This was a surreal experience and very hard to explain. I was far more passive than I would have ever expected to be though, really, I was never much of a go-getter.
So it was strange to sit in this HR person's over-neat office in the interviewee chair; I was confused because I didn't, at the moment, recall applying for whatever job this was about.
Catching sight of my interviewer as he put a rather thick folder of papers down on his desk I was startled for a moment as I realized he was one of my clones that I'd often tripped over in various workplaces. He put on a friendly smile, obviously intended to get me to relax.
It was difficult to relax, of course; I didn't know why I was here, after all. I just sat there passively, waiting to hear questions.
He cleared his throat and told me "I see from your resume that you're married, two children, one still under age, two step-children. It's interesting how little you have listed here," and he waved a folder, "so I had to get your full CV from the archives. You have not been very busy, have you?"
I was purely reactive to his question. "Not busy? I don't understand?"
He gestured at the thick file of papers. "Given your age and opportunities, this file should be at least three times thicker. I also have the list of goals you were expected to achieve by this point in your life, too."
Shaking my head in a vain attempt to clear the "fog", I was in a "WTF" state, so I asked "I'm not sure I understand?"
He sighed. It was a tired sigh, as if he'd heard the same remark over and over again. "Looking at this paperwork, you started out Catholic, spent time as an agnostic... which is not so bad, dipped your toes in the Southern Baptist church before getting turned off by hypocrisy from the core teachings of the faith. That's when you stepped back and referred to yourself as 'generic' since your aversion to rituals kicked in again."
I nodded, stunned that anyone really paid attention to these details.
"I eventually had to ask for some research regarding your nom de plume."
Don't ask me why I stiffened up, a feel of goose-bumps running up and down my back. Scared, I nodded.
"Well, someone is digging up your alias' CV. Hopefully it will be an improvement over this mish-mash. I'm not pleased with how little you did in your life. It's not often we get someone who is incapable of loving more than one person in their lives. It gets disappointing."
I nodded, confused but trying to be polite. This made about as much sense as a fair amount of British comedies.
A courier knocked on the door and walked in with two more folders and some envelopes. "Here's his alter ego and his lover's CVs, OK?"
My interviewer looked up. "Only one?"
The courier shrugged. "The blue envelope has the details of his various crushes but he didn't follow through on any of them."
"All right, thank you" he said and the courier left the office again. Looking at the two folders, each of which was more than twice as thick as the one apparently detailing my so-called "real" life, he started paging through one, going through the pages.
During his perusal of the files I sat still and felt myself sweating from sheer anxiety. This was the weirdest interview I've ever been in.
He nodded in some spots and seemed to check my "real" CV and occasionally looked up at me, shaking his head. He closed the first file which, at that moment, I spied a photo in the jacket of my wife.
He looked up at me, catching my eyes. "Well, I can now see why your life has nothing to commend itself, you were busy trying to fulfill a role that, to be brutally honest, you weren't ready for. You weren't even well suited to it! It seems that each time you had an opportunity to grow... you blew it." He sighed. "Your wife is more ready for us than you are."
Feeling a sensation of shock run through the cloud of utter confusion didn't help matters at all. I've interviewed for quite a few jobs and this was the weirdest one of all.
My interviewer opened the other folder which contained the details of my imaginary life. The front side of the folder seemed to have a bunch of letters which he was going through carefully. Each letter had a picture of a person in the heading and I could see they varied in race and gender.
The good news was that my interviewer was nodding as he worked through the letters. He then closed the folder and smiled at me. "That's pretty good, you've actually helped others learn about life. Now, lets take a look at your infatuations."
Out of the big blue envelope came five sheets of paper.
He looked up at me. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
I was confused. "What do you mean wrong?"
He shook his head, almost disgustedly. "Only five? Five? Couldn't you have have gotten interested in more? This is an unnaturally small number of people, here, I don't think I have ever seen so few. So, what the fuck is so wrong with you that you didn't desire females? Or males? No one is this asexual by choice!"
I shrugged. "It hurt me to see what I wasn't good enough to deserve."
With this my inquisitor laughed, leaning back in his chair. It didn't feel good because I felt I was being laughed at.
When he finally quieted down, "All right, I'm signing off on your case and throwing you back. I'm putting a requirement in your file that you not be eligible for re-evaluation until you've felt real lust for at least fifty women and loved at least ten of them. And, in case you're not paying attention," he brandished one of the blue letters that had a picture of a co-worker I'd been drooling over for 6 years, "you should start with her." He put down Johanna's photo and then pointed at my two files. "I expect some of the love and affection I see over here in your virtual life to be carried into your real life."
I stared at him. "Fifty? Lust after fifty women? And then love at least ten? Love and leave them? Isn't that really disrespectful?"
More laughter. "No, it's not, you and they will probably find that while loving, the long-term 'fit', for want of a better term, may not be there. Hey, you shouldn't have been so out of circulation just by getting married! You'll also find that women want to be seen as sexually desirable just as much as you do. Your first assigned extra-curricular lover will be easy: she has needs that you can fill."
I stared at him. "You're kidding. She's way out of my league."
He chuckled. "She's in her forties and is hurting. You can give her what she needs. She grows, you grow. It might take a couple of years, but, hey, you have the time. On top of that, you need to learn that you are not the loser you've been told you are."
Just thinking about this was frightening. "I take my vows seriously."
He nodded and waved at my wife's CV "One of the reasons you are here, talking to me, is that she's already dead. She had a fatal heart attack two minutes ago. So your effort to escape her wasn't needed any more."
This news upset me. "What?"
"You won't remember details until it's safe for you to know, so don't worry about your vows."
I sat there, stunned.
He looked at me again. "You can go. I don't expect you'll be back for a couple of hundred years."
I felt pretty shaky, as if I'd been in a trance, as I dropped a bottle of sleeping pills. I looked around, I had a memory of having a gun in my mouth, but then I looked down.
These weren't even my hands! Hell, there were a lot of other differences, like having breasts and being a woman.
Looking around, I didn't recognize where I was-- but I was able to recognize, generally, what was what.
The mirror on the wall to my left showed me a woman's face that I'd never seen before. Whoever she was...
It was as I looked into the eyes of my new reflection that "her" life memories poured into me, allowing me to step into the role of "being" Danielle, having replaced her soul in this body.
I smiled. I'd had some suspicions that Johanna might have been lesbian, so maybe this was an eaiser way to get close to her. A corner of my mind wondered what the rules were...
In any case, this was going to be weird.
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Author: Jack C Lipton Title: Sentence Of Love Part: Universe: Shadows Summary: You ain't gettin' out of it *that* easy! Keywords: Revision: $Revision: 1.5 $ Archive: http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/CupaSoup/www/ Mailing List: FAQ: RCS: $Id: sentenceOfLove.x,v 1.5 2006/06/06 16:46:23 jcl Exp $