I am a British guy, Emma is a British girl, so we write in British English. We even change stories to use British sexual vocabulary because we find it more 'real' and exciting. U.S. readers might find the following helpful in understanding our stories:
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Arse: |
a bottom. In the UK an ass is a beast of burden, a donkey. We use the British spelling 'arse', as in "I've just noticed that your wife has a very tasty arse". |
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Baps: |
breasts - especially nice, large ones; - "Get your baps out love and give us a soapy tit-wank." |
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Beef Curtains: |
flaps (q.v.) - "Her bikini was so tight I could see the outline of her beef curtains." |
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Bell-end: |
the glans penis - "I was delighted to wake up to find her polishing my bell-end with her tongue." |
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Bird: |
woman - "Does you bird take it up the shitter?" |
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Bollocks: |
testicles, - "I love feeling your bollocks slap against my cunt when you pack my fudge." |
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Bonk: |
shag - "Sorry I'm a bit bleary-eyed, we spent most of last night bonking." |
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Bristols: |
breasts (rhyming slang, 'Bristol Cities' - titties) - "Fuck! Your daughter has the most enormous bristols I've ever seen!" |
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Bugger: |
to anally-fuck someone, - "I'd give my life-savings to bugger Kylie." |
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Bum: |
a bottom, the buttocks (i.e. not a homeless person) - "Mmmmm. I love it up the bum." |
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Chebs: |
teats, - "Is it me or has Britney Spears had her chebs enlarged?" |
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Chublies: |
a fat lass's chebs, - "That Kate Winslet may be a porker but she's got a great pair of chublies." |
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Chuff: |
a girl's backside or back-passage, - "I bet she loves it up the chuff" |
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Dick |
to penetrate/fuck, - "I admit she's a bit of a porker, but I'd still dick her." |
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Duff: |
chuff, - "She wouldn't let me near her fanny, so I gave her a length up the duff." |
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Fag: |
a cigarette - "I'm gasping for a fag; have you got one?" |
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Fanny: |
a vulva or vagina (i.e. not the backside as in US), as in "I bet that Minnie Driver's got a really hairy fanny." |
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Fanny-batter: |
a woman's cunt-cooze - "I lubed my cock with her fanny batter before I stuffed it up her shitter." |
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Fanny-fart: |
queef; pumping air into a very wet cunt when you fuck her so that her cunt 'farts' with each thrust, - "She was so wet when I fucked her that they could hear her fanny farts all down our street." |
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Flaps: |
the labia, the cuntlips - sometimes 'pissflaps' - "I love the way her flaps get swollen and pink when she's horny" |
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Fudge-pack: |
buggery, to fuck the rectum (implies a messy anal fuck) - "Sarah liked all kinds of sex, but most of all she loved to feel huge black cocks packing her fudge." |
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Fudge-tunnel: |
the rectum - "When I felt my bell-end nudge a firm turd up her arse, I realised why this part of her anatomy was called her 'fudge tunnel'!" |
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Fudger: |
see fudge-tunnel - "After dicking her puss for a few minutes, I decided she was probably horny enough to take me up her fudger." |
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Jazz-mag: |
a pornographic magazine, as in "Imagine my surprise when I opened my favourite jazz-mag to see photographs of my sister being buggered in the 'Readers' wives section'!" |
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Knockers: |
breasts - "I love tits of all shapes and sizes, but you can't beat a really massive pair of knockers." |
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Lad: |
a young man - "Joanna shivered with desire as she stroked her aroused cunt. She had never realised what a well-hung lad her 16 year old son was before." |
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Lass: |
a young woman - "It was when she begged me to suck my own cum from her freshly buggered arse that I realised quite what a dirty lass she was. |
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Muff: |
a hairy fanny - "It took me a few minutes to locate her cuntlips with my tongue her muff was that thick." |
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Norks: |
breasts - "Forget 'Rear of the Year', I'd say Charlotte Church's norks are probably her tastiest asset." |
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Scunners: |
breasts - "No-one was saying Sharon was a slapper, but Mike was the fifth bloke to fuck her between the scunners that evening." |
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Shag: |
sexual intercourse - "Annabel was sick and tired of masturbation. She needed a real shag." |
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Slag: |
a loose woman, a slut - "Rachel would have sucked Paul's dick right there and then, but she didn't want all the other wedding guests to think she was a slag." |
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Slapper: |
slag - "Tammy pushed Rachel out of the way and greedily sucked Paul's cock. She didn't care: the rest of the wedding guests knew she was a slapper already." |
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Spadge: |
semen, spoodge - "Fran clenched her arsehole tightly, desperately trying to hold her boyfriend's massive load of spadge inside her rectum until she reached the toilet." |
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Up the duff: |
pregnant - "Her arse was one thing, but there was no way she was going to let her brother get her up the duff by fucking her pussy." |
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Vadge: |
pussy - "She was so turned on her vadge was wetter than an otter's pocket." |
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Wazz: |
piss - "I couldn't believe my luck when Tamara asked me to wazz over her jugs." |
To get further into the filthy British mind then take a look at this: http://www.viz.co.uk/profanisaurus/profanis.htm