Sunday, May 13 2001

It's my experience that there are not many lesbians or even heterosexual females who have desires for children. A couple of years ago when I was younger and before I met Nikki, I used to go out more often. I went to lesbian places and met many lesbians and even had loving relationships with some of them, though they didn't last for various reasons. But I never met another woman who was attracted to children. It was quite frustrating since I really hoped to find a soul mate and I thought girls with feelings like mine would be easy to find in the lesbian community. But it wasn't so. However many of them find teen and early teen girls very sexy and many of them have memories of early sexuality. It was very interesting to listen to some of their stories. For example I loved to listen to my ex-girlfriend about games she used to play with girls from her neighbourhood when she was little.

I think it's easier to get away with being a female girl lover. Nowadays most childcare workers are women and it's not unusual to see a woman in care of children, unlike men who are always looked upon with suspicion whenever they're around children and especially little girls. But that's as far as "getting away with it" goes. Even women are prosecuted if there's any suspicion or if a child tells someone about it. That's why I think it's always important to find open-minded parents who trust their child to make decisions for herself. If male girl lovers succeed in this then they will see that there are no big differences between male and female girl lovers.

There are women who have sexual feelings for children and other women or even men at the same time and it's easier for them to repress these feelings because they always have an option to fall in love with someone older. I think most people find children attractive. That's why parents love their children and care for them, although they experience this attraction on a smaller scale than we do. I bet most adults felt aroused at one point or another by a child but it's easier for them to push it away and forget about it.

I have other hobbies beside Nikki. I like taking photographs and I even did a short photography course. I love art and I take every chance I have to take Nikki to galleries or museums. It's great fun! Beside photography, I enjoy gardening but because I live in a flat I have only a few flower plants that I take care of on my balcony. Mostly I don't have a lot of time to pursue various hobbies and I would always rather spend time with Nikki than do anything else.

Yes it's nice to have friends you can talk to about your feelings, but most of my friends don't understand it or don't accept it so talking to them is like talking to a brick wall. But it's still better than having no one to talk to. I went through a phase when I tried to apologize and feel sorry for who I am but it only made things worse. People like to hurt you then even more because they think you can't defend yourself. When writing about things like this I feel sad that we're forced to live without being able to express our feelings or show our love. There is no other minority in the world that is not allowed to love someone! I wonder if this will ever change.