Scientists are the easiest to fool. They think in straight, predictable, directable, and therefore misdirectable, lines. The only world they know is the one where everything has a logical explanation and things are what they appear to be. Children and conjurors - they terrify me. Scientists are no problem; against them I feel quite confident. -- James P. Hogan (Code of the Lifemaker)

 

"He's not a wicked or immoral person, but I do grant he can be intense."

 "Intense is an understatement Josef. Have you ever challenged one of his opinions?"

 "Yes Virginia, there is a god," Josef paused for effect, "... and his name is Richard Boatman." The two chuckled as they resumed their lunch. The faculty cafeteria in the Clarke College student union was gradually emptying as the various administrators departed through the huge, glass and metal archway leading to the student infested areas of the union for their paper empires. The few other members of the teaching staff had already departed for committee meetings or other essential activities although the milling throngs of students seemed to be increasing. While many found it distasteful to see youth wasting it time on pizza, pinball, and pool, Josef found great joy in observing and, when permitted, touching at least half of that mass of humanity.

 Virginia Hancock delicately played with the cubes of her gelatinous desert for a few moments while Josef surreptitiously fondled her rather pleasing breasts with his eyes. "But seriously Josef. He will listen to no one else. For what ever reason he cares about your opinion. He might listen to you."

 "And that is the operant word, 'might.' Considering his fanatical devotion to his current flight of fancy."

 "I know, I know." A deep sigh. "But Dean Johnson is threatening administrative action if he does not start paying more attention to his students." The uneaten cubes had been mashed into a red slurry. "I better get going or Dean Johnson will be trying to dock my pay, the dirty old bastard." With a frown she gathered her dishes and left. Josef took the opportunity to enjoy the plutritudinous scenery.

 "It's all in your mind."

 "What?" His pleasurable reveries shattered by the bellow Josef looked up from his chocolate mousse to see Richard Boatman pushing past the co-ed he had been admiring as he stormed into the nearly empty cafeteria. The wild hair and beard did little to convince the onlookers of his reason or stability and the thick manuscript he slammed on the table in front of Josef sent the last three stragglers scurrying.

 "Would you please stop shouting, my mousse is quivering in fear. Why don't you get a cup of coffee and join me." Josef pushed his empty cup towards Richard, "I'd appreciate a refill. Cream and one sugar please."

 If it was possible for a coffeepot to show fear the tentative gurgles of this one would have made you wonder. Richard danced from foot to foot in his impatience as he prepared two coffees. Finally, coffee in hand he was back at Josef's table. Cups slapped ceramic against the plastic of the table top jolting Josef from the pleasurable visions beyond the cafeteria doors and Richard was seated.

 "I said 'the answer is that it's all in your mind.'"

 "Yes, I heard you, but if you don't mind, I'd prefer to discuss this variant of the greatest scientific discovery of the ages on a full stomach. By the way, the mousse is excellent."

Richard was staring at the pudding cup, brow furrowed as he concentrated. Josef glanced up from his coffee and set it back down untouched. The mousse seemed to blur and loose definition. It crumpled up into a small lumpy ball. It seemed to become furry. A whisker twitched, a hairless tail appeared, there was a faint squeak and it was a small brown mouse that scurried off.

 Josef watched the mouse as it made a beeline for one of the snack machines. "Great." He muttered. "You can take the mouse out of the mousse but you can't take the chocolate out of the mouse." Looking back to Richard he continued more audibly, "That was very impressive. How did you do it?"

 "I told you, it's all in the mind."

 "Yes. And?"

 "Well, I was ... Hey, wait a minute. How come you're so calm. I just changed some chocolate pudding into a mouse. You should be astounded."

 "Impressed, not astounded." Josef sipped at his coffee. "It was an impressive bit of legerdemain, I grant you."

 "Legerdemain? You think that was some magic trick?"

 "Of course, albeit quite a good one."

 "I expected better from you." The hurt in his voice as Richard picked up the bound papers and prepared to leave was apparent.

 "Are you suggesting otherwise, Richard?"

 "Of course I'm 'suggesting otherwise' and I'm amazed you cannot distinguish a scientific breakthrough from a parlor trick." He was standing now, fists clenched and scowling.

 "Let's maintain our civility Richard. If I have in some way maligned your accomplishments I apologize. Why don't you sit down again and educate me." Richard wavered as conflicting emotions flashed across his face. Finally, he sat.

 "Thank you Richard. Now please tell me how you apparently transformed a mousse into a mouse."

 "Well, you know how there are discrepancies in Einsteinian Relativity Theory such as quarks that can travel faster than the speed of light?" Josef nodded but said nothing, surreptitiously stealing glances at some of the prettier coeds to pass.

 "Physicists have been trying for years to explain these discrepancies by creating unified field theories. Always there has been the assumption that order can be made out of the chaos of the universe." Josef nodded affably again.

 "I approached this from the other direction. I assumed that there was no order."

 "Many have done that Richard. Look at Kafka for example."

 "Correct. But they were philosophers. They made the assumption and then stopped."

 "Once you've stated that there is only chaos where is there to go?" Josef took another sip of coffee.

 "Exactly the question I was facing, and then I remembered Chaos Theory. In large enough groupings even random events can be described in terms of systems. Chaos theorists routinely think in terms of mega systems. I hypothesized that when considered on the atomic level even microscopic events are mega systems. What we see around us are those mega systems, the billions and billions of atoms we see as systems called people, tables, and even a mouse ... one 's' or two."

 Josef pulled his attention back from a truly gorgeous redhead. "I fail to see where this is going Richard."

 "But it is so obvious. Chaos Theory will relate the flapping of a butterfly's wings in Asia to a hurricane in Kansas. I needed to find a way to effect the systems around me. It was just a matter of finding the key and that key is the mind."

 "I'm sorry Richard, I still fail to grasp your point."

 "Josef, you disappoint me. Put it all together. Point one, from examining the failures of the various attempts at a unified field theory, there is no order. Point two, from extrapolation of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, the mere act of examining something can change it. Point three, from Chaos Theory, the smallest, apparently insignificant thing can effect massive temporary systems. Now take each to the extreme. Nothing is stable and the smallest thing can effect massive change in the temporary groupings we call the systems that make up our reality. I think of something as different and the thought impacts on the thing changing it. It's merely a matter of overcoming inertia. If I think about it with sufficient certainty the changing thing can become what I think it is." Richard beamed at Josef with satisfaction.

 "That seems like quite a stretch Richard. If I understand you correctly, I could look at this cup of coffee and merely by thinking at it change it into something else, oh, say like a candy bar."

 "Absolutely." If possible he beamed even more. "That's exactly it Josef."

 "But it's still a cup of coffee." Josef turned the cup about in his hand as if to find some small portion that had turned to chocolate.

 "Of course not. Josef it is not enough to think about something, you must think at it."

 "And how would I accomplish this feat?" Josef placed the cup back on the table and delicately wiped his hands and face with a napkin.

 "That's what my manuscript describes, the final component to my discovery." He waved the thick sheaf of papers in the air.

 Standing Josef picked up and stacked the remains of his meal. "Richard this has been most amusing but I have a class in a few minutes and I would not wish to keep our lovely coeds waiting."

 "How dare you." Face contorted in rage, Richard almost screamed. "You think I am but a moment's entertainment, that I have concocted this tale out of whole cloth, that I have attempted to trick you with prestidigitation and persiflage."

 Josef's attempts to calm Richard were fruitless.

 "I shall prove my words by changing you. What would you like to become? ... a Dodo? ... a Hyena?" Josef's eyes had wandered from the irate Richard to a passing coed.

Richard was reduced to sputtering at Josef's lack of attention to his tirade. Taking a deep breath to at least slightly reign in his anger he continued in the cold calm voice of one who has made the ultimate decision as he passed sentence. "Very well Richard become that which you so dearly covet."

 Once again Richard's brow furrowed as he concentrated. Josef dragged his attention away from the pretty young woman and noted Richard's concentration with concern. "Richard, what are you doing?"

 "Tell me Josef, what is the woman of your dreams? Is she a blonde or a brunette?" Josef failed to notice the cunning smile on Richard's face. Bemused he found himself answering.

 "Blonde, golden or honey blonde, almost approaching a light brown." Richard answered without questioning why he did.

 "Describe her to me. Is her hair long or short? Is it curly, wavy, or straight? Tell me what she looks like."

 "Wavy hair, down to the shoulder blades. A model's face, slightly asymmetrical, with arching blonde eyebrows, a straight, slightly pug nose, full lips ..." Josef found him describing his dream girl in excruciating detail prompted infrequently for additional details. He didn't understand why he was doing this or why he could not seem to stop, wondering if he had somehow been hypnotised as he calmly watched his words become his reality.

 "Look at yourself Josef. You are your dream girl. Examine yourself. Do you still consider this some type of deception?" He waited impatiently while his colleague examined herself.

 Eventually Josef tore himself from his inventory. "Amazing. Richard, I commend you. I do appear to be my 'dream girl.' Touch, taste, hearing, sight, and smell. They all give the same message. This is excellent Richard. I wasn't aware that you were such an accomplished hypnotist." Josef beamed with joy, clearly impressed.

 Richard stared in shock. "Hypnotist? You jest. You can't possibly be so limited, so narrow minded. Is there nothing I can do to convince you of the veracity of my claims? perhaps I should give you the enfeebled brain most would expect to go with that body ... no there is no retribution without awareness." He mulled his options aloud before continuing in tones more appropriate to a preacher speaking of hell and damnation. "I know, Josef listen to me. This is your curse and your salvation. Your curse is to have to act like the sexual plaything you seek. Your behavior will always be that of a sex hungry female to those about you. However, trapped behind the facade of a nymphomaniac, your mind will still be totally aware of who you are and who you use to be. Your salvation I leave you in this manuscript. Read it and believe the truth of what I have discovered and you may learn how to regain your past."

 With those words Richard faded away leaving his laughing lips and teeth to disappear last.