JOANNA, chapter three

WEDNESDAY

The twins decided to come down early for breakfast. “We saw you on the telly.” “And those men had to take your clothes off.”

“That’s enough teasing,” said Mum firmly. She looked tired.

“Didn’t sleep?” I asked.

“Not much,” she admitted. “But granny and I were talking a long time before I came home.”

“Did you get anywhere?”

“Maybe. Your granny had a few ideas. The trouble is, nobody’s going to listen to me now. Your little stunt discredited me.”

“You mean who wants someone on the Program Committee whose own daughter is too scared to go through the Program?”

“Yeah. And I know that’s not why you did this. But nobody else will believe either of us.”

I grinned. “Wait and see, Mum.”

“What have you got planned now?”

“You really don’t want to know.”

“Be careful.”

I got up to go, then turned and said, “And if I can’t be careful, I’ll be good.” I shut the door quickly before she could reply.

There were a few TV crews outside school this time. “Hi, Joanna. Have you anything to say to us?”

“After all those lies you’ve been spreading about me?” I asked.

This time I undressed myself, putting my clothes in my school bag. When the other proggies arrived, they followed my example.

“So the protest is over?” a reporter asked.

“No,” I said. “I’m just proving a point.”

Edward look unsure, so I gave him a discreet nod.

“I’ve got a Reasonable Request,” he said. “I want to fuck you.”

I pulled out the sheet I’d secretly put in my bag earlier and spread it on the ground.

I lay down and he got between my legs and began licking and fingering me. After a few minutes I’d almost forgotten the cameras and gasped, “That’s enough.”

He positioned himself over me, and, completely ignoring the cameras, asked, “Are you sure you want to do this?”

He took my smile as a “yes” and I held myself open for him. He pushed a tiny way into me, then stopped.

“Go on,” I urged, then “Yow!” as he did what I’d said.

He waited until I said I was ready, then began moving in and out of me. I swear he was going deeper each time. He came quite quickly.

“Sorry,” he said, seeing that I hadn’t had an orgasm.

He pulled out and I yelled out, “Any more Reasonable Requests?”

I let two more guys fuck me and a girl sit on my face as I licked her out, before I decided I’d made my point and got up.

I held up the sheet, now marked with my blood. I walked to the First News Channel crew and said, “You can give this to that idiot spokesman that said I was just scared of the Program.”

Their reporter took it silently.

“Now we’ve got that crap out of the way, you’ll have to understand that some in the government are trying to use this story to discredit my mother and force through their own changes to the Program.”

This was obviously news to them. “What do you mean?” asked someone.

“The Program has been accepted because it helps us come to terms with our sexuality. But there are those in government who want to twist it and use it as a punishment for almost any kid who gets out of line. My mother has stood against that, from the time the Program started here. But they were willing to wreck this protest to discredit her for their own political ends. Now I’ve had to lose my virginity just to prove them liars, I hope the media will concentrate on what we are saying.”

“Which is?”

“Nobody should have her future wrecked because the Program rules are too inflexible. At the moment if your daughter was raped today and called into the Program next Monday, her only way out would be to get a psychiatric exemption. That would mean losing any chance at university or a good career. Do any of you think that’s fair or right?”

Nobody answered.

“I’ll take that as you agreeing with me. Perhaps your stations can cover this protest with a bit of balance today then.”

And I walked off, ignoring their questions, leaving Nick to explain that the protest was still on, until the rules were changed.

I almost ran into the showers and stood under them, letting the water hide my tears.

Nobody even attempted a Request the whole morning, then at lunchtime, Miss Robinson made an announcement.

“The National Program Committee has suspended the Program for one week. It will restart next Tuesday morning.”

“Does that mean we’ve won?” Edward asked me.

“I’m not sure. I think so.” Then I burst into tears.

He was at my side in a few seconds, holding me. “What’s wrong?”

How could I answer him without hurting him?

“Is it about this morning?”

Too close.

“You wish we hadn’t done it?”

I couldn’t deny it and I felt his arm fall away.

“It’s not that, I just wish… I always wanted it to be special.”

“And it wasn’t,” he said heavily.

“Hey girl,” said Destiny. “You just became the first proggie ever to lose your fucking virginity live on every bloody news channel. How much more special did you want it?”

Everybody laughed and I couldn’t help laughing too.

I got dressed when lunch had finished and wandered to class.

After school I went to the gym and beat the hell out of a punchbag. I still didn’t feel any better.

Again I walked home instead of taking the RT. The twins were home before me and just looked at me openmouthed when I went in.

“Not a word,” I said. “If you want to eat, not a damned word.”

I cooked their tea and went upstairs to my room.

A long while later Mum came in. “What’s up?”

“What do you mean?”

“The first thing the twins said when I came in was ‘There’s something wrong with Jo’, so what’s wrong?”

I burst into tears.

Mum sat on my bed, pulled my head into her lap and just stroked my hair as I cried myself out.

Finally I was able to speak. “I messed up everything.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” she replied. “Though I admit I wasn’t happy with what you did. But as a form of protest it was, as one commentator said, unique. I’m late home because I’ve spent half the day giving interviews and the other half in tele-conferences with the Program Committee Vice Chair and the Education Minister.”

“And?”

“The Junior Minister who spread the lies about you has been asked to resign. The Education Minister said in an interview that I have his fullest confidence.”

“Doesn’t that mean you’re next to go?” I joked.

“Cynic.”

“I wonder who I get that from?” I asked seriously.

She ignored the question and continued, “He also stated catagorically that there are no plans to use the Program as a corrective tool. But when he was asked if that meant you’d been lying, he admitted that some had wanted that to happen, but it had been ruled out. He said that the Government called on the Program Committee and the Student leaders to resolve the dispute as quickly as possible.”

“I heard the Program was suspended.”

“Yes, that was our Vice-Chair’s idea. The Program Strike is causing too many problems between students, and he felt the situation could become dangerous. The Program Committee will be meeting with the whole of the National Student Advisory Council on Friday. Auntie Shelley and I won’t be there as people could say we’d be prejudiced. But the ideas we came up with last night will be put forward.”

“What were they?” I asked.

“Local Program Officers to have the right to exempt a student or to partially exempt a student at their discretion, but they have to report it to the National Program Committee giving the reasons. The student’s participation is suspended until the Program Committee or a delegate acting on our behalf has decided. If our delegate and the local P.O. disagree, it goes before the full Committee. Once the decision is made, if it is a full exemption, rather than showing an exemption, the student’s record will be credited with a satisfactory pass in the Program and all records of the decision will be destroyed on privacy grounds. If it is a partial exemption, the school will be notified, but all records of that will be destroyed at the end of their Program week, again on privacy grounds.”

“What do you mean by partial exemption?”

“In Edward’s case for example, he could be exempted from accepting certain or all requests from other boys.”

“So if your Committee agree, it’s sorted?” I asked.

“If they agree. Some might feel that they don’t want to give in to student protests, but I think it’ll get through. But it’s not quite sorted, as you put it. Your Nick Warner wants some appeal facility built in for those who have local P.O.s who refuse exemptions. That might be harder to get through.”

“But Edward will be okay?”

“Hmm. He could get an exemption. But after being involved in this week’s protests, it might be hard to keep it out of the press.”

“So it was all for nothing?”

“He will have to decide what he wants to do. Do you want to ring him and tell him?”

“Nah. ‘s okay.”

“You still seem fed up.”

“I’m okay.”

“Joanna Peters, I’m not leaving this room until you tell me what’s wrong.”

“Edward.”

“What about him? I should think he adores you after what you did for him today. Or is that the problem? You don’t feel the same way?”

“No, I don’t know what I feel. I had sex for the first time today and…”

“I noticed,” Mum interrupted. “In fact I think half the country noticed.”

I couldn’t help a giggle.

“Sorry. I interrupted you.”

“Well. I had sex for the first time, and I hated it.”

“Was he rough, or should I say they?”

In spite of myself, I felt myself reddening, but answered, “No, he was okay, but it didn’t turn me on at all.”

“I’m not surprised under the circumstances.”

“And he knows I was upset afterwards, and thinks he did something wrong or I didn’t want it to be him.”

“And you did?”

“Yes, but not like that. I know it was my idea, but I didn’t know how I’d feel afterwards. I tried to explain, I’d just wanted it to be special, and Destiny went on about me being the only proggie who lost it live on all the news channels, how special did I want it?”

Mum laughed at that. “She has a point.”

“Was it really live on all the news channels?”

“I don’t know about all, but on most of them, yes. And you could have knocked me down with a feather. And you can do chores to replace that sheet you gave away.”

I smiled a little.

“So it wasn’t what you dreamed of?” she asked.

“No. Not at all. And now I’ve made Edward think it was his fault. Either because I did it for him or because I didn’t want to do it with him or because he wasn’t any good or.. Oh, I don’t know what he thinks.”

“Have you asked him? Or have you told him how you feel?”

“I can’t, Mum.”

“You really should.”

“I know. But at the moment I’m not even sure how I feel, so how can I tell him?”

“You’ll figure it out.”

THURSDAY

By the time I got to school in the RT I was fed up with hearing about my live sex show, as everyone insisted on calling it.

I admit, I avoided Edward, even turning around in the corridor once when I saw him coming.

I felt really bad about that. He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t make me do anything yesterday and I was treating him like crap.

At lunch I caught him staring at me. He looked so sad. I spent half the time after that trying to summon up the courage to go and speak to him.

Finally I got up and the damned bell went. I didn’t see him again after that.

“Jo’s still sad,” Sammy told Mum when she came in in the evening.

“Shut up,” I told her.

“Are you?” asked Mum.

“A bit,” I admitted.

“You didn’t see him then.”

“Yeah, I saw him.”

“What did he say?”

“I didn’t speak to him. I just saw him.”

“When are you going to act your age?”

“I’ll speak to him tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay.”

FRIDAY

Shit!

He came in with Lindsey Ward and she looked like the cat that had the cream.

Sure enough, she was saying in class that for a geek he was pretty good in the sack. I could have killed her. But what could I say?

I caught him looking at me at lunchtime but I couldn’t read his expression.

I actually got told off in class.

“Joanna Peters, stop looking out of the window and pay attention!”

I never get told off in class. Never.

Just because I’d felt bad about some kid I’d felt sorry for and tried to help.

He’d obviously moved on, so why couldn’t I?

Let’s face it our only time having sex was crap, so why worry? Okay, the crap sex wasn’t his fault or mine, but we didn’t exactly set the bedsheet alight with passion.

“Did you speak to him?” Mum asked when she got home, before she even said “Hello.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“He found someone else,” I admitted. “I guess I wasn’t that great for him either.”

“Oh.” She sounded deflated.

“How did the meeting go?” I asked, glad to be able to change the subject.

“Fine. The Student Council asked for some other powers while they knew they were ahead and the Program Committee pretty much gave them whatever they wanted.”

“You don’t sound pleased.”

“I’m just worried that too many people and groups have the power to disrupt the Program. NSAC can now suspend the Program in any school for up to a week for safety or abuse reasons. This lot are alright, but in the future, what happens if a politically motivated group just disrupt everything?”

“Mum. It’s our Program. We’ve all seen friends go through it and most of them come out of it better than they went in. Do you really think we’d want it screwed up any more than you do? I mean, look at Destiny!”

She had to laugh at that. Destiny, my best friend, had really low self esteem from her father who just criticised her all the time. After a couple of bad days, she discovered that she loved oral sex, giving and receiving, preferably at the same time. She actually got carried away in the corridors the week after she was in the Program and got caught giving a guy a blowjob. The trouble was, he wasn’t in the Program either, so they both got a week’s detention.

Okay, she settled down a bit after that, especially when we threatened to make an oral sex film, Destiny Downs the Docklands, but she never let anyone put her down again.

“And how about you, when it restarts, are you going to come out of it better than you went in?”

“I don’t know, Mum,” I said quietly. “It still scares me. I don’t like loosing control. It’s not as if I haven’t done it now. Hell, as you said, half the country probably watched me do it. And I don’t see what all the fuss is about.”

“That’s hardly a good experience to judge sex by,” she pointed out.

“I thought it would be so great. We were so good together Monday evening. Then it all went wrong.”

“You lost a boyfriend. You’ll have others.”

“I don’t want others, Mum. When we were together I felt like we could tackle anything.”

“I noticed. Me and the whole Committee for starters, then a government Minister. Perhaps it’s just as well you split up. I’m not sure the country could handle it if you stayed together.”

I smiled at her attempt to cheer me up. “Well, you know what I mean. I felt safe when he was with me.”

“Safe?” She sounded concerned.

“Like he’d never let anything happen to me. And he’d always be there for me. I’m not as scared about next week, but that’s only because I know I’m not going to feel anything anyway. And that’s scary too.”

“Do you love him?”

Ouch. That hit home. I had to think for a minute before replying, “I don’t know. It’s stupid. We were only really together one evening. Now it just hurts to think of him with someone else. I can’t imagine being happy without him.”

“Oh Dear. You’re not going to like what I’ve done.”

“What?”

“Invited him and his mother for dinner Sunday Night.”

“How could you interfere like that?”

“Hey, this had nothing to do with you. I invited them so we could discuss what to do about his Program next week. He understands that simply not doing it may draw attention to him which he can’t afford to have. You can go out for the evening if you like.”

Yeah, I thought. That would make me seem really callous.

I didn’t answer. I just sat there scowling.

I decided on an early night.