Laura Alban Hunt

Chapter 8 -- The Retreat -- Friday

Finally it was the Friday afternoon of the retreat, and like others, we gathered at the high school after school was out. We boarded two school buses to ride a few miles north to a desert resort north of town.

There was an orientation for the girls, an orientation for the parent chaperones. I sat next to Linda and traded smiles. It was all normal, the rules and things pretty standard. It wasn't until right after that, that I learned the distinction between an overnight chaperone and the rest of the chaperones.

Nancy asked me if Linda and I would stay after the main orientation, so we did. Then the three of us walked down a hall, into a small conference room. There was an older woman sitting at one of the tables, leafing through some papers. She got up when we entered.

"Laura, this is Marybeth Miller, Marybeth, Laura Alban Hunt," Nancy said, introducing us.

I shook her hand. Marybeth was tanned dark, she was on the short, muscular end of the spectrum. My first thought was that she was a coach too, someone who'd been at it for a lot longer than Nancy. Marybeth had dark blonde hair and blue eyes; she was maybe ten years older than me. She was wearing black jeans, a black, pearl-buttoned blouse, and she was wearing an inordinate amount of turquoise jewelry on her wrists and around her neck.

With that, Nancy stepped close to Marybeth and kissed her in a full open mouth, a lot of tongue action kiss. "Tongue sister," she murmured when they broke.

"Tongue sister," Marybeth agreed.

Nancy then kissed Linda, and they exchanged the same words. Then it was my turn, and when she said, "Tongue sister." I replied in kind.

Then Linda kissed me the same way, and we exchanged greetings. Then it was Marybeth's turn. She kissed as hotly as Nancy or Linda, but afterwards she met my eye. "Tongue half sister."

I knew I had a curious expression on my face. Marybeth still had her arms around my shoulders. She moved a bit further back; the back of her hand brushed the front of my slacks. "Full sisters before the weekend is over, I promise!" I blushed and she chuckled.

It wasn't until I saw Linda looking at me that I realized the distinction Marybeth had made with me and what that meant. And that Linda and I had never been together, we had never even kissed. Linda didn't say anything, just stood looking at me. Plenty of time to talk later, I thought.

"Our responsibilities are simple, Laura," Nancy said after a minute.

"Along about ten tonight, the rest of the parents will have left."

She walked over to a white board, did a quick sketch of a 'T', only the top strokes were as wide as the long one. "Three corridors of rooms. The long single down stroke, those are the regular cheerleaders. Who sleeps with whom, is not a problem and is none of our business. Although it is theoretically possible that someone might try to sneak a boyfriend in -- that hasn't happened for years and years. No men are allowed on the floor, period. If you find one, boot him." I nodded.

"The right side corridor; that's to make it easy. Those are girls like your and Linda's daughters. Girls we are pretty sure of. What's left? Girls, girls, girls. Unknown quantities.

"The rules vary for each group. Lights are nominally out at ten thirty tonight, eleven tomorrow evening. Sunday is checkout. Seven in the morning is wake up for breakfast. Eight hours, more or less. We'll each take two hours, starting on the odd hours. For those two hours we pace up and down the hall.

"The regular cheer girls, unless they are loud, rude or otherwise making a fuss, are on their own recognizance, except of course, for guys. Also, no cigarettes, alcohol or drugs. If you find any of those, call me at once. It's not likely, but every now and then someone does something terminally stupid.

"So, unless they start getting frisky outside their rooms, they can move around at will, but not loiter in the hall. Little or no talking in the hall, either.

"The other groups... they are not allowed to wander the halls at all. The right stuff girls, were allowed to pick who they room with, and, before lights out, may change rooms. The left girls can't, unless I say they can. If they ask you, tell them that only I can make the change; don't tell them yes, no matter how much they beg or plead."

I nodded; it seemed very straightforward.

"When you are not walking the halls, where you are is up to you. Any of the regular squad, who meets your fancy. If a right girl comes on to you, that's okay too. It's better if you are in their room, as it makes for a more logical explanation."

Nancy looked at me. "Last year I warned Linda about Jackie; Jackie says I don't have to bother warning you, Laura."

"We've talked," I said mildly.

Nancy nodded. "I have to say I'm impressed. In the space of an hour you pulled Carolyn out of her shell and got her smooching in the hall, and got Jackie to say a kind word about one of us."

I met her eye; I considered saying that maybe if she had a kind word for Jackie that maybe that's what she'd get back. Decided that it was better to keep my mouth shut, at least here and now.

"You've all got the schedule, where you are supposed to be this evening, tomorrow and Sunday. Let's go have some fun, ladies! And let's make sure that our girls have a good time too! And that's all of them, left, right or center!"

I looked at my schedule and was surprised I had the very early morning shift, five to seven, on both nights. Odds were, I thought, that everyone would be exhausted and asleep; I got up that early most days anyway. It wasn't going to be a stretch, I thought.

There was a reason, I learned, why the 'cheerleaders retreat' was scheduled the way it was; the following Monday was a teacher in-service day. The girls had no school, and Nancy had a short day.

At six, there was a dinner, where this year's cheerleaders sat at the head table. Nancy gave a short, positive, promotional speech, then one by one the cheerleaders got up and talked about what cheer meant to them.

It was particularly motivating, I thought. It meant a lot for these girls. Once again I remembered why I'd never done it, and for the millionth time in my life, cursed myself back then.

There were sixteen girls, five of them seniors. Gail was one of the first speakers, and she talked about a lot of the usual things before she branched off. "I've learned to be self-confident. I've learned how to deal with other people, even those I'm not that good of friends with; maybe we're not all friends, but we're all on the some team. That counts for a lot. We work hard together and that's what it's all about.

"I've learned how to deal with mistakes I make; how to deal with mistakes others make. It's too easy to minimize the former and maximize the latter; it's one of the things I'm proud of the most: I've found a balance. I've learned how to lose gracefully and win without smirking... too much." Everyone laughed. "I have, in short, learned how to be on the team."

There was more than the usual polite applause.

Later it was Jackie's turn. "When I was little, my sister was always there, ahead of me. She was athletic and I was not. She was a good student and I wasn't. She wanted to be a cheerleader and I decided that it was stupid jumping up and down and shouting yourself hoarse.

"I was in junior high when my dad took me to a Cardinal's game. I'd seen football games on TV, and I have to admit that even now I'm not sure I want to be in a stadium with a hundred thousand screaming fans again.

"But, I mean, how can you sit in your chair unmoved, with people jumping up and down, shouting and screaming all around you? Toward the end of the game, the score was tied and Arizona had the ball... that was when the cheerleaders really started working on the crowd.

"It's cosmic, let me tell you. Cosmic. My dad turned to me and said, 'They're rabble rousers, but they are our rabble rousers!' And he was screaming along with everyone else. Me too."

"Later I thought about it. Phoenix won the game; it was pretty clear the cheering and screaming had made the difference.

"I learned that night, that I wasn't as smart as I thought I was." She laughed, obviously at herself. "Once you learn that, why all sorts of things happen. Like I found I was more athletic than I thought. That Coach Howland didn't care at all about what my sister did in cheer, she wanted to see what I could do. I learned a lot from my teammates; not the least what it means to be a team. I had a 2.2 GPA in junior high. At Scottsdale I've been on the honor roll every semester I've been in high school, my GPA is 3.75.

"The most important thing I've learned, since realizing how little I knew? How important each of us is. Each in our own way." She nodded to Nancy. "Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Coach."

The last speech was interesting in several different ways. The girl was introduced as Amy Becker; she couldn't stand behind the podium, because she was perhaps 4' 10" tall, and it would have obscured her completely. Instead, she reached up, tugged the microphone down to her level, standing next to it.

For a moment she looked out over the audience. She had platinum blonde hair, done up in lovely braids, plus two thin French braids down each side of her face. Her eyes were as blue as her hair was blonde; she had the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen.

I watched her eyes and then smiled myself. Some are going to think she's nervous, trying to psyche herself up. What she really is, is the queen of all she surveys, waiting for the right moment to start. I thought that, then felt that sharp pang I'd been experiencing since the night with Gail. Even more acute than usual.

"I was born small," Amy said without a hint she was about to speak. "I've been small ever since."

She pointed a finger at Nancy. "That woman saw me, and didn't think small." She waved around to her fellow cheerleaders. "They saw me... and they didn't think small."

Her eyes roamed the room. "For the first time in my life, people were treating me like a person, like a young adult, not a small girl.

"I don't have a lot of words, but I don't think small. Inside, I'm ten feet tall and when I stand with my cheerleader sisters, I am ten feet tall."

That was it; she walked back to her seat and sat down. I was disappointed that there wasn't more applause; I thought her speech was easily the best. Even without the tingle between my legs.

Nancy got up and said a few more words, mostly kind words for the school and the principal for supporting the team, some local businesses that helped out, then the parent volunteers who helped with everything, including this evening.

I sat in my chair for a bit, after things started to break up. Nancy walked by and I motioned to her.

"I told you about my own history with cheerleading." She nodded.

"It's easy to look back and say, oh well, twenty-twenty hindsight," I went on. "I have a favor to ask; really two favors."

She smiled. "Ask away, Laura, I don't know if I can do them, but I'll surely try."

"I want to help you in any way I can. We can talk about that later, but I was thinking there is one place in particular I'd like to work.

"I want to work with the tryouts. I want to work with the shy, clueless girls like myself, who for whatever reason, haven't come into their own yet. Girls too embarrassed to try a leg lift, knowing they won't be as good as someone who'd been practicing a decade or so."

"You mean the ones who don't make the squad?" her voice was neutral.

"Those. I heard someone use the word 'scrub' the other day at the party at my house. Those girls."

"You realize that some girls, no matter how much good will and effort you put into it, just don't make the cut?"

"I'm not a 'save the world' sort of person, Nancy. I would be content to help just one girl avoid looking back twenty years later and wishing she would have been smart enough to do the damn leg lift and the hell with the consequences."

"Language, Laura." She smiled. "We are ladies, after all.

"I'll think about it. There's a reason why vets put down animals that are very sick or badly lamed. You can prolong their agony, but you aren't able to affect the final outcome. You just prolong their suffering."

"The problem with that is that we're people," I told her. "We shouldn't give up nearly as easily when it's one of us." Nancy nodded, and moved off to speak to some people.

Some other parents came up, bright and smiling with a thirteen year old daughter who reminded me of myself; wanting something very much, not sure if she was good enough. I was curious so I walked closer to listen in.

Nancy gave a fair account of the physical requirements, with the girl's parents nodding.

Nancy went on; I listened for a bit, going from nodding agreement to disbelief and then shock, all in a few seconds. I tried not to have any expression; instead I smiled at them then turned and walked away, straight outside until I was by a small lake.

A gaggle of ducks swam by a few yards offshore; ducks in Arizona? Who would have thought!

Maybe, I thought, I should reconsider this. Nancy had finished describing the requirements to the girl's parents, then had gone on to the some of the activities the cheerleaders did, over and above jumping up and down, inciting crowds at games.

What had Jackie said? She was the token straight? And Nancy? She had told me I could have my pick of any member of the squad. That meant, a prerequisite for being a cheerleader was being gay and being willing to sleep with people like Nancy, like Linda. Above all, like me.

If I'd have been drunk, I would have been instantly sober at that moment. It was an effort not to throw up.

Each of the four adults had our own room; I was tempted to run up to mine, lock the door and not come out until my assigned times.

Something Roger had said, the first time I'd heard it anywhere. I'd heard it a lot of times since. "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem." That was me; the problem.

I went back inside, putting my blandest face on my sleeve. I spent a bit talking to Susan, a bit talking to Gail, a bit talking to Linda. I tried to put away the sick feeling I had inside me; I managed to be polite and function, but it stayed in my midsection, like an insoluble lump.

Things finally started to break up, parents were leaving, girls were sorting themselves out, who was going to be in which room.

Nancy got on the room microphone, reminded everyone of the rules one last time, pointed out Linda, Marybeth and myself as the chaperones. "If you have any problems with anything, see one of the four of us, we'll see it gets taken care of, okay?"

Then they were heading for their rooms, only a few standing and waiting for the elevators, most went up the stairs. It was ten thirty, and I knew Nancy had the first shift.

It didn't take long for everyone to get in their rooms; all four of us were there, talking and answering questions; finally Nancy began to chivvy the girls into their rooms, and they went.

Right at the last minute, I went into the cheerleader's corridor, looking for Jackie, found her talking to one of the other cheerleaders in their room. "Are you going to be here in a bit?" I saw her roommate look at me and shake her head, slightly aghast.

Jackie saw it and grinned. "You want to talk right?"

"Yes."

"Cool. I'd like that. How's Sherrie doing?"

"She seems happy enough."

"Thanks for letting her sleep at your place."

I knew Jackie was putting her roommate on; I wasn't sure why. What the heck, why not? "She's a sweet girl, Jackie. I like her. Ann's nice too. I'll be back in a bit, when we've got the others settled down."

I made a mental note of the room number and went and finished up with the last of the bedding down. I saw Linda talking to Susan, Marybeth was talking to one of the regular cheerleaders; it wasn't hard to figure out who was going to go where.

I contemplated my daughter, without actually looking at her. Was this Susan's genuine choice? I had to say it was. Jamie's too; Gail's as well. I wondered what would happen if I asked Sherrie the same question I was about to ask Jackie for the second time?

I walked down the corridor, saw Marybeth go into one of the rooms. I knocked on Jackie's door and went in.

She was alone, now. "Funny, every year I've asked Nancy for a room of my own; she keeps assigning me a roommate. Then either I have to find an empty room, or my roommate leaves... once I got to listen, even if I didn't watch." She nodded at the bathroom. "I went in the bathroom, put on my earphones and read until I was so tired I could barely stay awake."

"I want to ask you the question I asked you the other day at my house. This time," I told her, "I'd appreciate the truth. What do you really think about all this?"

She looked at me, "Figure that out all by yourself, or did Sherrie maybe say something?"

"I was thinking I was going to go home Sunday and ask her this too. But no, I haven't talked to her."

"I'm here on sufferance," Jackie told me straight out. "For Sherrie, it wasn't exactly sufferance, but let's just say there was pressure for her to 'broaden her horizons.'" She was silent for a bit. "Then Ann decided she didn't want to go out for the team as a senior, and the pressure got really severe. Fortunately, there was another girl in the same boat, and she and Sherrie spent time together crying on each other's shoulders."

"You are the only straight on the squad?" I asked Jackie, and she nodded.

"There are a couple of them who don't care where they get their jollies, but yeah, usually straights need not apply."

"I can't believe no one's noticed."

Jackie just shrugged. "It's a kind of incest, Laura. They almost never go outside the group, unless it's someone like your daughter or Linda's who are all but guaranteed a free pass once they get old enough. There are a couple of parties every year for the wannabes, they get ah, filtered, there. You know how that works, you've been there."

Yes indeed, I'd been there.

"What does Nancy tell someone who's qualified and straight?"

"This weekend is a tryout; they put all the girls together, to see what happens. Some of them will get an invitation to join the team when school starts in the fall. There will be regular tryouts then too, where anyone can try.

"Here, straight girls don't get invitations to join the team; no explanation given. In the fall, they are told sorry, all the spots are filled. You do have to be at least minimally competent to make the team; although there was a girl when I was a freshman that Marybeth really liked." Jackie grimaced. "They made her the squad manager. Since then, they keep the job open just for that."

She could see the expression on my face; there was no way to hide it. "Come on Laura, they say you're cool. That's code for having passed the test by sleeping with more than one of us; the younger the better."

I squared my shoulders, imagining looking at myself in a mirror. "I know it sounds self-serving and maybe no one else on the planet agrees, but I find I have less problem sleeping with a thirteen year old, than I do with telling a qualified person she can't be on cheer because she's straight. Or like me, when I was your age, nothing at all."

"Nothing at all?" Then her expression widened. "Oh, like me. I say straight, but you're right. I'm not ready yet to be anything at all."

There was a soft knock on the door, and Jackie got up. It was the short blonde girl, Amy. "Am I interrupting anything? I can go," Amy said.

"No, come on in, Amy. We're just sitting here, talking," Jackie told her.

Amy looked at me, then at Jackie. "No, Amy, don't even think it! We're just talking, Amy. You know me. Nothing's changed." Jackie laughed.

"I'm sorry... it's just Gail doesn't want to hear it's that time of the month. I don't want to fool around."

"Is Gail bothering you?" I asked mildly.

"Well, she's not always happy to hear 'no,'" Amy said.

There was another knock at the door. Jackie started to get up, and I waved her back, sure who I'd find. I was right. "Good evening, Gail." She looked past me and saw Jackie and Amy sitting on chairs.

"I wanted to apologize to Amy."

I opened the door, and let her in. "I'm sorry, Amy." Gail said rather perfunctorily. "I know you got PMS, I was just hoping..."

"Gail," I said quietly, she met my eyes. "Chill." I gestured toward the door. "You've apologized, let's leave it at that, okay?"

She looked at my breasts, lower down. "You doing anything, Laura?"

"Talking to Jackie," I told her. "If you want to talk," I put heavy emphasis on the word, "we can talk. Or you can find someone else."

She looked away. "Sorry." She turned and walked out.

"Thanks," Amy murmured.

I shook my head. I had heard over and over it wasn't supposed to be like this. Wasn't like this. With my newfound qualms, I was very upset. "Hey, that time of the month happens to all of us. We shouldn't make it any harder on a friend than it has to be," I told her, trying to be as neutral as I could.

Amy sighed. "Gail isn't exactly a friend."

"Persistent, though," Jackie interjected, and Amy nodded.

My blood was coming to a boil; I was hearing things I did not want to hear. Was this the path I was going down? Where eventually my own desires would trump common decency and sense? It wasn't a pretty thing to contemplate.

I looked at the two girls in the room with me. I'd felt physical attraction toward Amy, none toward Jackie. It would be, I thought, a very good idea to find out just how far actual practice varied from what I'd been told.

"I think that's another of those prerequisites we were talking about a while ago," I said with a smile pasted on my face. "A pain, I expect, sometimes.

"Oh, by the way, I really liked your speech Amy, I thought it was the best of them."

She shrugged. "Not many people seemed to agree."

I laughed. "It's a matter of timing. If the speeches had been before dinner and yours had been last, you'd have brought down the house."

She looked at me as if I was crazy.

"About then," Jackie said, "everyone was bored, ready for something different. Food would have been popular, real popular. Someone with a short speech... equally popular."

Amy nodded, then turned to me. "You really liked my speech?"

"I did," I told her, remembering the thrill between my legs and the lump I felt now. This was something I simply had to resolve.

"Can I ask you a personal question, Amy?" She shrugged.

"Did anyone help you with it?"

Amy shook her head emphatically no.

"Nancy will help with grammar, if you ask. Otherwise, you're supposed to either do it yourself or work with some of the other team members."

"Supposed to as in opposed to what?"

"Some of the girls crib from prior year speeches. We have to turn them in, afterwards." Jackie said.

"Can I ask you a personal question, Laura?" Amy asked.

"I don't think I can say no, can I?"

"Do you really like sleeping with girls my age?" she asked.

"Yes," I said without embellishment.

"Why?" Amy asked.

"The truth," Jackie said, just like I'd asked her.

"The truth? The first time I was embarrassed... but it was a big turn on. The next time I was embarrassed and it was a bigger turn on. The third time, I was seriously excited and no longer embarrassed. A very big turn on.

"The only thing I find where I have any shred of self respect is that they all came to me, not the other way around."

"And Carolyn?" Jackie asked. "Have you been with her?"

"No." I decided that wasn't true enough. "I told her we both had to think about it for a week."

"And that was just before she went out and started kissing Jamie?" Jackie asked.

I nodded.

"Are you attracted to me?" Amy asked, "To Jackie?"

"Not Jackie." I met Jackie's eyes. "Not Sherrie, not Ann. And I'm not just saying it. There are people who I'm interested in. There are some I'm not. I won't lie to you about either, okay?"

"And me?" Amy persisted.

I closed my eyes. "Of everyone I've seen here this weekend, you were the one I would most like to be with."

"Oh," Amy said softly.

I looked at her again, felt the same pang as before, made far worse by proximity, tempered considerably by the lump in my middle.

Jackie laughed, "You do have it bad! Why were you in here, instead of..."

"I told you. I have more problems with what Nancy is doing with the squad than who sleeps with whom. I wanted to know what's going on.

"Jackie, you've made a choice about who you want to sleep with. Other people make choices. As a parent, I want my daughter to make good choices, but I don't get make her choices, I just advise her. Only my daughter gets unsolicited advice. I probably have an opinion I could give anyone who had something they wanted to ask about, but it's my opinion, my advice. But it's my choice."

"What's wrong with what Nancy's doing?" Amy asked.

"The fact that you can't be straight and join. The fact that I was told no one pushed, but I see a lot of pushing going on. I'm really uncomfortable with that."

"Jackie's straight," Amy said. She was, I thought, focused on what was important to her, not what was important to me. That was probably a good thing, all things considered.

"Except, Jackie was certified cool by her sister. Who, I might add, was quite forthright telling me about the problems she had. Jackie repeated them to me just now, too.

"I asked Nancy if I could work with the scrubs..."

I explained my story and it was Jackie who nodded. "Sounds like your coach in high school was Nancy's clone sister."

"I wasn't qualified the first year, I've never been shy about admitting it. But I was ready the second year and the years after that. In our school, the team voted on you if you passed the physical tests; they voted me down three times."

"Because you were nothing," Jackie murmured.

"Nothing?" Amy asked.

"Practicing abstinence," Jackie said. "An under-appreciated virtue."

"I don't know. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I met someone like my husband in high school. We made love on our third date; I was never unhappy with him, I wanted to be with him. If he was still alive, I'd want to be with him now."

Amy nodded. "Mom says the same thing. She looked into Dad's eyes the first time they met and said 'This is the guy for me!'" Amy giggled. "She told me she put out on her first date. But, she told me, it was the one and only time that happened because she never dated anyone else after that.

"Laura, can I tell you a secret?" Amy asked. "You promise you won't tell Nancy or anyone else?"

"I promise."

"Mom told me that cheer was an important thing I needed to do so I could get into a good college. Do what you have to do, she told me, and don't tell me about it until I'm a grandmother. When it came time to talk to Nancy, I told her I was gay, because I was pretty sure she was. I told her that while I was pretty sure, I wasn't ready to play around yet, but that I liked her and..." She looked at me. "I won't say I didn't like being with Nancy; I did. A little."

"I was told, the girl always had to initiate things," I said, feeling my temper starting to boil again. "That you could ask, but if she said no, that was it."

"Oh for the wannabes, yeah," Jackie said. "But on the team, there are only a few excuses why you don't want to get it on with someone who asks. Sure, if you're going with someone, that works, but if you're not, there is a lot of pressure to be with someone."

I sat there for a while, gazing at the wall; the other two girls were quiet too. "I'm sorry," I told them eventually. "I think I've made a big mistake."

I was surprised when Jackie spoke up. "I don't think it's that big of a mistake. You said something that made me think. About whose choice it is. I bet, you didn't come on to one of the girls you've been with."

"No, I didn't."

"Well, you're right. You made a choice. I've made a choice. If I don't want people criticizing my choice, or worse, who want to make it for me, it's not for me to criticize someone else or try to make their choice, either."

"The golden rule," Amy added, nodding.

"So, I can just walk out the door, meet someone who decides, 'Laura Alban Hunt! Just gotta be with her!' you wouldn't see anything wrong?" I asked them.

Jackie shook her head. Amy said, "No."

Jackie sighed, "I lied when I said I wasn't anything. I am a masturbator. All this talk has gotten me just a little... interested. I'm kind of thinking I was going to ask you two to leave. So I could relax or something."

"Thanks for the conversation, Jackie," I said.

"Oh, thank you for the stimulating conversation!" she replied and we all laughed.

I got up and Amy did too, the two of us going out the door. I saw the light go out an instant later.

Amy saw it too and giggled. "Thanks, Laura."

"Want me to walk you to your room? In case Gail is around?"

"I'd appreciate that," Amy said.

It was just four doors down, in the direction of my room. She unlocked the door and opened it. I was about to bid her goodnight and Amy looked like she was about to say something, but she stopped, the words unspoken.

I glanced past her, and inside I could see Nancy, sitting on a girl's face; the girl was too heavily obscured for me to even guess who it was. Gail was sitting on the same girl's thighs, facing Nancy. Nancy was having her pussy licked, while kissing Gail, Gail was finger fucking the girl beneath her, and the girl was doing it back to Gail.

The two of us stepped back, Amy closing the door as she did.

I saw her eyes go up and down the hall; I had to admit the thought of knocking on doors to find one where the activity was at a lower level, was seriously unappealing.

Without thinking, I asked if she'd like to come to my room. I saw the look in her eyes; not for the first time I was profoundly embarrassed.

"I promise I will not hit on you," I told Amy. "We can just sit and talk, or you can sleep; you can have the bed or the sofa, which ever you prefer. I'll be somewhere else. This is your choice, Amy."

We went to my room, one of the ones right at the junction of the corridors. Nancy's room was across the hall; Marybeth was down the left corridor, Linda down the wannabe right.

I saw Marybeth stride past the intersection, smile at me, at Amy. I looked at my watch. It was already after one? It didn't seem possible that we'd talked that long.

Still, Amy was interested in talking, so we sat at the table in my room, and did just that for close to an hour. I was the one who yawned first. Amy smiled.

"This has been nice, Laura." she giggled, obviously embarrassed. "Now I have to go pee."

She vanished into the bathroom; I was a little surprised I wasn't feeling the urge myself.

Amy came out, and stood for a moment looking at me. Wondering, I thought, if I needed to use the room. When I didn't say anything or show signs of getting up, Amy walked closer. "Laura..."

"Yes, Amy?"

"Those times when someone was with me, I liked it. I liked coming when someone licked me between the legs. It seems too ickie for me to want to do it to them, but I liked it when they did it for me. If it wasn't that time of the month, I'd want you to kiss me there."

"And I told you that I wasn't going to hit on you, so don't worry about it. I really meant it."

"I know. I like you; I really like you. That's part of the reason." She bit her lip. "Could we just sit and kiss?"

I swallowed, looking at her. Could I just sit and kiss her? At least one adult here needed to be able to look these girls in the eye and tell her the truth. "Amy, I do want you. I'm not sure if I could do just that."

"Would you stop if I asked?"

"That I would." At least if I had any shred of self-respect left. I had trouble imagining how I could exhaust it, but the vision of Nancy in bed with two other girls was troubling.

So, that's what we did. We moved to the couch, tried to arrange it so that we could kiss; not the easiest thing in the world to do, when you're more than a foot taller than the person you want to kiss. Amy was shy and tentative, and evidently she had a lot more experience being kissed that kissing herself. After a half hour or so, I felt her tongue; it had been sweet and tender, I was tempted to tell her it wasn't a good idea to push forward, but when I opened my eyes to look at her she had a small, elfin smile and was almost glowing with pleasure.

I took care to not push things and again for a while it was sweet and tender. Eventually Amy pulled back. "My lips are so tired." She smiled at me, still glowing.

"It takes a while to develop really long term endurance. When my husband and I first started dating we'd kiss for a long time; I used to keep Chap Stick in my purse, and as soon as he'd take me back to the dorm, I'd use it."

Amy giggled at that, and stared at me, her eyes bright. "I'd like to touch you, Laura." She was looking at my breasts.

I leaned close, gently kissed her forehead. "Can I tell you something, Amy? Something maybe an older sister might tell her younger sister?"

She nodded.

"Amy, it doesn't matter who you are with. Me, another girl, a boy; it doesn't matter. You need to set limits. Here." I tapped her forehead. "You don't have to tell who you are with what they are, but you have to ask them to please stop, if they cross the line. If they don't take no for an answer, Amy, that's a really bad sign. You have to just stop.

"But once you set that line, Amy, you can't move it. Not all at once. The next day, the next date, whatever... but the first time you move the line when you're with someone, particularly if you've told them where the line is... Amy, after that, the lines get a little thin and vague. Do it a second time and you can pretty well forget about drawing lines.

"You're the one who has to set limits for yourself, Amy. You have to control those limits.

"And, speaking now, for myself, if someday you're where I am now, you have to recognize someone else's limits, and if they tell you what they are, you have to respect them. Don't try to push beyond them. And if someone says they've changed their mind... if you care for them at all, you have speak up and tell them as much as you'd like to go there, it's not fair to the person you are with."

She looked at me, a sober expression on her face. "Thank you, Laura." She leaned close, hugged me. "Thank you."

She put her head on my shoulder, kept it there for quite a few minutes. Then she lifted back up. "You're different than the others. They are okay, but you're... I don't know the words. Different. Very nice different."

"Thank you, Amy." I hugged her and she glowed, just glowed.

"Laura, can I ask you a favor?"

"Like I said, sure."

"I understand about what you just said about limits and things, but... could we... I mean... please... could we get undressed, just go to bed? Just put your arms around me, and hold me. No kissing, even."

I contemplated that, decided that if she wanted to trust me, the least I could do was honor that trust. For the first time since Gail, I was sure of myself; I could and would do this. Amy trusted me, and if nothing else, she deserved to have that trust put in the right place. I didn't have to follow Linda and Gail and the others down the wrong path.

We undressed, and Amy curled up into a ball, I spooned up behind to her, and rested my hand on her shoulder. She reached up and put her hand on mine.

It was nice, I thought, a few seconds later. Amy had fallen asleep almost the instant her head hit the pillow. Me, who'd been yawning a while ago, was now wide-awake.

What in the world was I going to do? I was absolutely dead certain that if I pulled back in my 'support' for Nancy and the cheerleaders, Susan's chance to make the squad would vanish. Nancy's lifestyle, I was sure, was a careful balancing act. Fairly safe, I thought; the ones who were rebuffed were ones who had no idea what acceptance would have entailed. For sure no one had ever figured it out, because if they had everything would have come to a crashing stop almost instantly.

Then there was the fact that making love to Gail, Susan and Jamie had been the best sex I ever had. Being with Nancy had been every bit as satisfying as being with Roger. Just thinking back on it, my pulse quickened, my breathing accelerated... except when I thought about Gail.

I snuggled up to Amy, kissed the top of her head gently, then closed my eyes and willed myself to sleep. More than enough time to think about things while I was walking up and down the hallways later. Tomorrow I would talk to Gail. These people had created something I thought was good, even if I doubted very many people would agree. It seemed to me that they'd lost sight of what they were doing, and where they were going and how they planned to get there. Hubris or self-interest, I didn't know which, but I was going to fix it.