We're Not In Kansas Anymore
by John O'Connor
Disclaimer:  Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the
property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom,
 MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko 
Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes
only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright
 infringement is intended. The original characters,
situations, and story are the property of the author.
Rating: PG-13.
Note: Loosely inspired by an old "Star Trek" fanfic
called "Visit to a Strange Planet."  Just having a
little fun.
"Carter, you and the Doc go on through. I'll help
Teal'c and Daniel finish loading the samples on the
MALP and follow you," Jack O'Neill said.
"Are you sure, sir?" Samantha Carter asked, but the
colonel had already turned and walked away across the
grassy plain from the two women standing at the DHD.
"I guess that answered your question," Janet Fraiser
said with a cocked eyebrow. "Let's go home, Sam."
Sam keyed in the return trip coordinates, the Stargate
turning in response to the entered data. When the
seventh chevron had locked in, a large bubble of
quantum energy burst out of the torus. The energy
field then stabilized to the shimmery event horizon
that allowed access to the Stargate.
"Well, Doctor, after you.." Sam gestured to the field.
"Sam, I hate to sound like McCoy on 'Star Trek' but I
get nervous everytime I go through that thing," Janet
admitted. "I love to go offworld but the journey,
well..."
"Alright, scaredy-cat." Sam took the shorter woman's
hand and walked up the ramp with her, "Ready?" They
both stepped through to return to the Gateroom of the
SGC.
As they "fell" through the wormhole, Sam felt an
unexpected jolt. Janet felt it also, but didn't
realize it wasn't part of a standard gate passage,
having limited experience with this phenomenal form of
travel.
* * * * * *
Stepping through the event horizon onto the metal ramp
in the gateroom, Sam immediately sensed there was
something very wrong. Releasing Janet's hand, she
looked around and the realization slowly dawned on her
that this SGC was different from the one she and Janet
had left the day before.
Sam looked up and saw, instead of the familiar vaulted
concrete ceiling, rafters and bright lights as well as
booms and what appear to be microphones. Turning
slightly, she saw beyond the Stargate, a blue sheet
instead of the rear wall that normally would be there.
Janet grabbed Sam's arm and hissed, "Sam!"
Turning back, Sam saw the reason Janet was alarmed.
Standing in the doorway leading out of the gateroom,
she saw SG-1, including herself, and Janet in her Air
Force blues and lab coat.
"Oh God! Not again!" Sam moaned. "Another alternate
reality!"
The other Sam looked at her and at Janet, both in
field fatigues, and then looked at the other Janet.
"Teryl?"
The other Janet stood there with her mouth hanging
open. Then she blinked and said, "Min? How are you up
there? How am I up there? What's going on?"
A familiar-looking, blond-haired man in civilian
clothes came in and said, "Alright! Just what the
hell's going on? How did these people get past
security?"
"Pete! You won't believe this! The Stargate flashed
like it does on TV and they stepped out!"
Pete eyed this world's version of Jack O'Neill and
said, "Rick, did you happen to have anything to drink
at lunch?"
"It's true, Pete! We all saw it!" the other Teal'c
said in a decidedly un-Teal'c-like voice.
The other Daniel, Sam, and Janet all confirmed what
Teal'c had said. Even the other General Hammond, who
had just entered, agreed. "Pete, I saw from up there
in the control room. The damned gate actually lit up
and they came through."
Pete was becoming more and more confused. "But that's
just CGI..." He stepped up to the ramp and asked,
"Alright, just who are you people and what are you
doing on my soundstage?"
Sam stepped forward and replied, "I'm Major Samantha
Carter, U.S. Air Force. This is Doctor Janet Fraiser,
she's also an Air Force major. We've apparently come
from another parallel world to your SGC."
"Uh-huh! And you came through that?" Pete indicated
the gate.
"Uh, yes. I felt a jolt during passage which must've
been when we pierced the barrier with your reality..."
"Wait a minute! You are actually telling me that
you're Sam Carter and Janet Fraiser?" Pete demanded.
Sam was getting more and more confused. Who was this
guy who apparently was superior even to General
Hammond? DOD? Please God, not NSA or NID.
Looking to Janet, Sam saw she was even more at sea.
Suddenly Janet said, "Hey! You were Andy's son on
'NYPD Blue.' Remember, Sam?"
Suddenly Sam did realize why she had recognized him.
He was an actor on their world. She nodded and asked,
"So, Mr. DeLuise, are you with the DOD? The White
House?"
He started to laugh, "Hell, no! I'm the director and
one of the writers of this show. And, for the record,
it was my brother on 'Blue.'"
"Show?" Sam asked. "This is a TV show? Oh no! Janet,
we could be in trouble..."
Janet reached out blindly for Sam's hand. "What's
going on, Sam?"
Realization dawned on some of the faces in front of
them. The other Sam said, "You are the real deal,
aren't you? You're really Sam Carter. And you're Janet
Fraiser. That means that this is real somewhere. Oh
man, this is too much!"
The other Janet looked at the other Sam and said,
"Min? They are our characters?"
The other Sam/Min nodded, "I guess so."
Sam led Janet down the ramp and towards their
counterparts. "You aren't me, then, are you?"
The other Sam shook her head and replied, "I'm an
actress. My name is Amanda Tapping. I play you on this
show." Gesturing to the shorter woman next to her, she
went on, "This is Teryl Rothery. She plays the doctor
on our show. You look just like me!?! And she looks
just like Ter!"
Sam, wondering about fingerprint similarities before
she pushed that irrelevant question back, asked,
"Then, there's probably no real Stargate here?"
Peter said, "No, I doubt it. If there was, I think the
government would've tried to stop this show a long
time ago."
Janet, becoming increasingly concerned, asked, "What
about Cassie, Sam? She expects us home tonight!" Sam
gave her hand what she hoped was a reassuring squeeze.
"There really is a Cassie?" the woman identified as
Teryl Rothery asked. "And you're her adopted mother?"
"Of course, Terry. If they are real and the other SG-1
people do exist then the rest would too. Right?" Sam,
rather Amanda, asked.
Sam nodded, "I suppose it's possible that everything
you do on the show corresponds somehow with events in
our world. But how and why can wait. We have to find a
way home." Then, to Janet, she said, "The colonel,
Daniel, and Teal'c will look after her until we get
back."
Janet smiled at the assurance in Sam's words, and
tried to reciprocate, knowing Sam would be as worried
about their little girl as she was. "I know, but
they'll spoil her rotten! She already has the colonel
wrapped around her little finger."
Peter said, "Okay. Okay. This is really nuts! We'll
have to see if there's anything that can be done. I
have some friends at Stanford and USC. Maybe they can
come up with something. Meanwhile..."
"So, you believe this nonsense?" the other Jack asked.
"Richard, I've been around science fiction long enough
that I won't ignore the possibility. Ladies, I may as
well introduce you to the other cast members..." Peter
said.
The other people were quickly introduced. Sam and
Janet found themselves shaking hands with actors who
looked eerily enough like their friends to leave them
shaken. But their attention kept returning to their
doubles.
Sam couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to
make love to herself. She was sure Janet was thinking
the same thing. When it came to sex, they were almost
always sympatico. A threesome with her alternative
self and Janet? Or both Janets and herself?
'Would it be incest or masturbation to make love to
yourself? Dammit, Sam, get a grip. This is not the
time or the place for that,' Sam thought.
Sam marshalled her thoughts and looked at the fake
Stargate and said, "I've been thinking, we came
through there. If there had been a Gate here on this
world, even an inactive one, we would've come through
there."
Janet looked almost as confused as the others in the
room but also more worried. "Sam, what are you
saying?"
Sam hated to see any trace of fear in Janet's brown
eyes but couldn't reassure her with out lying. "This
was picked by some random chance to serve as a proxy
Gate since there wasn't one available here in this
reality."
Janet asked, "So where are we? Colorado?"
"No. Hollywood, right?" Sam asked.
Min shook her too familiar head and said, "No, we're
outside Vancouver."
"Vancouver?" Sam and Janet blurted out at the same
time.
"As in Canada?" Sam asked. Her mirror image nodded.
Sam shook her head quietly.
"Uh, Major? Can I call you Sam?" Peter asked.
"Huh? Oh yeah, sure," Sam replied as if from a
distance.
"Okay, then, Sam, can you put the gun down? That is
real, isn't it?" Peter asked, a little unnerved by how
tightly Sam was clenching the weapon in her hand.
"Oh, sorry." She relaxed her grip and then asked,
"Isn't your father Dom DeLuise?" At Peter's nod, she
said to Janet, "Did I ever mention how Urgo looked
like his father?"
"No, Sam, you didn't," Janet had more than a hint of
exasperation in her voice. "What does that have to do
with us getting home?"
"As much as your 'NYPD Blue' comment!" Sam countered.
"Listen, I..." Janet stopped when their counterparts
stepped up and intervened.
Teryl/Janet said, "Look, arguing isn't going to
accomplish anything. Let's just calm down and try to
figure this situation out." She was somewhat amazed at
how calm she was.
Min looked at her and said, "Terry, you've been doing
too much scifi. Doesn't this phase you at all?"
Her friend and costar looked at her but didn't say
anything.
Min shook her head and then said, "You know, we can
find out things that might be good for the show..."
Peter said, "Yeah! Like about the Gao'uld and the
Tok'ra and all the rest. Relationships in the SGC.
This could be great." Then looking at the two stranded
officers, he said sheepishly, "Sorry. I get too
wrapped up in the creative mode sometimes."
"That's okay," Sam said. "It's all a little hard to
take in. I remember the first time I Gated..."
"Sam..." Janet interrupted. "Let's deal with the
matter at hand first. Okay?"
Min asked her, "Major?"
"Sam, call me Sam. After all, you play me," Sam
smiled.
"Okay, Sam. Can I ask you a slightly personal
question?" At Sam's nod, she continued, "Are you
involved with Jack by any chance?"
Sam looked at Janet and laughed. "No, of course not!"
Teryl then asked both of them, "But you do have
relationships, don't you?"
Sam nodded and gazed at Janet.
"Oh, I see," Min said, seeing the look that passed
between the two travellers. Then, seeing a sophomoric
glint in Peter's eye, she said, "No, Pete, no way. Not
on your life!"
"Min, what are you talking about?" Teryl asked.
"Ter, Sam and Janet are lovers." Teryl stood there
with her mouth hanging open.
The Jack look-alike, Richard, said, "Well, I'm all for
that!"
Teal'c/Christopher and Daniel/Michael both nodded in
agreement. Min took a step back, "Hey, I'm happily
married and have kids."
"So? You're husband might get a kick out of it..."
"Teryl, say something?" Min pleaded.
At that moment, a loud whooshing filled the soundstage
and the Gate flared before settling down to the
shimmering event horizon.
"Janet, the Gate!" Sam said excitedly.
"I see it! Come on, let's go," Janet tugged on Sam's
arm.
Sam held back. "It might not take us anywhere
better..." She stood there washed in the silvery light
of the Gate and then said, "But, chances are there's
another Gate there and maybe we can dial home."
She looked back at the acting team that played her
squad on television, and shrugged, "Sorry if we
screwed up your production schedule."
Janet leaned near Teryl and whispered, "It's really
very nice, you know." Then she trotted up the ramp and
took Sam's hand.
Together they stepped through the Gate and the event
horizon collapsed. It was as if the two voyagers had
never been there.
"Please tell me someone got that on film," Peter
pleaded.
Min looked at Teryl and asked, "What the hell just
happened?" Teryl didn't reply, she just smiled
strangely at her friend.
* * * * * *
Stepping through the Gate, Sam and Janet looked
around. The roof was intact, the back wall was there,
and there were no copies of either of them. The
colonel, Daniel, and Teal'c were in the middle of the
Gateroom.
Sam said to Janet, "When they went through, it must've
reopened the passage we were thrown through."
"Whatever. I'm just glad we're home." Sam nodded and
walked with Janet down the ramp. Time to study the
physics of this later.
Jack O'Neill stepped to the base of the ramp next to
the MALP. "Where the hell have you been? You went
through over twenty minutes ago. How'd we beat you
back?"
"Well, sir, you wouldn't believe it...Hell, I'm not
sure I do," Sam said.
Janet smiled, "Me either. But it was interesting..."
 (c) John O'Conner
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