SOPHIA'S GAMBLE (Chapter 75)

"You're on the right track, you know," Mary told Sophia.

"Too bad it doesn't feel that way. Being dismissed out of hand did not strike me as a step in the right direction."

"It was. Because he reacted to you as the embodiment of an emotional attraction, and not as his handmaiden, which is what you've been for three weeks. He's letting you take care of him, because that's easier, but he's not reacting to you as Sophia, his girlfriend. Last night, you forced him to. " She grinned. "No doubt about it; I've seen that exhibition."

Sophia allowed herself a grin back. "Too true. However, reacting to me as his girlfriend in a positive way was more what I was going for. The name of the damn program is 'Kiss Me, Baby.' Warren, this is a fucking hint!" she said, exasperatedly to the air.

Mary laughed. "Uh-huh." Then she got serious. "I have to warn you, Sophia, if you're waiting for the big kiss scene, you might be waiting for a while. Since you are the one trying to yank him back into reality, your relationship might get worse before it gets better."

"Oh, great. Then why am I doing this?"

"Because you love him. Because you know he needs to snap out of this."

Sophia sighed. "You're right. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a stake in this, too. My life is tied to his. And my need for him is almost overpowering at this point. I'd cut off my left arm if he'd just touch me."

"I know."

Sophia laughed. "Now I know what Warren used to talk about. Whenever he'd do something for my benefit, I'd call him Saint Warren. He used to shrug it off, and tell me that I was forgetting about his healthy dose of enlightened self-interest. Now I know what he meant. Yeah, I want him to get better for him, but I must admit that I want him to get better for me, too."

"That's OK, Sophia. It really is. You are correct when you say your lives are bound together. And if calling on that enlightened self-interest helps you to remain strong for his sake, then you just keep doing it."

"It would be easier if there was light at the end of the tunnel."

"There is," Mary insisted. "No doubt about it. All I'm saying is, expect some hefty bumps before you get out of the tunnel."

"Hmmmm."

"And push the issue. You hit a nerve last night. You need to keep hammering it."

"I hope you're right."

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She marched into his room in midafternoon, after they both finished class.

"OK, Snugglebear, up and at 'em."

"Huh?"

"Get up. Get out of bed. Get your skates. We've got ice time."

"I'm not skating."

"Fuck you, you're not skating." She went to his bed and ripped the covers off. "UP!" She went over to his closet, and dug out his skates. "Where are your practice outfits?"

"Dammit, Sophia, I am not ready to go back on the ice!"

"The doctor said you could go back on the ice two weeks ago." He was still lying on the bed. "I thought I told you to get up. Come on, Warren, MOVE IT! Worlds are a month away, for Chrissakes. Time's a-wasting."

"I don't want to go to Worlds anyway."

"Fine. You don't want to go to Worlds. You'd rather sit here and lick your wounds. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! You keep forgetting this is my life, too. My life, my career, and my boyfriend, all being flushed down the drain. WE ARE SKATING. TODAY. The longer you put it off, the harder it's going to be."

"Dammit, Sophia, I can't handle this right now! Have a little sympathy. You have no idea what I'm going through."

This time her anger wasn't forced, it was genuine. "I don't???? YOU HAVE A VERY SHORT FUCKING MEMORY, WARREN!!!!"

"Oh, I know you've been beaten up, but you've never been raped."

"Yes, I have. I skirt around the issue, but I have. One of the guys in between Dirk and Scott. I was definitely unwilling, and he did it anyhow. And you know what the worst part of it was, Warren? After a while, my body started enjoying it. My mind was repulsed, but my body got into it. No, I didn't cum--you know you were the first--but I came awfully close. From a rape. And you have no clue how dirty that made me feel. I have no idea what you're going through, my ass."

"All right. I'm sorry. But I helped you by loving you, not by yelling at you."

"You didn't yell, but you told me a few truths I probably didn't want to hear. And I've tried being the patient, supporting girlfriend. It's not working. Warren, you need a kick in the ass."

"Can't I just heal this in my own way?"

"If there was the slightest indication you were healing, maybe. You're not, Warren, dammit, you're not. You're slipping away from me, bit by bit."

"Well, maybe I need to slip away from you, then."

"FINE!" Sophia blew up. "Slip away from me, slip away from skating, slip away from your friends! Yeah, that will really help! Everything you care about! HOW is this getting better, Warren?"

"Because all this shit just causes me pain! If I weren't a fucking skater, I wouldn't have gotten beat up! Don't you see that?"

"And I'm included in that, right?" Sophia said. "Don't answer, Warren, I can see it in your eyes."

"No, Sophia, it's not that……."

"Sure it is," she said sadly. "You skate with me. Your friends are in skating. If we all go away, you can sweep this whole thing under the rug, right? You don't have to think about it. You don't have to feel it. You don't have to feel anything, anymore. Is that what you want?"

He didn't say anything.

"Fine. You know what, Warren? I can't do this anymore. I can't. So, I'm going to leave. You won't have to be reminded anymore." Her heart was breaking as she said it. She looked at him, and he looked like he was going to start to cry. "But, before I go, let me tell you one thing. You used to love skating. You used to love your skating friends. You used to love life." She looked down, and a little more softly, said, "And you used to love me." She looked back up at him. "You want to throw that away? Fine. I'm not strong enough to stop you, God knows I've tried. But you need to remember one thing--you know what happens if you throw that all away?"

"What?" he whispered.

"They win. The goons that beat you up, that asshole preacher, the people who spread hatred? They win. And love loses, and you lose, and the skating world loses……and I lose more than I can bear." With that, she ran out of the room.

Warren sank down on his bed, in tears. They didn't stop for a long, long time.

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Sophia went up and cried on Elise's shoulder for a while. She called Mary, who gave her encouraging words, but she was still disconsolate.

"I think I went too far," she told Mary.

"You had to. And you know it was an idle threat."

"Maybe. I don't know. I don't know if I can go back there, not with him like he is. Oh, Jesus, I keep trying and failing, don't I?"

"You're doing as much as your able, Sophia. That's all anyone can ask."

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She studied for a while, then prepared to go to bed early. She was exhausted. It was about ten o'clock. She was sitting at her desk, trying to get the energy to change into her nightclothes, when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"It's me," said Warren.

"Hi."

"Can we talk? Please?" he said.

"Sure."

"Can you come down?"

"Be right there." She hung up the phone, looked at Elise and said, "Cross your fingers," and ran to the elevator.

She entered his room to find him sitting at his desk.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi."

"I do love you, you know," he said with a slight smile.

"I know. I love you, too."

Warren took a deep breath. "Sophia, I need help. Please."

"I know, Warren, but you need professional help."

"I need you."

She laughed. She sat on the bed. "Well, that's nice to hear, anyway, but you need more than me. Please, Warren. I've done all I can." She smiled at him. "I think we both know I've never been the pillar of strength in this relationship."

He moved to sit next to her on the bed. "You've done fine," Warren smiled at her. "You took a hell of a chance the past couple of days."

"Mary's advice."

"Yeah, but you did it. It could have backfired."

"Until you called me, I thought it did."

"Well, I cried after you left. I hadn't cried you know, after…….well, I hadn't. And then I got mad. I was sitting at the desk because I had to put it back together, because I threw everything that was on it all over the room. First I was mad at you. Then, I realized you weren't the one I should be mad at."

"I know. It's all right. Warren, please talk to Mary. You like her. You know she helped me."

He took a deep breath. "OK. It certainly can't hurt."

"Thanks."

"I still don't know how I feel about skating."

"That's understandable. But you'll always have something missing if you don't."

"Yeah." He looked at her. "Would you stay here tonight with me?"

"Sure. I've still got some bedclothes around here." She found a flannel nightie and changed. She started to climb into Tim's bed.

"Sophia?" he called to her. She picked up on his meaning, and walked from Tim's bed to Warren's. She climbed in next to him. He kissed her, long and deep, on the lips.

"Oh, that's so much better," Sophia smiled. They cuddled into one another and fell asleep.