First things first, yes, Colin Farrell's cock is much more impressive than I would have expected. There is some truth to the rumors about him being a big boy, although he's not that big and the camera angle makes it very hard to gauge its dimensions. But if you are looking more than a confirmation that Colin Farrell has a penis in this fifteen-minute or so somewhat grainy sex romp film, you're going to be disappointed. Here are some reasons why:

(a) Nicole seems more interested in the news on TV than in fucking Colin. Then again, who can't resist Colin's sexy "You're so fucking sexy... so fucking sexy, you know that?"

(b) Even movie stars, it seems, have to rub their cocks into halfway decent erections for penetration. Maybe Colin's just camera-shy.

(c) Colin Farrell is sporting his Bullseye look from the Daredevil movie days. He's bald, he has this smarmy biker-from-hell facial hair that makes him look that that clever zombie from Land Of The Dead, and he makes faces like Spike the Bulldog from those Tom & Jerry cartoons when he's having sex.

(d) Too much camera emphases on Nicole's boobs and vagina.

(e) Very shaky and amateurish camerawork.

(f) Colin's idea of sexy talk rarely deviates from a limited pool of words that include "fucking", "sexy", "yeah", and a few grunts here and there.

(g) This tape ultimately proves that movie stars that look handsome in airbrushed photos can very well end up in real life some smarmy stumpy dude with inebriated slurrings with scary sex face and a body that looks like it could use a long hot session of delousing.

This tape only proves one thing: Colin Farrell is no match for Tommy and Pamela Lee, Paris Hilton, and even Jenna Lewis when it comes to creating a sex tape that one could watch without giggling at how awful the whole thing is. In fact, this one is comparable to the equally bad Rob Lowe sex tape that surfaced ages ago. I can easily imagine why dear Colin Farrell is so desperate to halt the distribution of this sex tape - he obviously doesn't want to be a laughingstock!

Rating: F