As I was walking up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
I wish he'd stay away.
-- Hughes Mearns
 
 

 "We've got to find Richard." Josef refused to get up. "He's the cause of all this. We need to either convince him to change things back to normal or find some way to stop him before he totally destroys the world."

 "Then let's eat." Deanna dropped Josef's hands and continued dancing on her own. "I'm starved."

 "If I feed you will you let me think?"

 "No," Deanna giggled, "But I won't keep trying to make you dance."

 "Alright already." Josef sighed. "What do you want to eat?"

 "What have we got?"

 "Nothing but this dog biscuit. You should know that. You've been through the refrigerator and the cupboards."

 Deanna thought a moment and then responded with a bright smile. "Shall we eat out or have someone deliver?"

 "Deanna, you know I can't be around men without trying to bed them." Josef was shocked. "Remember what happened the last time we had food delivered."

 "Yup. I had to growl at you and lock you in our bedroom."

 "Wait a minute. You remember being a poodle?"

 "Sure."

 "Do you also remember being Dean of the School of Arts and Sciences?"

 "Sure. Why shouldn't I?" Josef ignored the question.

 "And you know that you're my twin now?"

 "Of course silly." Deanna giggled. "Why are you asking these silly questions and when are we going to eat?"

 "One last question. Do you remember wanting to be a man?"

 "Sure."

 "You do? And you don't want to be a man now?"

 "Hey, you said just one more question."

 "Please humor me."

 "Oh O.K." Deanna sighed. "It's a darn good thing I think you're special." The smile was back. "It's like the words of the song, 'I enjoy being a girl.'" She pouted briefly. "I also enjoy food. Can we please eat now?"

Josef didn't answer.

 "Josie?" Still no answer. "Josie, sweetie." Silence. "JOSETTE RIMSKY. CALLING JOSETTE RIMSKY."

 "Huh." Josef blinked. "Oh. Sorry. I guess I wasn't paying attention. I guess Richard's theory really is correct. Anyway, what were you saying?"

 "I said FEED ME, before I get you a strange looking, singing, cannibalistic plant that's as hungry as me." Deanna broke out in giggles again, this time joined by Josef who reached over and hugged her girlfriend.

 "So. What do you want to eat?" Josef reached for the telephone book on the coffee table and began leafing through the restaurant section. "Armenian, Barbecue, Burgers, Cajun, Chinese, English, French, German, Greek, Homestyle, Indian, Italian, Japanese, Pizza, Ribs, Steaks ..." Deanna's hand stopped the further turning of pages.

 "Surprise me."

 "Great. My choice." Josef grumped as she closed the telephone book. "Then the second question is how do we do it without bedding someone?"

 "Oh Josef, you're being silly again."

 "Huh?"

 "You mean 'Duh.' Poof it up. Make it appear. Use your power." Deanna sat back smugly pretending to polish her nails against her blouse.
 
 

"Enough prancing about ladies. It's time to meet our public." The two centauresses quickly trotted back to stand staring raptly down at Richard.

 "Where shall we go master?" They spoke in unison.

 "Well, I considered Washington D.C., but decided against there; it's too provincial. Then I considered the United Nations complex, but that's in New York City and the people there would probably ignore even us." His hand gestured to include the two centauresses and himself.

"I similarly ruled out Los Angeles as they'd just think it was a movie publicity stunt, Paris where the people would be too busy arguing about what they were seeing to honor us, Berlin where people would deny what they saw, Moscow where people would be too afraid of the KGB or whatever it's now called to admit what they saw, Calcutta where they'd worship the two of you instead of me, and London where they'd never see us in the fog."

 "Yes Master, of course."

 "Italy is supposed to be lovely this time of year. If anyone will recognize the miracle we represent it should be the Pope. We're going to visit the Vatican City." The two centauresses squealed in joy.
 
 

The Pope was at his balcony overlooking Vatican Square offering Mass to the crowd of faithful below when the trio appeared at the far end of the Square. It was a tribute to the intensity of the worshipers about them that they were not initially noticed. Inga lead the way parting the crowd and tossing flower petals as she paced toward the Pope. Colleen followed with Richard riding on her back and waving regally to the shocked and rapidly parting crowd.

 About a third of the way to the balcony the Pope's litany stopped mid word and the only the sound was of breathing and approaching hoof beats echoing against the surrounding walls. Two thirds of the way to the balcony even the sound of hoof beats disappeared as the centauresses began to climb through the air on a gentle slope. The flower petals continued falling and were soon fluttering down onto the heads of the gawkers below. They stopped, apparently standing on nothing, with Richard head to head with the Pope and less than five feet way.

"Greetings Your Eminence." Several of the Swiss Guard assigned to protect the Vatican and its occupants tried to move between Richard and the Pope without success. It was as if an unseen wall had been placed between them and the Holy See. "How do you like the show?"

 "Quite impressive my son. Your companions are remarkably lifelike."

 "That's because they're real. Would you like to be one?"

 "Your generous offer is appreciated my son, however the duties of my position are such that I must decline at this time. Perhaps I can instead impose upon you to assist those more needy than I?"

 "Sure, why not. They always say charity begins at the home dimension. What would you like me to do?"

 "The world is plagued by demons such as famine, pestilence, and poverty. Anything that can be done to lessen that burden of pain would be most charitable."

 "Fine. Consider it done."

"Excuse me my son?"

 Richard laughed. "I said it's done. I've done as you asked and eliminated hunger and disease. Poverty is a relative concept and I've provided a one shot resolution. At this moment everyone in the world has enough dollars, rupees, yen, or whatever for a standard of living equal to or greater than that of lower middle class in the United States of America. What they do with their money is their problem." They both turned at a tapping noise from within as a Monsignor approached the Pope walking past the Guards without striking the obstacle still preventing the guards from reaching His Eminence. The Monsignor whispered in the Pope's ear briefly before the Pope turned back to Richard.

 "I have just received a report that everyone in the area seems to have received a large sum of ..." Before he could finish he was drowned out by a murmur from the crowd that rapidly grew to a roar. People were dancing about pounding each other on the back. A couple of people were waving their crutches over their heads and another group was pushing a now empty wheelchair back and forth amongst them in a bizarre variation on the game of circle toss.

 "You will similarly find that the recent harvest has been so successful that the Food Pantries of the world will soon be filled to overflowing." Richard smiled at the shocked expression on the Monsignor's face. "And yes, I can hear you whisper."

 "This is a truly amazing feat my son. How, may I ask, have you accomplished it?"

 "Certainly your Eminence. It was a miracle." Richard was disappointed at the lack of surprise on the Pope's face. "When you've confirmed it I'll be back. Prepare to worship me." Richard and the centauresses disappeared in a rather theatric puff of smoke.
 
 

"We've got to get out of here. I'm going stir crazy." Deanna flounced over to the lime green quilted bed and propped herself up by her elbows. She was wearing nothing more than a bra and panties. Clothes were strewn everywhere.

 "We haven't even figured out what to wear. We can't even leave this apartment until we figure out how to go anywhere without becoming sex crazed bimbos." An exasperated Josef, also in only bra and panties, sat backwards with legs akimbo on the chair by the makeup table. Head down resting on her arms, her wavy golden blonde hair hid her face as it cascaded over the back of the chair. Still frustrated, Josef rose flipping her hair back, and began to pace.

 "We need to find a safe way to get to Richard."

 "No, we need to get dressed."

 "Damn it we need to get to Richard!"

 "No Josette Rimsky, we need to get dressed. If we don't get dressed we'll be raped by the first man we see whether we want to be raped or not." Deanna smiled knowingly and Josef growled and blinked.

 "Fine. We're dressed. Now can we move on to the problem of reaching Richard?" Josef's pacing found her back by the makeup chair.

 "No."

 "What?" Deanna sighed and dropped down onto the chair again. "Now what?"

 "Ignoring the fact that we need to accessorize, we can't go anywhere without makeup." Deanna stood and walked over to the makeup table. "Oh, and some matching white pumps would go well with the dress. She swirled the lacy white outer material and silken under fabric of the dress' not quite knee length skirt as she examined it. Stepping carefully to avoid scattered articles of clothing Deanna moved back to the full length mirror by the closet and carefully adjusted the high back collar and plunge neckline. Suddenly she was three and a half inches taller as the requested heels appeared. She quickly reached out to the wall to stabilize herself before falling.

 "And now some makeup. Tasteful please. Just a light touch of blush, mascara, eyeliner, and lipstick." Another self-examination. "I think a touch of pale blue eye shadow would complete the makeup nicely."

 "Now can we move on?"

 "A watch, preferably silver ... gold is so splashy, would be nice. And a matching pendant necklace and bracelet." Deanna thought a moment. "You know, a thin ankle bracelet would also be nice."

 Josef blinked. "There. It's done. Now I don't want to hear another word about clothes, makeup, accessories, or anything else. I need your help figuring out how to get to Richard."

 "O.K. But it would be a good idea if you were dressed also." Josef growled and blinked. He was dressed identically to Deanna who immediately began to pout.

 "But we're wearing the identical dress. We can't do that. It's ..." Suddenly no sound was coming from her mouth although her lips continued to move.

 "There will be NO ... MORE ... DISCUSSION ... OF ... CLOTHES." Josef spoke through clenched teeth as she stood and walked over to Deanna. Taking her hand Josef led the now compliant Deanna to the living room couch.

 "Sit." Deanna sat.

 "Think." Deanna thought. "How do we safely get to Richard?" In the silence Josef began pacing again. After several moments, Deanna tapped on the coffee table to get Josef's attention and when he turned pointed pleadingly at her mouth.

 "Oh, of course. Do you have any ideas?"

 Deanna sighed then with a joyful glance at Josef she tentatively touched her mouth. "I can speak again. Oh that feels good. Thank you. Thank you."

 "Answer the question," Josef growled, "or you'll have thanked me for nothing." Josef collapsed heavily onto the couch beside Deanna.

 "Yes Josie. Right away." Standing, Deanna attempted to assume the intense domineering stance she had used when lecturing first year students but failed miserably as evidenced by Josef's barely stifled giggle. With an annoyed look she continued.

 "To state the assumptions, we have agreed that we must get to Richard, but that we must do so without being in proximity of any men or you, and possibly we, will be side tracked by an overriding desire for sexual gratification." Josef nodded tiredly.

 "The answer is obvious. First, you must use your abilities to determine where Richard is. Assuming Richard will not come to us we will have to go to Richard. Before going to him however you must determine if there are any other males around. Then you must remove all the men from Richard's presence. You can make them anything but men, I'd prefer no poodles if I have any say in this, or you can transport them to some other place, I hear the Virgin Islands are especially nice this time of year." Deanna bowed her head as if accepting the accolades of a nonexistent crowd and sauntered back over to the couch and sat, back straight, legs crossed, appearing as dignified as she could. Thunder struck Josef sat, mouth open, gaping at Deanna who merely smiled. Finally moving, Josef slapped his head in disgust.

 "I must be an idiot."

 "No." Deanna's hand reached out to comfort her twin. "No. Not an idiot, merely too close to the problem. It's hard to think when you're quaking in fear of seeing a man and having conjugal relations with him."

 "Enough waiting, let's get Richard." Josef sprang to his feet only to be pulled back to the couch by Deanna who had not released her hand.

 "Before we go, may I suggest, considering what we'll do when we reach Richard?"

 "Good point." Josef dejectedly slumped back on the couch, head back, eyes closed.

 "Thank you, and may I also suggest a silver chain link formal purse with shoulder strap." Josef's head shot back up in surprise as Deanna giggled.