Afterwards Eric looked at me seriously and said, "I've never felt so good with someone as I do with you, Lana. I suppose the reason is that you have such a healthy attitude toward your sexuality and your body. Over the years you must have had a lot of good fun!"
"Well, yes and no," I answered. "I certainly had some good times, but there were some rough times as well."
"You mean sexual problems?" Eric asked with some surprise.
"I mean I hated my body and didn't want to have anything to do with men!"
"Knowing you now, and hearing how you were in high school, that's very hard to believe, Lana!"
"I know it is, and I sometimes wonder how I ever got into such a state, but here's how it happened. It was in my last year of high school. By then I'd reached my adult size, to be specific, 42-24-35."
"Jesus Christ!" Eric gasped. "Those are your measurements?"
"They were then," I answered, "but they're not much different now."
"Well, I guessed they must be something like that, but it's still impressive to hear them."
"Thanks, Eric," I said pleasantly. "I was impressed too, back then. My body had developed in a way that I could have never anticipated back when the growth of my breasts had first started. They had filled out considerably in the last two years, and now covered most of my chest down to the inside of my elbows. Standing normally, the cleavage between my six inch wide breasts revealed, at its widest, only a two inch triangle of my upper stomach. My areolas had become brown swellings three and a half inches across, and faced forward and slightly outward on the lower, rounded part of my breasts. My nipples, when erect, were the size of the last joint of my little finger, but now pointed out almost horizontally, rather than upward. In fact, my left nipple pointed slightly down.
"Although my breasts hung lower now, they had thickened. Standing normally, they were four inches thick, at their thickest, against my lower rib cage. Of course they flattened out somewhat when I leaned back. And leaning forward caused them to round out as they hung away from my chest. Some of this filling out was the result of putting on a few pounds, but I wasn't really overweight.
"I remember one day very distinctly. I had come home from shopping with my folks, and was going to try on some new clothes. I unbuttoned my blouse in front of the mirror, and looked at my boobs trussed up in my wide bra. Unfastening it between the cups, I let my breasts slide down against my chest. They landed with a jerk that was slightly uncomfortable, but also stimulating. I stared at them, and felt like my nipples were staring back at me. 'My goddamn tits are as big as my head,' I thought with wonderment. In fact, they were somewhat larger than my head! There were three faces staring out of the mirror at me! One had two eyes, and the other two each had one eye! It was very very weird. I thought to myself, 'What's more me? My face or my boobs?' To judge from where everyone looked when they talked to me, the answer was clear! Sometimes I really felt like an appendage to a pair of boobs!
"I don't want to give you the wrong idea though. These were peculiar thoughts that occurred to me from time to time. Mostly I found my body fascinating, and a source of great enjoyment. I had already had a very satisfying sex life!
"In January several things happened to change all this. Despite my increased bust, I still went braless whenever I thought I could get away with it. One day I came home braless and went on into the house, since it was Mom's shopping day. Well, she had come home early, and when she saw my boobs jiggling and swinging, she hit the ceiling.
"'Lana! Where's your bra?' she asked in shock. I wasn't prepared for this, but I mumbled that it was warm that day and that my bra didn't fit well anyway.
"She didn't buy any of it. 'It's indecent Lana! What will people think?'
"'Oh Mom,' I said, 'all the girls do it. It's OK.'
"She changed her tack. 'It may be OK for small girls but you're too big. It's disgusting. Don't you know that big-chested women need support? If you don't wear a bra, you'll have the bosom of an old woman by the time you're 25!'
"'Oh, Mom!' I protested.
"She began to unbutton her blouse. 'I'll show you where you're headed,' she said with determination.
"Mom has pretty big boobs -- not like mine though -- and she was 47 years old at the time, so when she unclasped her bra her boobs plopped out. I'd never seen my Mom naked, and I was shocked. Her breasts hung like two deflated balloons. They were almost flat, and her nipples pointed almost straight down.
"'Take a look,' she said. 'Nursing three children is partly to blame, but I've always worn a bra. And I'm almost fifty! If you want breasts like this by the time your 25, then you just keep going braless. You may think it's fun now, but the boys aren't going to find the chest of an old lady very attractive!'
"Needless to say, after that I was more careful about going braless! But she got me thinking. I really couldn't deny anything she said. Over that past five years I'd watched my breasts hang lower as they grew. I figured this was mostly due to their increasing size, but I was also very conscious of their weight. They felt like they were stretching out. Was Mom right? Was I permanently ruining my appearance?
"I was still pondering these things when, a couple weeks later, another incident happened. I was putting away some clean clothes in my brother Bo's bedroom, and I heard voices through the open window. Curious, I peaked out and saw my youngest brother Tommy and his friend Walt. They were 10 at that time. They had some sort of dirty book that they were reading; they were giggling over the 'good parts'. I thought this was amusing, so I eavesdropped. (They talked quietly, but they were right under the window.)
"'Do you know girls have a kind of cock?' Tommy was offering.
"Walt looked at him suspiciously, and said sarcastically, 'You're full of shit! Girls have cunts!'
"Tommy went on: 'I know that! It's not a real cock... It's a thing in their cunt. It's like a little cock. They play with it!'
"'Oh yeh?' Walt said, still doubting. 'Does it get hard?'
"'I don't know,' Tommy said sadly.
"Now Walt got more interested. 'You know their nipples get hard when they get excited?'
"'Yeh, I know!' Tommy answered. 'Their nipples are really big too, if their tits are big.'
"'Yeh! Your sister has huge tits!'
"I had been listening for amusement, but now I got more interested.
"'Yeh, she's got a pair of melons, doesn't she!' Tommy giggled.
"'I sure would love to see her tits! They must be great!' Walt said enthusiastically.
"Tommy leaned closer and whispered, 'I've seen 'em.'
"Now I really got interested! I sat below the window with my ear right by the ledge.
"'No shit!?' Walt was saying. 'How did you do that?'
"'I climb into that tree over there, and watch her through her bedroom window. I use my binoculars too!'
"I was flabbergasted. I'd never realized I was putting on a show for little Tommy!
"'Well? Well?' Walt asked eagerly. 'What are they like?'
"'They're big!' Tommy said with awe.
"'No shit! I can see that myself, dickhead!' Walt was being sarcastic. 'Tell me something I don't know!'
"'OK, OK!' Well those red things around her nipples are huge! They're like bull's eyes!'
"'How big?' Walt asked, breathless.
"'Oh, like this,' Tommy said, holding up his hand with outstretched fingers. He was exaggerating somewhat!
"'Well, what else?' Walt prodded.
"'She really likes to play with herself!' Tommy whispered.
"'No!' Walt exclaimed.
"'Yeh, she does,' Tommy assured him, and they giggled together.
"'That little bastard!' I thought. I never dreamed he was watching me in my private play time!
"'What does she do?' Walt asked with excitement.
"'Oh, all sorts of things! She spends a lot of time looking at herself in the mirror. And she squeezes them a lot, and plays with her nipples.'
"'Shit I bet she does!' said Walt. 'What else?'
"'Well she likes to hang them.'
"'Hang them? What do you mean hang them?'
"'Hang them!' Tommy insisted. 'You don't think they just stick out there do you? They hang like melons in bags.'
"'Really?' Walt asked. I recalled that they had never seen me braless. 'How far?' Walt pressed.
"'Way, way down!' Tommy exaggerated again. 'They're down by her waist! She sometimes lifts them up in her hands. It's like she's got two footballs. She jiggles them like water balloons. Then she drops them and they swing!'
"'No shitting? Swing?' Walt giggled.
"'Yeh, no shit! And that ain't 'nothin! When she bends over they hang off her like two sacks!'
"'God damn! They really hang like that?' Walt gasped.
"'Yeh!' Tommy assured him. 'It's like you put melons in bags. They're round at the end, but all stretched out from her chest. And she likes to swing them!'
"'I guess it feels good, huh.'
"'Oh yeh, it must. She bends over, and swings them, back and forth, back and forth! She drags her nipples too!'
"'Really? How does she do that?'
"'She just bends over. I mean, you've got to see those things! They hang down like this.' Tommy bent over and indicated boobs a foot or more below his chest.
"'Like a fucking cow!' Walt exclaimed. This stung me a bit.
"'Yeh, that's it!' Tommy responded. 'I've even seen her trying to milk them!' They laughed together. I was less appreciative of the humor, but listened on.
"'I guess it's their weight makes them hang like that,' Walt hypothesized.
"'Yeh, must be' Tommy responded. 'I think they stretch.'
"'I bet they'll keep stretching,' Walt said eagerly. 'You know, I saw my grandma's tits. I peaked when she was getting dressed. They were like old flaps of leather! All wrinkled and stretched, flat like there was nothing inside!'
"'Gross! Ehhh!' they chimed in together. This was getting hard to listen to, but I stuck it out.
"'Well Lanie's already hang way down,' Tommy said.
"'Yeh! And she's not even out of high school! In a few years they'll be down to her knees!'
"'By the time she's my Mom's age they'll be dragging on the floor!'
"'She'll trip over them!'
"'She'll have to push them around in a shopping cart!'
"'Or hang them over her shoulders!'
"'Ha ha ha ha!' they laughed loudly together.
"I was devastated. Holding back the tears, I ran back to my bedroom, slammed the door, and balled for hours."
"Oh, Lana, You must have felt terrible!" Eric said sympathetically. "Kids can be so cruel!"
"Thanks, Eric. I knew even then that ten year old boys are assholes. It probably wouldn't have bothered me so much, but I was still thinking about what my mom had said. But the worst part was that there was truth in what the boys had said.
"When I stopped crying I pulled off my T shirt. I looked at my breasts in a whole new way. They were monstrous. They were way beyond what they needed to be. Ugly stretch marks were already appearing on their tops; if they got worse I would be afraid to wear low-cut blouses. I looked at my profile. I could see the six inch long crease where my boob lay against my chest. It looked like my breast had grown beyond its proper size -- where it was attached to my chest -- and like a giant tumor was overflowing down my front. The gap underneath was six inches high. I could hide my whole hand under it. There was less of my tit attached to my chest than hanging against it. Realizing this heightened my sense of alienation from my breasts. I leaned over quickly, and watched my breasts swing like two pendulums. 'They're right,' I thought. 'These aren't breasts. They're udders. I'm as much a freak as somebody with an extra finger, or an extra arm! I've got much more than normal human beings have. No wonder the guys like to be around me. I'm a walking, breathing, free freak show! And the worst part is that it's only going to get worse! I'm going to get less attractive and more freakish!' In anger I beat my breasts, and tried to push them back into my chest. In frustration I cried again.
"My life changed after that. No more braless frolic for Lana! I figured that the more my breasts were completely supported, the longer the inevitable sag would be postponed. I even started wearing my bra to bed, but had to give that up. First, it made sleeping on my stomach -- always awkward -- a complete impossibility. Second, by holding my tits high on my chest, it almost suffocated me with their weight. Even so, I worried about how much those eight unsupported hours a day were ruining me!
"My relations with boys changed after that too. Needless to say, they still found me attractive, but I imagined that all they liked about me was my tits. And I was afraid that if a guy ever saw me naked, he would be grossed out by them. So whenever I got close to a guy, and it seemed like we were getting to the point where we would play around, I pulled back, and eventually broke off the relationship."
I sat quiet for a while, lost in memories of that terrible time. Eric said nothing, but held me tight.
Comments on The Menagerie are welcome!
Last revised May 13, 2002