This is a story. It never happened and never will. The General Disclaimer is incorporated herein by reference.

BR&T date: summer 1995

"Lady and gentlemen, boys and girl, welcome to the Incan temple, Agaddabiggabona. I'll be your guide for this part of the tour, to demonstrate the way the ancient Incans used this table. You'll spend two hours at this exhibit, then move on to make room for the second group to arrive here today. Each group gets just two hours; we're very strict about that."

"First I need to correct something. We call this an Incan temple, and use the word Incan often, because that's what everyone expects when they think of Peru, but this is actually a Moche temple, built and furnished by the ancient Moche people, who also lived in what is now Peru. They created all the artwork and artifacts you'll see today. Even the name we use for the temple was the name given to it by ancient Incan visitors, not the Moche who built it. They had a different name for it. Can anyone tell me the Moche name?"

"That's right, I'm amazed you knew that, sir. Wottalodabul. But don't say it in that tone, alright? In any case, from now on, instead of the Moche people and the Moche name for the temple, I'll use the Incan name and refer to Incans, despite it being technically incorrect, since Incans were only tourists here, as you all are."

"I'll need a volunteer. No, a female volunteer. Ah, thank you, I have two volunteers. Mother and daughter, am I right?"

"Thank you for volunteering, lady, but I think you'd rather see the exhibit on fertility rites. Trust me, you'd like that one better. It's down that hall, on the far side of the temple. Yes, that way, go on, you'll love it. And please take your husband with you. Thank you."

"Oh, that tour lasts until closing time, but your daughter will have a full day at other exciting temple exhibits designed for girls her age, I can promise you."

"Whew. That, folks, could have been very awkward. Our apologies; they're supposed to be separated out before they get this far. Someone is going to get his ears chewed off for that mistake."

"So, what's your name, sweetheart?"

"Sara? That's a beautiful name. Your middle name?"

"Ahhh, Sara Jessica, a doubly-beautiful name. I didn't catch your last name. Oh, thank you. How old are you, Sara Jessica Carson?"

"Good. Nine is a good age. A little high, but still quite suitable. Please sit on the table here. Thank you, Sara."

"Now, folks, from the carvings on the sides, you might have thought this was a table used in fertility rites. You'd be on the right track, but you'd be way off. Believe me when I say fertility is nothing the Incans would have wanted at this rite, nor tolerated. No, gentlemen and boys, this table was used in virility rites. I'll need five volunteers."

"Thank you, but I can't take all of you. Some of you will have to be content just to watch the first part."

"I see several familiar faces. We get a lot of repeat tourists on this particular exhibit. You've gone first on previous visits, I'm sure, so please stand back and give someone else a chance this time."

"You sir, are you a gentleman? Yes? Then you'll have to step back and wait."

"How about you, sir? Not gentle at all? Excellent! Stand over here; you'll be first. And you, and you, and are these your two sons? Perfect."

"We have five now. The rest of you step back a little but pay close attention. Today you will see exactly how the ancient Incans conducted their virility rites, then everyone present will have the opportunity to participate at least twice each, if time allows."

"Oh, I didn't mean you, Miss Carson. You stay right there. In fact, lay down on the table and try to relax, sweetheart, or at least look like you're relaxed even if you aren't. Arms by your head, please. That's good."

"Now, guys, look at the base of the table. You'll find the actual ropes woven by the ancient Incans that have been used in these same rites for centuries. We will be using them today the same way they were used by the Incans."

"Yes, raise them up to the top of the table. Don't get ahead of me, son, wait for the rest of us. You'll see they have loops on the ends, braided so they tighten up when they're under stress. They will be under a lot of stress today, but they can take it. Place them over Sara's hands and slide them down to her wrists, then work the wooden levers at the base of the table to tighten them up."

"That's right, son, you've figured it out. You could be a native-born Incan."

"You other two, do the same here, putting the loops over Sara's feet. Slide her socks out of the way before tightening the ropes down around her ankles."

"Now don't fidget, Sara. And none of that kicking, either. You, sir, the first volunteer, your help is needed here. Good, you understand."

"Okay, now you can fidget and kick all you want, Sara. In fact, it's an important part of the rites. That's perfect, Sara, very authentic. Keep doing that. And I'm sure you will."

"Get her shoes and socks off her now. Bare feet were important to the Incan rites, naturally. You guys in the audience, yes, you may keep anything you pick up, as consolation for not getting to go first."

"Now, look in the base of the table again, on each end. Find the stone knives. Exquisite workmanship for ancients, don't you agree? No metal, yet still sharp as a razor all these centuries later. Use them to remove Sara's top, skirt, and panties. Don't be greedy, sir. Let the audience have all the pieces. Your reward is coming soon. I mean coming sooner."

"Perfect, Sara Jessica Carson! You've really got into the spirit of these rites! As soon as I saw you today I was sure you'd be perfect!"

"No, you needn't worry, folks. The other tours are all well out of earshot. Indeed, by the temple design, sir. The ancient Incans knew a thing or two about acoustics, too. No one outside this room can hear anything inside it, no matter how loud she gets."

"Now, you four guys by the ropes, make sure to get them tight. A little more, so her elbows and knees are at the edge of the table, arms and legs bent down along the sides. You can nudge her knees a little to open her up a bit more, if you want."

"Funny how nobody ever turns down that suggestion."

"In fact, if you look closely at the table by her knees on the sides, you'll find two sections that slide. Slide them up, swing them out, and lock them in place, and it will do exactly that, adjusting perfectly to hold her just as wide as you can get her. Those ancient Incans thought of everything!"

"Now everyone, form a full circle around the table, the four volunteers on the ropes going immediately after the first, and remember to shift one place to the right each time."

"Don't worry, everyone will get two turns. Except for Sara, of course. Sara will get... let's see... twenty-eight turns with this first group. I'll make sure we keep up the pace. That's part of my job. Then she'll stay until there's a suitable 'volunteer' in a later group. Sometimes there isn't."

"Alright, you, the first volunteer, it's your moment to shine. Show us your virility!!"

"Fantastic, Sara Jessica!! Very authentic! It's like you're channeling one of the hundreds of thousands of little Incan girls, or the thousands of little tourist girls, who have been on that table before you!"

"Honey? Have we forgotten something?"

"I can't think of anything, dear. And even if we did, the bus won't sit and wait for us to remember it. Let's get back to the hotel. I'm so exhausted I don't even care if we forgot anything."

"Honey, wake up! It's morning. And I know what we forgot. Sara! We left her at the Incan temple, Agaddabiggabona, when we left last night. And the tour bus is leaving in fifteen minutes! We have just enough time to catch it, and it'll bring us back in two weeks, or we can go get Sara and miss the tour bus and ruin the entire trip for all of us. Oh, what should we do!?"

"She'll be fine, dear. What's the worst that could happen? It's a temple, after all. Besides, it'll be educational for her. I'll just leave some money at the hotel's front desk and tell them it's for the temple, for keeping Sara there and exposing her to new experiences and people while we're away. I'm sure she'll have a lot to tell us about life as an Incan girl when we return."