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Crimson Review #012
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+----------------------------------------------------------------------- The missives below are merely opinions, publicly stated, but only opinions. Dragons may be immortal, but they are not infallible. Read the stories for yourself, and form your own opinions. Then, let the author know what you thought. Celeste's blowjob principle isn't smoke in the wind. - Crimson Dragon (dcrimson@yahoo.com) http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Crimson_Dragon/www http://members.tripod.com/files/Authors/Dr/wwwagon_Of_Crimson Review Archives: http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Crimson_Reviews/www Thanks to Denny for checking over the reviews for obvious bungles, though ultimately any errors herein are mine and mine alone. +----------------------------------------------------------------------- Story Summary: ------------------------------------------------------------------------ My First Threesome -- HaRkOnIn (MFF) [5,5,5,5] Jacob Wrestled an Angel -- Simon (MF, reluc [male], viol, magic, bibl) [10,9,10,10] Tag -- Shon Richards (M/F, Rules) [10,10,10,10] Lonely As A Cloud -- Bradley Stoke (MF) [10,10,10,10] Reviews: ------------------------------------------------------------------------ My First Threesome -- HaRkOnIn (MFF) http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/38827 Adam heads out to the local Safeway, and returns to find Mandy, his fiancee, and his forty-seven year old roommate in bed together. As he bursts in on them, Mandy invites him to join, and like any red blooded male, he does. This is a somewhat typical fantasy of a threesome surprise, and not much more. It's written in a folksy, slangy style that actually does provide some realism to the scenes, almost as if it were written straight out of the author's stream of consciousness, vernacular and all. Personally, I found it a little distracting, but it was a unique method of presentation. Unfortunately, the fantasy suffers various language problems beyond the intentional slang: [ But when I realized what bedroom the sounds were coming from {(My bedroom)} I was pissed. I thought to myself, "That {discusting} bitch is playing with herself on MY bed!" ] Mostly typos -- "disgusting" would be a better way to spell it. I'm not sure why the parentheses were necessary. Perhaps a re-write of the sentence? When I realised that the sounds were issuing forth from *my* bedroom, I was pissed. [ ... was wearing her baithing suit. ] Um, there is only one 'i' in 'bathing'. If this was a simple typo, I could probably ignore it, but it wasn't the only time it was misspelled. [ ... But actually, seeing my {fiance} naked on top of my roommate ... ] Ignoring accents that don't show up particularly well in straight ASCII text, the term for a female person engaged to be married is: fiancee. Ask any French-speaking person. [ Mandy: Take off your clothes{,} baby. Without hesitation, I did exactly what she said. And I stepped closer to her once all my clothes were off of me. ] First, I'm not sure why HaRkOnIn wandering into the script form for dialogue. HaRkOnIn mixes dialogue forms, and it only serves to distract. Why not simply use standard quotes? This isn't a script, is it? Second, after a great deal of build-up explaining that he was disgusted by the roommate's hygiene, and didn't actually want to see his fiancee with another woman, and that he was shocked, pissed, and angry at the situation, he takes off his clothes without hesitation when Mandy merely asks? I know he's male, but this stretches the limits of my belief without further explanation. [ ... ofcourse. I wasn't like that. I'm a {1} woman man. ] 'ofcourse' is two distinct words. Of course. So is 'incase'. In case you were wondering. Also, it's usually better to spell simple numerals. In this case, I'd probably go with: I'm a one-woman man. The subject of the sentence as it stands is unclear. Is the narrator male or female? This works as a fantasy exposition, and that's all HaRkOnIn was trying for. He even warned me at the beginning. If you are into this kind of thing, you'll like it, I think. For me, I'd need some text clean up, and some consistency in the characters, perhaps a little more focus. But that's probably just my Dragon nature. Technical : 5 Eros : 5 Character/Plot : 5 Crimson : 5 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Jacob Wrestled an Angel -- Simon (MF, reluc [male], viol, magic, bibl) |
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