There may be some doubt about hell beyond the grave
but there is no doubt about there
being one on this side of it.
--Ed Howe
 

 In related news today Presidential Press Secretary Bloomberg adamantly insists there is no secret government military base on the moon, that said nonexistent base does not have any nuclear materials, and that the nonexistent base's nonexistent nuclear stockpile did not detonate, however cleanup operations are underway. Also, in related news, Pope John John II has asked the College of Cardinals to investigate the moon's change to determine if it meets criteria for a miracle.

From Iraq in the Middle East, Sadam Hussein has denounced the change as an American trick claiming it is intended to undermine Moslem society by sowing the seeds of western culture. Finally, on the lighter side, Jack Seaman, Managing Editor of the Guinness Book of Records, has offered a prize of $100,000 to the person who's face most closely resembles the new lunar face with the one stipulation that plastic surgery is not acceptable.

 "Please turn that garbage off and get back here. I need help turning the pages." No response.

 "Josef. Turn off the television now!" Dean looked up from the manuscript in annoyance to see the very female appearing Josef staring raptly at the television where a clearly male reporter was describing events in London. She was still wearing the black Teddy and one hand was playing with an erect nipple through the thin fabric while the other hand had found the slit in the matching crotchless panty and was moving back and forth frantically. With a heart wrenching sigh the poodle got up and padded over to the television where he used his paw to turn it off. Instantly the movement of the hands began to slow. A couple of seconds later Josef's eyes blinked and the hands stopped moving.

 "Did I doze off?"

 "No. You were back in bimbo mode from watching the newsmen on the television."

 "Why do I feel funny?" Josef looked down to see where her hands were and jerked them behind her back. "Was I doing what I think I was doing?"

 "If you mean masturbating, yes." Dean said sourly while Josef blushed crimson. "Now how about some page turning?"

 "Sure." Josef moved quickly to skim the page before turning. "What did I miss?"

 "Not much, we've made it to the teenage years." Dean yawned. "No seriously, he's been prattling on about his hypothesis but still hasn't begun to talk methodology, and I must admit I've read better prose on the ingredient list of a tube of toothpaste."

 "Maybe we better skip ahead after all."

 "You've got the hands." Dean snorted. "I'm the one that wanted to do that from the beginning." Dean snapped his muzzle closed and looked hard at Josef. "What made you change your mind?"

 Josef blushed brightly again.
 
 

"What shall we do now My Lord?" Colleen was gently massaging Richard's neck and shoulders as he sat in his desk chair staring out the huge window onto the lake, light by the light of the full moon and Richard's face. Inga was gently rubbing his feet.

 "It's time to relax." He stretched. "What would you two like to do?" Inga looked up at him with a sultry smile and began rubbing higher up his leg. Colleen's hands moved so that she could hug him from the back and then she began unbuttoning his shirt.

 "Well, that's always fun. Shall we move to the bed or do one of you have a better idea?"

 Inga delicately placed her finger in her mouth and sucked it. "We could do it in the lake Master." Suddenly the three of them were standing naked but for their shoes on a sandy beach at the edge of the lake. Inga clasped her hands in front of her and jumped up and down in glee. Then she kicked off her heels and ran the last few feet to the water and charged in about three steps before turning and back running out.

 "Oooh. That's cold. Would our Lord and Master consider warming it up a bit?" She danced from foot to foot while Colleen giggled.

 "We could do that, but I've got a better idea." Richard laughed. Richard stared at Inga and she found herself falling, limbs askew, onto her buttocks. Colleen's giggles became guffaws until she too found herself sprawled on the sand. They sat there unable to rise staring questioningly up at Richard.

 "Look to yourselves." He intoned with a smile.

 The skin on their legs had turned bluish green and shiny. Rainbow colors scampered over them even in the dim glow of Richard's moon. Colleen glanced over to see the same thing happening to Inga who stared uncomprehendingly back. Their attentions snapped back to their lower torsos as they found their legs moving gently together first at the knees and then at the ankles. Only the feet remained separated. The feet and toes began to elongate and thin. The separation between the legs disappeared as it slowly fused from the crotch down.

 "Oooh Master, you're making us into mermaids." They cooed in unison. Colleen wiggled her flippers and posed, hair flowing around her breasts as Inga tentatively touched her new tail.

 "There are tiny scales."

 "Now try the water temperature."

 "Yes Master." They scooted to the edge of the lake and in. In seconds they were fifty feet out, giggling and laughing as they playfully chased and ducked each other.

 "Come on in Master, the water's wonderful."
 
 

"Hello. Police? My name is Dolores Schrader and I'd like to report a missing person." The short slightly chunky woman paced back and forth in her kitchen nervously tugging at the telephone cord.

 "His name? Eric Schrader. He's President of Clarke College."

 "How long? He was due back home at 5:15 tonight. He called from the office at 4:15 tonight saying he had one on campus stop and that he would then be coming straight home."

 "What do you mean you can't process my report? He's never been late in twenty nine years of marriage. Now he's at least five hours late."

 "He walks from the college. He can't be caught up in traffic."

 "If he was admitted to a hospital it would be at the college. They know him and would have called me."

 "His secretary confirmed that he left on time."

 "If he were going to have an affair why would he first tell me he was coming home?"

 "I know people are out staring at the changes in the moon, but he could have done that here at home."

 "Rioting? I haven't heard about any rioting." She reached to the portable television on the counter nearby and turned it on but left the sound off. The very first channel had pictures of rioting."

 "Oh, my god." The telephone fell from her hand a she slumped to a chair.
 
 

"Let's review. What do we know so far?"

 "More than we ever wanted to know about Richard's childhood." Josef slumped back onto the couch and rubbed her tired eyes.

 "Be serious. We've learned that Richard believes that there is no such thing as reality, that what we perceive as reality is nothing more than a shared delusion." Josef watched the immaculately trimmed french poodle lecturing him and burst into giggles.

 "Grrr. Now what's wrong?"

 "I ... I'm sorry." The giggles were slowly brought under control although they weren't completely gone if the smile was any indication. "I couldn't help myself. You've got to realize that being lectured by a big white poodle with pink ribbons is at least a little bit funny." Dean just stared back.

 "Or maybe not ... I apologize if I've insulted you. Please continue.

 "Harumph. Where was I. Oh, yes, 'shared delusion.' He further postulates that it is the body of these shared delusions that creates the world we know." Dean's eyes unfocused for a moment. "If that's true, disagreements regarding what is true or real are merely the result of inconsistencies in the shared delusion. A classic example of this could be the psychiatric condition called 'folie-a-deux.'"

 "You mean communicated insanity where if one of two people living together for long time is insane the other will tend to develop similar characteristics and seem insane also?"

 "Yes, exactly." Josef barely stifled a giggle as she watched the dog's head bobbing up and down in agreement.

 "Now what's wrong?" Josef swallowed hard before responding.

 "I don't know. I can't seem to stop giggling. I wonder if it's one of the side effects of Richard's curse?"

 "Could be. All the more reason to hurry, isn't it." Josef gulped and nodded. She tucked her legs under her and attempted with moderate success to be serious and attentive.

 "Anyway, bizarre as it seems, there could be some merit to this. The real trick seems to be to impact on the 'fictons.'"

 "Huh?"

 "Fictons are what Richard calls the basic building blocks of reality, like atoms are supposed to be the basic building blocks of matter. To continue the analogy, where the application of energy is what changes atomic matter, the application of thought, most specifically belief, is what changes fictons."

 "You mean something is because I believe it is?" Josef excitedly closed her eyes and clapped her hands. "I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man."

 "Are you done?"

 "Sure, now that I'm back to ... I'm not back to normal am I?" Dean shook his head.

 "Why not? What did I do wrong?" Josef pouted.

 "Maybe you should let me finish. As I said, the primary factor is belief. You need to be able to completely believe without doubt and without reference to anything of reality."

 "So what references can you use?"

 "You look so pretty when you crinkle your nose." Dean laughed.

 "Doggy mirth is not a pretty thing." Josef tried to look stern and angry but her laughter spoiled the effect.

 "That's O.K. There's a dearth of mirth on the earth."

 "I'll bet you can't say that three times fast without drooling, doggy breath." It took a while for the laughter to trail off.

 "I think we're getting slap-happy. That was not an exchange worth laughing at."

 "I'm forced to agree with you Josef. To continue then, reference is the next issue. Richard seems to believe that the only stable immutable reference can be yourself."

 "You mean I have to be an egomaniac?"

 "Basically, yes, but more so. An egomaniac feels he is the center of the universe. You must feel that you are the universe."

 "Fine. What else?" Josef yawned.

 "Only one more thing, belief. You must be able to extend your belief into the world around you." Josef didn't bother to prompt the poodle. Instead she waited patiently for Dean to continue.

 "Much like the kind of salesman Dale Carnegie proposes in 'How to Win Friends and Influence People,' you must convince the world that you are right."

 "How do I do that?"

 "That's where this manuscript gets really esoteric. I'm still not sure, but it seems that it is a matter of 'force of will,' whatever that means." Josef scratched her head and thought a moment.

 "So, if I understand correctly, I have to be able to do three things: I have to believe something is true, I have to believe that I am the only real thing that exists, and I have to somehow proselytize so that everything else believes me." Dean sat back on his haunches and licked his chops.

 "That seems to be it. Only one more problem, the obvious and unfortunate implication of being the only real thing in the universe is that you can't change yourself."