A Tempestuous Ride, by MichaelD

AUTHOR'S NOTE

This is an adaptation of William Shakespeare's play "The Tempest" for the Fantasy Train project. A familiarity with that work, though not a prerequisite, will make this one more enjoyable. I have been presumptuous enough to cast myself in the role of Prospero, and other notables of ASSD, past and present, in the other roles.

I present this with profound apologies to Shakespeare (for obvious reasons) and my colleagues in ASS* (for reasons shortly to become obvious). Thanks also to Richard Bissell for allowing me to cast him as the villain in this piece (he knows why, and so will you if you pay attention). Thanks also to Lisala for assistance and proofreading.

A TEMPESTUOUS RIDE

Dramatis Personae

UTHER		King of ASSD.
JANEY		his sister.
MICHAELD		the right Duke of Mf.
RICHARD		his brother, the usurping Duke of Mf.
KATIE MCN		daughter to the King of ASSD.
BRONWEN		an honest Counselor.
MALINOV		\|
		\|		Lords.
SHON		\|
FAST SHOW		a savage and deformed Troll.
ANTAEUS		a Jester.
NICK		a drunken Butler.
LOUIE		Master of a Train.
	Leprechauns.		(Leprechauns)
KIVI		daughter to MichaelD.
LISALA		an airy Spirit.

SCENE: A train; an office.

ACT I

SCENE I

On a train at night: a tempestuous noise of thunder and lightning is heard.

[Enter LOUIE and a Leprechaun, rapidly]
LOUIE	Sprite!
Leprechaun	Here, master, how do we fare?
LOUIE	Get the others, now, or we run off the tracks! Go! Go!
[Exit Leprechaun] [Enter Leprechauns]
LOUIE	Ho, fools! Fire the engine. Tend to my whistle. Shovel, shovel, till you burst the boiler!
[Leprechauns frantically shovel coal into the burner]
[Enter UTHER, JANEY, RICHARD, KATIE MCN, BRONWEN, and others]
UTHER	Good Louie, have a care. Where are we?
LOUIE	Get out of my engine! Get!
RICHARD	Where are we, Louie?
LOUIE	Do you not see? You are in our way. Keep to the cars; you do assist this storm.
BRONWEN	Louie, prithee, be still.
LOUIE	When the sky is. Out! What cares this storm for the names of these authors? To the cars! Silence! Trouble us not.
BRONWEN	Remember who you have aboard.
LOUIE	None that I more love than myself. You are an author, if you can pen these elements to silence, and steady the train, do so! If not, get out of my engine and prepare yourselves for the crash, if it happens. Out! Out, I say!
[Exeunt]
[Re-enter LOUIE, rapidly]
LOUIE	More coal! Shovel, you dogs! [A cry from the cars] Damn them all for that noise! They are louder than storm or engine!
[Re-enter JANEY, RICHARD, and BRONWEN]
	Again! Get out! Do you want me to crash this train?
JANEY	I've had it with you!
LOUIE	Guide the train yourself, then!
RICHARD	Insolent wretch! We are less afraid to die than you.
BRONWEN	I'll strangle him myself before the train kills him.
LOUIE	Shovel! More coal, I say!
[Enter Leprechauns, wet]
Leprechauns	All lost! To prayers, to prayers! All lost!
BRONWEN	The others are back in the cars trying to steady the train; let's join them.
JANEY	I'm out of patience with that fool.
RICHARD	These leprechauns will be the death of us.
[A confused noise within: "Mercy on us!" "We crash, we crash!" "Farewell, my wife and children!" "Farewell, brother!" "We crash, we crash, we crash!"]
RICHARD	If we are to die, let us die with the others.
JANEY	Let's go.
[Exeunt RICHARD and JANEY]
BRONWEN	I would give a thousand miles of track for an acre of still ground. The wills above be done! But I would rather die a dry death.
[Exeunt]

SCENE II

The office. Before MICHAELD's desk.

[Enter MICHAELD and KIVI]
KIVI	Michael, if you did this, please make it stop. I saw the crash; I heard the cries. My heart breaks to know what we have lost.
MICHAELD	Be still, there's no harm done.
KIVI	O, woe the day!
MICHAELD	No one was harmed, my daughter, but you are ignorant of who you are and what I was. I was more than the master of this poor office.
KIVI	I would rather know that you have not been messing with my head.
MICHAELD	I have, in truth, with you and others. The time has come to explain; sit. [KIVI sits before MICHAELD's computer] What you saw was not what you think. The wreck was virtual, no one was harmed. I am not so evil as that. 'Twas a tempest in a depot. Let me explain.
KIVI	You have begun this story often, but never finished.
MICHAELD	The time has come; listen. Do you remember a time before we came to this office? I do not think you can, for then you did but lurk.
KIVI	Oh, but I can.
MICHAELD	How? Did you hide behind another nym?
KIVI	It is far off and rather like a dream. Did I not once make four or five posts in ASSD?
MICHAELD	That and more, Kivi. What else do you remember?
KIVI	I do not.
MICHAELD	Some years ago, Kivi, thy father was a "star" of the newsgroups, an author of some renown.
KIVI	Sir, are not you my father?
MICHAELD	Nay, I am.
KIVI	O the heavens! What foul play had we, that we came from there? Or blessed was it we did?
MICHAELD	Nay, listen. Once I was a most prolific scrivener; I penned one tale after another. I was a master of the teen drama, tales of younger women and older men. Are you listening?
KIVI	Sir, most heedfully.
MICHAELD	One day, the inspiration faded, and likewise I did fade from the newsgroups. I called it retirement, and so it was, for the wellspring my prose had indeed retired from the scene. Are you listening?
KIVI	Your tale, sir, would cure deafness.
MICHAELD	I held onto naught but my memories and my stories, thinking those enough. I retired to this office and watched as my star did fade. For upon the 'group came one to usurp my role.
KIVI	You speak of Richard of Bissell.
MICHAELD	Nay! Speak of him not! For he pens what I once did; my acclaim, such as it was, pales before his renown. And the others in the group welcome him where I once was, though they see naught beyond his masks.
KIVI	But you remain here; why?
MICHAELD	By Providence divine. Some notice I still draw. A noble Neapolitan, Janey, out of her charity, didst invite me to participate in the return of ASSM. But it drew naught response; my star has faded. I have but my stories, from mine own library, which I prize above my fame.
KIVI	Would I might but see that woman!
MICHAELD	Now arise. [KIVI stands, MICHAELD sits at his computer] Be still, and hear the last of my tale.
KIVI	And I pray you, sir, still the beating of my heart. Why did you crash the Fantasy Train?
MICHAELD	By accident most strange, by bountiful Fortune, hath the denizens of ASSD drawn near, and that perchance I might confront the usurper and reclaim my renown. Enough questions, sleep.
[KIVI lays on the floor and sleeps]
	Come away, come. I am ready now. Approach, Lisala.
[Enter LISALA]
MICHAELD	Hast thou, spirit, derailed the train as I bade thee?
LISALA	Indeed I have; I have corrupted their .html and sent viruses throughout their disks, for near one and all, they trust the cursed Wintel. Naught but one employ the fair Mac; thus was my task eased.
MICHAELD	My brave spirit! Were they all fooled?
LISALA	Aye, one and all they jumped the train; all but the leprechauns quit the carriage; the king's daughter, Katie, was the first.
MICHAELD	Bravo! All this was close to here?
LISALA	Close by, indeed.
MICHAELD	Are they safe?
LISALA	Not a hair mussed nor a mark on their clothes, as you instructed. The leprechauns I dispersed about the building. The king's daughter have I landed by herself in a nearby cubicle.
MICHAELD	Lisala, you have done as I asked, but there's more work. What is time is it?
LISALA	Past noon. What more I must do?
MICHAELD	What's the matter? What is it you desire?
LISALA	My liberty.
MICHAELD	Before the time be out? No more!
LISALA	I prithee, remember I have done thee worthy service.
MICHAELD	Do you forget what a torment I did free thee from?
LISALA	No.
MICHAELD	You do, and you think it much to tread the ooze of the newsgroups deep. Hast thou forgot the foul witch Miss Anne Thrope?
LISALA	No.
MICHAELD	Oft she did plague the 'groups, 'til I and others drove her out. Yet she was soon replaced by another.
LISALA	Yes, Fast Show, her son.
MICHAELD	Dull thing, I say, that now I keep in service.
LISALA	Yet she was but half a troll, no more, that bore that one full-blooded.
MICHAELD	Aye, I'll grant you that; no troll, but mayhap a trull.
LISALA	What shall I do?
MICHAELD	Go make thyself like a daemon o' the UNIX, invisible to every eye but mine. Go, hence with diligence!
[Exit LISALA]
	Awake, awake! Thou hast slept well!
KIVI	The strangeness of your story put heaviness in me.
MICHAELD	Shake it off. Come on; we'll visit Fast Show, who never yields us kind answer.
KIVI	He is a villain, sir, I do not love to look on.
MICHAELD	What, ho! Fast Show! Thou earth, thou! Speak.
FAST SHOW	[Within] There's trolls enough within.
MICHAELD	Come forth, I say! There's other business for thee.
[Re-enter LISALA like a UNIX-daemon]
	Fine apparition! My quaint Lisala, hark in thine ear.
LISALA	It shall be done.
[Exit]
MICHAELD	Thou poisonous slave, got by the devil himself upon thy wicked dam, come forth!
[Enter FAST SHOW]
FAST SHOW	A pox on you. All the flames of Miss Anne Thrope, toads, beetles, bats, light on you! For I am all the subjects that you have, where first I was king. Now here you hide me in this hard cubicle and keep from me the rest of the net.
MICHAELD	Thou most lying troll, whom stripes may move, not kindness! I have used thee, filth as thou art, with human care, and lodged thee in mine own office, till thou didst seek to violate the honor of my child.
FAST SHOW	O ho, O ho! Would it had been done! Thou didst prevent me; else I would have peopled this office with trolls.
MICHAELD	Hag-seed, hence! Fetch us disks, and be quick.
[Exit FAST SHOW]
[Re-enter LISALA, invisible, playing and singing; KATIE MCN following]
KATIE MCN	What is this music? Surely it waits upon someone else. I heard it sitting by the tracks and mourning the king my father's wreck, thence I have followed it, or it has drawn me here. It begins again.
LISALA	[singing]

	Full fathom five thy father lies;
	Of his teeth are keyboards made;
	Those are 'cams that were his eyes;
	Nothing of him that doth fade
	But doth suffer a C:\-change
	Into something rich and strange,
	Bill Gates hourly brings wintel
	Hark! Now I hear them--ding.wav, bell.

KATIE MCN	The ditty does remember my dead father. This is no mortal business, nor no sound that the earth owes. I hear it now above me.
MICHAELD	Do you see it?
KIVI	What is it? A spirit? How it looks about! Believe me, sir, it carries a brave form. But 'tis a spirit.
MICHAELD	No, girl, it eats and sleeps as we. This girl which you see was in the train wreck; but she has lost her friends and looks about to find them.
KIVI	I might call her a thing divine, for nothing natural I ever saw so noble.
MICHAELD	[Aside] At last! Something new to write about! Spirit, fine spirit! I'll free thee within two days for this.
KATIE MCN	Most sure, the goddess on whom these airs attend! May I know, O you wonder, if you be maid or no?
KIVI	No wonder, miss, but certainly a maid.
MICHAELD	A word, good miss; I fear you have done yourself some wrong; a word.
KIVI	Why speaks my father so ungently? This is the first woman that ever I saw, the first that ever I sighed for.
KATIE MCN	O, if a lesbian, and your affection not gone forth, I'll make you the queen of ASSD.
MICHAELD	Soft, miss! One word more. [Aside] They are both in either's powers; but I must slow this swift business down. [To KATIE MCN] One word more; listen, have you come to usurp my role, to write the stories I wouldst pen?
KATIE MCN	No, as I am a woman.
KIVI	Father, she means no ill.
MICHAELD	Speak not you for her; she's a traitor. Come; favor you Mf, nc, humil, bsdm? Then I'll manacle thy neck and feet together; I'll dress you in slut clothes and parade you about.
KATIE MCN	No, I will resist such entertainment till mine enemy has more power. [Draws sword, and is charmed from moving]
KIVI	O dear father, make not too rash a trial of her, for she's gentle and not fearful.
MICHAELD	What? I say, put thy sword up, traitor.
KIVI	Beseech you, father.
MICHAELD	Hence! Hang not on my garments.
KIVI	Sir, have pity, I'll be her surety.
MICHAELD	Silence! An advocate for an imposter! Hush! You think there are no more such shapes as she, having seen but her and Fast Show? Foolish wench! To the most of women this is a Fast Show And they to her are angels.
KIVI	My affections are then most humble; I have no ambition to see a goodlier woman.
MICHAELD	Come, obey.
KATIE MCN	I will. But my father's loss, the weakness which I feel, nor the wreck of all my friends, nor this man's threats, are nothing; if I am to be prisoned, then let me be so with this maid.
KIVI	Be not upset, my father is a better man than this, but like most het boys, he cannot abide girl-groping unless he pens it himself.
MICHAELD	[Aside] It works.
	[To LISALA] Thou hast done well, fine Lisala!
	[To KATIE MCN] Follow me.
	[To LISALA] Hark what thou else shalt do for me. Thou shalt be free as mountain winds, but until then exactly do all points of my command.
LISALA	To the syllable.
MICHAELD	Come, follow.
[Exeunt]

ACT II

SCENE I

Another part of the office.

[Enter UTHER, JANEY, RICHARD, BRONWEN, MALINOV, SHON, and others]
BRONWEN	I beseech you, sir, be merry; you have cause, as have we all, for joy, for our escape is much beyond our loss.
UTHER	Prithee, peace.
JANEY	He receives comfort like a cold virus.
RICHARD	Aye, but her comfort is often a cold draught.
JANEY	She's winding up the watch of her wit, soon it will strike.
BRONWEN	Sir--
JANEY	There's one.
BRONWEN	When every troll is fed that posteth, there comes to the chef--
JANEY	A cent.
BRONWEN	Assent comes to him, indeed, you have spoken truer than you meant to.
JANEY	You have taken it wiser than I meant you should.
BRONWEN	Therefore, my lord--
RICHARD	What a spendthrift is she of her tongue!
JANEY	My 'sent again--
RICHARD	One spent as soon as it is got.
UTHER	I prithee, spare.
BRONWEN	Well, I have done, but yet--
JANEY	She will be posting.
RICHARD	[To JANEY] Which, of she or Malinov, for a good wager, first begins to post?
JANEY	The pom.
RICHARD	The pompous.
JANEY	Done. The wager?
RICHARD	A laughter.
JANEY	A match!
MALINOV	Though this office appears empty--
JANEY	Ha, ha, ha! So, you're paid.
MALINOV	Uninhabitable and almost inaccessible--
JANEY	Yet--
MALINOV	Yet--
RICHARD	He could not miss it.
MALINOV	It seems to be of subtle, tender, and delicate temperance.
RICHARD	Though temperance may not be one of his tender virtues.
JANEY	Aye, though he may be subtle.
RICHARD	Too much by half.
MALINOV	The air breathes upon us here most sweetly.
JANEY	As if it had lungs, and rotten ones.
RICHARD	Or as 'twere perfumed by a fen.
BRONWEN	Here is everything advantageous to life.
RICHARD	True; save means to log on.
JANEY	Of that there's none, or little.
BRONWEN	But the rarity of it is, which is indeed almost beyond credit--
JANEY	As many vouched rarities are.
BRONWEN	That our garments, being, as they were, drenched in the storm, seem fresh and glossy, being rather new-dyed than stained with rain water. Methinks our garments are now as fresh as when we put them on first in ASSM, at the marriage of the king's fair daughter Miss Behavin' to the King of Sex.
JANEY	'Twas a sweet marriage, and we prosper well in our return.
MALINOV	ASS was never graced before with such a paragon to their queen.
RICHARD	[To JANEY] Though their queen was graced with quite an ass.
JANEY	[To RICHARD] Aye--both behind and beside her.
BRONWEN	Sir, we were talking that our garments seem now as fresh as when we were at the marriage of your daughter, who is now queen.
UTHER	You cram these words into my ears against the stomach of my sense. Would I had never married my daughter there! For, coming thence, my other daughter is lost and she too, who is so far from ASSD removed I never again shall see her.
SHON	Sir, she may live.
UTHER	No, no, she's gone.
BRONWEN	It is foul weather in us all, good sir, when you are cloudy.
JANEY	Foul weather?
RICHARD	Very foul.
[Enter LISALA, invisible, playing solemn music]
RICHARD	Nay, my good lord, be not angry.
BRONWEN	No, I warrant you; I will not adventure my discretion so weakly. Will you laugh me asleep, for I am very heavy?
RICHARD	Go sleep, and hear us.
[All sleep except UTHER, JANEY, and RICHARD]
UTHER	What, all so soon asleep! I wish my eyes would themselves shut up my thoughts. I find they are inclined to do so.
JANEY	Please sir, sleep, you will the better be for it. Shut up your thoughts.
RICHARD	We two, my lord, will guard your person while you take your Rest.
UTHER	Thank you. Wondrous heavy.
[UTHER sleeps. Exit LISALA]
JANEY	What a strange drowsiness possesses them!
RICHARD	ASSD has been dull of late; it surprises me not.
JANEY	Why do our eyelids then not sink? I find not myself disposed to sleep.
RICHARD	Nor I; my spirits are nimble. What might, worthy Janey? O, what might? My strong imagination sees a crown dropping upon thy head.
JANEY	What, do you dream?
RICHARD	Do you not hear me speak?
JANEY	I do; yet you seem to speak'st out of thy sleep.
RICHARD	Noble Janey, your fortune sleeps instead.
JANEY	Prithee, say on, the setting of thine eye and cheek proclaim a matter of some importance.
RICHARD	Thusly, milady: Bronwen seeks to persuade the king that his daughter lives, yet black thought lies within that white breast. As she must know, 'tis impossible that Katie's unkill'd.
JANEY	I have no hope that she's uncrush'd.
RICHARD	O, out of that 'no hope' what great hope have you! Will you grant with me that Katie's dead?
JANEY	She's gone.
RICHARD	Then, tell me, who's the next heir of ASSD?
JANEY	Miss B.
RICHARD	Aye, that regal ASS dwells ten leagues beyond man's life. She, from ASSD, can have no notice. We all from that train were cast, though some yet live, and by that destiny to perform an act whereof what's past is prologue.
JANEY	What stuff is this! How say you?
RICHARD	How shall that Miss B measure us back to ASSD? Let her slumber, deep in her ASS, and let Janey wake. With her a-broad and Katie abeam'd, what a sleep were this for your advancement! Do you understand me?
JANEY	Methinks I do.
RICHARD	And how does your content tender your own good fortune?
JANEY	I remember you did supplant your brother MichaelD.
RICHARD	True, and look how well it sits upon me. Much neater than before. My brother's fans were then my fellows; now they are my men. As I slipped into Michael's role, a lark, a simple tale that became an epic, I bid you, slip thy knife in Uther's back.
JANEY	But, for your conscience?
RICHARD	Aye, sir, and where lies that? Twenty consciences may stand 'twixt me and Mf; candied be they and melt ere they molest! Here lies your brother, no better than the earth he lies upon. He sleeps as dead; let us make him so.
JANEY	Thy case, dear friend, shall be my precedent; as thou got'st Mf, I'll come by ASSD.
RICHARD	Draw together; when I rear my hand, do you the like, to fall it on Bronwen.
JANEY	O, but one word.
[They talk apart]
[Re-enter LISALA, invisible]
LISALA	My master through his art foresees the danger that you, his friend, are in; and sends me forth--For else his project dies--to keep them living. [Sings in BRONWEN's ear]
RICHARD	Let us both be sudden.
BRONWEN	Now, good angels, preserve the king.
[They wake]
UTHER	Why, how now? Ho, awake! Why are you drawn? Wherefore this ghastly looking?
BRONWEN	What's the matter?
JANEY	Whiles we stood here securing your repose, we heard a noise, did it not wake you?
UTHER	I heard nothing.
RICHARD	O, 'twas a din to fright a monster's ear.
UTHER	Heard you this, Bronwen?
BRONWEN	Upon mine honor, sir, I heard a trolling, and that a strange one too, which did awake me.
UTHER	Lead off this ground; and let's make further search for my poor daughter.
BRONWEN	Heavens keep her from these beasts! For she is, I'm sure, in this office, and this tale was bereft of snuff coding.
UTHER	Lead away.
LISALA	MichaelD shall know what I have wrought here. So, king, go safely on to seek thy daughter.
[Exeunt]

SCENE II

Another part of the office.

[Enter FAST SHOW with a case of floppy disks. A noise of thunder heard]
FAST SHOW	All the spammers the net sucks up from bogs, fens, flats, on Michael fall and make him by inch-meal a disease!
[Enter ANTAEUS]
	Lo, now, lo! Here comes a spirit of his, and to torment me. I'll fall flat; perchance he will not mind me.
ANTAEUS	What have we here? A man or a troll? Dead or alive? A troll; he smells like one, a very ancient and troll-like smell. A strange troll! Were I in ASSD now, as once I was, and had but this troll, there would be my fortune. For though they give short shrift to serious talk, the trolls do bring them forth. [Thunder] Alas, the storm is come again! Let me creep under his crate. There is no other shelter hereabouts, and the net acquaints a man with strange bed-fellows.
[Enter NICK, singing, a bottle in his hand]
NICK	I shall no more log on, log on, here shall I die alone-- This is a very scurvy tune to sing at a man's funeral. Well, here's my comfort. [Drinks]
[Sings drunkenly]

		The webmaster, the spammer, the lurker, and I,
		The author and his fan
		Loved Deja, and Yahoo, and AOL,
		But none of us cared for Anne.
		For she had a tongue with a tang,
		Would cry to an author, Go hang!
		She loved not the appearance of font nor its pitch,
		Yet a troll might scratch her where'er she did bitch.
		To the net, boys, and let her go hang!

	This is a scurvy tune too, but here's my comfort. [Drinks]
FAST SHOW	Do not torment me, Oh!
NICK	What's the matter? Have we trolls here? I have not 'scaped death to be now afraid of your posts.
FAST SHOW	The spirit torments me, Oh!
NICK	This is some monster with four legs. If I can recover him and get to ASSD with him, he's a present for any author that ever trod the net.
FAST SHOW	Do not torment me, prithee; I'll bring my disks home faster.
NICK	He's in his fit now and does not talk after the wisest. He shall taste of my bottle.
ANTAEUS	I know that voice! It should be--but he is drowned, and these are devils. O defend me!
NICK	Four legs and two voices--a most devious troll! Come, out from thy false nym! I will pour some in thy other mouth.
ANTAEUS	Nick!
NICK	Doth thy other nym call me? Mercy, mercy!
ANTAEUS	Nick! If thou beest Nick, touch me and speak to me, for I am Antaeus--be not afeard--thy good friend Antaeus.
NICK	If thou beest Antaeus, come forth. I'll pull thee by the lesser legs.
ANTAEUS	I took him to be killed with a thunder-stroke. But art thou not dead, Nick?
FAST SHOW	[Aside] These be fine things, and if they be not sprites. That's a brave god and bears celestial liquor. I will kneel to him. Hast thou not dropp'd from the net?
NICK	Out o' the 'groups, I do assure thee. I was there when time was new.
FAST SHOW	I have seen thee there and I do adore thee. My mistress showed me thy posts and thy text.
NICK	Come, swear to that; kiss the disks. I will fill them with new porn.
ANTAEUS	By this good light, this is a very shallow troll! A most poor credulous troll!
FAST SHOW	I'll show thee every inch of the office, and I will kiss thy foot.
ANTAEUS	By this light, a most perfidious and drunken troll!
FAST SHOW	I'll kiss thy foot; I'll swear myself thy subject.
NICK	Come on then; down, and swear.
ANTAEUS	I shall laugh myself to death at this puppy-headed troll. A most scurvy troll! I could find in my heart to beat him were he not already killfiled.
FAST SHOW	I'll show thee the best servers. A plague upon the tyrant that I serve! I'll bear him no more disks, but follow thee, thou wondrous man.
ANTAEUS	A most ridiculous troll, to make a wonder of a poor drunkard!
NICK	I prithee now, lead the way without any more talking. Antaeus, the king and all our company else being drowned, we will inherit here.
FAST SHOW	[Sings] Farewell master, farewell, farewell!
ANTAEUS	A howling troll, a drunken troll!
NICK	O brave troll! Lead the way.
[Exeunt]

ACT III

SCENE I

Before MICHAELD's Office.

[Enter KATIE MCN, bearing a keyboard]
KATIE MCN	What busywork! I wouldst smack that het boy upside his head were it not for thoughts of his daughter; this task is borne easier thereby. He has none of her sweetness.
[Enter KIVI; and MICHAELD at a distance, unseen]
KIVI	Alas, now, pray you, work not so hard. My father is hard at writing of the two of us. He's gone for these three hours.
KATIE MCN	O most dear mistress, the sun will set before I shall discharge what I must strive to do.
KIVI	If you'll sit down, I'll bear your 'boards the while. Pray, give me that.
KATIE MCN	No, precious creature; I had rather break my back than you should such dishonor undergo.
MICHAELD	Ha! They are both entranced! I'll sit here and observe. This has ff, voy, penned all about it. Alas! Had I my video-cam, I could then add nc, humil, and make this nearer Katie's tastes.
KIVI	You look weary.
KATIE MCN	No, noble mistress, 'tis fresh morning with me when you are by at night. I do beseech you--chiefly that I might set it in my tales--what is your name?
KIVI	Kivi--O my father, I have broke your hest to say so!
KATIE MCN	Admired Kivi! Indeed the top of admiration! Full many a Lady I have eyed with best regard but you, O you, so perfect and so peerless, are created of every creature's best!
KIVI	I do not know one of my sex; no woman's face remember, save, from my glass, mine own, but, by my modesty, I would not wish any companion in the world but you.
KATIE MCN	I am in my condition a princess, Kivi, and, I do think, a Queen. The very instant that I saw you, did my heart fly to your service.
KIVI	Do you love me?
KATIE MCN	O heaven, O earth, bear witness to this sound. Beyond all limit of what else in the world I do love, I prize and honor you.
KIVI	I am a fool to weep at what I am glad of.
MICHAELD	Fair encounter of two most rare affections! This will give me stuff to pen for months! Court on, my muses!
KATIE MCN	Wherefore weep you?
KIVI	At mine unworthiness that dare not offer what I desire to give, but I'll be your servant, whether you will or no.
KATIE MCN	My mistress, dearest, and I thus humble ever.
KIVI	My lover, then?
KATIE MCN	Aye, with a heart as willing of bondage as ever of freedom, for I favor the noble nc, humil; aye, here's my hand.
KIVI	And mine, with my heart in't; and now farewell till half an hour hence.
KATIE MCN A	thousand thousand!
[Exeunt KATIE MCN and KIVI severally]
MICHAELD	So glad of this as they I cannot be. I'll to my 'puter, for yet ere supper-time must I perform much scribbling.
[Exit]

SCENE II

Another part of the island.

[Enter FAST SHOW, NICK, and ANTAEUS]
NICK	Speak no more. When the flames are done, we will rest, not before. Bear up, servant troll, post to me.
ANTAEUS	Servant-troll! The folly of this office! He says there's but five within, we are three. If the other two doth flame like us, the state totters.
NICK	Troll, servant-monster, when I bid thee, thy posts are almost set in thy head.
ANTAEUS	Where should they be set else? He were a brave monster indeed, if they were set in his tail.
NICK	We'll not run, Monsieur Troll.
ANTAEUS	Nor go neither; but you'll lie like dogs and yet say nothing.
NICK	Troll, speak once in thy life, if thou beest a good troll.
FAST SHOW	How does thy honor? I'll not serve him.
ANTAEUS	Thou liest, most ignorant troll. Wilt thou tell a monstrous lie, being but half a troll and half a flamer?
FAST SHOW	Lo, how he mocks me! Wilt thou let him, my lord?
ANTAEUS	'Lord' quoth he! That a troll should be such a natural!
FAST SHOW	Lo, lo, again! Flame him to death, I prithee.
NICK	Antaeus, keep a good tongue in your head. If you prove a mutineer--the next thread! The poor troll's my subject and he shall not suffer indignity.
FAST SHOW	I thank my noble lord. Wilt thou be pleased to hearken once again to the suit I made to thee?
NICK	Marry, kneel and repeat it; I will stand, and so shall Antaeus.
[Enter LISALA, invisible]
FAST SHOW	As I told thee before, I am subject to a tyrant, an author, that by his cunning hath cheated me of the net.
LISALA	Thou liest.
FAST SHOW	Thou liest, thou jesting monkey! I would my valiant master would destroy thee! I do not lie.
NICK	Antaeus, if you flame him any more in this tale, by this post, I will supplant some of your teeth.
ANTAEUS	Why, I said nothing.
NICK	Mum, then, and no more. Proceed.
FAST SHOW	I say, by sorcery he got this office; from me he got it. If thy greatness will revenge it on him--for I know thou darest, but I dare not--
NICK	That's most certain.
FAST SHOW	Thou shalt be moderator of it, and I'll serve thee.
NICK	How now shall this be compassed? Canst thou bring me to the 'group?
FAST SHOW	Yea, yea, my lord, I'll lead thee to him asleep, where thou may plug a virus into his archive.
LISALA	Thou liest; thou canst not; he serves not wintel.
FAST SHOW	What a ninny is this! Thou scurvy patch! I do beseech thy greatness, give him blows.
NICK	Antaeus, hold thy keys. Interrupt the troll one word further, and by this post, I'll turn my mercy out of doors and make a lurker of thee.
ANTAEUS	Why, what did I? I did nothing. I'll go farther off.
NICK	Didst thou not say he lied?
LISALA	Thou liest.
NICK	Do I so? Take thou that.
[Flames ANTAEUS]
	As you like this, give me the lie another time.
ANTAEUS	I did not give the lie. Out o' your wits and bearing too? A pox on your 'board! The devil take your fingers!
FAST SHOW	Ha, ha, ha!
NICK	Forward with your tale. Antaeus, prithee, stand farther off.
FAST SHOW	Flame him again, after a little time I'll flame him too.
NICK	Stand farther. Come, proceed.
FAST SHOW	Why, as I told thee, 'tis a custom with Michael in the afternoon to pen. There thou mayst flame him, having first seized his stories, or with a virus batter his disk. First to possess his 'puter, for without it he's but a sot.
NICK	Troll, I will flame this man. His daughter and I will be king and queen--save our graces!--and Antaeus and thyself shall be viceroys. Dost thou like the plot, Antaeus?
ANTAEUS	Excellent.
NICK	Give me thy hand. I am sorry I flamed thee, but, while thou livest, keep a civil post in thy head.
FAST SHOW	Ere half hour will he be apen, wilt thou close to flame him then?
NICK	Aye, on mine honor.
LISALA	This will I tell Michael.
NICK	This will prove a brave 'group to me, where I shall have my access for nothing.
FAST SHOW	When MichaelD is destroyed.
NICK	That shall be by and by, I remember the story. Lead, troll; we'll follow.
ANTAEUS	Wilt come? I'll follow, Nick.
[Exeunt]

SCENE III

Another part of the island.

[Enter UTHER, JANEY, RICHARD, BRONWEN, SHON, MALINOV, and others]
BRONWEN	I can go no further, sir; my bones ache.
UTHER	Lady, I cannot blame thee, I am myself attached with weariness, to the dulling of my prose. Sit and rest. Even here I will put off my hope. Katie is dead.
RICHARD	[Aside to JANEY] He's out of hope. Do not forego the purpose you resolved to effect.
JANEY	[Aside to RICHARD] The next advantage will we take thoroughly.
[Solemn and strange music]
UTHER	What harmony is this? My good friends, hark!
BRONWEN	Marvelous sweet music!
[Enter MICHAELD above, invisible. Enter several strange Shapes, bringing a flood of posts; they dance about with gentle actions, inviting the King, &c. to read, they depart]
UTHER	Give us kind keepers, heavens! What were these?
JANEY	Lurkers and 'phemeral creatures of the net.
BRONWEN	If in ASSD I should repost this now, would they believe me?
MICHAELD	[Aside] Honest lady, thou hast said well; for some of you there present are worse than trolls.
SHON	They vanish'd strangely.
JANEY	No matter, they have left their posts behind, and we have newsreaders. Will it please you to read of what is here?
UTHER	Not I.
[Thunder and lightning. Enter LISALA, like a troll; claps her wings upon the screen, and the posts vanish.]
LISALA	Ha! Remember, Richard, for that's my business to you--that you from Mf did supplant good MichaelD; and drove from the net, which hath blessed it, him and his innocent child, for which foul deed the powers, delaying, not forgetting, have incensed the skies against your peace.
[She vanishes in thunder; then, to soft music enter the Shapes again, and dance, with mocks and bows, and carrying out the posts]
MICHAELD	Bravely the figure of this troll hast thou perform'd, Lisala; a grace it had, devouring. In these fits I leave them, while I visit young Katie, whom they suppose is dead, and her and mine loved darling.
[Exit above]
BRONWEN	In the name of something holy, sir, why stand you in this strange stare?
UTHER	O, it is monstrous, monstrous. Methought the billows spoke and told me of it, pronounced the name of MichaelD. And thus my daughter in the mud is bedded. [Exit]
RICHARD	But one fiend at a time, I'll fight their legions over.
JANEY	I'll be thy second.
[Exeunt RICHARD, and JANEY]
BRONWEN	He is desperate. His great guilt, like poison given to work a great time after, now begins to bite the spirits. I do beseech you, follow them swiftly and hinder them from what this ecstasy may now provoke them to.
SHON	Follow, I pray you.
[Exeunt]

ACT IV

SCENE I

Before MICHAELD's Office.

[Enter MICHAELD and LISALA]
LISALA	What would you? Here I am.
MICHAELD	Thou and thy meaner fellows your last service did worthily perform. I must use you in such another trick. Go bring the rabble, over whom I give thee power, here to this place.
LISALA	Presently?
MICHAELD	Ay, with a twink.
LISALA	Well, I conceive.
MICHAELD	Now does my project gather to a head. My plots crack not; my prose obeys; and time goes upright with his carriage. How's the day?
LISALA	On the sixth hour, at which time you said our work should cease.
MICHAELD	I did so say, when first I raised the tempest. How fares the king and his followers?
LISALA	Confused and confined together in the same fashion as you left them; all prisoners of spam. If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender.
MICHAELD	Dost thou think so, spirit?
LISALA	Mine would, were I human.
MICHAELD	And mine shall. Though with Richard's high wrongs I am struck to the quick, yet with my reason against my fury do I take part: the rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance. Go release them, Lisala. My charms I'll break, their senses I'll restore, and they shall be themselves.
LISALA	I'll fetch them.
[Exits]
MICHAELD	You readers of porn, short and long, web pages and sites, you that on the net with traceless nyms do chase the ebbing Eros and do spank him when he comes, you sock-puppets that by theft do the nameless stories post, whereof the author is not aware, and you whose pastime is to make midnight trolls, that rejoice to hear the solemn "You've got mail," I have deceived. This rough porn I here abjure, and, when I have required some heavenly prose, which even now I do, to work mine end upon their senses that this airy tale is for, I'll break my pen, bury it certain fathoms in the earth, and deeper than did ever plummet sound, I'll drown my disks.
[Solemn music]
[Re-enter LISALA before, then UTHER, with a frantic gesture, attended by BRONWEN; JANEY and RICHARD in like manner, attended by SHON and MALINOV they all enter the circle which MICHAELD had made, and there stand charmed]
BRONWEN	All torment, trouble, wonder, and amazement inhabits here. Some heavenly power guide us out of this fearful office!
MICHAELD	Behold, sir king, the wronged Duke of Mf, MichaelD. And to thee and thy company I bid a hearty welcome.
UTHER	Thou pardon me my wrongs. But how should MichaelD be living and be here?
BRONWEN	Whether this be or be not, I'll not swear.
MICHAELD	You do yet taste some subtleties of the net, that will not let you believe things certain. Welcome, my friends all! [Aside to RICHARD] But you, were I so minded, I here could drop thy reader's frowns upon thee. Let them hearken to this tale; 'tis more than it appears.
RICHARD	[Aside] The devil speaks in him.
MICHAELD	No, for you, most wicked sir, whom to call brother would even infect my system, I do forgive thy rankest fault, for in my absence, cheerleaders have begun to infect the 'group. I require my old stories of thee, which perforce, I know, thou must restore.
UTHER	If thou be'st MichaelD, give us particulars of thy preservation. How thou hast met us here, who three hours since were wrecked upon this nest, where I have lost my dear Katie?
MICHAELD	In equal spirits, for I have lost my daughter too.
UTHER	A daughter? O heavens, that they were living both in ASSD. How did you lose your daughter?
MICHAELD	In this last tempest. I perceive readers at this tale do so much admire that they devour their reason, and scarce think their eyes offices of truth; let them look beyond the pixels. Howsoever you have been jostled from your senses, know for certain that I am MichaelD and more, that very duke which was thrust forth from Mf. Though I, most strangely upon this office, where you were wrecked, was landed, to be the lord on it, I never truly left the 'group. Yon Richard was not who he seemed. And thus have I my dukedom seized again, I will requite you with as good a thing, and bring forth a wonder, to content ye as much.
[Here MICHAELD reveals KATIE MCN and KIVI in bed]
KIVI	Sweet lady, you play me false with me.
KATIE MCN	No, my dearest love, I would not for the world.
KIVI	Yes, for a score of strap-ons you should wrangle, and I would call it fair play.
UTHER	If this prove a vision of the office, one dear daughter shall I twice lose.
JANEY	A most high miracle!
KATIE MCN	Though the skies threaten, they are merciful; I have cursed them without cause. [Kneels]
UTHER	Now all the blessings of a glad father compass thee about! Arise, and say how thou camest here.
KIVI	O, wonder! How many goodly creatures are there here! O brave newsgroup, that has such people in it!
MICHAELD	'Tis news to thee; 'tis porn to others.
UTHER	What is this maid with whom thou wast abed? Your eldest acquaintance cannot be three hours; is she the goddess that hath severed us, and brought us thus together?
KATIE MCN	Sir, she is mortal, but by immortal Providence she's mine. She is daughter to this famous Duke of Mf.
UTHER	[To KATIE MCN and KIVI] Give me your hands. Let grief and sorrow still embrace his heart that doth not wish you joy!
BRONWEN	Be it so! Amen!
[Re-enter LISALA, with LOUIE and Leprechauns amazedly following]
	O, look, sir, look, sir! Here is more of us. What is the news?
LOUIE	The news is that we have safely found our king and company; the next, our train, which, but three glasses since, we gave out crashed, is fit and upright as when we first set out.
LISALA	[Aside to MICHAELD] Sir, all this service have I done since I went.
MICHAELD	[Aside to LISALA] My tricksy spirit!
UTHER	This is as strange a tale as ever men heard.
MICHAELD	[Aside to LISALA] Come hither, spirit, set Fast Show and his companions free; untie the spell.
[Exit LISALA]
	How fares my gracious sir? There are yet missing of your company some few odd lads that you remember not.
[Re-enter LISALA, driving in FAST SHOW, NICK and ANTAEUS]
NICK	Every man post for all the rest, and let no man flame himself; for all is but fortune.
ANTAEUS	If these be true eyes which I wear in my head, here's a goodly sight.
FAST SHOW	O Gates, these be brave spirits indeed! How fine my master is! I am afraid he will chastise me.
JANEY	Ha, ha! What things are these, my lord Richard? Will money buy 'em?
RICHARD	Very like; one of them is a plain troll, and, no doubt marketable.
MICHAELD	This mis-shapen troll, his mother was a witch, and one so strong that her flames could control the sun. These three have plotted to take my life. Two of these fellows you must know and own; this thing of darkness! Acknowledge mine.
FAST SHOW	I shall be flamed to death.
UTHER	Is not this Nick, my drunken butler?
JANEY	He is drunk now. Where had he wine?
UTHER	And Antaeus is reeling ripe. Where should they find this grand liquor that hath gilded 'em?
ANTAEUS	I have been in such a pickle since I saw you last that, I fear me, will never out of my bones. I shall not fear fly- blowing.
JANEY	Why, how now, Nick!
NICK	O, touch me not; I am not Nick, but a cramp.
UTHER	[Pointing to FAST SHOW] This is a strange thing as e'er I look'd on.
MICHAELD	He is as disproportion'd in his manners as in his posts.
FAST SHOW	Ay, that I will; and I'll be wise hereafter and seek for grace.
MICHAELD	Go to, away!
UTHER	Hence, and bestow your posts where you found them.
[Exeunt FAST SHOW, NICK, and ANTAEUS]
MICHAELD	Sir, I invite your highness and your train to my poor office, where you shall take your rest for this one night.
UTHER	I long to hear the story of your life, which must take the ear strangely.
MICHAELD	I'll deliver all, and promise you calm skies, auspicious winds, and expeditious rail that shall bear your royal train far off. Then to my Mf, I shall retire, where my third thought shall be my tales. [Aside to LISALA] Lisala, that is thy charge, then to the elements be free, and fare thou well!
[Exeunt]

EPILOGUE

[Spoken by MichaelD]

Now my masks are all o'erthrown,

and what stories I have are mine own,

which is most faint. Now, 'tis true,

I must be here indulged by you,

or sent from ASS. Will you not,

since I Richard's author-ship have got,

pardon the deceiver? I dwell

in this fine 'group by your spell;

gentle posts of yours my sails

must fill, or else my project fails,

which was to please. Now I want

tales to enforce, art to enchant,

and my ending is despair,

unless I be relieved by prayer,

which pierces so that it assaults

Mercy itself and frees all faults.

As you from crimes would pardon'd be,

Let your indulgence set me free.

* * *