actually coming. Yeah, they're coming - drip, drip, drip - and I'm falling asleep. This scene is as sexy as fixing a broken washing machine.
Back to the Soviet Mattel Soldier Factory, Lajos pumps iron - the better for his overly-oiled biceps to gleam like his hair, of course - while Alexei falls asleep like an idiot on the bench and dreams of a hysterically comical "sexy" scene of two Mongoloid twins Boris and Nicolai engaging in faux-wrestling before wanking by the pool. The twins look like products of evolution gone awry from that point from Mongoloid to Cro-Magnon, the skin across their jiggly pecs and biceps close to tearing point from all that steroids the twins consume, and that scene where they wank off each other has me rolling on the floor shrieking in laughter at how utterly stupid and ridiculous the twins come off as. This is the other memorable scene I am talking about, although it's memorable for all the wrong reasons. But Alexei is so aroused by his dream that his half-limp dick practically deflates with his lust, so much so that Lajos has to swoop down and take a long time sucking Alexei to full (three-quarter) hardness. And then it's squish-the-dicky time again. Same old, same old, really. Lajos is an inconsistent spurter, by the way, sometimes he trickles, sometimes he comes hard enough to form a puddle. Either way, he's such a joyless robot to watch despite having being the dominant top in this movie.
Comrade In Arms
is watchable but the actors all look like plastic dolls with sexual magnetism of a soggy wet Kleenex and their techniques in giving head and butt-pumping are mediocre at best. Were not for the prime comedy moments provided by the butt-ugly Otov twins, I'd have happily bid adieu to
Comrade In Arms
without hesitation.
Rating: C