Characters:

• Einstein - the titular head of the show
• Vicki Hubert - newsreader
• Staci Dylan (aka Dylan) - resident lesbian
• Jay Hart and Chris Cooper - male crazies
• Mikey D - producer

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--3:06 PM--

EINSTEIN: Hey, kids! What time is it? (sounder: "It's Einstein time!") That's right! And today we've got Ariel Winter from Modern Family. She's here to promote her first ever nude spread in Playdate. What? Oh my God! Alex Dunphy, butt naked in the pages of Playdate magazine?

JAY HART: Well, damn, did you see her in one of her Halloween costumes?

EINSTEIN: I didn't.

JAY: She's smokin' hot, Einstein.

EINSTEIN: And now she'll be without costume.

JAY: Or any damn thing else. Well, has anyone seen it?

CHRIS COOPER: Oh, I did. God damn, I love her ass!

EINSTEIN: Really?

CHRIS: I don't wanna give it all away before she gets here. But this is definitely one you want to check out.

JAY: Aw, fuck!

MIKE DANIELS aka MIKEY D: Now, Jay, we don't want to lose the interview. Besides, at least you get to see the pics when she's here."

JAY: That's true.

EINSTEIN: I also understand that we've got a young lady that wants to be evaluated for Playdate as well.

CHRIS: Do we know how young?

MIKEY D: She's twelve years old.

EINSTEIN: Twelve years old. Any idea as to the boobs on her?

MIKEY D: Einstein, you know I never see these girls in advance.

EINSTEIN: Just checking. Besides, you....might have seen her.

MIKEY D: And if I did, I wouldn't tell you.

EINSTEIN: Of course, you wouldn't. And let's see what else we have.

MIKEY D: Oh, remember yesterday when Dylan said she was a great speller?

EINSTEIN: Yeah, and you were hoping to have a spelling contest or something.

MIKEY D: Well, a couple of girls called after the show and they're coming to the studio.

EINSTEIN: Awesome! Do we know how many are coming?

MIKEY D: I think four. I'm hoping for four anyway.

EINSTEIN: Me, too! Fuck, I'd like seven. Maybe seventy-two virgins or something crazy. Well, they can't all fit in here. I guess we'll settle for four.

MIKEY D: Good. The last thing I need is to piss off the Muslims.

EINSTEIN: Vicki, do you have some news for us? Get me out of this mess.

VICKI HUBERT: Again? How are you always in a mess?

EINSTEIN: My big fat, fucking mouth or Mikey D's.

VICKI: A church day care in California was shut down after a four-year-old boy reported to his dad that a five-year-old girl had given him a blow job.

EINSTEIN: Wait. So a little girl gives a boy a blow job and you shut down a day care?

VICKI: Yeah, his daddy was quite pissed. Oh so crying on camera that his little boy was going to become a predator.

EINSTEIN: Why's he worried about that? Has he ever seen what we do around here? Or heard it?

VICKI: That's a good question.

MIKEY D: Hey, Einstein!

EINSTEIN: Yes, Mikey D?

MIKEY D: Do you think the dad might have a different thought if the five-year-old blew him?

EINSTEIN: Oh, hell yeah!

MIKEY D: I know I wouldn't turn her down.

VICKI: Anyway, the whole story was on ABC, and did that father ever turn on the water works.

STACI DYLAN aka DYLAN: Yeah, I'll give him the water works from my pussy.

EINSTEIN: Now, Dylan, do you really hate guys that much?

DYLAN: Some of them.

EINSTEIN: I mean, I know you're a lesbian. But I wasn't sure if it was because you hated guys or not.

DYLAN: I don't really hate guys. I just find women more appealing.

EINSTEIN: You like the nice asses as much as we guys do.

DYLAN: Fuckin' hell yeah! I think I just appreciate the female form better. I mean, I know guys like to show off their penises for me. But gimme some tits and pussy

EINSTEIN: I can tell I've got you turned on.

DYLAN: Maybe when Ariel gets here, I can talk her into a little somethin' somethin'. Why do you think I love hangin' out here with you guys?

EINSTEIN: Whoa! You and Ariel right here in the studio? That would be really damn hot.

DYLAN: Scorching fucking hot!

EINSTEIN: Damn! All that's coming up and more on "The Einstein Show". Right now, Selena Gomez wants you to "Come and Get It". Or maybe "Cum and Stick It In."

("Come and Get It" plays)

EINSTEIN: Selena Gomez on "The Einstein Show".

MIKEY D: Hey, one of the spelling bee girls just came in.

EINSTEIN: Oh good! When are we going to do the spelling bee?

MIKEY D: 3:30.

EINSTEIN: So about fifteen more minutes.

MIKEY D: Yeah.

EINSTEIN: When the hell does Ariel get here?

MIKEY D: I think she'll be here at 4.

EINSTEIN: Anyway, you can always call the show at 1-855-EINSTEIN. That's 1-855-346-7834. Questions....comments.....dirty jokes.....that's 1-855-EINSTEIN. We got

to take a break before we get really behnd on our sponsors. More of "The Einstein Show" coming up!

--3:19 PM--

EINSTEIN: Okay, Mikey D just told me that all the girls are here for the spelling bee.

DYLAN: Awesome! Bring on the pussy!

JAY: I wish we didn't have to wait.

EINSTEIN: Hey, we want listeners, right?

JAY: Yep!

EINSTEIN: Well, unless you got one of them phones with a radio app on it, they probably can't hear us. So......just be patient. That's why I love this job. I got three lady hungry people just waiting for the next pussy to walk in the door. Colton, you're on the air with Einstein and the crazy bunch.

COLTON: Hey, Einstein! I got this big test coming up tomorrow in History class.

EINSTEIN: Uh-huh. What's it about?

COLTON: It's on something called the Watergate Scandal.

JAY: Oh, Watergate! Oh, yeah!

EINSTEIN: Now, when we say Watergate, are we talking about like Nixon?

COLTON: Yeah, Nixon.

VICKI: Why would you question him like that?

EINSTEIN: 'Cause I wanted to be sure it didn't have anything to do with the clown we got now.

VICKI: C'mon now! That's my bro you're talkin' about.

EINSTEIN: Shit, he ain't your brother! More like brother from another mother. And dumb as fuck!

VICKI: Einstein!

EINSTEIN: Hey, he should have known about them rogue agents in the tax office. He should have known about the wiretapping. There's a lot of shit he should have known. And then he didn't do fuck about it. Anyway, Colton, sorry for the outburst. Did you have a question about it?

COLTON: Oh, that's okay, Einstein. Anyway, I was wondering which one was the Chief of Staff.

CHRIS: H. R. Haldeman.

EINSTEIN: He was the boss man?

CHRIS: Yep, he was. And just as crooked as the other dopes in the seventies.

COLTON: Thanks, Einstein!

EINSTEIN: Thanks for calling, Colton! Good luck on your test! Let's see who else is on.......Sarah, calling in from Connecticut, you're on with Einstein.

SARAH: Hi, Einstein!

EINSTEIN: Well, hi there, Sarah. Whatcha doin' today?

SARAH: Nuttin'! Just lis'nin' to you.

EINSTEIN: Awesome.

SARAH: Oh, I'm havin' a slumber party tomorrow night.

EINSTEIN: A slumber party! And you didn't invite me?

SARAH: You're a boy, silly.

DYLAN: Hey, Sarah, I'd love to come. And trust me I ain't no boy. I got the pussy to prove it.

SARAH: How do I know what you look like?

DYLAN: Have you been to the website?

SARAH: No.

DYLAN: Okay, well, when you get home, get on your computer and go to einsteinshow.net. Then you'll see on there something that says "Cast of Crazies". Go there and find my name, and click on it. Several pictures in there of me. Even a few in a bikini.

SARAH: Ooooh! I like! I'll hafta do dat.

EINSTEIN: What are you doing, Dylan? This is like turning a seven-year-old into a lezzie?

DYLAN: Hey, I can't help it. Besides, I was hoping if I could go, I might have gotten pictures for you.

EINSTEIN: Ah! Well, we got to take a break for real news. Then when we get back, we're going to have an Einstein spelling bee. I think it's safe to say there's gonna be lots of clothes dropping. Which if you don't have a subscription to "Einstein 24/7", you won't get to see live. And it's just $6.95 a month, or $49.95 a year. A lot of entertainment for not a lot of money. Back with more of "The Einstein Show" after this!

--3:34 PM--

EINSTEIN: We're back and we're just about to start the Einstein Spelling Bee. We have four girls in our studio. They're all miked up and ready. Girls, just quickly introduce yourselves.

RHONDA MILLER: Hi, Einstein, I'm Rhonda Miller. I'm ten years old and I live in New York City.

EINSTEIN: Awesome! Who's next.

KATHERINE HATHAWAY: I'm Katherine Hathaway. I'm fourteen years old, and I live on Long Island.

EINSTEIN: Damn! I look at you and I hope you miss. Sorry. I should tell you that she's pretty thin. Almost pencil thin.

AIMEE MAY: Hey, Einstein, I'm Aimee and I'm ten years old. I'm from Queens.

EINSTEIN: A Queens girl! Nice! And finally....

JANELL CANTRELL: I'm Janell Cantrell, and I'm twelve years old from Jersey City.

EINSTEIN: Janell Cantrell. Did your parents name you that on purpose?

JANELL: You mean so it rhymes?

EINSTEIN: Yeah

JANELL: I asked them one time and they said no.

EINSTEIN: Really....it didn't occur to them?

JANELL: Nope!

EINSTEIN: Well, thank you girls for coming in and putting your clothes and dignity on the line. Now, Mikey D, what are the rules?

MIKEY D: Rules are pretty simple. You'll give them a word. If they get it right, you move on. If they miss, they have to take something off, and you'll pass the word on to the next girl. Now, each girl is permitted six pieces of clothing. Like socks, shoes, skirt or pants, blouse or t-shirt, some kind of undershirt or bra, and then panties. The winner is the one with the most clothes on when time is called or if we have three barenaked ladies.

EINSTEIN: Alright! So, ladies, good luck! We'll start with Rhonda and just go down the line. Okay, Rhonda, your first word is flute.

RHONDA: Flute...f-l-u-t-e. Flute!

EINSTEIN: That's right. (Ding!) Okay, Katherine, spell theme.

KATHERINE: Theme....t-h-e-m-e. Theme.

EINSTEIN: (Ding!) Two for two so far. Okay, Aimee, your word is cloudy.

AIMEE: Cloudy.....c-l-o-u-d-y. Cloudy.

EINSTEIN: (Ding!) Boy I can't fool you girls. Okay, Janell, her comes your word.....pants.

JANELL: Pants....p-a-n-t-s. Pants!

EINSTEIN: (Ding!) Four for four. Okay, all the easy words are out of the way. Time to get down and dirty. Rhonda, spell potatoes.

RHONDA: Potatoes....p-o-t-a-t-o......s. Potatoes.

EINSTEIN: (BZZZZ) Nope! Take something off.

RHONDA: Oh, what should I take off?

Rhonda slips her shoes off

EINSTEIN: Rhonda's trying to hold on as long as she can, I can tell. Katherine, can you spell potatoes?

KATHERINE: P-o-t-a-t-o-e-s. Potatoes.

EINSTEIN: (Ding!) Right on! Aimee....spell flaming.

AIMEE: Flaming....f-l-a-m-e-i-n-g. Flaming.

EINSTEIN: (BZZZZ) Sorry, now you gotta take something off.

Aimee takes her shoes off as well

EINSTEIN: Janell, can you spell flaming?

JANELL: Flaming....f-l-a-m-i-n-g. Flaming.

EINSTEIN: (Ding!) Yep, that's right. And now we go back to Rhonda, who's now down a pair of shoes.

RHONDA: Yeah, I can't miss the next one.

EINSTEIN: Yeah, then you'll really be in trouble. Okay, spell polling.

RHONDA: Polling.....can you put that in a sentence?

EINSTEIN: Gallup makes their living polling Americans.

RHONDA: Polling.......p-o.....l....i-n-g. Polling/

EINSTEIN: (BZZZZ) Nope. Now what are you taking off?

RHONDA: I guess my socks. Really don't wanna take my pants or shirt off yet.,

Rhonda removes her socks

EINSTEIN: Things may be getting interesting when we come back to you, Rhonda. Katherine, can you spell polling?

KATHERINE: Polling.....p-o-l-e-i-n-g. Polling.

EINSTEIN: (BZZZZ) No, I think that's what happens at The Clubhouse. I need to bring some of the girls here.

JAY: What's The Clubhouse?

EINSTEIN: It's a strip club, but all of the strippers are under 18.

CHRIS: Oh really?

EINSTEIN: Yeah, you wanna go out after the show?

JAY: What about Andrea?

EINSTEIN: Well, she can come along, too.

DYLAN: Did you say strippers?

EINSTEIN: Yeah, you want to come check them out with us?

DYLAN: Sure I'm game for that.

EINSTEIN: I'll see if they can give you a lap dance.

VICKI: Wait a minute. Aren't I invited, too?

EINSTEIN: Yeah, all the staff is going.

VICKI: Oh! I thought you were trying to leave me out.

EINSTEIN: Oh, never, Vicki. I'd never leave you out of anything.

VICKI: Well, thank you, Einstein.

EINSTEIN: Aimee, spell polling and get me out of this.

AIMEE: P-o-l-l-i-n-g? Polling?

EINSTEIN: (Ding!) Right! Oh, and Katherine, I forgot to tell you to take something off.

Katherine unbuttons her shirt

EINSTEIN: Wow, look at that body!

Katherine finishes unbuttoning and removes her shirt

EINSTEIN: Holy mother of God, would you look at that? (Fanfare sounder) She's really thin, but still has a nice set of boobs. Okay, Janell, spell scheme.

JANELL: Scheme....s-k-e-e-m. Scheme.

EINSTEIN: (BZZZZ) Nope.

RHONDA: Oh shit!

Janell removes her shoes

EINSTEIN: Okay, so Janell took her shoes off. Rhonda, can you spell scheme?

RHONDA: Scheme....s-k-e-e-m-e.

EINSTEIN: (BZZZZ) No again. Now....let's see here. Lemme take a poll of my staff. Should she take her shirt off or her pants? Those voting for shirt?

JAY: Aye!

EINSTEIN: Just one? How about pants.

CHRIS: Aye!

DYLAN: Aye aye!

VICKI: Aye three?

MIKEY D: Aye four!

EINSTEIN: So it's four to one to take the pants off.

RHONDA: Oh, fuck......

Rhonda hesitates, but removes her pants

DYLAN: Oh baby, yeah! Cute as fuck underwear, too.

EINSTEIN: Oh, you like the green and teal panties.

DYLAN: Fuck yeah!

EINSTEIN: Katherine, try to get this word right. Scheme.

KATHERINE: Scheme is s-c-h-e-m-e. Scheme.

EINSTEIN: (Ding!) Yay! I can finally get to the next word. Aimee, spell wordiness.

AIMEE: Wordiness.....w-o-r-d-y-n-e-s-s. Wordiness?

EINSTEIN: (BZZZZ) Nope.

Aimee takes her socks off.

DYLAN: You know, I kinda wished Katherine missed the last word. I thought she might show us her little lady lumps.

EINSTEIN: Maybe if I found harder words. Okay, Janell, spell wordiness.

JANELL: Wordiness....w-o-r-d-i-n-e-s-s. Wordiness.

EINSTEIN: Wow! (Ding!) Janell and Katherine are doing pretty good. Aimee's doing not too bad right now. Rhonda's.....Rhonda's not in a good situation. The conclusion of the Einstein Spelling Bee when we come back on "The Einstein Show".

--3:48 PM--

EINSTEIN: Back with more of the Einstein Spelling Bee. We've gotten through four rounds down the line. And we'll try to get some more without getting interrupted by the band. Rhonda's not doing so good. But let's try to get back on track with this word.....climate.

RHONDA: Climate. Can you put it in a sentence?

EINSTEIN: We live in a fucking hot climate.

RHONDA: Climate. Can you define it?

EINSTEIN: The composite or generally prevailing weather conditions of a region, as temperature, air pressure, humidity, precipitation, sunshine, cloudiness, and winds, throughout the year, averaged over a series of years.

RHONDA: Climate....c-l-i-m-e-t-e. Climate.

EINSTEIN: (BZZZZ) Sorry, that's not right.

DYLAN: In that case, it's time for them panties to come off.

EINSTEIN: I think we all agree with Dylan. Take off them panties.

Rhonda really thinks about it, then decides to take her panties off and show her bare little pussy.

EINSTEIN: (Long fanfare) I see pussy.

DYLAN: Her pussy looks delish.

EINSTEIN: Wait, before we go to Katherine, turn around. I wanna see that bare ass.

DYLAN: Fuck, we all do.

Rhonda turns around and shows the crew her rear end.

DYLAN: Woohoo!!

EINSTEIN: Let the record show that Rhonda's full round ass has the seal of approval from Dylan, the resident lesbian. Okay, Katherine, it's your turn to try climate.

Rhonda faces Einstein again.

KATHERINE: Climate....c-l-i-m-a-t-e. Climate.

EINSTEIN: (Ding!) Nice going, Katherine!

KATHERINE: Thank you.

EINSTEIN: Alright, Aimee, we come back to you and your word is quirky.

AIMEE: Quirky.....k-w-i-r-k-y. Quirky.

EINSTEIN: (BZZZZ) Nope.

AIMEE: Awww, damn!

Aimee decides after careful deliberation to take her skirt off.

EINSTEIN: My, it looks like Aimee also has an inviting little kitty herself. Janell, try quirky.

JANELL: Quirky.....q-u-i-r-k-y. Quirky.

EINSTEIN: (Ding!) You know I'm just starting to notice that the two ten-year-olds are the ones losing their clothes. Let's try one last round.

MIKEY D: Hey, Einstein, how about if they lose the spelling bee, they have to take it all off?

EINSTEIN: Mikey D, are you reading my mind again?

MIKEY D: Well, we've been together how long now?

EINSTEIN: We've been doing this show for a couple of years. Okay, you heard him. Rhonda....I think poor Rhonda's gonna end up naked anyway. But try this word. It's manageability.

RHONDA: Oh fuck! Manageability. M-a-n-a-g-a-b-i-l-i-t-y. Manageability.

EINSTEIN: (BZZZZ) Nope. Go ahead and take it all off.

Rhonda takes off her t-shirt and her training bra. For now she's the only fully naked girl in the studio

EINSTEIN: Rhonda is fully naked now, and damn not half bad.

RHONDA: You like?

EINSTEIN: Yes, we do. You see Dylan smiling.

RHONDA: Aww...thanks, guys.

EINSTEIN: We have three more to get through. Katherine's got a chance to win this. She's only missed one. So has Janell. So this could be close. But Katherine can try manageability.

KATHERINE: M-a-n-a-g-e-a-b-i-l-i-t-y. Manageability.

EINSTEIN: (Ding!) You're still in the running. Aimee, I'll let you try one word for fun, but you're gonna have to strip. Try vantage.

AIMEE: Vantage...v-a-n-t-a-g-e. Vantage.

EINSTEIN: (Ding!) Indeed you're right. But you lost, so take them off.

Aimee strips down removing her button-down shirt first, then her training bra, and finally her panties.

EINSTEIN: Another beautifully naked girl. Okay, Janell, here's the deal. You and Katherine are tied. So if you miss now, you lose. If you're right, we'll go to a tiebreaker.

JANELL: Okay. No pressure.

EINSTEIN: I know...only your modesty is at stake. And maybe your reputation. Spell inimitable.

JANELL: Say that again?

EINSTEIN: Inimitable.

JANELL: Inimitable....i-n-i-m-e-t-a-b-l-e. Inimitable.

EINSTEIN: (BZZZZ) I'm sorry, that's wrong. Take it all off, Janell. Katherine's the winner! (Fanfare)

As the fanfare plays, Janell takes off all of her clothes. Her little pussy sports a touch of blonde hair to match the blonde on Janell's head.

EINSTEIN: And as the winner, Mikey D, what has Katherine won?

MIKEY D: Well, as you know, summer is almost here, and so we managed to get from our friends at EveryonesVacation a trip for four to DisneyWorld for a week.

KATHERINE: Oh my God!

MIKEY D: We got you the best deal. All your meals are paid, as well as your hotel, which is on Disney property. You can go wherever you please with the park hopper passes. And everyone is getting a promotional pack from us, including a crop-top t-shirt. Tell everyone you were on "The Einstein Show".

EINSTEIN: How do you like that, Katherine?

KATHERINE: Oh, I'm just totally speechless. I never expected to win such a great prize. Thank you.

EINSTEIN: Well thank you and the other girls for coming on down and trying their luck at the spelling bee. How about a hand for all the girls for sacrificing their modesty and dignity.

The crew applauds and a recorded applause file plays

EINSTEIN: We'll make sure to get take some pictures and put them on the website. We need to get one more break in here. Back in a flash!

--3:57 PM--

EINSTEIN: Well, this was a fun hour, and it gets better. Ariel Winter from ABC's Modern Family is coming in and she'll be talking about her new spread in Playdate magazine. And maybe some other fun things from the set. And then we have another girl who wants to pose for Playdate. I don't suppose Ariel could stay and watch. Anyway, all that's coming up on "The Einstein Show" after the local news!