|
This requires some reference to the
Girl Scout Nookies
universe, especially the stories by Russ Hoisington
and Ball Four, to make
any
sense at all.
And, if any of the aforementioned material, or the story this prefaces, makes any sense to you, you may want to "get professional help" which may require psychoactive medication. |
Just like Russ, I was worried about the Four Girl Scouts of the Apocalypse.
You say it is supposed to be Four Horsemen? No, I'm not talking about the end of the world, heralded by four of the Central Florida professional sports teams all getting respect, no, I'm now talking about the Four Girl Scouts forcing a phase change on what passes for Western Civilization!
Oh, sure, it all started with "Got Beer?" but then it kinda snowballed into something that shook the very foundations of civilization.
No, no, having the Tampa Bay Buccaneers win enough games to get into the play-offs may seem bad, especially with the backwash of Hell freezing over making Floridians shiver.
No, having the Stanley Cup won by a team where ice time is measured in seconds seems like a threat, and, yes, it is, but, no, these girl scouts were scaring everybody.
All right, I'm a Floridian... now. I wasn't always one, to my ever-lasting reassurance, but I am one now, and I know that the idea of the two teams named above getting respect across the nation is scary... but not as scary as having the Devil Rays or Orlando Majics start to win games. When that happens we will know that the end of the world has come.
So civilization... or what passes for "civilization" is under threat.
Mistress Sherry, or, as she is otherwise know, "Officer Sherry", has gotten into politics, using the name "Hillary Clinton". The original Hillary is now her stand-in... and has blown enough lines to have worried Sherry. Once Sherry gets her stunt double behaving again, she is likely to win the 2008 election... without any tampering of machines.
I'm sure she'll win it the old fashioned way: fear. Fear of having Girl Scouts on your door step, tempting you and yours with their insidiously addictive "treats".
With Sherry comes, of course, the Fearsome Foursome. These four girls will be able to dominate American Politics for at least four years, placing the House of Representatives, and, likely, even the Senate, into their thrall, all by getting them addicted, first, to Girl Scout Cookies... and then, I suspect, filmed capering in Girl Scout Nookies.
Some of them may end up sleeping with Girl Scout Brookies, too.
But... it's scary, you know? Because it is Christmas time.
And, for political purposes, she has her girls out a-caroling.
So, there I was, my door-bell bonged, I went running for the door... and cautiously opened it.
One nice thing about Florida is that the temperatures never dips quite so far as to require carolers to hide all exposed skin, and, this Christmas, the temperatures here near Tampa Bay hadn't dipped below 75.
It was the words, though, that had my hair stand on end.
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Russ' nuts roasting on an open fire, Denny editing his words, Kenny's themes sung by girls who do blow, and Alexis' ex strung up by his toes. Everybody knows a turkey who cannot spell, waste versus waist still such a blight, Wizard's trailer park is known so well yet Night Hawk is retired on this night. ... |
I think you get the picture, don't you? The second song almost put me into catatonia, just with the first line. Instead of "Deck the halls" I heard:
|
Deck the Jack with our brassy knuckles... |
I think you can imagine my reaction. I fainted.
In hindsight I am certain I did some computations in my head that concluded that being painlessly non-present for a beating was a winning strategy.
Those four, I am told, called the EMTs to revive me, all claiming that they had no idea why I had fainted or how my body had accumulated so many bruises. I could hear, as they strapped me to the stretcher, one speculating that I likely fell down a flight of stairs, which seemed odd. I live in a one-story villa and have no stairs.
During my painful awakening I recalled a fearsome dream. I dreamt that I was Osama bin Laden and had heard a knocking at my cave entrance, and, when I went to see who was there, holding my trusty AK-47 at the ready, I was beaten senseless by four American Girl Scouts who, using boxes of cookies, Samoa-whipped me into unconsciousness. As my dream self blacked out, I knew that even holding up a thesaurus would not have saved me.
When the EMTs closed the doors to the ambulance I sighed in relief, safely escaping from the Fearsome Foursome. That relief was to be short-lived, however, when I discovered that their mentor was driving.
I was told, later, that my screams of fear were heard by all of my neighbors, who, I found out, all shrugged and returned to their homes, none the wiser for the threat that had come to their community.
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Author: Jack C Lipton Title: The Fearsome Foursome Part: Universe: GSN Summary: The Four Girl Scouts of the Apocalypse come a-caroling. Be afraid. be very afraid. Keywords: Revision: $Revision: 1.3 $ Archive: http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/CupaSoup/www/ Mailing List: FAQ: RCS: $Id: fearsomeFoursome.x,v 1.3 2007/12/22 05:08:52 jcl Exp $