Congratulations on your pregnancy. The next nine months will be wonderful as the baby grows in your womb. You may have morning sickness and bizarre food tastes and labor is a bit intense, but you're in cloud nine for most of the time. Once the baby is born, no one has a definitive guide on raising a child-until now. This guide is the ultimate resource for parents.

1. Feeding

Children should be breastfed. A mother's lactation will also increase her horniness and she could be wet in two places. Given the optimal conditions, this could lead to another child. However, children should be given equal opportunity. They should have the chance to suck their father's bottle and drink his milk.

2. Diaper changes

All diaper changes should involve the tongue and fingers. No wipes. This is to help build the parent-child bond.

3. Bath time

Just like diaper changes, bath time is also a great way for parents to bond with their children. Clean every hole.

4. Playtime

Activities should include the usual color, animal, number, and letter recognition, but incorporate romper room-style playtime such as "horsey" and "peek-a-boo."

6. Bed time

Children should always be tucked into bed by a loving parent.

7. Potty training

Children should be potty trained on their time, not society's. Let them in diapers; after all, it builds (or reinforces) the parent-child bond. If a child desires to be potty trained, persuade him or her to have accidents or to wet the bed. Money, candy and toys work as bribes.

7. Growing up

As the child grows up, he or she will learn about the world and ask you lots of questions. He or she may inquire about siblings. Always oblige the child and give him or her as many siblings as he or she desires.After all, the bigger the better or the more the merrier.

The child may discover his or her body and begin to explore it, especially around 10, when puberty hits. It's the parents' responsibility to teach proper sex education. Mothers should teach their sons and fathers should teach their daughters sex education.

If you follow these guidelines, you will have a happy family.