Brief Encounter

by Arty

"Hello, Jane Darling."

The woman, who had been studiously reading something in a folder, looked up - bristling - at this unwarranted intimacy.

"Excuse me. Are you talking to… Roy?"

"In the flesh! What's a nice girl like you doing on a train like this?"

"Trying to read." The smile she gave me was everything that I remembered.

"Sorry. But it was such a surprise seeing you here and I couldn't resist it."

"You and half the teaching staff!"

She was proud of her family name - Darling - but it had led to the more-than-obvious jokes from most of the staff at our high school. Not that she minded, really; Jane was the epitome of the phrase "beautiful person" and each time someone made the joke she would blush and laugh like it was the first time.

I had finished sitting down by this point. She looked at me speculatively.

"I'm sorry, I should have asked. Is this seat taken? It's just that seeing you after all this time …"

I broke off unable to say any more.

"It's all right, I'm all alone; I'd be glad of the company. "

The lump in my throat made talking difficult.

"You … you're looking … what are …" I subsided into silence and just stared at her. Her luminosity affected me the way it always had, but not having seen her for twenty years left me unable to cope with the impact.

"Roy, are you all right?" The concern in her voice, the love, and the friendship were the final straws and I started to cry.

"Roy, what is it?" She grabbed my hand. As always the electric tingle that I felt whenever she had touched me filled my senses. The lump in my throat appeared to dissolve in my tears.

"I'm sorry. It's just seeing you, after all this time. I just couldn't cope."

She looked bewildered and not a little hurt.

"Oh hell! I'm not explaining this well am I?"

"Um. How shall I put this?" she paused for effect, "No. Why not start at the beginning?"

I took a deep shuddering breath and gripped her hand harder. With my free hand I wiped the tears from my cheeks and then I looked into her eyes. I was lost. I couldn't remember the beginning. Twenty years fell away like dust and my feelings for her burned undimmed. I tried again.

"I love you."

She gasped.

"I've always loved you. Seeing you again suddenly caught me by surprise, with my defences down. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

She stared at me like I'd grown three heads.

"I know you didn't feel the same way about me so I tried to hide it. When we were together at school it was like, I don't know, I got used to the joy and the despair. But just now seeing you after all this time, it was too much, all at once and I couldn't cope."

I started to try and stand up, but she wouldn't let go of my hand, so I stayed.

"I never knew."

"I know; I was stupid; I didn't feel good enough for you. There you were, this wonderful girl who made me feel alive just by being in the same room as me, why should you feel the same way about me? I knew how worthless I was."

"You're not worthless!" She said with asperity.

"I know that, intellectually; I try and project this image of myself as someone who's pleasant and caring, but inside I know how horrible I am and the thought of you…" I searched for a word, " … sullying yourself by feeling the same way about me was too farfetched to contemplate."

Stunned. She looked stunned.

"It's still there you know. Holding your hand, it's like holding a live wire."

"I thought that was just me!"

Suddenly the joy hit me and I grinned like a maniac.

"What now?" she asked with an answering grin.

"I was just remembering the last time we were on a train together. The trip to London; we never did find London Zoo." I stopped, caught up in the memories. "I know where it is, now; I could take you, if you like?"

"I'd like that."

She smiled again and it was just like old times; she took my breath away. I know it sounds corny, but she did; she wasn't the most beautiful girl in the world, but when she smiled… Well let's just say the rest of the world was a whole new place. I felt different and I tried to place the feeling. And then I realized it; I was joyful. For the first time in decades I was joyful.

"I've missed you, you know."

She grinned impishly, "I worked that out for myself. Unless you cry every time you meet an old flame?"

"Not usually, no."

We lapsed into companionable silence. Our friendship had never been one where we had felt the need to fill in the gaps, sometimes we would spend hours together and say hardly a word. The train swayed along, occasionally clattering over sections of switch and crossing.

"You never answered; what's a nice girl like you doing on a train like this?"

"I have a National Mathematics Curriculum committee meeting."

"Wow! The 'dark side', seduced by, you have been?" I leered, in my best Yoda impression.

"Well, I missed a staff meeting and my headmaster volunteered me, he said it was my fault for missing the meeting!"

I laughed and suddenly we were both giggling like mad things.

"Where's the meeting and when does it finish?"

She told me, and we sat and talked. The ticket inspector - sorry Train Manager - came to check tickets. It was at that point that we realized that we were still holding hands. Jane grumbled good-naturedly about the cost of the ticket saying she only wanted to ride on the train not buy the whole thing. Ray, the Train Manager winked at us and went on his way.

"Why didn't he check your ticket?"

"He's already seen it."

"When? This is the first time he's come through this carriage!"

"Oh last week sometime. Ray only checks it once a month or so. It's an Annual Season Ticket."

I opened my wallet and showed it to her. She laughed at my picture on the accompanying photocard. Then she saw the price of the ticket.

"Six thousand four hundred and ten pounds!" She was incredulous.

"Don't forget the sixty pence." I laughed at her amazed expression and she leant across the table and punched me lightly on the arm.

"You do this every day?"

"Four days a week; I usually work at home on Fridays."

The despair was lapping around my feet like some sort of emotional tide, the reference to my home life made me aware of the knife-edge on which my feelings were resting. With determination I shrugged it aside and clung on to the joy.

"We have to talk about this, Roy." Jane was serious now.

"I know, let me take you to the zoo; I'll collect you when your meeting has finished. I can buy something to eat, sandwiches or something." I looked at her and lost myself again in her eyes. "Please." The despair hit me again and I filled up. God! What would everyone think? Half the people on the carriage were people that I knew, by sight anyway. In that peculiar British way we knew intimate details of each other's lives but I hardly knew anyone's name.

"I'm sorry I just can't seem to stop crying." I smiled wanly and Jane handed me a tissue. As she wiped her own eyes.

"It seems to be catching!"

This time it was my turn to hold her hand. The electric tingle was stronger now and both of us drew breath sharply. Without letting go of my hand, she moved from the seat opposite me and sat next to me. She laid her head on my shoulder and snuggled.

"I remember the journey back from London."

So did I. For a magical few hours I had held her hand, we had cuddled and dozed on the journey home. Then, when her father had been late collecting her, I had held in my arms and convinced her to let us take her home. I shied away from the disaster that had followed - her boyfriend coming home from university on a surprise visit and the next day - our first and final kiss, for 'friendship's sake'.

But for now the joy was back and we cuddled like teenagers and dozed and chatted our way to London.

The train pulled to a stop and Ray made his usual speech about minding the gap and making sure we took all our belongings with us. We sat and waited for the hordes to get off before we collected our stuff and started the long trek along the platform to the station hall. I had grabbed her bag and slung it over one shoulder, with the same hand I carried my laptop case and with the other I took possession of her hand.

"Normally I walk through the train, so I'm at the front when it pulls in, me and a load of other regulars. It drives the 1st class passengers up the wall. Sometimes the catering crew jam up the gangway with trolleys, it depends on which gang is on duty." I was babbling.

Jane stopped and put her arms around me.

"Shut up, Roy." And then she kissed me. I stood there and my brain just fizzed. I was lost to coherent thought, however there was nothing wrong with my instincts. I dropped my case and put my arms around her. She tightened her grip and so did I. The electricity that we felt when we held hands was nothing to the fire that I was experiencing now. Her lips softened and her mouth opened as she moaned into me. Gently our tongues met and explored; it was my turn to moan. On and on it went, an eternity of a kiss, but the intensity was unsustainable and eventually we stopped.

I looked into her eyes and saw my love reflected there.

And the anguish.

"We just can't do this!"

"I know."

"We're both married. You have children!"

"I know."

"I love you too!"

"I know that now." The awful weight of the words I was about to utter, suddenly crashed into my soul. "But it's too late."

We stood and stared at each other as the tears ran silently down our faces. I contemplated another twenty years without seeing her again and I broke.

"I can't go in to work like this and I don't think you're fit for your meeting. Let's go to the zoo."

She smiled at the incongruity of my words.

"We'll stick the bags in left luggage; I'll 'phone in sick, you can tell them that you missed your train; we'll have today at least."

I kissed away her tears and then we did as I suggested.

We went to the zoo; we wandered from enclosure to enclosure and chatted about the animals. We held hands and we didn't think about the future. Later we found a bench in the park and sat.

"Why did you never have children? You always said you wanted lots of them."

"Because I thought that the man that I wanted to be the father of them didn't love me that way."

Oh shit!

"What are we going to do?"

"What can we do? We're still both married; you still have kids. You care for your wife; I care for my husband."

I looked around the park; the leaves were turning a pale gold and the sky was clear and blue. Autumn was approaching and the wind was cool in the shade. Jane shivered. I took off my jacket and draped it around her shoulders and hugged her. We stayed like that for hours.

Eventually I looked at my watch. "It's time."

She turned to me and buried her head in my chest and wept; great heaving sobs that ripped out my heart and left me breathless, all I could do was hang on and hold her tight and let my tears mingle with hers. Francis Bacon was wrong about "… cutteth griefs in half." Shared anguish like this was multiplied. Finally we both calmed enough to clean ourselves up.

"Jane. I'm sorry, for hurting you like this; I shouldn't have said anything; it was selfish of me."

"Perhaps, but you're just as hurt by it; knowing that the you've robbed the woman that you love of her children."

"Yes."

Such a simple word; so small to be freighted with so much emotion.

"We can't see each other again."

"I'll never stop loving you."

"I know and I'll always love you. That's why we can't see each other again."

I nodded my head, resigned in the knowledge that she was right. Too many other people that we both cared deeply about would be hurt. I thought briefly about the inequity of it; did the anguish of two people equal four people's hurt? Shaking myself I forced a smile and took her hand.

"At least we don't have to ask a policeman the way to the station this time."

It was getting dark by the time we reached the station and retrieved our luggage.

We walked slowly to the train.

"I can't travel back with you, I'm too weak not to want to hold you until the last possible second and your husband might see us."

"How will you get back?"

"I'll just take a different route, sometimes it's quicker, and I might even arrive before you!"

My attempt at levity raised a wan smile.

"Kiss me."

I took her in my arms and did as she asked. Letting her go was the hardest thing I have ever done. I watched her as she sat by the window and she placed her palm against it. I put my hand on the window opposite hers. It was, I thought, the perfect metaphor for us. Whistles blew and almost silently the train started. As the carriage moved I stepped back from the platform edge and watched the train disappear from view. One of the platform staff asked me if I was all right. I shrugged my shoulders; I realized that my face was wet; the lump in my throat was a physical thing; I couldn't speak. I signalled that I was OK and walked back to the concourse to find the train that I wanted to catch.

Words from a film I once saw floated into my mind, "This can't last. This misery can't last. I must remember that and try to control myself. Nothing lasts really. Neither happiness nor despair. Not even life lasts very long. There'll come a time in the future when I shan't mind about this anymore. But I can look back and say quite peacefully and cheerfully how silly I was. No, no I don't want that time to come hither. I want to remember every minute, always, always to the end of my days."

And I knew that I would.

-Fin-