It was a dark and stormy night,
An' the captain said to t'mate,
'Tell us a tale, you gradely lad,
An nae one ahm likely to hate.'

'Aye Cap'n, Sir, I'll tell ee a tale,
T'neet you're really in luck.
Tis aboot a man, and his gradely wife,
The sort you'd be pleased to meet.'

It fell about the Martinmas time,
And a gradely time t'was then,
When his goodwife she'd got puddings to make,
And she boil'd them all in a pan.

The wind sae cauld blew south and north,
And also blew ont' floor;
Quoth our good man to his gradely wife,
'Gae out and bar the door.'

'My hand is in my hussyfskap,
Good man, as ye may see;
An't door should nae be barr'd agen,
It'll no be barr'd by me.'

The man he then got rightly fashed
And steam came from his ears
'Gae oot and bar the door.' he said,
'It's time for weekend's tears.'

They made a paction 'tween them twa,
They made it firm and sure,
That the first word whae ain shou'd speak,
Shou'd rise and bar the door.

Then by there came twa gentlemen,
At twelve o' clock that night,
An' they could see no hoose nor hall,
Nor coal, nor candle-light.

'Now whether is this a rich man's house,
Or whether is it a poor?'
But ne'er a word wad ane o' them speak,
For barring of the door.

Then first they ate the puddings white,
And then they ate the black.
Tho' muckle thought the goodwife to hersel'
Yet ne'er a word she spak.

Then said the one unto the man,
'Such cheek, upon my life,
Tak aff the woman's clothes reet now
And whip your gradely wife.'

'Her hand is in her hussyfskap!
'God's blood, she told thee nay.
That door shou'd be reet barr'd at once,
And barr'd as thee did say.'

'To disobey, to say thee nay,
It shows how free her lip.
So let me tak me staff to her.
Remove her clothes. I'll whip.'

O up then started our good man,
An angry man was he:
'Will ye whip my wife before my een?
Leave off, leave whippin to me.'

Then up and started the gradely wife,
She gied three skips on t' floor:
'Good man, you've spoken the very first word!
So, gae up and bar the door.'

'Tis time thee showed thee has some spunk.
At last it's come to pass.
And t'gentlemen, they can watch thee whip
That staff across me rear end.'

The good man went an barred t'door
'Now come thee, lass, to me'
He then tak'd off the woman's clothes.
The gentlemen watched with glee.

The goodwife then, with bottom bare,
Was whipped while oer his knee,
Then all three men tak'd her to bed,
T'was her birthing day, you see.

The Captain smiled. 'A gradely tale,
A gradely tale,' said he.
'The next time I'll get home to me wife,
She'll bar the door for me.'