Connect
< < Knock knock.
Angela jumped, almost dropping her water glass. Who knew she was here? She'd been in this crummy by-the-week apartment only two days, and she'd told no one.
Angela crept toward the door. She cringed when the floorboards creaked.
Damn.
The peephole's fisheye lense distorted a familiar face.
Ricky?
Unbolted. Unlocked.
"Hi."
Ricky.
Unchained. Opened.
Closed. Locked. Bolted. Chained.
"Nice place."
It wasn't.
"How did you find me?"
"Caller ID."
Right. She'd called from the lobby. She didn't know why she'd called at all.
Yes she did. To hear his voice on the machine.
She didn't have to ask:
"My dad doesn't know I'm here. He doesn't know where 'here' is."
She relaxed. A little.
"I didn't expect to see you," she said.
"Why not? You know how I feel about you."
The implied follow-up being: but I don't know how you feel about me.
She couldn't blame him for being confused. After all, *she* was confused.
"I meant, I didn't think your dad would let you." See me.
"He doesn't know I'm here," Ricky repeated.
Right. Tuesday. Bowling night. But...
"Why are you here?" Truth was, she *didn't* know how he felt about her. About *all* of her. Their relationship hadn't exactly been clear before Noel... before she realized what she'd done to them.
On the one hand, they'd finally had it out Thursday night. ("Finally." They'd been together three weeks.)
On the other hand, they'd had sex Friday night after she'd snuck out as Sapphire.
No, that wasn't sex. Angela remembered the feeling she had waking up in Ricky's arms Saturday morning. That was love.
But they hadn't really talked -- they'd just acted like everything was okay. Ignorant bliss.
And then she'd learned about Noel, and... well, she hadn't come back around to figuring out where that left her and Ricky.
Maybe that's why he'd come around. To figure it out.
Or maybe he'd figured it out, and he was here to tell her. That seemed more like Ricky.
Maybe he'd found out about Sapphire's success. Was there something in the paper? She hadn't even thought to check.
Angela blinked. Ricky hadn't answered her question.
Why are you here?
"About Sapphire."
Angela held her breath.
"I've been giving it a lot of thought."
As if it was his decision.
Well, actually, in a way it was. Not whether she would be Sapphire, but whether she and Ricky could be together.
The last time they'd talked about it boiled down to her challenging him to say it could work. He didn't.
She hoped he wasn't here to impose his judgement on her about the foolish dangers of life as a superheroine.
Ricky took a deep breath and sighed it out. "I want to make this work."
Angela's heart soared.
And then stumbled.
Not 'I think this can work.'
Not 'I was wrong when I said it wouldn't work.'
His heart was talking, not his head.
But Ricky had a big heart.
And strong arms that welcomed her back. Made her feel safe.
Hands that soothed and excited. Reminded her she was a woman.
And lips that lied and said everything would be all right.
She could be Sapphire.
They could be together.
Angela held his face in her hands. "I'm sorry I left. It wasn't you."
"I know. It's okay. It's better this way."
He didn't have to say why. It was obvious. Now that she was out from under Noel Aquino's roof, they could have a normal relationship.
Whatever normal meant in a Sapphire context.
She kissed him more urgently. She remembered the pill she'd just taken and cursed the onset of its effect.
If she'd known he was coming, she wouldn't have taken it.
That wasn't true. If she'd known *why* he was coming, she wouldn't have taken it.
Even as she felt her emotions swell toward Ricky, she felt her whole self backsliding into Xanax. She knew she was being robbed of the moment's beauty -- of the appreciation of Ricky's sacrifice -- and that depressed her.
Her body physically responded to his touch, and she wanted to be swept by him, but with every passing second she felt herself shrinking away inside.
As delicately as he could: "I don't have much time."
He kissed her again, his lips lingering on her skin just a little longer.
He meant they didn't have much time for sex.
A normal relationship would have to wait.
But she didn't want that right now. Didn't want to talk. Talking just made things worse. She remembered the beautiful feeling she had Saturday morning. And she chased it.
Ohh... he was hard. The tip grazed her hip through their clothing. His hands slid up her sides...
Ohh...
Ricky got better at arousing her every time. It was like he'd been studying hard between. Like he'd never stopped thinking about her. She almost didn't feel alone in her Xanax tunnel. His hands, his body, his whispers reached through the darkness to calm and connect. A waking dream.
Still, the way Ricky acted now fell short of what she'd hoped.
Of what she needed.
He was too focused. Direct. Physical.
But maybe it wasn't his fault. Maybe she was just too flat to feel the emotion in his touches.
At least he was gentle. At least he lingered.
No one else had ever really managed that.
That alone made it special.
As she felt him mount her, she wondered if anyone else could even reach her physically when she was trapped in Lady Xanax' embrace. She wondered if it was love that reached her, even if her heart couldn't feel it.
Ricky's thrusting grew quick. Too soon.
She supposed it was simple inexperience that kept Ricky from knowing she wasn't close.
The same inexperience that made the act mercifully brief once he'd gotten to it.
(Ricky's thrusting suddenly stopped; she vaguely felt his fading surges inside her.)
Or maybe it wasn't just inexperience. After all, how could he start off so adept and finish so quickly?
He'd been better before. When she was still living there.
Before she really knew about Noel.
And right after she'd had success as Sapphire.
Maybe it wasn't inexperience. Maybe Ricky was being selfish.
Or maybe she was being difficult.
He got up to throw the condom in the trash. Leaving her alone.
When he came back, he didn't lay down next to her. He started to get dressed.
Had he just come over for sex?
Is that all he wanted to make work?
"Where are you going?"
"I've got to get back." Before Noel got home.
"I thought he didn't finish until almost 9."
"It's all the way across town."
"Ricky, it's only 7."
"He might come home early."
"Then maybe you shouldn't have come here at all."
"Maybe you're right." Ricky seemed suddenly very snippy.
It hurt. She lashed out. "What the hell is up with you, Ricky?"
"You've changed," Ricky said, tying his shoes.
Angela's heart skipped a beat. He must know about Friday night.
But her dander was up -- without thinking, she turned it around.
"*I've* changed? You're the one who turned into Captain Horndog all of a sudden."
He turned it back. "Yeah. You've been that way from the beginning."
Ouch. She thought of the time she'd flashed him in his room. And the time she'd posed for him. And all the times she'd gone out as Sapphire and ended up... dirty. "That's not fair. I can't help it."
"Look. I'm just trying to follow your lead. I don't know what you want. If you think sex is a problem, let's work it out. Or if that's just too hard, considering your... well, you know; if that's all it is then we'll just back off and start over. Or not even start."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean if I have to give up sex to save the relationship, I'll do it."
Strong words from a sixteen year old. Who'd just made a booty call.
Stop it, Angela. It's not like that. Besides, you're as guilty as he is.
Of course, if anyone could say something so absurd and yet be totally serious -- and totally believeable -- Ricky could. Did.
"It's not that, Ricky. God, sometimes the way you touch me, I..." She trailed off to a fiery blush. "Ahem. Anyway, I know *I* have problems in that area but I also know we can work them out."
"Fine. Whatever." He stood up to go. What was his problem? Why was he being such a jerk? Was he embarassed? No, he might hide his face or pull away a little if she embarassed him, but he wouldn't walk out on her like this. He was angry. Wounded.
She was afraid to say anything. Talking just made things worse. If they talked they'd just remember why this couldn't work.
But she couldn't let him go like this. It was like something changed while he was here.
You've changed, he'd said.
He was at the door.
"Please." It was all she could think to say.
He didn't look at her. He stood there, doorknob in hand. "You already went back to them." To the sapphires.
"How did you know?" It was a stupid question. It was an admission. The answer didn't matter. The question didn't matter. But she had to say something or he'd leave. And if he left now he might not come back.
He let go of the doorknob. "Friday night. I didn't realize it then. But you were different. It wasn't until tonight, when we were... together again that I figured it out." Ricky turned around, his eyes meeting hers. "You weren't afraid."
Was it that obvious? Did just one night out as Sapphire change her so much? Was she so easy to read?
To Ricky she was.
Her voice was tentative. "I thought you said you wanted to make this work." Her eyes searched for compassion.
"But you'd already decided. You're already doing it."
"But last time, Thursday, you said..." did he? she couldn't remember his exact words, just the horrible feeling. "You broke up with me."
"I didn't say that, Angela. I said it wouldn't work if you went back to being Sapphire."
A few words did come back to her. "You said you couldn't love me."
But tonight he said it *could* work. He said she *could* be Sapphire again. What difference did it make *when* she did?
"No, I said I couldn't love you from afar. I still can't. And I want to make this work. But..."
"What?"
"When I realized you're already Sapphire again, it's like you already chose her over me."
Her. Like Sapphire was a different person. "Ricky, 'she' is me. Sapphire is who I am. I can't help it, and I can't pretend it never happened. I don't know why you can't understand that."
"I do. I didn't before but I do now. It's why I came here. But... it still seems like I'm not as important to you as you are to me." He looked away, but not before she saw the tears welling up in his eyes.
She ran to him. Wrapped her arms around him from behind. She was naked, but she didn't care. He'd seen all of her. She needed him to know he had all of her.
"Ricky, you know I still love you." Still. Like she'd loved him forever. Yet she now realized she'd never said it before. "No one means more to me now." She stopped short of saying 'ever' because she couldn't compare Ricky to her mom, and there was a time when her mom was all she'd had. Now he was all she had. "But I am who I am, and I can't do anything about it. I can't control how you feel about it. I can't give up. If you leave me, I have to keep going, even if I don't want to. And I'll still love you."
He turned around in her arms; she squeezed him more tightly, pressing her head against his chest. "I'll always love you, Ricky. Even if you didn't love me anymore, even if it doesn't work out, even if I couldn't ever see you again..."
"Stop." Ricky pulled her head up to look at her. "Don't say that. Don't *ever* say that."
He suddenly kissed her.
Deeply.
Desperately.
As if to reach into her soul and forever take away every word that could describe them apart.