Secrets Kept
by John O'Connor
Disclaimer:  Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the
property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom,
 MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko 
Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes
only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright
 infringement is intended. The original characters,
situations, and story are the property of the author.
Rating: PG-13.
After a near-disastrous summit with the
Tok'ra, Janet comes to comfort Sam.
Note: Spoilers for the fourth season episode "Divide
and Conquer."
Samantha Carter sat with her face buried in her hands.
It had been one hell of a day. She was experiencing
alternating feelings of relief, anquish, fear, and
pity. She hadn't felt this horrible since Jolinar
died. She just wanted to lay down and die.
The summit between the Tok'ra and the President had
ended up being a success, though it cost three people
their lives. And one friend's career had been
jeopardized and his feelings stomped on. And, lastly,
her career could be over as well.
Was it worth it? Was an alliance between the United
States and the Tok'ra worth the cost? 'Please God, let
it be,' she pleaded silently.
Sam's thoughts drifted back several hours to one of
the labs that the Tok'ra had set aside for testing the
SGC members for Za'Toch programming by the Goa'uld.
Everyone in the complex had passed the test by the
Tok'ra's lie detector except Jack O'Neill and herself.
Sam, while being sedated by Janet Fraiser, had
realized that neither of them had told the truth about
the events in the Goa'uld warship and that was the
reason the device seemed to indicate they were
Za'Toch.
She had convinced Janet and than Anise, the Tok'ra
scientist in charge of the scans, to retest both of
them. Jack, when asked a second time what had happened
in the Goa'uld ship, admitted that he couldn't leave
Sam trapped behind a Goa'uld force field because he
had feelings for her. Feelings beyond team loyalty and
friendship. An admission that could damage, even
destroy, Jack O'Neill's career in the Air Force and
with the SGC.
Sam, for her part, also admitted to having feelings
but not for Jack. She merely said that she cared
deeply for someone else and couldn't return his love.
Anise checked the device's readings and declared that
neither were Za'Toch. Relieved, Sam promised Jack that
they wouldn't speak of this outside of that room.
Fortunately, the only others present were Teal'c,
whose loyalty to Jack was undeniable, and Janet. She
would keep silent using doctor/patient confidentiality
if questioned.
Martouf, Jolinar's lover, was the Za'Toch. When he was
fatally wounded, Sam held him in her arms as he died.
At first all she felt was a hollowness, but this
rapidly changed to grief. She hadn't loved Martouf,
but she still had residual emotions from Jolinar and
it caused the grief to be almost unbearable.
Now, though she still mourned Martouf, she had
partially quelled Jolinar's feelings. Sam was more
concerned with the colonel and how he was doing but
she couldn't face him yet. Hell, she couldn't even
call him by name in her mind.
She wouldn't admit to herself what the real problem
was that was tearing her apart. But she was forced to
confront it.
A gentle knocking at her door brought her head up. Her
eyes were red from weeping but the tears had finally
stopped. She didn't want to see anyone so she decided
to ignore it, hoping whoever was there would just go
away.
The knock came again followed by a gentle, familiar
voice. "Sam? Sam? C'mon, open the door," Janet Fraiser
called. "I know you haven't left the mountain."
'Go away, Janet,' Sam thought. 'Please, just go away.'
"Sam? Please open the door."
'God, do me this favor, please. I can't see her now. I
can't deal with all of this. Please?' she prayed.
"Sam, I'm not leaving until you open this door!" The
knocking came again. "Dammit, Sam! Open the goddammed
door!"
Sam had to smile weakly when she heard Janet swear.
The doctor was the patron saint of self-control. For
her to curse, she must be upset.
Resigned to her immediate fate, Sam rose and unlocked
the door. Pulling it open slightly, she looked at
Janet and said, "I'm here, Janet. But I want to be
alone. Please."
Janet, concern in her eyes, said, "Sam? You look like
hell. May I come in?"
"No Janet. I really don't want to see anyone right
now." 'Especially you.'
Sam tried closing the door, but Janet pushed back
against it. "Sam, I really don't think you should be
alone right now."
Sam barked a harsh laugh, "Is that your medical
opinion?" She immediately regretted her words when she
saw the hurt look in those caring eyes. "I'm sorry,
Janet. But..."
"Sam, I could make this a medical issue, but I'd
rather just help out a friend. Please, let me help,"
Janet said.
Stepping back, Sam let the door swing open. Janet
stepped in quietly, closing the door behind her. She
sat next to Sam on the cot. Taking the distraught
woman's hand gently, she asked, "Do you want to talk
about it?" Sam quietly shook her head, her eyes locked
on a spot on the floor. "Okay. I'll just sit here with
you. Is that alright?" Sam gave a slow nod, her eyes
still locked on the floor.
Janet, still holding Sam's hand, put her left arm
around Sam's shoulders and Sam fell against her. She
felt her friend quivering. They sat like this for a
long time, as Sam slowly stopped quaking. Janet began
to wonder if she had fallen asleep.
"Janet?"
"Yes, hon?"
"I feel so horrible now. I hurt the colo...Jack.
Martouf is dead. And I, uh, I just don't know..."
"Ssh." Janet rested her cheek on the top of Sam's head
comfortingly, the blond hair soft on her cheek. "I'm
sorry about Martouf. I know how much he meant to
Jolinar and..." Janet stopped as she considered
something.
"Is he the one you were referring..." Janet's question
was cut off when Sam shook her head slightly against
the doctor's shoulder.
"No. Martouf was a friend, that's all," Sam whispered,
knowing Janet was referring to her forced confession.
"I don't want to talk about that, please."
"Alright. And don't worry about the colonel. He's a
strong man and will be fine. He's more concerned about
you." Janet wanted to retract her words when she felt
Sam stiffen under her.
Janet took Sam's shoulders and pulled her up to look
into her haunted eyes. "Alright, Sam. Face up to it.
Jack O'Neill cares for you. Maybe he even loves you.
And you don't love him. Alright, it happens. You'll
both get over it. But don't agonize over it."
"Damnit, Janet! I can't help it! I want to feel that
way. Believe me. It'd be so much easier." Sam stopped
and looked away. "I can't love him and he deserves
someone to love."
"Sam, do you want to tell me?" Janet asked gently. "Do
you want to tell me who you love? You know I won't say
anything, but I may be able to help if I know who it
is."
Sam looked into those dark, sympathetic eyes. She
opened her mouth to speak but nothing could come out.
Shaking her head, Sam said, "I can't. Janet, it could
mean my career. And..."
Janet began to sense what Sam had been holding in.
Taking her hands again, she asked, "Sam, is it a
woman?" Sam, looking frightened, finally nodded. Janet
squeezed her hands in reassurance. "Is it Anise?" At
the look in Sam's eyes, Janet breathed out a quiet
sigh. "Good. She's a real bitch!" She was happy to
notice the small smile on Sam's face.
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to,"
Janet said, then smiled. She added with a smile, "But
I have to admit, I am curious."
Sam just stared at Janet without saying anything.
Janet blinked as she realized who Sam loved.
Swallowing past a lump that suddenly formed in her
throat, "Is it me?"
Sam looked down and nodded, saying meekly, "Yes, it's
you. I'm sorry..."
Janet remembered when Sam was being questioned the
second time and said she cared for someone else, Sam
was looking right at her in the control booth. "When
you looked at me in the booth, I thought it was
because you needed a friendly face. I never would've
believed..."
Sam's eyes teared up again as she tried to apologize.
"I'm sorry, Janet. I never meant for you to know. I
never wanted to hurt you or..."
Janet took Sam's face gently in her hands, "You
didn't. I could never say anything either, but now..."
Janet hesitated then said, "I've been in love with you
since shortly after Cassie came into our lives. Maybe
even before that."
Sam looked puzzled before it dawned on her what the
doctor had said. "Janet, why didn't you say..."
"For the same reason you couldn't." Janet smiled and
wiped Sam's cheeks with her thumbs while still
cradling her lovely face in her hands. "I don't know
if this is a good thing or not. But, I feel, oh, I
don't know... I feel so much happier now than I have
in...a long, long time."
Sam began to smile and said, "I don't care if this is
a good thing, but do you think we can give it a try?"
Janet nodded and gently brushed Sam's lips with her
own. She was so happy. Sam returned the sweet, gentle
kiss.
They sat there for a moment, leaning their foreheads
together and looking in each other's eyes, seeing
nothing but love there.
Just before kissing the wonderful woman in front of
her again, Sam said, "Well, for once Jack may have
been wrong. Looks like the Tok'ra actually helped us
this time."
 (c) John O'Conner
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