So Abram rose,
and clave the wood, and went, And took the
fire with him, and a knife. And as they
sojourned both of them together, Isaac the
first-born spake and said, My Father, Behold the
preparations, fire and iron, But where the
lamb for this burnt-offering? Then Abram bound
the youth with belts and strops, And builded
parapets and trenches there, And stretched
forth the knife to slay his son. When lo! an
angel called him out of heaven, Saying, Lay not
thy hand upon the lad, Neither do
anything to him. Behold, A ram, caught in
a thicket by its horns; Offer the Ram of
Pride instead of him. But the old man
would not so, but slew his son, And half the
seed of Europe, one by one.
Wilfred Owens ~
WWI British Poet
Things got worse
instead of better. Waddie wouldn't respond to anything Morgan tried.
Finally, in desperation, Morgan pulled one of Waddie's protective boxes
of toys out of the closet and crawled in next to his son. He pulled him
up into his arms to hold him. He kissed him gently on his forehead to
wake him. Waddie wasn't asleep. He was unconscious. He could hear and
feel Morgan but he couldn't answer. He laid there for a night and a day
unconscious due to hunger and dehydration. Waddie was so weak he
couldn't get up to walk to the old pot he kept under his bed to piss
in. He'd soiled himself and his bed on the floor of the closet.
Severe
depression, then called melancholia, can be more severe, even life
threatening, in children than in adults. An adult has life experiences
to draw upon to cushion the downward spiral. A child, many times, will
give up. Once a child's brain is convinced there is no hope it will
close down the need centers of hunger and fluid intake. After a certain
point he has no urge to sustain his body and dies of starvation or
dehydration. Waddie reached a point of hanging in the balance
between life and death. He was barely breathing. His pulse rate was
declining rapidly. He was beginning to feel chilled because the blood
was not pumping through his small body at the correct rate. He was
aware of Morgan taking him into his arms but he couldn't move or
respond. He couldn't make his eyes open. His spark of life was now a
fading ember. What a sad comment on the adults caring for him to allow
this to happen. Waddie overheard Willie tell his sister he hoped the
little bastard died; then he'd have the upstairs to himself again.
Waddie's ma never climbed the stairs to check on him in his self
imposed isolation. She could've cared less.
Morgan was to
blame most of all because he knew the boy hadn't eaten in several days;
he didn't remember how many. An adult can go much longer without food
and water but a child won't last very long. Still Morgan refused to
consider he may have been wrong about Waddie and defuse the situation.
If he just gutted it out, he told himself, and waited, Waddie would
come around and see things his way. For Morgan to admit he was wrong
would mean he had to reevaluate his need for 'family' and the cost of
that ideal to him and his son. His child should've come first; however,
he knew if he admitted to Waddie he believed him, it would require a
major decision on his part. How could he trust his wife if she
participated in this deceit? If, what Waddie told him was true,
he'd been framed all these times, Morgan realized his ideal of having a
family would have to be severely reevaluated; perhaps, even terminated.
Morgan had the misguided idea, 'By God, we're family and families work
their problems out together, they help one another, and stay together,
no matter what.' Morgan's almost pathological need for his ideal was
greater than his love for Waddie. For that ideal, and his denial of
reality, he was unwittingly sacrificing his son on the alter of pride.
Whether he meant
it or not, Morgan could've thrown the child a bone of hope he might
reconsider. Waddie's attempts to reason with Morgan fell on deaf ears
and a hardened heart. A five year old boy trying to reason with an
adult on his level became too much for the child. He tried everything
his five year old brain could think to get his dad to listen to him.
There is no man so blind as he who will not see, nor one so deaf as he
who will not hear. As Waddie's life was leaving his body Morgan still
clung to his belief, Waddie would come around when he got hungry or
thirsty enough; however, Morgan found no evidence Waddie was
drinking liquids. No one saw him go to the bathroom. How long does one
play Mexican standoff when a child's life is at stake? The 'wise ape'
will spend hundreds of dollars to get a mother cat and her kittens out
of a drain pipe; yet, the same species will ignore a child, one of
their own, slowly slipping away from life at the bottom of his
closet. What irony,— three adults murder a five year old,
beautiful, bright, intelligent and spirited little boy and because they
didn't use a gun, will never be called to account for their actions. A
child whose depth of love couldn't be measured becomes the fallen
victim of pride, jealousy, hatred and mendacity.
Morgan loved him
but almost like a toy or a pet. Throw the ball for him a little, pat
him on the head, tell him he's a good boy and send him to his room.
Waddie was a child who needed love. Show me a child who doesn't.
Pinnochio was his favorite children's book. He would always cry at the
end to see the little wooden boy become a real son to, Geppeto. Too
young to understand the subtle ramifications of psychological
transference from fiction to fact; that's all he wanted from Morgan was
to become his real son. It wasn't like the boy was asking that much.
All he wanted was for his dad to hear and consider what he was telling
him and at least give him the benefit of the doubt. Waddie forgave
Morgan many times for unkept promises and cruelty he suffered at the
hands of his step-brother, step-sister and ma. He would go to Morgan to
tell him of his hurt and Morgan wouldn't even hear the boy out before
he started his standard band-aid collection of homilies; be brave, be
strong, ignore it, think positive, don't let them get to you, stay out
of their way. Morgan kept 'them' around as a symbol of a family he so
desperately wanted; however, in doing so, he unwittingly fostered the
child's torment. Unwitting only because of indifference to his son's
plight. He tried to downsize Waddie's fears and complaints while
forgetting a child's world is so much smaller than an adult's that even
the smallest of problems loom large on their abilities to cope. Waddie
was Bambi against Godzilla. Like a bank, Waddie deposited all his love
into Morgan for safe keeping. Morgan spent or squandered Waddie's love
until he bankrupted the account. There was no one else in Waddie's
small world to love but Morgan and his account registered overdrawn;
insufficient love.
Waddie really
didn't stop loving his dad. Assuming you have a soul, you can't undo
love. He knew that, but he was hoping Morgan didn't. That made it all
the more painful for Waddie. The final blow,— he didn't think Morgan
really cared whether he lived or died. So if Morgan didn't care he
would get out of his hair and he wouldn't have to deal with a bad boy
anymore;— because of his love for Morgan, Waddie was ready to
cross the threshold. He wasn't going to show his love for Morgan
anymore until Morgan believed in him again. Waddie knew how stubborn
his dad could be and resigned himself, his hope was not to be. You
don't do things like Morgan did to his son and expect the child to keep
loving you, unconditionally. Morgan felt Waddie's pulse and mouthed out
loud,
"Oh, my God! I
may be too late." Morgan yelled to Judy to run downstairs and call an
ambulance. Morgan gently picked up Waddie and backed out of the closet,
turned and placed him on his bed. Willie was leaning against the door
with a sneer on his face with no offer to help.
"Willie," Morgan
said very quietly, "if you don't want your Goddamn head ripped off you
better get to your room, lock your door, and stay in there until I'm
gone. You got that,— you filthy little cocksucker!" Willie scurried
away into his hole.
Morgan ran
downstairs and grabbed the phone out of Judy's hand. It occurred to him
if Judy was of Willie's deceit, could he really trust her to call an
ambulance? To her credit she had and Morgan acted like the crazed
father he was.
Waddie was
comfortable, he was in no pain. He was beyond feeling any
discomfort. He knew he was dying. He didn't know dying could be so
peaceful. He didn't want to leave like this. After all, he loved Morgan
more than anybody. He wanted to say goodbye to Morgan and let him know
it was all right. He forgave him and would always love him. He was
standing in his room, outside his body, watching Morgan. All he had to
do was leave through the light portal in front of him. It was very
tempting. Why should he stay here? He was unloved in this world. He
watched Morgan sitting there on the edge of the bed, tears running down
his face, trying to revive Waddie;— speaking to him;— begging him.
"Hold on,
Waddie,— don't go, Son,— don't leave me. Oh, God, Waddie. I've been
such a fool. I put you through this. I thought you were going through a
phase. I should've known with your passion for life and love you'd
rather die than not have my trust. Son, don't leave me. I don't think I
can survive without you. Waddie, I'm so sorry."
Somehow, he knew
Morgan couldn't see or hear him. Waddie placed his hand on Morgan's
shoulder in an effort to comfort his dad. He knew in that moment, with
that gesture, he still had a great love in his heart for Morgan, and it
hurt even worse to say goodbye.
"Give up, Dad,—
I have." he said to Morgan. "You never talked with me when I was alive,
yet you continue to talk at me when I'm dead. I'm not a wailing wall,
Morgan, I'm your five year old son who needed his dad to be strong,
loving and understanding; to keep him from harms way. The time for talk
is past, Dad. Don't call me back to live more pain. Goodbye, Dad,
I'll always love you." Waddie kissed Morgan on his cheek.
Morgan raised his hand to his face to feel a moist area. Waddie saw a
movement in the light portal and there stood a big, fine looking man.
He stood for a moment getting his bearings;— brushed himself off a bit.
He came to Waddie, squatted on his haunches, opened his arms to the
boy. Waddie moved to him and embraced him. Waddie wasn't afraid, he
knew he was from God.
"Made up you
mind, Son?" the handsome man asked him.
"No, Sir. I
still love my dad. He just don't know it. Have you come for me, Sir?"
The big man stood, easily taking Waddie up into his arms to hold him.
"Well,— you did
ask the Old Man to love you and take you home, didn't you?"
"Yes, Sir, I
did. You mean he heard me?" Waddie asked in wonder.
"He hears every
prayer. He can't answer all of them but he does a good job. Besides,
some prayers are best left unanswered. In your case he was ready to
step in. You told him nobody down here loves you and maybe the way
you're looking at it that's true. Look at your dad there. He's in
anguish over the thought of losing you. Anguish equals loss of
investment,— no,— he's not in that much anguish. Granted he shouldn't
have left you alone to sink further and further into melancholy. Then
again, he hasn't had a lot of support from your ma, either. She's
equally guilty. The others’ deceitfulness to help bring this about is a
matter unto itself. Your half brother is the personification of evil.
No matter their involvement, you were, first of all, Morgan's
responsibility. He must accept the blame if you decide to go with me.
I'm not going to
try to tell you what to do 'cause the Old Man told me to let you
decide. This is your call, Son. Whatever you choose to do He'll go
along with; you'll have His love and blessing either way; but, I have
to tell you some of the wonderful things you'll be missing out on. By
the way, I'm neither here to scold you nor make you feel bad about
rejecting your dad. We all think you've had it pretty rough. Just
between us, cowboy,— His 'Nibs',— the Almighty,— ain't real pleased
with your dad right now. We don't understand how Morgan could love you
as much as he claims and not hear what you're trying to tell him. Age
has nothing to do with it. If you're five or fifty-five he should've
listened. Some folk’s thick-headedness boggles the mind.
Willie, his
sister and mother are not nice people. First of all there's something
you have to know about them, Son. They have no souls. They're meat
machines the other side has walking around hurting good people with
souls.
"If my ma
doesn't have a soul, how’d I get one, Sir?"
"Oh, dear! The
Old Man warned me about you. He said you were bright for a five year
old and had the seeing power of Joseph. You're not going to let me off
with, 'you'll understand later,' are you?" Waddie smiled real big at
him and slowly shook his head 'no.' "I didn't think so;— all
right, the Boss told me I can reveal certain things to you and I will
but first listen. Soulless people manage to host off of good people
while sucking them dry. They try to rob a person with a soul not only
of their resources but their soul as well. They so desperately want a
soul they'll do anything to try to get yours. They have no conscience.
They can convince you they love you one day, empty your bank account
the next, all the while sucking your soul dry emotionally, and never
have a second thought about it. It's all in a day's work to them. Your
dad doesn't realize it but his need for family is sucking his soul out
of him and he can't see clearly how to deal with you. If you decide to
stay you have to help him fight them. You have to wean him away from
them. You don't have to worry 'how' right now,— when the time comes,
the Old Man will send me to be by your side. I'll help you. The Old Man
was going to see to it you get to cut Willie's balls off, so to speak,
as a final shot at him; if you decide to stick around. Of course, you
probably wouldn't be interested in retribution."
"What's
retribution, Sir?"
"Getting even in
spades." The angel winked at Waddie and they both laughed.
"If you go home
with me you'll be missing one of the greatest loves of your life. A
little man your same age is moving into the adjacent ranch even as we
speak. His name is George Gipson Gentry Justin. Devil of a name, ain’t
it?" The angel and Waddie had another good laugh, "His family calls him
George. He hates that name so you call him 'Gip.' Then everyone begins
to call him 'Gip.' Sometimes you'll call him '3G.' Within this week
you'll have a second dad to be the best buddy you ever had. You and he
become closer than you can ever imagine. The two of you will share one
of the greatest loves the world has ever known, and just between us,
the Old Man was really looking forward to getting you two together.
He's an old softy. He loves happy endings. Neither of you will have any
idea the power your love can have but together you will learn. He'll
marry a wonderful woman who you'll come to love better than your
current,— shall we say,— female keeper." The beautiful man-angel went
on and on about Buck and Linda Sue and told Waddie some things that
began to make his life make sense. Waddie cried in his heart out in the
arms of the beautiful angel about some of the things he was telling
him. They seemed too good to be true but the angel assured him they
were. After all, angels and cowboys don’t tell lies. Waddie was
devastated by some of the angel’s revelations. The angel
comforted him. They're good at that.
Morgan had shown
Waddie many pictures of his Uncle Buck and Buck's sweetheart, Linda Sue
Davenport. He all ready loved them from their pictures. The angel also
explained to Waddie how he could have a soul and his ma didn't. The
angel told him many, many wonderful things. Waddie was told not to
reveal any of this information until the proper time. He would know
when that would be. He was stunned but not totally. It didn't cause him
to lose perspective. It certainly made his heart leap for joy and he
was happy. He couldn't leave now knowing what the angel told him. He
had to meet these people, see them for himself, touch them, hold them,
kiss them and tell them of his love for them. Waddie felt bad for his
dad, Morgan, who had no concept of the truths the angel was telling
him. It might hurt him deeply but he told the angel he loved Morgan
more than he wanted to admit; a lot more. Whatever Morgan did to him he
didn't want his dad hurt or miserable.
"You must
believe me, Waddie, your dad isn't a bad man. I think down deep you
know that, too. He's a lost man trying desperately to find his way. He
needs to rid himself of some preconceived concepts he’s holding on to
tighter'n a dog with a bone. We needed him to take care of you for a
while and he'll have his own awakening you must help him with;
but, remember,— he will always be your dad, just as Buck will be your
Godfather. Morgan all ready knows there's no containing the love you
and Buck will have for each other. Intuitively, he will understand and
allow your and Buck’s love to grow. He couldn’t stop it if he
wanted to. It will be a tsunami that will consume anyone who comes
close to you. Morgan's going to need you most of all, Son. Your
relationship will change but become stronger over the years. He'll lean
on you, even as young as your are, then you'll lean on him later in
your life. He will become your rock. If you're not here to love him and
see him though, I'm sorry, but he won't make it, Son. You don't know
what this is doing to him now.
Your other dad,—
your Godfather, Buck,— needs you, too. The Old Man wants him to become
sheriff of your county. Buck won't run for the office if you don't
suggest it to him and encourage him. You have to rally your adult
friends to urge him to run as well. If it looks like you can't convince
him then you pull out your trump card. You tell him he must run for the
office of sheriff. If he asks you, 'why?' Ask him if he remembers the
angel who touched him when he lay dying on Iwo Jima and gave him the
strength of ten men to do what had to be done and to come back to you.
I told him my name and so will you."
"What is your
name, Sir?"
"Urial, Son. Can
you remember that?"
"Yes, Sir, Mr.
Urial, I sure can." the angel laughed at Waddie.
"You look him in
the eye and tell him, Urial told me to tell you it's what you must do."
About that time
the ambulance guys were coming into the room. They lifted Waddie's body
onto a Gurney and headed for the stairs with Morgan close behind.
"We have to go
with them, Son. Put your arms around my neck." Waddie did and they were
instantly inside the ambulance. They had an IV drip of liquids going
into Waddie's arm.
"You sure God
won't mind if I go back, Sir?"
"He loves you,
Waddie. He always has, he always will, and he does look after children
like your dad told you. He has one of us running after you all the
time. He wants to know everything. This is your choice, Son. I'll take
you home to be with him or you can stay and see how it plays out. I'll
be honest with you, later on, your life gets pretty damn rough but you
never lose your faith, and for that, he sends you a love who will heal
and transform you. One you will be proud to take back to him and lay at
his feet. You'll lose one great love but he'll send you another. What's
it going to be, cowboy?"
"I can see my
dad's having a real hard time sitting there watching me. I don't think
he can make it by himself. I don't think I can pull out on him now,
Sir."
"He won't make
it by himself, Son. He'll be so distraught over your leaving him, he
won't be paying attention when he should and he'll be killed instantly.
The Old Man wouldn't let him live with that much to bear. He'll totally
blame himself and because he has a soul and a conscience he will accept
the blame. We made him responsible for you and he messed up. You tried
to tell him. The Old Man said for a five year old kid you did a damn
good job; but, for all this, you almost died, Son. Morgan
hasn't learned he must listen to you if he expects you to listen to
him. Now,— you're probably gonna' have to go through several more
whippings 'til Morgan gets it through his thick head you aren't lying
and you weren't lying. Try a new approach. Tell him you still love him
even though he punished you for something you didn't do. Tell him
because he taught you not to lie you won't anymore no matter how hard
he whips you. Tell him that and I promise I'll have my hand on you. You
won't feel more than the air of the belt. Tell him you still love him
even though he punished you for something you didn't do. If necessary
I'll appear to the son of bitch and put the fear of you know who in
him." They both had a good laugh over that. "You might consider a brief
vacation away from him."
"Like running
away?"
"I didn't say
that,— now, did I? (wink! wink!) If you should choose to take a
vacation of sorts, I'll be with you every step of the way and protect
you;— however, the Old Man told me to tell you, if you decide to stay
and put up with the shit, he'll make it worth your while. For a while
he'll give you free reign to torment Willie and then he want's you to
use your nuclear secret for your and his ultimate revenge. You'll
actually get to watch Willie piss his pants." Waddie was overcome
by giggles and the angel laughed, too. "We can't wait for that.
Everyone up there will see it on their,— home movie screens. (the angel
almost forgot they didn't have television. It was invented in nineteen
twenty-one by a fourteen year old high school student, Philo T.
Farnsworth; however, it didn't make it to a consumer product until the
late forties.)
"Get past that
and it's smooth sailing for you and your two dads. You'll have a choice
to choose one over the other and I've also got a bet with the Old Man
on that one."
"I have to stay,
Sir. I was angry with my dad but I can't let anything happen to him. It
ain't right to see somebody you love come to harm because you told them
you stopped loving them. Besides, I still love him too much, Mr.
Urial. Please, Sir,— may I go back?"
"Damn!"
"What's a’
matter, Sir."
"The Old Man bet
me the new model 'Terrible Swift Sword' to smite evil do'ers that you'd
go back. I honestly didn't think you would, Son. I bet on you going
with me, but I'm glad I lost the bet. I'm happy for you because it's
the right thing to do. Now, gimme' a big hug, a kiss and I'll send you
back."
"Tell Him,—
thank you and I love Him;— please, Mr. Urial."
"I will, indeed,
youngster."
Waddie hugged
and kissed the beautiful man and the angel told him one last thing.
"When I put you
back, you're gonna' feel like crap. Hold on to your dad's hand. Don't
let go and his love will give you the energy and strength to pull you
through." he paused for a minute.
"Oh, and by the
way, if you feel the need to show your love to you two dad's
physically,— don't be afraid or ashamed to and tell them not to either.
They're both good men. They won't allow you to until they feel your old
enough to make that choice. You're a sweet, little man, Waddie. I
wish you were going with me. God loves you, cowboy,— so do I."
"I love you,
too, Sir." said Waddie but he was all ready back in his body and his
dad heard him whisper those words and thought it was for him. Well,—
sometimes that's the way the Old Man does things.
"Oh, sweet baby,
I love you, too. I couldn't live without you, Waddie."
"I know, Dad.
The angel told me. He said not to let go of my hand. I need the energy
from your love to get better."
"I won't,
cowboy, I'm right here."
"His pulse is
stabilized and his temperature is coming around. I think he's gonna'
make it." said the ambulance attendant. Waddie's dad broke down and
wept for joy holding his son's hand.
They kept Waddie
in the hospital a week and all the nurses fell in love with him. He
didn't ask for much, was polite and grateful for any little thing they
did for him. They were all slipping him little things to make his day
go faster. The sixth day a huge cowboy came swaggering through the door
of Waddie's hospital room with all the balls and bravado of a Texas
twister, smiled and winked at Waddie like he knew him. He had a big
booming voice.
"Where the
Hell's this new nephew I been hear'n 'bout. Would that be you, Son?
Your name Waddie?"
"That'ud be me,
Sir." Waddie answered, blown away by this larger than life character.
He knew instantly who he was. He was the earthly angel God sent him.
Buck Claymore had a grin on his face a yard wide. Waddie smiled at him,
held his arms out to him, and the big man easily gathered him up.
Waddie's other relatives followed Buck into the room.
* * * * * * *
Deja vu~
"Hey, little
buddy!" he spoke softly, "So you're Uncle Buck's new nephew. Damned, if
you ain't prettier'n a speckled pup. You got the cutest little dimple
in your chin there. Hell,— Son,— your daddy couldn't a' made you no
finer looking."
"Howdy, Uncle
Buck. Damn, you're big!" The toe-headed kid exclaimed to the delight of
the big cowboy holding him. Buck threw back his handsome head and
laughed.
"Waddie! You're
not suppose to say 'damn.'" scolded his grandma.
"Well, Hell,
momma, he's right, Buck is a damn big man!" his dad came to Waddie's
defense. Everyone laughed.
"Are you gonna'
be my buddy, Uncle Buck?" Buck Claymore hugged the boy tight, bussed a
kiss behind his ear. How could he say 'no' to this beautiful little boy
in his arms?
"Of course I'll
be your buddy, little one, count on it! Take it to the bank, that's the
only reason I came home from the war because I heard a rumor you needed
a buddy. I'll be your buddy until I take my last breath!"
"Well, that's
good, 'cause I'm gonna' need somebody to rodeo with." Everyone thought
that was real cute, but Waddie was serious. He'd been to enough rodeos,
he knew what he wanted to be. He wanted to be a rodeo cowboy like his
dad and Uncle Buck. Waddie reached up to touch Buck's huge, wide
brimmed, felt cowboy hat. His dad scolded him.
"Waddie! You
don't never touch a cowboy's hat. That's just not done. It's bad
manners, Son."
"Awww, Hell,
Morgan! My buddy can touch my hat any Goddamn time he wants to. Here
Darlin', you wanna' wear old Uncle Buck's hat,— you can." Buck put his
size ten hat on the small boy and it fell down around his face.
Everyone laughed. "Here, let me adjust it for you, sweet baby." Buck
pushed the brim back so Waddie's handsome little face could be seen
framed in his buddy's huge hat. "Damned, if you don't look like a
buckaroo, Son." Buck allowed. Your buddy will get you one, first thing
tomorrow, that'll fit your pretty little cowboy head. Would you like
that?"
"Oh, yes, Sir!"
the boy smiled real big, "I love you, Uncle Buck!"
"Oh, sweet baby,
them be the sweetest words this cowboy's ever heard. Your Uncle Buck
sure as Hell loves you, too!"
End Deja vu~
* * * * * *
Then Waddie
caught sight of the beautiful woman whom his new buddy brought with him
to the hospital. He knew who she was from the angel and held his arms
out to her. He looked directly into her eyes with tears running down
his face. Linda Sue never met Waddie before Buck brought her to the
hospital. Was it her imagination or did he look a little like Buck?
Waddie hugged
and kissed her, crying, telling her she was the most beautiful woman
he'd ever seen. Linda Sue couldn't hold back her tears. She didn't know
why but she was powerfully overcome by the openness of this beautiful
little boy in her fiances arms. Buck had his huge arm around both of
them. Those who witnessed the three of them standing there embracing
had the greatest feeling of love, peace, and that the presence of God
was in the room. Even the big cowboy had tears running down his face.
"When you
gettin' married?" Waddie asked them watching Linda Sue blush.
"Pretty damn
quick, Son. How did you know?" Buck spoke up.
"An angel told
me on the way to the hospital. Told me he's a friend of yours, Uncle
Buck."
"Said he was a
friend of mine, cowboy?"
Yeah! Said you'd
remember his name and to tell you 'Hello,' Uncle Buck."
"What was his
name, Son?" Waddie leaned over and whispered the angels name in his
ear. Buck went white, his legs went rubbery under him, and he had to
sit on the edge of the bed. How could this child know that?
"Did he tell you
anything else, Son?"
"Yes, Sir,— lots
of things. He told me he met you on Ema Jaminna."
"Close enough,
cowboy." Buck laughed.
"Told you, you
had to go back home 'cause you had a son to live for who needed you.
That's me, Uncle Buck." Buck hugged Waddie tight as another tear ran
down his face.
"He did, indeed,
Son. I believe you, Waddie. I wish't I'd a' been with you to thank him.
I wouldn't be here now if'n it hadna' been for him."
"I thanked him
for us, Uncle Buck. He understands." Buck drew back and looked at
Waddie.
"Thanks, Son. I
appreciate that."
"Did he really
know the name of the angel who helped you, Buck?" asked Morgan.
"He certainly
did! I'd trust anything this boy tells me. He's been blessed same's me."
"I'd never lie
to you, Uncle Buck."
"I believe you,
Son."
"You were sent
to be my buddy, weren't you?"
"How'd you know?
I never told a soul. Oh, I see. He told you?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Well, good!
Then I'm in the right room. Co'mer, cowboy, you need some fresh air."
Without asking
anyone, Buck carried Waddie outside to the small park and sat with him
in the warm sun. The nurses were a' twitter but decided a little fresh
air wasn't going to hurt the boy. Besides, none of them wanted to go up
against the huge cowboy. The rest of the family disbursed and
returned to their homes. Waddie sat in Buck's lap next to Linda Sue.
Morgan sat with them. Waddie took Linda Sue's hand and held it in both
his hands.
"You're so
pretty, Aunt Linda."
"Waddie," said
Morgan, "Linda Sue ain't your Aunt yet." he corrected Waddie.
"She will be
soon enough, Dad. Give 'em a break!" Buck howled and Linda kissed
Waddie on the cheek.
"I'd love to be
your Aunt Linda, Waddie. You and I have something special. I think I
could love you ever bit as much as this big cowboy." She motioned
towards Buck laughing.
"He is awful
damn big, id-nee, Aunt Linda? Sure am glad he's gonna' be my buddy.
Don't never want him on my bad side." They all laughed again. They
talked for a while and Buck wanted to know why Waddie was in the
hospital. Waddie watched Morgan turn beet red and look down at his
boots. His son saved him.
"I been feeling
poorly for several days so the doctor wanted to put me in here and run
some test. They gimme' me a lube, oil change and a tune up." Buck
thought that was about the funniest damn thing he'd ever heard a kid
say. Waddie knew he had an easy audience with his big buddy. They
didn't stay out long and Buck took Waddie back to his room. Buck and
Linda said their goodbyes. Waddie hugged and kissed them. Linda cried a
few more tears and so did Waddie. They had that effect on each other;—
although,— Linda Sue didn't have a clue;— Waddie knew why. They
promised to return the next day.
After they left
he sat there with his dad, holding his hand and talking quietly.
"Thanks, Son,
for coming through for me like that. I would've told them the truth. I
could never lie to Buck."
"I would never
lie to him either just like I would never,— " Waddie stopped and looked
away. A tear rolled down his cheek finishing his sentence. At that
moment, Morgan felt about the lowest he'd ever felt in his life.
* * * * * * *
Buck was driving
Linda Sue back to her parents house. They both were quiet when they got
into the car. Buck sat there thinking for a minute before he started
the engine. Linda Sue felt his pensiveness but didn't say anything. She
thought he'd tell her if he wanted her to know. Finally he spoke.
"Linda? When I
was holding Waddie,— he was hugging you and I had my arms around you
both,— did you feel,— ?"
"Like a family?"
Linda Sue completed his sentence quietly.
"Yeah." was all
Buck said softly then started the engine of the car. As he drove he
looked over and grabbed her hand and squeezed it.
"I think that
was one of the best feelings I've ever had in my life, Darlin';— our
night together being first, of course. Do you know what I'm saying,
Love?"
"I felt it, too,
Buck. It was overwhelming. I instantly loved that little boy. He's so
open and loving like he's a bubbling fount of love who no one takes
much notice of. He seemed to know me. He sure knew you."
"Yeah." Buck
mused again. Meeting Waddie settled one thing in his mind. He
hadn't figured out how to tell Linda Sue he wanted to postpone their
marriage for a while. He was invited by his buddy, Audie Murphy, to go
to Hollywood and stay with him a couple of weeks. Now, after meeting
his nephew he knew he couldn't leave. The angel was right. That kid
needed him and he wasn't going to let him down. Buck couldn't figure
out what was going on but he knew the kid was in the hospital for some
reason other than a tune up;— he giggled to himself. Tune up, indeed!
That little shit! Well,— he didn't lie to me. They'd certainly see he
was running smoothly before they let him out.
"You want to go
with me tomorrow to visit him, Sweetheart?"
"No, not
tomorrow. You need some time alone with him. He needs to tell you
things he can't with me or his dad there. Things only best buddies
share with each other. You've fallen in love with him, haven't you,
Sweetheart?" she asked him. Buck looked at Linda Sue and
smiled.
"Not the same
way I love you, Darlin,' but,— yes,— I have. Now, tell me you didn't."
Buck smiled at Linda Sue.
"You wouldn't
want me to lie to you, would you?" She grinned at Buck. Buck smiled and
winked at her.
"I need to talk
privately with your dad when we get to your place, Honey,— do you
mind?" He smiled sweetly.
"Not at all."
she grinned knowingly at him.
Buck got Linda
Sue's dad off to himself. They went for a walk in the field behind the
Davenport's home. Buck offered Mr. Davenport a pull off his small metal
hip flask of Southern Comfort he always carried with him. The old man
was social and took a small pull and so did Buck.
"Mr. Davenport,
I want to thank you for your kindness and understanding towards me when
I was home on leave almost five years ago. I've seen a lot of water
flow under the bridge, Sir, in those five years; damn near got my ass
shot off. Man to man, Mr. Davenport, my time with Linda Sue and your
family was one of my finest memories that sustained me through the war."
"We love you,
Son."
"I feel that,
Mr. Davenport, and you know I love ya'll, too. What I need to tell you
is only between you and me. I wasn't going to go through with
marrying Linda Sue right away. I wanted to go and sow my wild oats, so
to speak."
"Her mom and I
knew that Buck. We sensed it. I don't think Linda Sue wants to admit it
but I think she feels it, too. She'll be all right, Buck."
"Well, my point
is, Mr. Davenport, I met a little boy today,— Morgan's boy,— my
nephew,— who needs me and he made me realize how much I need Linda Sue,
him, you and your family. He made me realize just what the Hell I
was fighting for and it sure as Hell weren't to sow no wild
oats. I can't go to Hollywood and be with my buddy, Audie, Mr.
Davenport. I have to stay here and marry Linda Sue. That's what God
wants me to do. I'm humbly asking your blessing again, Mr.
Davenport, to ask your lovely daughter to be my wife." The old man
choked up and Buck put his arm around him.
"Son, you have
the blessing of both parents. Her mother thinks the ground you walk on
should be paved in gold and I'm not far behind her in that estimation.
Of course you have our blessing. We'd be honored to have you as a
family member. Hell, I ain't losing a daughter, I'm gettin' me the
biggest damn son in the county." They laughed.
"Not a word to
her, Sir. I'll ask her tomorrow but today I gotta' buy a ring." Buck
bought a beautiful set of rings for Linda Sue. He had the engagement
ring wrapped and went by the hospital late. Visiting hours were just
about over when Buck walked into Waddie's room. He closed the door,
hugged and kissed Morgan right on the mouth in front of Waddie. Morgan
didn't hold back either. Then he went to Waddie and kissed him on the
mouth, too. Waddie thought that was wonderful to have a huge cowboy
like Buck give him a real kiss.
"Ain't got much
time, Guys. Here's the deal." He brought out the small package and
handed it to Waddie.
"I'm bringing
your Aunt Linda by with me again tomorrow. That's her engagement
ring. Now,— I want you to give it to her, cowboy. Would you do
that for your buddy?"
"I'd be right
proud to, Uncle Buck." Buck threw back his head and roared.
"Good! Now you
hang on to that and we'll see you tomorrow. Don't worry, Son, Linda Sue
is gonna' be your Aunt. Love you, sweet baby!" Buck grabbed
Waddie into his big arms and kissed him again.
"I love you,
too, Uncle Buck."
"Course,— I've
always loved your dad,— long's I can remember." He hugged and kissed
Morgan to say goodbye. He waved and was out the door.
"Why can't you
love and trust me the way you do Uncle Buck, Dad?" Morgan looked at
Waddie like he was stunned and couldn't speak. He felt any answer he
gave was going to be wrong. Waddie nailed Morgan to the wall. 'Be
gentle, Morgan,' he told himself.
"I never
realized I loved you differently than Buck, but now that you mention
it, I suppose I do. Maybe it's because you're five and he's almost
twenty years older than you."
"But, Dad, you
had the same love for him since you were a kid and it hasn't changed
that much. It's you, Dad! You think because you're an adult now you
can't love me like a kid,— it has to be different. There's a kid inside
of you who would argue with you, Dad."
"How is it you
know so much about love, all of a sudden?"
"'Cause I'm five
years old, Dad. Also 'cause here in the hospital is the first time I
ever remember you talking with me about anything. You always talk at
me. You never want to hear what I have to say. I know a lot of things
but you've never stopped long enough to listen to hear what I know.
I've known about love since I was a baby. Love isn't something only a
smart man can know about. Hell, Dad,— even animals know about love. Why
is it so surprising to you I might know about something and have an
opinion? You told me I was closer to God than you were and I know his
love. It ain't complicated, Dad,— in fact it's so simple a five year
old can understand it. It's grown ups who lose the 'knowing' of what it
means to love and be loved that makes love complicated. God never meant
for it to be that way."
"Did God tell
you that?"
"No, but his
angel did."
"Why did an
angel come to you, Waddie?"
"To give me a
choice."
"A choice about
what, Son?"
"I was dying,
Dad. He came to get me and take me home to God."
"Why didn't he
take you then?"
"He gave me a
choice of going with him or coming back for you. Did you want him to
take me, Dad?" Waddie's face started moving like he was going to cry.
"I almost did go with him because I thought you ain't never gonna'
believe me against Judy and her two kids. I thought you'd be better off
without a bad boy you had to beat all the time."
"No! No, sweet
baby. I just wanted to know what happened. God, no! I've never been so
relieved in my life as when you came around."
"Relieved? You
weren't glad or happy, Dad? Just relieved." Then Waddie did start
crying and didn't want Morgan to console him. "The only damn reason I
chose to come back was because you would be dead within three days of
my death if I didn't. I love you too damn much to let that
happen, but I'm glad to hear you were, at least, relieved, Dad;—
relieved I didn't cause you a lot of embarrassment. That makes me feel
so much better." Waddie was really gone now and Morgan didn't know what
to do. He didn't blame Waddie.
"Please, Dad,—
go home. I don't want you here tonight. I'd rather be by myself. If I
had a closet, here, right now, I'd crawl in it. Don't come back until
you're ready to love and trust me; otherwise, I'm going to tell the
doctor what really happened. I'll ask for protection and to be placed
in a foster home. I think I'd do much better there, at least they'd
pretend to love me."
"Waddie, please,
Son. I do love you. I didn't mean it the way it sounded."
"Please, Dad,—
just go." Waddie said so softly it was more powerful than yelling at
his dad. His voice was so resigned, beaten down and pain filled. Morgan
had tears in his eyes as he left Waddie's room. He went to the phone
and called Buck.
"Buck, this is
Morgan,— “
"Hey, Brother,
how's my little buddy?"
"After you
left,— without thinking first,— I said some things to Waddie that hurt
him really bad and he asked me to go home."
"I'll be right
there. I'll stay with him. You wait'll I get there." Buck was still
dressed. He explained to his parents where he'd be all night and asked
his dad to drive him to the hospital. He was there in fifteen minutes.
They talked for a few minutes. Morgan gave him a brief rundown about
his bad choice of words.
"Yeah, Buddy,— a
kid as bright as Waddie would pick up on something like that, real
quick. You know he's got to be emotionally raw from having a near death
experience."
"You don't
believe that 'near death experience' crap he's trying to manipulate me
with, do you?"
"Sure as Hell
do, Brother. I've been there, saw and talked with the same damn angel
your son did. I was dying and he touched me, healed me enough to
save my buddies and get them back to safety. You're boy ain't lying to
you, Morgan. I'd stake my life on that kid."
"Ask him why
he's really in here, Buck. He won't mislead you again. He did that to
save me embarrassment. I don't deserve that kid, Buck."
"There, there,
Buddy,— it can't be that bad."
"You may change
your mine. Go to him, he needs a buddy right now."
Morgan turned
and walked off with tears running down his face. Buck walked quietly
down the hall to Waddie's room and listened for a minute. He could hear
the sounds of someone sobbing his heart out trying to muffle the sound
with a pillow. He walked in and saw the beautiful little boy he fell in
love earlier in the day, laying prone, crying into his pillow like his
world was coming to an end. Buck sat down on the bed next to Waddie but
he didn't look up; he just kept crying into his pillow. Buck moved his
platinum blond hair out of his face, put his hand on his small back and
gently began to rub his back and pat him. Waddie stopped crying but
still didn't look up.
"Hey, cowboy,—
your old uncle's here to stay the night with you." Waddie popped up and
got up on his knees to throw both arms around Buck's big neck and
started crying again.
"Oh, Uncle Buck,
I'm so glad you're here! I needed another angel right now. I
asked God to send me one and you're here. He heard me again."
"Hey wait a
minute. I ain't no angel, Son. I'm just ole Uncle Buck."
"You love me
don't you?"
"With all my
heart, cowboy."
"Then you're an
angel, Uncle Buck. You're my angel." Buck held the small boy tight
until he calmed down.
'Something has
to be terribly wrong here,' thought Buck, 'If I had a son this
beautiful and bright he'd have so much love from me he'd have to sell
off the lower forty to manage it. It may be none of my business
but I have to help this kid or he's going to grow up and not be a good
person.'
"Waddie,— Son,—
Uncle Buck wants to know why you're in the hospital. Now,--- we're
buddies and we can tell each other anything and it won't go no further.
You feel like telling Uncle Buck?"
"No, Sir, Uncle
Buck. I can't." Waddie said shaking his head.
"Why, Son, are
you afraid of someone?"
"No, Sir. I just
love my dad a lot and what I'd tell you wouldn't be something you'd be
comfortable with. I'm just gonna' talk to the doctor tomorrow and ask
him for protection from my family and have him place me in a foster
home."
"Is it that bad,
Waddie?" Buck whispered close to Waddie's ear about to steal a kiss.
"Yes, Sir, but I
don't want you to think bad about my dad. He loves you and you love
him. I don't wanna' say nothing that might put you two at odds."
"You don't think
for a minute your Uncle Buck would let you go into a foster home, do
you? You'll come home with me before I'd ever let that happen. Waddie,
this may be uncomfortable for you to answer but I have to ask. Is your
dad forcing sex on you?"
"Oh, God, no,
Uncle Buck. Sometimes I wish't he would. At least I'd have some
expression of love from him." Buck grinned real big at his little buddy
and the seeming maturity of his answer.
"Everyone needs
someone they can tell the secrets of their soul to, Waddie. If you
believe I'm your angel shouldn't you trust me like one? Whatever you
tell me,— even if it's bad,— I won't take any action against someone
until you gave me approval. I'm here for you, Son. Tomorrow I'm gonna'
change my life around so's I can stay here and be with you. Perhaps it
ain’t right for a grown man to tell a small boy of five years, but I've
fallen in love with you, Waddie. Come to think about it, there ain’t
nothing wrong with telling your buddy you love him; don't matter about
your age none, neither. Buddies is buddies. Your dad asked me to be
your Godfather. Of course I agreed immediately 'cause Morgan's my
brother. We're closer than any two brothers. I'd do anything for your
dad, Waddie. When I walked in this room and took one look
at you, I was in love. I know same's you that God brought us together,—
for what purpose I can only guess but just to be your buddy's good
enough for me. After that, I told your dad it would be one of the most
wonderful things that could happen to me; to become your Godfather."
"Damn, Uncle
Buck. Nobody talks to me the way you do. You talk with me like I'm
somebody;— like you love me and are interested in me. You listen to me
and talk with me instead of talking at me. I want you to know how much
I appreciate it." Buck grabbed the boy in his big arms and hugged him
close.
"I promise you
another thing,— as your buddy,— I will never let you go to bed without
hearing me tell you I love you; unless, I'm in a situation that keeps
me from it. Even then, I'm gonna' show you a star in the sky that'll be
our star. All you have to do is look up at it and know wherever I am,
I'm looking at it, too, think’n about you and sending you my love. If
it's lovin' you need,— you come to the right man, Little Buddy. Half of
this body contains love and the other half bullshit. You wanna' know
how you can tell if your old Uncle Buck's a quart low on bullshit?"
"How, Uncle
Buck?"
"My eyes'll turn
blue." Buck laughed at his own joke.
"Ya' got an oil
leak?" Buck wasn't expecting that answer but Hell, it worked.
"Close enough,
cowboy. Now get comfortable and start at the beginning. I wanna' know
why you're in this, here, hospital and why you almost died." So, Waddie
told him. He left out nothing. When Waddie finished he told Buck why he
got so upset with Morgan's words. Waddie chose to come back to save
Morgan's life and the best he could feel was 'relieved.'
"Hell, Uncle
Buck, I thought that meant when you went to the bathroom." Buck smiled
at Waddie's joke but sat still for a while without saying anything.
Waddie knew he was digesting the information.
"Well, sweet
baby, if you want to know what I think, I don't think you're lying; not
for a minute. Nor do I think you lied to your dad. I think you were
telling him the truth and he didn't wanna’ believe you. I can't imagine
my brother beating a sweet little man like you. What can I do for you,
Waddie? If you could have me do anything for you what would it be?"
"You all ready
done it for me;— just believe me, Uncle Buck. That's all I ask. Believe
me when I tell you I ain't a bad boy or a liar. Nothing I've told you
tonight is a lie. I realize some of the crap I've told you about
Willie, Dorothy and Judy sounds crazy. Well,— they are crazy. They're
crazy people, Uncle Buck. I ain't asking you to do nothing about it.
I'm just asking you to believe in me. I ain't got nobody, Uncle Buck,—
nobody believes me."
The boy wasn't
telling him these things to cause a reaction. He was telling Buck these
things to preserve his sanity. He was fighting desperately not to
become one of them. As much as they connived, belittled, bullied, and
tried to emotionally castrate Waddie, he didn't want to be like them;
for that, he had to have someone who would say, "I believe you, Son."
Waddie talked
quietly to his new buddy for a couple of hours until he couldn't hold
his little head up. The big man was patient to a fault. He gently lay
Waddie back on the bed and brought the covers up to tuck him in. He
kissed him gently on the forehead.
"Sweet dreams,
Little Buckaroo. Nothing bad’s gonna' happen to you on Uncle Buck's
watch."
If they ever
made saints in giant economy/ industrial strength sizes Buck would
surely be one. Buck couldn't say too much 'cause he didn't want to
intrude on Morgan's handling his own household. Some of the stories
Waddie told Buck were so bizarre he wondered if, perhaps, Waddie
exaggerated the truth. In a way he hoped this was Waddie's way of
getting attention or sympathy, but in his gut Buck knew his little
buddy wouldn't lie. He'd only met the boy that day but Buck was a
pretty good judge of character. War will do that for a man. There
was so much that passed between them in a short period of time he was
exhausted. He had to trust the boy, he had Buck's soul neatly tucked
away in his back pocket. Only two people in his life ever grabbed
his heart and never let go, Morgan and now, Waddie. Buck's love for
Linda Sue grew gradually from teen romance to a full mature love.
Somehow this kid was part of Morgan and yet he had the nagging feeling
he was part of him, too; maybe, through his love for Morgan. The only
thing he knew for certain, he had to spend as much time with this
little boy as Morgan would allow. For some reason he didn't understand
he was driven to share the secrets of this young man's heart.
Linda Sue was
right. Waddie had so much untapped love in him it was hard to gage how
much. Buck was resolved to see if Morgan would open and talk about what
was going on. He certainly felt he had the right to ask his brother why
the Hell he was beating a five year old boy. He could still see the
bruises on Waddie's butt and legs. What most disturbed him was the hand
print that was still clearly visible on Waddie's face. ‘Why? It just
didn't make sense,’— was Buck's last thought before dropping off into a
deep sleep in the chair by Waddie's bed.
* * * * * * *
Buck didn't wake
up during the night. He didn't wake up 'til he smelled Linda Sue's
perfume and smelled breakfast and coffee. She called to say goodnight
at his house and his parents told her Buck was siting with Morgan's boy
all night. She made a basket of breakfast for him and a thermos of
coffee. Buck excused himself to go to the men's room to wash. He
cleaned up but on the way back he called Linda Sue's house. Mr.
Davenport answered.
"Dad,— this is
Buck. Do me a favor, call my parents and ask them to get down here to
the hospital. You and Mom Davenport get down here, too."
"I sure will,
Son, and we'll meet 'em there. Thanks Buck."
"Just thought my
family would like to be here..."
"Her mother,
especially. See you in a bit, Son."
Buck felt good
and returned to Waddie's room. Linda Sue was by his bed washing his
face with a damp wash cloth she found in the small restroom. They had
been talking.
"You awake,
cowboy?"
"Good morning,
Uncle Buck. They may let me go home today. I really dread seeing those
three awful people. Willie gets a sneer on his face; he looks like a
dog eat'n a pile of three day old cat shit."
"Waddie!" Buck
roared with laughter and nodded toward Linda Sue.
"Oh, I'm sorry,
Aunt Linda. I ain't accustom to being around a lady."
"What about your
ma, Waddie?" asked Linda Sue.
"Hell,— if she
says five words to me in a week, we've had a conversation." Linda
looked at Buck then looked down and just shook her head. The nurse
brought breakfast in for Waddie and he introduced her to his aunt and
uncle. She was a woman they went through school with and knew her well.
Buck finished the nice breakfast Linda Sue brought and gave her a peck.
"Is that all I'm
gonna' get?"
"S'gonna' be a
long day, Darlin.' Gotta' ration 'em to get through it. You don't want
your old fiance’ running out of kisses in the middle of the day, would
ju’?" Linda Sue laughed at his kidding.
"No,— sounds
like pretty good reasoning to me. I'll wait for the main course."
"Well,— it
should be along in a few minutes. He no sooner said that when their
parents walked into Waddie's room. Buck introduce them to Waddie.
Linda wanted to know why they came down.
"We'd heard so
much about this young man we wanted to see for ourselves and we decided
to invite Buck's mom and dad to breakfast. We wanted to stop by to see
the young feller." Mr. Davenport told his daughter. Mr. Claymore spoke
to Waddie,
"Son, you look
more like Buck than you do Morgan. In fact we've got pictures of Buck
when he was your age and I think we'd have a hard time telling the
difference." Buck had to close his mother's mouth for her. Buck looked
over at Waddie, caught his eye, winked then nodded.
"Oh, by the way,
Aunt Linda,— I have a gift for you someone left here last night and
said to be sure and give it to you today."
Waddie reached
under his pillow and brought out the slightly crumpled package. Linda
Sue knew what it was immediately. She smiled, took it from Waddie,
hugged and kissed him. She carefully opened the wrapping with both
mothers looking over her shoulder. Then she slowly opened the small
black ring case. There were three simultaneous 'oooohs.' Linda looked
at Buck and threw her arms around him.
"Well,— now,—
let me have it. Let's do this thing right." He took the ring from Linda
Sue and got down on one knee.
"My dearest,
Darling, your parents have given me their blessing to ask for your hand
in marriage. Linda Sue Davenport, would you consider making me the
proudest, most happy man in the world by becoming my wife." Buck wasn't
getting up 'til he heard the words.
"Of course I'll
marry you, Buck Claymore." Buck slipped the ring on her
finger. He stood and gave her a kiss that would've wiped out the
entire day's rations had there been any. The parents were clapping, the
women hugging and the men shaking hands. Buck went to Waddie and shook
his hand then couldn't resist pulling him up into his arms.
"I wanted my
buddy to be here when his Aunt Linda said 'yes.' You did a fine job of
presenting her present to her. Thanks buddy." Buck kissed Waddie behind
the ear and Waddie blushed. Everyone was laughing at him when the phone
rang. Buck picked it up.
"Hello. Oh, hi
Morgan! Yeah, he's right here,—.” Buck handed Waddie the phone.
"Hi, Dad. No,
Dad, come on down, I miss you. I know,— I love you, too. I'm not upset
no more. Uncle Buck just proposed to Aunt Linda and guess what? She
said 'yes'! Okay, Dad, see ya'" Waddie handed the phone back to
Buck.
"Proud of you,
Waddie. You did the right thing. Even daddies make mistakes, but he's
still your dad."
"I love my dad
but things sure would be easier if you were my dad, Uncle Buck."
"Oh, sweet baby.
Don't think that thought hasn't crossed my mine a hunnert' times last
night and this morning. If it gets too bad, Son, you can always come
find me. I'll never be far away, and I won't never turn you away.
You're always welcome in this old cowboy's arms."
"I appreciate
that Uncle Buck. Just knowing someone out there loves me and believes
in me helps a lot."
* * * * * * *
Morgan arrived
at the hospital about twenty minutes after he called Waddie. He hugged
Linda Sue shook Buck's hand to congratulate him.
"Well,— I'll
need a best man. I'd sure be honored and proud, Brother, if'n you could
see your way clear to stand up for me." Buck asked his friend. Morgan
was almost in tears.
"I'd be the one
honored, Brother. I'm so proud of you." Replied Morgan. They hugged
again.
"Waddie," Linda
Sue spoke, "since you did such a good job of holding my ring for your
uncle would you consider being our ring bearer?"
"Would I? That
would be wonderful Aunt Linda. Now can I call her Aunt Linda, Dad?"
Waddie said in a slightly sarcastic manner.
"Guess it's
official, Son. Don't see why not."
Buck was tired
and needed to get home and get a couple hours sleep. He hugged and
kissed Waddie goodbye and told him he'd see him soon. His Aunt Linda
hugged him and held him an extra long time. Waddie liked that. She
smelled wonderful. Even the older folks wished him well as they were
leaving. Morgan told Waddie he was going to walk them to the front door
and left.
* * * * * * *
It was late
afternoon and the hospital was releasing Waddie to go home as soon as
the doctor came to check him out one last time. Morgan brought him some
jeans, a western shirt and his boots. Waddie was all dressed waiting
for the doctor. He and Morgan didn't talk much. Morgan was pensive
wondering if Waddie would ask the doctor to place him in a foster home.
Waddie didn't say anything but he was awful quiet.
"Looking forward
to going home, Son." Waddie didn't answer right away.
"No, Sir."
Waddie saw his dad look like he felt bad from what he said, "Sorry,
Dad, I didn't want to lie to you." Morgan hung his head knowing Waddie
was probably going to ask for foster care. Morgan knew he could
probably get it if he wanted it.
The doctor
rushed in and began to check Waddie. He asked Morgan to step
outside the room for a minute. The doctor closed the door and returned
to Waddie and sat down next to him on the bed.
"Now, Son,— I
was the doctor who took care of you when you came in. I saw the
condition you were in and you were near death. In fact, it's a miracle
you didn't die. They managed to get some fluids into you on the way
that stabilized you a little bit and we took it from there. It was
still touch and go until late afternoon the next day. I don't
know what's going on in your home, but— I do care. I could've taken you
under my supervision until the county could find you a foster home. I
didn't want to do that until I had a chance to talk with you and see
how you felt about things. I haven't had this talk with you before now,
'cause I wanted you to be strong enough to tell me anything you wanted
to. No child should ever have to suffer what you did when you came in
here. I saw a handsome little boy who gave up on life. You didn't want
to live anymore. Do you know what suicide means, Son?"
"When somebody
kills themself?"
"That's right.
Well, I can't really say you tried to commit suicide. You had symptoms
of severe melancholy that would definitely cause a lack of interest in
food and water; however, something has to be terribly wrong in your
home to make you so unhappy you'd want to do something like that. Did
you feel like you could stop being in your closet and eat anytime if
you wanted to?
"After the
second day, I didn't care anymore. I didn't want to. I wanted to die."
"Why, Son?"
Waddie didn't feel comfortable talking about it but he couldn't lie to
the doctor.
"My dad stopped
loving me. I didn't wanna’ live no more without his love and trust.
He's the only one at home I do love." The doctor let out a deep sigh.
"I'll get back
to that in a minute, Son. Now, I'm going to ask you a couple of
questions and I want you to answer them truthfully. First of all do you
know what sexual molestation means?"
"I know what sex
means but I don't know nothing 'bout no mole infestations." The doctor
chuckled.
"Has anyone, man
or woman played with your penis or made you play with their private
parts?"
"No, Sir"
"Is anybody
being mean to you or threatening you?"
"Well,— my dad,—
he don't mean to be mean but he punishes me by whipping me. I have an
older step-brother, and step-sister. My brother, Willie, does things he
knows my dad will give him a whippin' for and tells my dad he saw me do
it. The worst thing is he gets his sister and his ma to lie for him and
tell my dad they saw me do it. Dad taught me never to lie and I don't.
Then he takes me to the barn and whips me hard until I have to admit to
him I done it. I tell him I didn't do it and he whips me anyway. Then
when I think I'm gonna' pass out from the whippin' I just have to give
in, lie to him, and tell him I done it. Dr. Dyer,— that hurts me
worse than the damn whipping. He always tells me how much more it
hurts him than it does me. The last time he whipped me I'd about
had it with him 'cause I been whipped so many times for something my
brother done, I lost count. I told him it was a Goddamn lie, it didn't
hurt him more'n it hurt me and was he gonna' let me whip his ass 'cause
he told me a lie?
He told me he
wasn't lying and I said , "Bullshit! Why should I believe you? You
never believe me when I tell you the truth, those son’s of bitches in
our house are all lying." Then I told him, "To Hell with you, Dad!" and
he hit me hard across the face. I didn't cry or nothing. I just looked
at him and told him I didn't love him no more. Then I went and got in
the back of my closet and didn't come out for a long time. I didn't
wanna’ eat or drink nothing. I didn't have any apatite. Dad just left
me alone thinking I'd get hungry enough I'd come around. It was a
dead end street for me, Doc. I decided I didn't wanna' live no more if
my dad wasn't gonna' trust me to tell the truth. I saw there was no
reasoning with him. It's their word against a five year old boy's. I
didn't want to live and I ain't real sure I want to now. It's gonna' be
the same damn thing all over again. Would you wanna' live like that,
Doctor?" The doctor look at Waddie and shook his head 'no.'
"My dad is the
only person in that house I love and he's slowly killing my love for
him. I don't think I wanna’ live no more if my dad don't love me and
trust me. If he gets on my case for talking to you,— so be it! I'm
telling you the truth. If the truth hurts him then it's not my fault."
Waddie started crying knowing he didn't want anything to happen to the
man he loved most in his life.
"Have you tried
talking to your mom?"
"Hell, Doctor,
she can't get her head out of Willie's butt long enough to listen to
me. Why would I want to talk to her if she's in cahoots with him?"
"Good point,
Waddie, I didn't think about that."
"Besides, I
learned on the way to the hospital she ain't my real mother anyway."
"Who told you,
Son?"
"An angel."
"An angel told
you?"
"Yes, Sir, an
angel came to me when I was dying and gave me a choice of going through
the light portal or coming back here. He told me if I didn't come back
my dad would be so hurt by me dying, he wouldn't be watching what he
was doing and be killed instantly while driving his truck. I came back
'cause I couldn't let that happen to him. Anyway, the angel told me
Judy weren't my real ma."
"Did he tell you
anything else, Waddie?"
"Yes, Sir, he
told me if I didn't come back I was gonna' miss having a good friend
and brother who was my age moving into the ranch next to ours even
while we was on our way to the hospital. He told me his name is George
Gipson Gentry Justin. He also told me some other things I can't tell
you 'cause he said not to tell nobody 'til the time is right. He told
me if I told you the name of your baby daughter who passed away four
years ago, you'd believe me."
"What name did
he tell you, Son?"
"Linda Gayle
Dyer, Sir." Waddie saw the doctor look visibly shaken and wiped a tear
away from his eye. The doctor excused himself for a minute. He walked
to the phone and dialed.
"Agnes, this is
Dr. Dyer in the Lovejoy boy's room. Call the sheriff for me and find
out if anyone moved into that old ranch that's been for sale next to
Morgan Lovejoy's. If so, when they moved in. Then find out if they have
children and their names for me. Also Agnes what their last name is.
I'll be here in the room with the boy. Call to his dad and tell him to
get a cup of coffee, we'll be a minute. I need that info ASAP and
Agnes, thanks, I owe you one." Waddie smiled when the doctor sat back
down.
"You're smiling
like you know I'm gonna' find out you're telling me the truth."
"I'm sorry,
Doctor." The doctor put his arm around the boy and pulled him tight.
"Son, my baby
daughter died shortly after birth. My wife and I buried her in an
unmarked grave next to our plots in the cemetery. All the papers for
burial show the name only as "Baby Dyer." We were so distraught after
losing her we realized we didn't even name her," big tears were coming
down the doctors face and Waddie put his arm around him in comfort. He
pulled him closer to him. "she had to have a name but it wasn't after
she was buried my wife and I gave her that name. We swore we'd never
tell a soul. It would be known only to her, us and God. We've never
told a soul. I have to believe you, Son, but for my own peace of mind I
wanted to check out this other thing, too."
"I don't blame
you, Dr. Dyer. I know it sounds crazy but it happened. He was the same
angel who came to my Uncle Buck when he was on Ima Jammina."
"You mean Iwo
Jima?"
"Yes, Sir,
that’s it!"
"Close enough,
Son. Did you tell your uncle? He's Buck Claymore, right?"
"Yes, Sir, I
did. I told him the angel's name and he said I was right."
"What was the
angels name, Son?"
"He didn't tell
me if I could tell folks other than my uncle his,— "
"You all right,
Son?" The doctor looked at Waddie staring off into the distance.
"Uuh, yeah,
Doctor. He just told me it was all right to tell you. His name is
Urial."
"He just appear
to you, Waddie.?"
"Yes, Sir. Liked
to scared the crap out of me, too. He was just standing there
holding the hand of a beautiful little girl he told me was your
daughter. She's awful pretty, Doctor Dyer." The doctor could feel
the boy shaking. The doctor was silent for a long moment taking
in the boy's revelation.
"If an angel
appeared to me, Son, I'm afraid it would scare a lot more out of me
than that." The phone rang and the doctor answered.
"Yes, Agnes.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Only the one? Un-huh. Well, I'll be... Really
appreciate it, Agnes. Thanks." Waddie was smiling again as the doctor
came and sat down beside him.
"I don't blame
you for looking smug, Waddie. You deserve that. There is, indeed, a
family who moved in there the very day you were brought to the hospital
and they have only one child named George Gipson Gentry Justin. Your
angel was right, Son. I believe everything you told me. Now, what are
we going to do about it? Do you feel safe going with your dad?"
"Yes, Sir, but I
know I'm gonna' get whipped again soon's Willie sets me up. I've
learned to survive Morgan's whippings 'cause the angel's been with me
and will be if he whips me again. But, Doctor, it's the humiliation I
have to go through having my big brother sneer at me like he's so
Goddamn smart he can get me whipped anytime he wants just by lying to
my dad and the other two go along with him."
"Is he Willie
Devers?"
"Yes, Sir, you
know him?"
"Yes, Son, I do.
Tell you what, I've made some notes, let me look into to this. How do
you feel about going home with your dad today?"
"What choice
have I got? He's my dad, Doctor?"
"What about your
uncle? Could you stay with him for a while? Hell, Son, you can come
home with me, if you want to. It's just me and my wife and I know she'd
love to have you stay with us. We got a spare room you can have. Matter
of fact, I'd be pleased to have you stay with us."
"I thought about
asking my uncle but I just met him yesterday. I appreciate you thinking
well enough of me to offer me a place to stay but I guess my place,— my
home, right now, is with my dad. The angel told me he's gonna' need me
and I gotta' be there for him. I'll guess I'll just go on back with
him."
"All right, if
you're sure. Remember, you can always change your mind. I'm gonna'
check on you every couple of days and see how you're doing. I don't
want to talk to your dad, ma, brother or sister when I call or come by.
I want to talk to you, understand, Son?" He winked at Waddie.
"I understand,
Doctor." Waddie threw his arms around the doctor's neck hugged and
kissed him on the cheek, "I love you for caring, Doctor, and believing
me. Now I got two people who believe me and before yesterday I didn't
have nobody. I promise, Doctor, I'll never tell you a lie."
"I believe you,
Son. Just wish't to Hell you were my boy. That ain't no lie, neither."
The doctor said as he hugged and kissed Waddie back. "Now, you stay in
here for a while. Read, or take a nap and we'll be back to get you
soon's I'm through talking with your dad. You're a good boy, Waddie. If
you ever need a friend in a pinch, put this card in your pocket. It's
got my home phone number and my office number. If I'm not in, leave
your name and the phone number you're at with my wife and I'll get back
to you, quick as I can, Son. Sounds to me like you need several folks
to believe in you."
"Thanks, Dr.
Dyer, for everything and, Doctor,— I'm so sorry about your little girl.
Mr. Urial told me to tell you she's happy, healthy and living with God.
He loves her a lot, Dr. Dyer."
"Thank you,
Waddie. I needed to hear that and I believe you, Son." The doctor
hugged Waddie one more time.
* * * * *
* *
Dr. Dyer wiped
the tears away with his handkerchief as he walked down the hall to the
front desk.
"Agnes,— you
seen Mr. Lovejoy?"
"Cafeteria,
Doctor,— "
"Thanks." He
didn't know what he was going to say to the man. How could he let
something like this happen to such a loveable little boy. All the damn
kid's asking for is his dad to love and trust him. If I was told
several times a month I was no damn good and a liar I'd probably start
to believe it. I won't let that happen to this boy. The doctor walked
into the cafeteria, grabbed himself a cup of coffee and headed to
Morgan's table. He sat his coffee down and offered to get Morgan
another cup. Morgan thanked him but refused. Dr. Dyer sat there for a
minute, took a sip of his coffee, then looked into Morgan's eyes to see
if they would tell him anything about the man. He got a chill up his
back when he felt he was a peeping tom, looking through a window to the
man's soul. What he saw shook him. He knew instantly Morgan was not a
bad man, but he had legions of built up hurt, disappointments, and loss
he'd never dealt with. They were all still there in a miasma of
conflicting feelings and loyalties. He saw Morgan needed help. Not deep
correctional therapy but someone to care for him enough for him to lean
on until he could organize and deal with the emotional junk yard that
was his brain. He wasn't violent; although, he could be if pushed, but
at the moment he was fairly stable.
"What did my son
tell you, Doctor?"
"He told me you
taught him to always tell the truth. He loves you very much, Mr.
Lovejoy, but he told me the truth because you taught him to tell the
truth." The doctor watched Morgan's eyes moving swiftly like a wild
animal looking for the easiest escape route. "I don't feel we
have to hash it out here and now, today. You've had enough to deal with
from your own conscience and self doubts. Let's just say, I know the
truth. I would urge you to listen to your son, Mr. Lovejoy, and learn
to trust him. I've only known him a short time but I would trust your
boy with my most treasured secret and did just a few minutes ago. I
don't think you really appreciate the treasure you have in that boy. If
you did, he would've never come in here in the condition he was in a
week ago. I seriously considered contacting the sheriff's department
and filing criminal charges against you. Something told me not to, Mr.
Lovejoy," the doctor looked right into Morgan's eyes and leaned forward
like what he was about to say was of utmost importance, "don't make me
regret not filing those charges. Do I make myself clear, Sir?"
"Yes, Sir, Dr.
Dyer, I understand. I deserved that. I love my son with all my heart
but he constantly defies me."
"How, the fuck,
is he defying you if he's telling you the truth? Hell, Mr. Lovejoy, you
drilled it into the kid, and taught him to tell the truth,— then, when
he does, you punish him. I'd defy your ass, too. Hell, I'd pick up a
Goddamn two by four, apply it therapeutically to the base of your skull
to get your attention long enough to tell you I was, indeed, telling
the truth and them other son’s of bitches were lying. Did it ever occur
to you that his ma and her two kids are lying? You punish the boy when
he didn't do it and they're driving a big, big wedge between the two of
you. If you're tired of caring for that boy, I'll take him off
your hands in a minute.
So,— here's the
deal, Mr. Lovejoy. Waddie isn't real happy about going back to your
place but he's going because he loves you and he's convinced you need
him. God! What I wouldn't give to have a kid like him feel that way
about me. Anyway, I'm gonna' be checking on Waddie regularly. I'll
either phone or call and drop by, but I expect to talk to him
personally. If you agree to those terms I'll release him to you this
afternoon.
"Certainly,
Doctor. You're welcome to come by or phone to talk with him anytime."
"If I were you,
Mr. Lovejoy, I'd seriously consider having Waddie stay with a relative
or close friend until he's comfortable returning to your place on his
own. Today, he has no choice but to go with you. I'd much prefer
he had more time to think about it and make that decision for himself;
but, that's up to you. I won't lie to you either, Mr. Lovejoy, I
offered to have him stay with me and my wife for a while. You seem to
have a lot of things you haven't dealt with in your life. Don't make
that boy a victim of your personal disappointments. Come on then, I'll
sign him out and you can take him home."
"Thank you,
Doctor."
"No, Mr.
Lovejoy, thank your son. I know I did. I don't know all that's happened
out there at your place, but I know one damn thing,— that boy didn't
deserve to find himself with no way out but to kill himself."
* * * * *
* *
Morgan followed
the doctor down the hall to Waddie's room. The doctor told Waddie
goodbye again and he'd hear from him soon. He shook Waddie's hand
wanting desperately to hug the kid one last time. He didn't fool Waddie
for a minute. Waddie threw his little arms around his neck for a big
hug. Dr. Dyer didn't hold back and wished him happiness. Waddie
followed Morgan to his pickup and climbed in. He didn't say anything to
his dad. Morgan pulled out and onto the farm road back to the ranch. It
was about eleven miles from town. Morgan was hoping Waddie would say
something, anything. He didn't. He began to get a look of extreme dread
on his little face like he was getting closer and closer to something
he really didn't want to face. At one point Waddie looked
like he was being driven to his execution. Morgan watched him out
of the corner of his eye and saw beads of sweat on the boy's forehead
and arms. It was a cool autumn day. The closer they got to the ranch
the further down in his seat Waddie sank until he couldn't see out the
front window. Morgan thought he wanted to postpone seeing the house as
long as possible.
'He's scared to
death but won't say anything.' Morgan thought to himself.
"You all right,
Son?"
"Yeah, Dad.
I'll,— I'll be all right when I get home."
"Like Hell you
will,— !" Morgan slowed the truck and made a 'u' turn and headed back
to town.
"What're you
doing, Dad? You're scaring me." Tears of fear began to run down
Waddie's face.
"I'm sorry,
sweet baby. Daddy didn't mean to scare you. Come over here,— let daddy
put his arm around you." Waddie moved over beside his dad and sat
upright in the seat. Morgan put his arm around his boy and pulled him
close. "I just watched your reaction as we got closer to our place and
I saw the stress building in your little body. I don't want you to come
home and be scared to death, Waddie. Don't be frightened, Daddy just
made up his mind about something. I'm taking you back to town to
stay a while with your buddy, Uncle Buck and his parents,— until you're
ready to come home on your own. I want you to make that decision on
your own when you feel comfortable. I do love you very much, Waddie,
and I wanna' try'n prove it to you by being better to you. It may take
me a while, I may make mistakes, but I swear to you I will never again
let happen what you went through last week.
I almost lost
the dearest thing in the world to me and I've been so caught up in
other things I haven't told you enough how much I do love you.
You're the only thing I have in my life that means a damn to me. You
were right to ask me to leave last night. I got to thinking about what
I said and felt terrible. I pulled off the road and cried. I had to let
it out. I realized how I would feel if someone said something like that
to me, especially someone I loved. I was over joyed, Waddie, God and
you gave me another chance. Last night I pledged myself to be a better
dad to you and take care of the mess we have at home. Taking you to
stay with Buck for a while is a start, Son. I'm trying to think about
your needs and not what I want.
Now,— I have to
tell you something about your Uncle Buck you need to know. When he's
home in his area of his parents house he don't never wear no
clothes. He has the whole upstairs to himself. That's his
house rule. I even have to take my clothes off if I'm gonna' be with
him up there for a while. Don't feel like you have to be shy around
him. If you want to walk up to him and put your hand on anything just
ask him he'll let you. He'll let you touch him. He'll let you feel it.
I don't want you feeling shy or embarrassed with your body or seeing
anyone else's body. You might as well know when I come to visit you'll
probably see daddy without his clothes on, 'cause them’s Buck's rules.
Now,— there's an unwritten rule among men. What you touch on me, gives
me the right to touch that on you. Buck is a gentleman and won't make
you feel uncomfortable. He may even invite you to explore around on him
if it makes you more comfortable. You don't never have to feel
embarrassed if you want to feel Buck's big dick, but just ask him first
and be gentle. I promise you one damn thing, that big man will never
hurt you. You're safer in his arms than anywhere else on this planet. I
all ready talked to him this morning and he offered to keep you for as
long as it takes."
"Thanks, Dad. I
feel a lot more comfortable doing this than going home right now."
"I don't blame
you, Son. I love you, Waddie."
"I love you,
too, Dad." Waddie reached up and kissed his dad.
Morgan pulled
his truck up in front of the big house and Buck must have been waiting.
He came bounding down the front steps squatted on his haunches and
opened his arms to his buddy. Waddie's little legs couldn't carry him
fast enough to the big cowboy's arms. Buck enfolded him in an embrace.
Waddie never had a feeling like that toward anyone. He was in his
angel's arms. He was happy. All fear and anguish seemed to melt away.
For the first time in a long while his heart was at peace. Later that
evening after his Uncle Buck showed him around the place and made him
feel comfortable. He showered with his uncle and now was laying up
against his nude body with Buck's huge arms around him locking him in
tight, like he was afraid his little nephew would get away. Waddie had
no immediate plans to go anywhere. What? And leave the comfort and
security of these huge arms? I don't think so. He never felt more
wonderful, more alive, more welcome or more loved in his life.
'I'm not really
so sure I didn't die,' he thought, 'if this ain't heaven it sure as
Hell should be.'