Snow Friday and the Seven Perverts

by Arty

Now all was fine while Snow Friday was a young girl. Each day the Queen would sit in front of her dressing table mirror and issue the following question,

"Mirror, mirror on my table,
Who is the sexiest in this fable?"

To which the invariable reply was,

"Without a doubt oh fairest queen,
Thou art the sexiest there's ever been!"

At which the Wicked Queen, would smile and rise from the dressing table secure in the knowledge that she was the sexiest Queen throughout Fairytaleland, and so things remained until Snow Friday began to blossom as she reached that stage of development known as young princesshood. This is the stage that only fairytale princesses ever experience and is characterised by a complete absence of spots, pustules or any form of acne that is so much more common amongst non-princesses.

And thus it was that one morning the Wicked Queen issued her customary question, "Mirror, mirror on my table, who is the sexiest in this fable?" and sat back to await the customary affirmation of her sexiness,

"I'm tired of this."

"Excuse me, I didn't ask how you were feeling, I asked who was the sexiest."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?"

"What's this fixation that you have with being the sexiest."

"That's what Wicked Queens do."

"You don't look too wicked to me; how wicked can you be wearing fluffy-bunny slippers?" [See I told ya!]

"Can we have less of the criticism of my style of footwear and more of the judgement on who is the sexiest in Fairyland please?"

"Are you sure you want to know who is the sexiest? I'm a magic mirror; I can answer many questions, but all I ever get asked is 'Who's the sexiest?' it gets very samey after several hundred years I can tell you!"

"If I didn't want to know I wouldn't've asked."

"You ask every day, I think you have an inferiority complex; have you thought of counselling?"

"Are you gonna answer the question or do I have to fetch my hammer?"

"You aren't going to like the answer."

"Why aren't I going to like it?"

"I can tell you what the weather is going to be like tomorrow."

"Answer the question."

"Cloudy to start with, then light summer showers at first, giving way to sunny spells later…"

"Right that's it! Where's that hammer?"

"Okay, okay. I'll tell you but you really won't like it."

"Just tell me."

"Just remember I'm only the messenger, if you break me, it's seventy seven years bad luck."

"I thought it was seven years."

"I'm a magic mirror, and not any old magic mirror at that. Seventy seven is what I said and seventy seven is what you'll get!"

"I don't believe you!"

"You can believe me or not, but you have to ask yourself, 'do you feel lucky?'"

"Answer me now."

"Just remember the bad luck."

The queen started to rummage around in the dressing table drawer and withdrew, triumphantly, a small hammer. The mirror surface seemed to shimmer.

"Without a doubt, oh my fair queen,
Snow Friday is the sexiest I've ever seen!"

"Now that, apart from being the worst piece of doggerel I've ever heard, is complete crap! I'm the sexiest around here!"

"See I told you that you wouldn't like the answer. I've never claimed to be a poet, but I know who's the sexiest in the place and it ain't you! And don't even think of breaking me, 'cause that'll bring you seven hundred and seventy seven years of bad luck!"

"You said seventy seven just now."

"Maybe I lied. Anyway what's an extra seven between friends?"

"If you were my friend you'd have lied to me about being the sexiest, how would I know?"

"Errr... well…"

"You have been lying, haven't you?"

"Well it was only couple of years…"

The queen waved the hammer threateningly.

" … seven thousand seven hundred …"

"You just keep adding sevens don't you?"

"So would you, if you were a magic mirror and a disgruntled customer was waving a hammer around."

The Wicked Queen slumped in her seat in despair, if she wasn't the sexiest how could she remain Queen? [Look I told you she wasn't really wicked - she just has some self-esteem issues.] She wailed at the mirror.

"What am I going to do now?"

"I'm a magic mirror not a bloody agony aunt! First you want to smash me to smithereens, and now you want me to solve all your problems. Sheeesh!"

The mirror subsided into a wounded silence and refused the Queen's entreaties for advice or solace, though occasionally it would deign to reply.

"I refer the Queen to the answer that I gave earlier."

After a fruitless half hour of this the Wicked Queen left her dressing room and sat by the window staring out at the forested hills in the distance and then the glimmer of an idea came to her. Further cogitation followed and a plan was formed; finally she reached a decision and rang the bell to summon her Trusty Manservant.

Very quickly the Trusty Manservant arrived.

"Oh there you are Scipio! Do me a great service will you and get rid of Snow Friday? Any time within the next couple of hours will be fine." Subtle, the Wicked Queen was not.

"Shouldn't you be using a few more circumlocutions, My Queen?"

"We could… but this way you get more time to spend with that lusty serving wench that you been making time with - Ali isn't it? And I get more time to daydream about what I will do when, once more, I'm the sexiest around!" The queen examined her slippers, admiring the cute bunny ears and the little white bob-tale on the heel. [See I told you she was wearing bunny-slippers! Perhaps you'll believe me next time? Yes I have already gloated, but always take an opportunity to gloat, that's what I always say.]

"As you say My Queen. Do you have a preferred method of 'disposal'?"

"Perhaps you'd like to take her to the Old Forest and see what develops from there?"

"Your wish is my command, My Queen." And so saying the Trusty Manservant backed out of the room, bowing as he did so. It didn't do to annoy her when she was in this sort of mood. Since the King had left on one of his periodic crusades she had been unpredictable at best. Mulling over these thoughts the Trusty Manservant made his way to Snow Friday's apartments in the other wing of the palace. [Why do buildings have wings? Do they fly? Can you eat them? No! Ergo they're not wings they're… Oh all right I'll stop rambling. Anyway he's about to disturb Friday and put his nefarious plan into action] The Trusty Manservant paused at the door to Snow Friday's apartment and raised his hand to knock on the door. The faint but distinct sounds of someone in the throes of passion made him pause - a few minutes either way wouldn't hurt - so the Trusty Manservant waited until all was quiet. Then he knocked.

"C… Come!" Was it his imagination, but did he detect the sounds of girlish giggling at the obvious pun? The Trusty Manservant opened the door to discover Friday and her companion hastily rearranging their clothing.

"Oh, it's you Nick. You might have said, then we wouldn't have had to rush to get dressed."

"Sorry, Princess Friday. I waited until I thought you had finished, and then I knocked."

Snow Friday and her companion blushed prettily as they realised the sounds that he must have heard. The Trusty Manservant finally remembered her name, 'Cat'. It had been bothering him for a few seconds when it didn't leap immediately to mind.

"Well come on then, out with it."

"You stepmother is having a rant. The mirror has told her that she isn't the sexiest any more."

"Oh is that all! I thought it was something important!"

"Unfortunately the mirror has named you as the sexiest."

"I always knew that mirror had taste. What does it matter?"

"She's told me to get rid of you."

"Oh! Couldn't the mirror have lied to her for a few more years? It's been doing it for long enough anyway."

"It's been complaining about losing its integrity."

"It's a magic mirror for goodness' sake who expects integrity from a mirror!" Friday was incredulous.

"It says that it's got to be true to itself."

"Just what this tale needs a mirror with delusions of existential angst."

"Be that as it may, I'm supposed to take you to the Old Forest and get rid of you!"

"Oh well I've always fancied a trip to the mountains."

She dragged Cat into the dressing room and with much giggling and squeals Snow Friday changed into some clothes more appropriate for a trip to the mountains.

"Okay I'm all set, if we don't leave soon the old* windbag will get suspicious." [*Look don't blame me, it's not my fault that everyone over the age of twenty is 'old' to Fairytale Princesses!]

Snow Friday and the Trusty Manservant made their way, up hill and down dale, through field and vale over bridge and … [All right, already! You get the picture. Anyhow this is the part where Bambi gets his!] Eventually they reach a clearing in the Old Forest many leagues from the Castle of the Wicked Queen. The Trusty Manservant turns to Snow Friday.

"I think this is far enough."

"Far enough for what?"

"Far enough to make the Queen think that I've done away with you. Unless of course you want me actually to do it?" [Oh don't you just love it when someone avoids a split infinitive!]

Snow Friday looks coquettishly at the Trusty Manservant. Batting her eyelids as she speaks in a fake southern accent, "Surely you wouldn't really do away with little ol' me?"

"It's tempting, if you're going to continue to behave in this ridiculous manner." The Trusty Manservant considers things for a moment. "I'm going to need proof of your demise."

"A deer's heart is the usual token."

"No, that's too obvious. {Phew! Bambi is safe, but what does the Trusty Manservant have in mind?] I think you'll have to give me your clothes."

"You cannot be serious!" Said Friday in an unconscious imitation of a certain tennis player of our acquaintance.

"Would you rather I did it for real?"

"What's wrong with a deer?"

"Like I said, too obvious and for another thing I really enjoyed 'Bambi' when I was a young boy. Now stop wasting time and strip!"

Seeing the adamant expression on the Trusty Manservant's face Snow Friday reluctantly removed her clothes. All too soon, from her point of view, she was naked. The Trusty Manservant picked up her clothes and pushed them into his rucksack.

"I'll slash them a little before I hand them over."

The Trusty Manservant wished her good luck in the rest of her life and loped off back the way they had come. Snow Friday looked down at her nakedness and then around her at the forest. The day was still warm and a gentle breeze caressed her. Ahead of her she could see a path lit by dappled sunlight and she began to walk.

"This is another fine mess you've got me into."

["I don't know, it has its good points; two of them, actually, from where I'm standing."]

"That's another thing, why has it got colder all of a sudden?"

["That's just your overactive imagination dear, and the fact that you're not wearing any clothes."]

"You just had to remind me, didn't you?"

["I'm hardly likely to forget am I? One of the 'perks' of this job is to view gorgeous girls wearing little or no clothing. I think the mirror had it just about right."]

While this pleasant conversation continued, Snow Friday was walking cautiously down a well-trodden path. With little warning the path opened out into a delightful forest glade. The sun shone warmly into the clearing and brightly coloured butterflies fluttered by in profusion as they settled again after being startled by the sudden appearance of a naked Snow Friday.

"Do you have to keep mentioning it?"

["What? Oh the fact that you're naked, nude, unclothed, starkers, wearing only your birthday suit, dressed as Eve..."]

"I'm sure everyone has got the idea!"

["At least the sun is very warm, who says I'm not kind to my characters?"]

"You're all heart, you know that? Who got me into this state in the first place?"

[The author maintains a dignified silence and gets on with the task in hand, namely moving the story forward, pausing now and then to admire the gentle curvature of Snow Friday's bottom, that reminded him of nothing so much as a peach...]

Snow Friday walked boldly up to the front door of the cottage. Since she was a very well-mannered Princess, she knocked on the door and waited to see if anyone would answer it. After a few minutes of fruitless waiting, Snow Friday pushed the door open and entered the cottage. Like all such Fairyland cottages, it was much bigger on the inside than it appeared to be. The kitchen, though, was a mess and the dining room looked like a horde of ravening beasts had stopped to eat here. Snow Friday noted the seven chairs. Continuing her exploration, she was relieved to see that the other rooms were reasonably tidy. A twisting staircase led Friday upwards to the bedrooms. On each side of a longish corridor were a series of doors; above each door was a nameplate, as she walked she read the names to herself.

"Tickly, Wimpy, Ropey, Licky, Hanky, Spanky, and Wanky."

At the end of the corridor was another door; above the door was another nameplate that read 'Our Guest'. What gave Friday a pause for thought was the fact that it had originally read 'Our Victim' but the word 'Victim' had been crudely scribbled out and the word 'Guest' substituted. Shrugging her shoulders, there wasn't anything she could do about it now anyway, Snow Friday made her way back to the Kitchen and began to tidy up. [Tidying up is the universal currency when you are a naked maiden in distress.]

"Is there anyway I could persuade you to forget my state of undress?"

["I'm sure I could think of something…"]

Much more quickly than one would have thought, Snow Friday finished tidying the Kitchen and the Dining room. [This is Fairyland after all!] Tired from her exertions Friday lay down on one of the settees in the Sitting room and fell into a deep sleep.

Snow Friday yawned and stretched; just as she was reaching maximum extension, she realised that she was surrounded by silent people.

"Nice tits." Said one.

"I'm a pussy man myself." Said another.

Eschewing the obvious reaction of screaming and attempting to cover the aforementioned body parts, Friday finished her stretch and then sat up.

"I'm Snow Friday, I'm sorry to barge in on you like this, but as you can see I've been having a little bit of bad luck lately. I did tidy up for you, as a sort of 'thank you'."

Not being versed in the etiquette of appearing naked before seven, count 'em seven leering strangers she thought she had done pretty well in the circumstances.

"May I ask who you are?"

After a quick exchange of glances one of the group of seven stepped forward.

"I'm Licky. These these three are Hanky, Spanky and Wanky. That lot over there are Tickly, Ropey and last and definitely least Wimpy. Collectively the Seven Perverts."

As the names were spoken Friday noticed that they were each wearing overalls that had their name embroidered into the right breast pocket.

"Those are unusual names."

"They're more like nicknames, you'll see why if you stay."

"I was wondering about that. I've seen your 'guest' room..."

"Since you're here and you're not wearing any clothes, I presume that you're in some sort of trouble?"

"Yeah, you could say that."

"You want to tell us about it?"

Snow Friday sighed. It's one thing to be a beautiful princess and live a fairytale life; it's quite another when the darker side of the fairytale starts to show. It occurred to her that the real villain of this piece was the magic mirror, she let her imagination run riot as she considered ways to exact her revenge. The sound of a throat being cleared interrupted her pleasant reverie and she put the thought of a timer-controlled pendulum swinging ever closer to a pleading magic mirror to one side.

"Sorry, I was just having a pleasant daydream. My problems started when my stepmother's magic mirror finally decided to tell her that I as the sexiest woman in Fairyland. She thinks that if she eliminates me then she will again be the sexiest and her position as Queen will be safe."

"Does this mirror talk in rhyme by any chance?"

"Sometimes."

"Does it tend to exaggerate how many years of bad luck you will receive if you break it?"

"Definitely. How did you know that?"

"Oh we know this mirror of old. You know the problem with talking mirrors?"

"No."

"People get so hung up on that the fact that they can talk, they think that they are some sort of oracle."

"You mean I'm not the sexiest woman in Fairyland?" Snow Friday wasn't sure how she felt about that.

"I'm sure there's someone who thinks so." All of the seven perverts leered at her, doing their best to prove the validity of the foregoing statement! "Just like there's someone who thinks your stepmother is the sexiest..."

"So all I have to do is to find some way of convincing the mirror and then it can tell my stepmother and then I'll be safe?"

"Seems a mite too complicated a plan to me. Why not stay here until you think of a better one?"

"I presume you have some sort of 'rent' in mind."

"You could say that. We don't often have a willing 'guest', how about you let each of us show you how we got our nicknames - one person per night until you want to leave?"

"Please say you'll stay for a bit; it gets a bit lonely out here as the only woman." The name on the overalls read 'Hanky'. Not seeing that she had much choice Snow Friday voiced her agreement to the terms of the 'rent'.

"I suppose there's no chance of something to wear is there?"

"We like seeing you naked." Friday couldn't see who the speaker was, but it didn't matter, as everyone else in the room seemed to agree. So Friday resigned herself to at least a week without clothes.

-oOo-

Meanwhile, dear reader, back at the palace the Wicked Queen (who isn't so wicked really - just insecure) was having second and third thoughts. She had taken Snow Friday's clothes, artfully ripped though they were, as just a sham. Her Trusty Manservant had assured her that Snow Friday had been 'dealt with' and she had been glad that a young deer hadn't been killed, just to prove it to her. [See, she likes Bambi too!] For the first time in almost a week she made her way to the dressing room where the mirror lurked.

"Okay, you know the drill by now."

"Which drill? The one where you threaten me, or the one where we talk as reasonable individuals?"

"Just tell me what I need to know."

"Actually I could show you."

"Show me what?"

"Show you the answer to the question that you're going to ask me, which, by the way, is getting to be more than a little tedious."

"So show me."

"Show you what?"

"I think I'm suffering from deja ecoute, I'm sure we've had this exchange already."

"You have to ask me."

Sighing dramatically the Wicked Queen intoned her usual question.

"Mirror, mirror on my table. Who is the sexiest in this fable?"

The surface of the mirror wavered and then steadied down to show an exterior view of the cottage. Now the viewpoint changed and in Hitchcockian fashion zoomed down and towards the door. Above the door was a newly painted sign. 'Seven Perverts' House'. The Wicked Queen cringed as the zoom continued through the door and then up the stairs, finally arriving at the open doorway to the 'Guest' room at the end of the corridor. Through the doorway Snow Friday could be seen writhing erotically on the bed. Presumably her arms and legs were tied to the four corners, but the view afforded by the open door did not let the viewer see for certain. An unseen person was wielding a feather, the tip of which, danced lightly over Snow Friday's stomach and her shaven pubic mound. There was no sound but as the feather dipped between her legs the quality of her writhing changed; what was before merely erotic, became sex incarnate. The Wicked Queen watched, mesmerised, as Snow Friday suffered an apparently endless orgasm. All too soon the view faded and was replaced by her own reflection, somewhat flushed.

"I think that answers your question, don't you?"

"So tell me where the cottage is."

"In the forest about halfway up the second mountain from the right."

"That's like 'second star to the right and straight on 'til morning' isn't it?"

"Almost, I'm so glad my literary allusions aren't wasted on you."

"Do I have to wave the hammer at you again."

"One of these days I can see we're going to have a chat about anger management and delayed gratification."

"Just tell me where the cottage is!"

"Halfway up a mountain called Ben Walton*" [*Yeah I know it's a silly name! But this tale is twice as long, already, as I planned it to be - the damn mirror is taking over and I bet there aren't any Roger Whittaker fans reading this and so I've wasted a perfectly good allusion to a song title as well!]

"Thank you."

The Wicked Queen made her way down to her dungeon and dragging out her largest cauldron began to mutter terrible incantations…

[Deleted Scene]

Laughing manically the Wicked Queen held aloft a small orange-like citrus fruit. [Altogether now: "A Kumquat". Come-quat geddit… I don't know why I bother sometimes!] Then without further ado she opened a hitherto unnoticed [by me anyway] door and hurried down the tunnel that appeared behind it. Since it was a magic tunnel, and a magic door for that matter, the Wicked Queen found herself in a cave not far from the clearing in which the Seven Perverts' House nestled. The Wicked Queen walked briskly to the front door and knocked. After a while the door was opened and an erotically dishevelled face appeared from around the edge of the door.

"Oh it's you, I suppose you'd better come in."

"What do you mean it's me?"

"You might not look much like my stepmother, but how likely am I to meet anyone else in this neck of the woods?"

So saying Snow Friday turned and walked back into the house.

"My, what a red bottom you have dear."

"Yeah, it was Spanky's turn last night."

"I saw you being attacked with a feather the day before."

"Tickly." Said Friday shortly. She was glad the Wicked Queen had arrived as she had experienced all seven of the 'perversions' and she wasn't completely sure that she could survive another round of them. Never have so many orgasms been induced by so few!

"So tell me about them."

"Lets see; first there was Wanky, he was into mutual masturbation." Amongst other things thought Friday. Admittedly she had felt strange about 'doing it' in front of a stranger, but she could hardly deny that the extra frisson had added something to the experience.

"Then there was Hanky, she liked the feel of silk." And who was she to argue, mused Friday, there was definitely something about the feel of a fingernail gently scratching her clitoris through a layer of silk!

"After that was Licky; with a name like that I think you can guess he was into oral sex." Friday grinned; boy was he ever! "I may have passed out because I don't remember much after the first ten orgasms or so."

The Wicked Queen squirmed in her seat. Friday smiled wickedly at her. "Are you sitting comfortably, Stepmother dear? Then I'll continue." At this point Friday lay back in her chair and gently stroked herself, she sighed contentedly.

"Where was I? Number four was Ropey. I never knew that bondage could be so entertaining. Of course it took a few hours or so for some of the marks to disappear, but that was all right as I was exhausted from all the teasing. Have you ever been kept from coming for hours on end?"

The Wicked Queen shook her head.

"No? You should get dad to try it sometime. When I was eventually allowed to come I screamed the house down! I think they heard me on the next mountain."

Friday opened her legs wider and started to circle her clitoris gently, her other hand stroked her nipples, occasionally squeezing one or other of them a bit harder and causing herself a sudden intake of breath.

"Number five was a bit different, that was Wimpy. He was into romantic sex as well as a bit of female domination." It had made a welcome change from the previous four nights and it had been pleasant for Snow Friday to 'wear the trousers' if only figuratively.

"Then there was Tickly. Of course I was tied up for him too." Friday sniggered, "I think bondage may be something of a fetish for the author of this particular fairytale!"

["You may think that, I couldn't possibly comment."]

"And finally there was Spanky. He is definitely someone that dad should have a discussion with Stepmommy dearest." Friday didn't know how he managed it but Spanky had managed to make her come just by spanking her alone, she wasn't sure how she felt about that, apart from sore that is. Meanwhile her questing fingers had finished the job she had set them and now she gazed at her Stepmother from under heavily lidded eyes.

"So now you're here what are you going to do?"

"Firstly she is going to strip and then I'm going to give her the spanking of her life and then we're all going to live happily ever after!"

"Daddy! You're back."

The Dragon* King looked at his young wife and daughter. [*It's a family title OK?]

"I can see there are a few things that have to be worked out."

The Wicked Queen ran to her husband, jumped into his arms and burst into tears. "I've missed you terribly why didn't you call, I thought you didn't care any more!"

[See I told she wasn't really wicked.]

The King hugged her. "I did try, but the mirror was always engaged."

"I'm going to have words with that mirror. Mostly ones that involve the words smash and tinkle."

Snow Friday and the Misunderstood Queen hugged and cried while the King looked benignly on. While he surreptitiously removed his belt, it wouldn't do for a King to go back on his word would it. A spanking had been decreed and a spanking there would be. But it would be very long or very hard, unlike the comforting that would take place afterwards!

And there Gentle Reader we will leave the tale of Snow Friday and the Seven Perverts. Mainly because I'm several days late and it's three times longer than I envisaged! I'll leave you with a little puzzle. Who are the seven perverts?

-Fin-