Dancing With Tears In My Eyes

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                Dancing With Tears In My Eyes
                           (ff?)
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                 (c) Copyright January 1998
              Crimson Dragon (dcrimson@yahoo.com)
                     All Rights Reserved
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She sat alone in her dorm room. She'd turned off all the lights, the
darkness mirroring her heart. Her tiny room had just seemed so
small. So claustrophobic. The darkness helped. Her mind allowing
the illusion of a ballroom in the absence of light. Some sort of
limitless expanse in which to lose herself. The small room had
never bothered her before. Just tonight.
She stretched herself out. Lying down on the single bed. Burying her
head in her soft pillow, one leg bent at the knee. Her bare foot
pointing to the low ceiling. She let her feelings wash over her.
Jason. Jason had just left. They had sat together. Right here. On
this bed. Her softly crying. Him. Speaking in hushed caring tones.
Right here. After they'd made gentle love. She still hadn't
bothered to get dressed, feeling the covers beneath her body. She
could still sense his presence. His scent washing over her. He'd
dressed and let himself out and she'd just roused herself enough to
switch off the lights.
He was sorry. She knew that he was. He'd found someone else. Someone
more compatible. Someone that he thought that he loved. She felt the
tears well up in her eyes again. He had never meant to hurt her. She
believed that. In her heart. She struggled to control herself. Not
wanting to cry again.
She understood. They had never really committed to each other. Then
why the hell did her heart ache so very much? Why did she suddenly
feel so bereft? So lonely? She had known in her heart that this day
was going to happen. She could sense it. That her feelings were so
much stronger than his. But, as usual, she had ignored it. Letting
herself get swept along. Letting her heart get torn in two again.
She fought the tears again and won. She actually felt herself smile
a bit at the small victory.
She swallowed and turned over onto her back. Letting her arms fall
out to the side, over the sides of the small bed. She discovered
that it didn't matter if she closed her eyes or not. Crazy thoughts
running through her head. Could I sleep with my eyes open if it was
this dark? That was a Jason-type thought. She could almost feel his
body moving with her. Knowing that she'd never feel it ever again.
She savoured the memory. Still fighting back the tears. She reminded
herself that she'd still see him. In calculus. She knew in her heart
that she was just making it harder on herself. That she should try
to let him go. Forget about him. Go on with her life. But she'd
always had trouble letting go. Eventually, this pain would fade. She
knew that. It always did. Time heals all wounds. Right?
She drew her knees up. How long had he been gone? How long had she
been lying here? She really didn't know.
She almost didn't answer the phone when it rang. Not feeling like
talking to anyone. Her mind played tricks on her. She was suddenly
convinced that it was Jason. She fought the urge to pick it up. Talk
to him. Convince him somehow that she still loved him. But it was
over. Irrevocably. She knew that she couldn't do it. No matter how
much her heart wanted her to. The phone rang insistently. She rolled
over and put her small hand on the receiver. She took a deep breath.
Ready to pick it up. She had no idea what to say to Jason. The phone
fell silent.
She sighed and rolled back over to her back. Resuming her former
position. Her knees drawn up. Her arms just lying outstretched. She
tried to think of something else. Something that didn't involve
Jason. Wind. Simple wind. Wind that lifted the kites that Jason and
her had flown on one of their first dates. They hadn't had much
money, but they bought the cheap kites at a hardware store. Like for
a dollar each or something. They had chased each other to the park
and laid side by side in the grass, laughing as the kites soared
into the clear blue sky. God, she had loved him, even then. She
shook her head. Tears falling uninvited again.
She slowly sat up as she heard a soft knock at her door. Hugging her
bare knees. Had to be Jason. She couldn't face him. Impossible. She
curled herself up into a ball and was silent. The lights were off.
He'd go away.
"Karen?" It wasn't Jason's voice. For a second, her mind couldn't
place the feminine tones. Not even realizing the voice was female at
first, so convinced was she that it was going to be Jason. Then even
muffled through the door, she recognized it. Kimberly. Her best
friend. They'd roomed together in first year. She was really out of
it. She didn't feel like seeing anyone right now. Even Kimberly. She
just wanted to be left alone. But she knew she should at least
answer the door.
Another hesitant knock. She heard Kimberly call her name softly
again and then give up. Her quiet footsteps beginning to move away
from the door. Assuming that Karen wasn't in her room or perhaps was
asleep.
She suddenly felt the need for human contact. Understanding perhaps.
Maybe just someone to cry on. She felt it deep in her breast. Lying
here by herself in the dark, with her memories, just didn't seem
right anymore.
She swung her bare legs off the bed and fumbled for her bathrobe in
the pitch darkness. The robe that she knew was carelessly draped
across the back of her desk chair. She wrapped the huge terrycloth
around herself, clinched the belt, and moved to the steel door. She
opened it, poking her head out into the light. Blinking furiously.
"Kim?" she softly called down the hall. Kimberly wasn't in view.
Karen closed her eyes. She'd lost Kimberly as well. Seemed to be her
night for losing people. Her head lowered in defeat. She should have
answered when Kimberly was knocking. Her own stupid fault.
She opened her eyes. Ready to return to her moping. She glanced up
the hallway as she was closing the door. Kimberly was striding up
the hall carrying a thick textbook under her arm. Her eyes on the
floor. Intent on thoughts of her own.
"Kim!" the girl exclaimed. Her heart lifted just a touch.
"Karen? I thought you weren't there. I was just heading over to the
study lounge. Want to go? Were you asleep or something? I knocked.
What's the matter?" Kimberly was speaking as she approached. Concern
flashing across her features as she took in Karen's tear streaked
cheeks and puffy eyes.
Karen swung the heavy door open, wordlessly inviting her friend in
and waiting for Kimberly to enter.
"You were in the dark? Crying? Sweety. What's the matter?"
Kimberly walked in and didn't turn on the light. She dropped her
textbook on Karen's cluttered desk. Karen let the door shut quietly,
plunging them into darkness. Kimberly didn't seem to mind. Sensing
that Karen just wanted to be in the dark. Karen heard the bed squeak
as Kimberly sat down, settling back against the headboard.
A disembodied voice floated out from the vicinity of the bed. "It's
Jason. Isn't it? You broke up with him."
"Yes," Karen choked on the word. Not quite believing it herself.
"I'm sorry. He. Was something special to you. Wasn't he?"
Tears were running down Karen's face, uncontrollably. She couldn't
even speak the words she felt. She sank to her knees. Finally
letting it out. She lowered her forehead to the cold floor and just
sobbed. Her whole body shaking. She cried, letting Kimberly hear
her sobs where she couldn't even cry like this alone. Finally, it
passed. She managed to rise to her knees. Her body still hitching
with her feelings.
She felt Kimberly's arms wind around her. She hadn't even realized
that she had moved off the bed. She gratefully just melted into the
embrace. Taking some comfort from the sympathy and closeness of a
friend. Kimberly just rocked her for what seemed like an eternity.
Patiently. Knowing what Karen was going through. What every girl
goes through. The girl in her arms fighting thoughts of Jason. The
thoughts making her cry quietly once in a while.
Finally, the thoughts, whatever they were, weren't capable of
causing any more tears. She just smiled weakly in the dark. Cried
herself out. For now.
With a final sniffle, she squirmed out of Kimberly's arms. Kimberly
released her friend and waited for her to speak.
"I'm sorry," Karen apologized. "I was determined not to do that. You
were going to study hall."
"It's alright. Some things are more important than history. Trust
me. You alright?"
Karen nodded. And realized that Kimberly couldn't see her in the
dark. "Yes. I guess," she answered verbally.
"You know what you need?"
"I need to have a hot bath and sleep. Like forever. Or until I stop
hurting."
"Well, you probably do, but you need to get out. You've had your
cry. You should get out. Don't be alone. Not tonight. Don't mope
around. Come to the BombShelter." The BombShelter was the campus
pub. "Listen to some music. See people. I'll go with you. We can get
a group together if you want."
"I. I don't think I'm up to being with a group. Just you and me? I
don't have to do anything? I can just sit there? No guys?"
"Nothing you don't want to do. And I promise I won't let you go home
with any guys. *That* definitely wouldn't be good for you." Karen
could almost see her friend smiling in the dark.
She heard Kimberly rise off her knees. "Come on. Get dressed."
The desk light suddenly came on, blinding Karen. The girl threw her
arm across her eyes. Softly grumbling about inconsiderate friends
and lack of warnings. She slowly got to her bare feet. When her
eyes had adjusted to the diffused light she glanced at Kimberly. She
was standing by the door, leaning back on it, just watching Karen,
arms crossed just under her breasts. Not surprised by the disheveled
bathrobe Karen had thrown on.
She made to leave, her hand on the doorknob.
Karen spoke. "You going to go like that?"
Kimberly shrugged. She was wearing faded jeans and a University of
Waterloo sweatshirt. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail. And she
was wearing light makeup. "It's not like I'm going to pick up guys,"
she remarked. "No guys. Remember? That goes for me too."
Her hand twisted the doorknob. "I'll wait for you out in the hall.
Try not to take all night getting ready. 'kay?"
"You don't have to leave."
"I'm not leaving. Just giving you some privacy."
"We slept in the same room for a full year. Don't worry about it."
Karen dropped the bathrobe. She wasn't shy of her body. She'd even
have opened the door nude if she hadn't thought that Jason might be
around. It would have been easier than putting on the bathrobe in
the dark. She hurriedly picked up her underwear from the floor and
slipped it on. She'd worn some more risque lingerie tonight because
of Jason. But she couldn't be bothered hunting around for fresh
conventional stuff. The lacy bra and panties hadn't been worn all
that long anyway. Kimberly raised her eyebrows. She had leaned back
against the closed door again. A little uncomfortable at being in
the small room while Karen changed. When they'd shared the room in
first year, they had sort of turned their backs, given each other as
much privacy as they could. Kimberly had appreciated it at the
time.
"No guys. I'm serious." Kimberly was taking note of the lingerie.
"I know. I know. They were just what was handy. You said you wanted
me to hurry. I don't even know if I have anything else clean."
Karen pulled on a pair of wrinkled blue jeans. Pulling them up over
her hips. She slipped a silk blouse off the chair, and buttoned it
quickly over her bra. Tucking it into her jeans. She hunted around
and found a pair of clean white ankle socks. She sat down on the bed
and pulled them over her toes. Kimberly just watched quietly as
Karen dressed. Karen slipped her feet into her running shoes and
glanced at herself in the mirror. She squawked. "Oh my God. Look at
me."
"You're fine."
"You were going to let me go to the bar like this?"
"You wouldn't have had any trouble with guys." Kimberly couldn't
contain a grin.
"Shit." Karen hurriedly brushed out her brunette hair, letting it
just fall loose around her shoulders. "I'll forgo the make up. But I
have to at least wash my face." Tear streaks were still evident down
her cheeks and her eyes were a little red and puffy.
She picked up her keys and purse and the two women stepped out into
the hall. Karen pulled her door shut behind her and carefully
locked it. As they passed the washroom at the end of the hall, she
ducked in and scrubbed her face. Looking at herself in the mirror,
she was satisfied. Not bad. All things considered.
Her thoughts flitted to Jason. She felt the tears brimming again.
But she willed them back. She leaned on the sink and took some deep
breaths. Kimberly was right. This would be good for her. Listening
to some loud music. Drinking a beer or two. Seeing people. Better
than lounging around in her dark room, not even bothering to dress
and thinking of him. Distraction. That's what she needed.
She pushed herself away and rejoined Kimberly in the hall. They
linked arms and walked out into the warm spring night. They got a
few odd looks as they walked across campus, their feet ringing on
the bridge across the stream by the medical center. Karen found
herself laughing at the absurdity of them walking arm in arm to the
bar. Despite herself, she was having fun. Probably needing it.
They turned into the Campus Center, releasing their arms as they
approached the Bomber. They entered the noisy bar, showing their
student cards as ID. Kimberly pointed out a table at the back and
they moved towards it. They sat down on the uncomfortable chairs.
The music was loud. Tunes from the early eighties. Frankie Goes to
Hollywood. There was a ton of freshmen on the dance floor gyrating
under the lights. A million voices raised, some drunkenly, shouting
"Relax. Don't do it. When you want to COME!" over the speakers.
Karen thought she recognized the tune. Kimberly leaned across the
table. Shouting over the music. "What do you want to drink?"
"Rickard's."
Kimberly nodded and got up. She made her way slowly towards the bar.
Talking briefly to people that she recognized.
Karen turned her attention back towards the dance floor. Watching
the throng. She was surprised when someone touched her shoulder. Too
soon for Kimberly to get back.
She looked up. A young guy in a black leather engineering jacket.
Class of '98. He almost seemed nervous.
She smiled up at him. "Hello?"
"Hi, I'm Thomas. Uh. This really isn't a pick up line. Honest. But
you sorta looked lonely. I. I was wondering if you'd care to dance?"
Whether it was a pick up line or not, she knew that she looked
lonely. She felt lonely. She honestly had hoped that it wasn't
showing. And she was surprised that this guy had been brave enough
to ask her. She knew she was hardly looking her best. Perhaps he was
just being nice.
Her mind flashed back. This was how she'd met Jason. He'd asked her
to dance. Only it was at Fed Hall. Not here. No preamble. No
conversation. Just dancing. The music had dropped to a slower beat
almost as soon as they'd gotten to the dance floor. They had just
moved together. They had fit. They had talked later. For the whole
night. Under the stars. Out by Village Two.
She shook her head. Trying to clear it. Forget Jason. She knew that
she wasn't going to succeed. No matter what. How was she ever going
to forget him? He'd almost certainly forgotten her by now. She was
tempted to get up. She wanted to dance. Kimberly would absolutely
kill her. Murder her on the spot.
She swallowed heavily. She motioned Thomas down, so she wouldn't
have to shout over the music.
"Thomas. You are really sweet. And I'd love to dance. Really. But, I
just broke up with my boyfriend tonight. I'm sorry."
Thomas nodded. Understanding in his eyes. "Maybe next time. Thanks
anyway." He disappeared back into the crowd, seemingly not bothered
by the rejection in the slightest.
Kimberly slid into her seat, setting a pint of Rickard's Red in
front of Karen. Kimberly dropped her own onto a napkin in front of
her. "Who was that? He was cute."
"His name was Thomas. An engineer. Strike one."
Kimberly smiled. "They aren't all bad, you know. But I'm glad you
got rid of him." She raised her glass. "Just the girls."
"Just the girls." Karen clicked her glass against Kimberly's. Karen
downed half of hers. Kimberly was a little more restrained.
"Hey. Whoa. I don't want to carry you home," Kimberly remarked over
the music.
"Don't worry. I only want the one."
Kimberly nodded. Satisfied.
Something by REM started up. What's the Frequency, Kenneth. Karen
found her body unconsciously moving to the beat. She took another
sip of the beer. Savouring the taste. It was something that Jason
had taught her. Occasionally, try to taste things like you've never
tasted them before. She was surprised at how she'd always taken the
taste of some foods for granted. It was so much easier to simply
gobble your food. There actually was an experience there, if you
slowed down and really tasted the food. She had never really
savoured something before. Something simple. Like a salad or French
fries. She shook her head. Trying to forget. She took another big
swallow of beer. Refusing to savour it. Another small victory.
Kimberly was looking at her. Karen raised her eyebrows, knowing that
Kimberly had caught her vacant faraway look.
"Jason?"
"Yeah."
"Try to enjoy yourself. Forget about him." She knew full well that
forgetting sometimes wasn't that simple.
The music changed again. New Order. Bizarre Love Triangle. They
really were on an eighties kick tonight. Karen listened to the
music. Closing her eyes. Realizing the irony of the song title, but
trying to ignore it. Losing herself in the driving beat.
She felt a touch on her shoulder. She turned and opened her eyes.
Kimberly was shouting over the music.
"You want to dance. Don't you? Might be good for you."
Kimberly rose to her feet. Karen just nodded and followed. She took
another swallow of her beer, nearly finishing it, and then let
Kimberly lead her to the dance floor. Together they pushed their way
into the middle of the undulating crowd. She hadn't eaten anything
tonight. She barely remembered if she had even been hungry. Her
stomach was still in knots. And the beer was touching her senses.
She felt a little lightheaded.
The flashing lights made Karen a little dizzy. The bass beat driving
into her lungs. New Order took control of her body. She closed her
eyes and let the music move her. Her body swinging to the music. Her
feet lightly moving across the floor. Her arms swinging. Her hips
circling. She felt almost out of control. She opened her eyes,
seeing Kimberly gyrating, like her, to the music. In slow motion.
Her pony tail tossing about the back of her neck. The strobe
accentuating the effect. Karen's mind cleared. Thoughts of Jason
fading as her breathing sped up and her body moved to the beat. She
could feel her chest tightening. She felt like she was going to cry
again.
She felt her body stop moving as though she was outside of it,
simply an observer. She stood still in the middle of the crowd of
freshmen and seniors, as they moved around her. The strobe making
the scene unreal. She shook her head. Kimberly was only a few steps
away. Still moving to the last few bars of Bizarre Love Triangle. It
was as though she'd lost her hearing. Time had slowed to a crawl.
She'd somehow tuned out the blaring music. Kimberly danced around
her to a beat that she simply could no longer hear. It all seemed so
surreal. She didn't quite feel in control of herself. Her emotions.
Her own body. Tears began to fall again. She couldn't recall ever
having felt quite like this. Not drunk. Just. Melancholy. Empty
somehow.
She watched as the song ended. Still aware of the bass vibrations on
her body, but deaf to the actual notes. The music merged into
another song. She watched, detached as Kimberly moved towards her.
The music suddenly crashed back into her senses with the change of
song. She reached into her memory. High school dances. She was
hearing the music. Odd notes. Vaguely familiar. Not as driving as
New Order. She struggled with herself. Finally, she pulled it out of
the vault. She probably only had heard it, like once, during the
eighties. She could still feel the tears traveling down her face.
Unable to stop them. A band called Ultravox. Or something like that.
She stood immobile as Kimberly moved the few steps separating them
still in slow motion.
She shouted over the music. "Karen? Honey? You alright?" Seeing the
tears.
Karen didn't even answer. She simply placed her arms around
Kimberly's neck and absorbed the music. Kimberly hesitantly circled
her arms around Karen. Linking her fingers loosely behind her
friend's waist. Letting her cry again on her shoulder. She was very
aware that they were the only girls dancing together on the dance
floor, but she simply didn't care.
Dancing. With tears in my eyes.
They slowly rocked each other surrounded by a wall of slowly
gyrating students. Some drunk. Some happy. Some sad. Some in love.
Others not feeling anything. None of them paying the slightest
attention to the two dancing women.
Dancing. With tears in my eyes. Weeping for the memory of a life
gone by.
Kimberly hugged Karen close. Feeling her body shaking with her sobs.
She had never slow danced with a woman before. Not this close. She
could feel Karen's body heat through the sweatshirt. Felt the gentle
rise of her breasts pressing lightly against her own. Feeling the
girl's grief. Karen's tears dampening the shoulder of her
sweatshirt. She felt tears brimming in her own eyes. Fought them
off. Just sympathy tears.
Dancing. With tears in my eyes.
As the slow song ended, Karen pulled back gently, her arms still
loosely encircling Kimberly's neck. Her fingers linked underneath
her ponytail. Tears still streaming down her face. She sniffled and
tilted her head. She slowly moved her face towards Kimberly. And
Kimberly found herself slowly moving her face towards Karen. They
both had tears in their eyes as their lips met for the first time.
Dancing. With tears in my eyes. Living out the memory of a love that
died.